No Internet = No Virus!

“No Internet = No Virus” is the apparent slogan of an anti-virus software that earlier today completely fucked up my Internet access. I don’t want to mention any names, but let’s just say it starts with “McAfee” and ends with “Antivirus”.

For many years I have happily used the free anti-virus software from Avira. It ran fast, worked great, and didn’t cost anything, because that’s how “free” works.

Then I bought a new laptop.

Like most laptops these days it came pre-installed with a bunch of programs that I couldn’t care less about. One of these was the anti-virus software whose name rhymes with “McAfee Shmantivirus”. On an almost daily basis this piece of s…oftware reminded me that my one-month free trial would soon run out. Today was the last day of the trial, of which I was reminded yet again by a pop-up with panicky flashing messaging.

Well, it’s either The Apocalypse or I need to buy some software!

I had no intention of extending the trial period and merely wanted to uninstall McAfee Ant…the anti-virus software that shall remain unnamed. So I naturally went to the “Uninstall Programs” menu, where I clicked on the anti-virus in an attempt to remove it. Ha, stupid Daniel, trying to do the logical thing. McAfee laughs at your lack of insanity! I was repeatedly prevented from making changes to McAfee products and asked to contact the computer’s administrator. After contacting myself and giving myself the “go ahead”, I still couldn’t perform the necessary uninstall.

Then I decided to just try to install Avira first, so that I’d be covered against viruses when uninstalling McAfee. Avira helpfully pointed out that I had McAfee products on my laptop and asked me whether I’d like its help to remove them. I did. So, Avira tried uninstalling them for me.

Bad idea!

McAfee’s feelings were hurt and, like an upset five-year-old kid going home and taking all the toys with him, McAfee blocked my Internet access. That’s how I ended up in the following catch 22:

1) McAfee was still officially “installed” on my laptop.

2) Avira couldn’t proceed with its own installation until McAfee was removed.

3) When trying to uninstall/delete McAfee files I would get repeated errors, telling me uninstall was impossible.

So now I had two non-functioning anti-virus programs and no way to access the Internet.

Sorry, you’ve experienced a fuck you error. Would you like to go to hell?

Thankfully, I had another computer handy. After a bit of research I learned that McAfee is unanimously hated by anyone trying to uninstall it. Mine was a common problem, which could be solved by downloading and installing a dedicated software called McAfee Consumer Products Removal tool, or MCPR.

Now, to summarize:

1) McAfee is so poorly made that attempting to uninstall it causes known system-wide issues, including loss of Internet access on the PC in question.

2) McAfee released a separate piece of software, the sole purpose of which is to delete their other malfunctioning software.

3) You can download this software for free, provided you have Internet access, which is made slightly more difficult by point 1).

4) Producers of McAfee Antivirus are fucking insane

McAfee Marketing Director presents a new business plan

Luckily, since I had access to a separate PC I was able to download MCPR, copy it to my new laptop and perform a full uninstall. This brought my computer and Internet back to life. I am now able to vent my frustrations on the blog. All is good again.

To anyone considering a McAfee product, may I instead suggest stabbing yourselves repeatedly in the eye with toothpicks instead? At least that way you’ll still have your Internet access!


Have any of you experienced PC issues lately? What anti-virus software are you using? Do you enjoy stabbing things with toothpicks?

3 reasons I’m getting a new laptop

Today, after many months of deliberation, I have finally ordered a new laptop. Being a gadget freak this is like a mini-Christmas for me. Except for it’s September and Santa Claus is not in any way involved in this transaction.

Below I’ll give you three reasons why I made this decision. Speaking of reasons: I have zero reasons to structure this post in list format, but lack of good reasons rarely stopped me before. So here goes:

3) Blue Screen Of Death

The “Blue Screen Of Death” is surely known to most of you by its far more catchy acronym – BSoD. It’s a standard feature that comes equipped with all Windows-based PCs. At random intervals, for reasons incomprehensible to anyone who isn’t Bill Gates, your computer will shut down and display some lines of white text against a blue background. This text will sound informative at first, but soon you’ll realise that it’s just computer-speak for “I broke, so fuck you!”

While in the past I was exposed to the infamous BSoD on a pretty infrequent basis, lately my laptop decided that looking at BSoD should be my new hobby. It doesn’t matter whether I’m doing something fun (playing Advanced Minesweeper: Pacman Snake Edition, reading comedy articles, watching porn) or useful (researching new porn sites), my laptop will usually decide that BSoD is far more worthy of my time. As much as I enjoy decrypting coded messages from my laptop, I think it’s time to move on.

2) Cooling fan noises

Another fun recent development is that my laptop’s cooling fan now acts as a coffee grinder. Well, it doesn’t actually grind any coffee, but it sure does a pretty neat coffee grinder impression. Every time it tries to speed up it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies.

I’ve tried taking the laptop apart and cleaning the cooling fan. Now it sounds like helicopter blades slicing through a throng of advancing zombies made of gravel. Since the cooling fan isn’t quite doing its job the laptop overheats way too fast and skips straight to BSoD mode.

I’ve had this laptop for over four years so any warranty and insurance on it have run out by now. Oh yeah, and the company that made my laptop has gone bankrupt around two years ago. It can’t possibly pay to start replacing components and making my laptop zombie-friendly again.

“Hi, Zombies! I am one of you! I come in peace!”

1) Underpowered gaming experience

I don’t play computer games as much as I used to, but I do play them every now and then. One thing you should know about most modern games is that they require more processing power than NASA’s space shuttle launches. That’s what it takes to realistically render hundreds of enemies succumbing to an onslaught of bullets from your guns.

This means that if I want to play a new game on my current laptop I have to turn the graphics settings all the way down, making my enemies resemble indistinguishable square blocks instead of infected Nazi robot soldiers that they truly are. What, you haven’t heard of that game – Infected Nazi Robot Zombies: The Shooting Of?! Is it all in my head? Damn, somebody should make that game, like, now!

Anyways, what I’m saying is if I wanted to shoot indistinguishable blocks at other blocks then I’d still be playing Tetris.

My new laptop should be arriving by the end of the week. Are you excited? You should be, I’ll be able to type out these blog posts on a brand new 17 inch screen. We’ll be communicating in HD and all that jazz!

Have you recently purchased a new gadget? A new electronic appliance? A new coaster? What do you think of infected Nazi robots and their impact on the zombie community?