Black Trashcan Nazi Swastika

The Nazi statues of Eastern Ukraine

So I’m on vacation in my home city of Kharkov, Eastern Ukraine.

I know, I know. You’re all like, “Eastern Ukraine? Isn’t that where all the Nazi Bandera fascists are brutally murdering Russian speakers, just for fun?”

What can I say? I’m an extremely brave Russian-speaking Ukrainian. I have flown right into the center of the unstoppable Nazi rampage. Not only that, I brought my wife with me. For moral support. Plus she makes for a pretty effective human shield, should that ever become necessary.

I must admit, though—the Nazis have clearly learned how to disguise themselves. I have spent the first couple of days desperately trying to find a single Nazi. No such luck. Sneaky bastards.

On the third day, however, I went to Gorky Park with my wife and my niece, Leah…that’s where the cruel reality of the new Nazi Ukraine finally made itself known.

It all started peacefully enough. We were walking around the park, posing with the seemingly neutral statues:

Leah Statue Smile

When, suddenly, one of them started openly harassing my wife:

Skirt Grab

Clearly, I couldn’t let such an audacious act of violence go unpunished. I ran forward to rescue my wife, which is when we realized that we were actually dealing with sadistic Nazi monsters. One of them immediately shattered my face with a tennis racket—the weapon of choice for Nazi militia:

Tennis Slam

While I was busy getting my face smacked, my poor innocent niece fell under the Nazi spell and was hypnotized by their relentless propaganda into becoming one of them:

Zombie Statue

“Leah! Noooooooo!” I screamed, trying to modulate my voice so as to prevent my now-shattered teeth from falling out of my mouth. I jumped forward to push Leah out of harm’s way. It worked. Leah was free. Me? Not so much. One especially heartless Nazi bastard caught me and went straight for my eye:

Eye Poke

Half-blind, I stumbled in the general direction of Katka and Leah. That’s when I witnessed the most horrific sight of my entire life: The psychotic Nazis were making my family skip rope for their own amusement:

Rope Jump Katka

“You sick, sick bastards,” I screamed, “How dare you make my family jump to the sound of German polka?! This is the worst music one can possibly imagine!”

I was wrong about that last part. The German polka stopped, but something far, far worse took its place: Justin Bieber. God, they made me jump up and down to Justin Bieber:

Rope Jump Daniel

My energy sapped, my will to live fading, I begged for their mercy. “Baby, baby, baby, ooooooooooooh,” I repeated, over and over again. My niece’s unprecedented act of bravery was the only thing that helped us escape alive. With an ear-shattering scream of “I haaaaaaaaaaate Biebeeeeeeeeeeeer,” my niece lunged forward and stabbed the main Nazi right into his cold, evil heart:

Leah Stab

He immediately turned into a puddle of delicious chocolate milk, like all Nazis with a punctured heart are wont to do. Katka, Leah, and I escaped with our lives intact, but I shall never mistrust Russian propaganda ever again: Ukrainian Nazis are everywhere, and they are among us—in parks and public areas, they stand around, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to come alive and strike.

My advice: Always be on your guard. Also, learn the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” You’ll need them.

Euro 2012…in my backyard?

It’s that time of the year again! More accurately, it’s that time of every four years again. Hmmm…awkward opening to a post.

Anyway, Euro 2012 is here! It’s an epic event broadcast worldwide and played across continents, from Europe to…well, yeah, it’s a Europe only thing. The name was kind of a giveaway, wasn’t it?

I’m generally not a football fan, but every Euro and World Cup always draws my attention. There’s something inherently cool about watching countries face each other on a field of battle, to see which one brings home the Golden Football…or, Rubber Referee? Silk T-Shirt? I’m not really sure what they win exactly…

“Congratulations guys! The Platinum…Pacifier thingee…is yours!”

This year’s especially interesting for me, since the host countries are Poland and Ukraine. Ukraine – the land that gave you great people like Klitschko brothers, Milla Jovovich and yours truly, Daniel Nest! Some of the games are being played in my home city of Kharkov, so it’s kind of cool to tune in and follow.

Ukraine is facing Sweden today, in a clash to determine which combination of blue and yellow kicks the most ass. I’m not getting my hopes up, but one can always wonder “what if”.

I just need to brace myself for my girlfriend’s exasperated running commentary of the games. You see, she plays Lacrosse and loves to point out all the crappy things about football that would never happen in the magical world of Lacrosse. A world where unicorns frolic across the field and butterflies flutter above players as they execute their moves with perfect precision and the grace of ballet dancers.

Real-life Lacrosse action, caught on camera

Just kidding, of course. Everyone knows unicorns don’t exist!

How about you? Are you following the Euro Cup? Football in general? Or are you a person who insists on referring to it as “soccer” and grimacing in pain at the very mention of the word? If yes, then football, football, football! Are there any other upcoming sports events you’re looking forward to?