Top news of the day: I have returned to Denmark, but will be leaving again in a week to partake in the minor event called my-freaking-wedding-holy-schlimazel-I’m-going-to-be-married-soon-how-crazy-is-that.
In other, less momentous news, everyone is wondering whether Russia’s anti-gay bill will affect the upcoming Olympics in Sochi. The simple and unambiguous answer to that, of course, is that it most definitely will, but absolutely, categorically will not.
While many people oppose Russia’s bill, I am here to talk about its merit and discuss the many reasons it’s a very necessary measure.
Don’t worry, I won’t be repeating the obvious. Everyone knows that when our kids see two gay men kissing or holding hands in public they automatically start worshipping the Devil and stabbing stuffed animals in the eye with ice picks. That’s just common sense. Plus all that hand-holding is, like, really icky and stuff.
What I’ll be presenting are the less-known facts that expose gay people for what we’ve always suspected them to be: well-adjusted, contributing members of society who, apart from their sexual preference, are exactly the same as the rest of us. I know, it’s sickening!
Here are the reasons why we should uphold anti-gay laws.
5. Gays make straight parents look bad
Did you know that some studies point to gay couples making the best parents? Or show that children who have gay parents are apparently happier?
While some of you may be tempted to applaud these findings and even use them to argue that gay parents are better for our society, let me stop you right there.
How do you think it makes straight parents look? That’s right: it makes them look like incompetent fools. If our children can’t look up to their straight parents, who will they look up to? That’s right: fictional heroes like John McClane, Rambo and Forrest Gump. Next thing you know our children are eating chocolate and walking on broken glass. We can’t have that!
4. Gay marriages put lawyers out of work
A recent study looked at legalisation of gay marriage and its correlation to divorce rates. What it found was shocking, horrifying and, for lack of a better word, horrifying (for the second time): those states that allow gay marriage have, on average, lower divorce rates.
I don’t think anybody needs me to explain what this means, but I will do so anyway. It means that divorce lawyers will become unemployed as soon as gay marriage is legalised. Lawyers have long been an underprivileged and oppressed class in our society. Now, gay marriage is threatening to drive them out of work and into depression.
Save the world’s lawyers! Don’t be a monster!
3. Gay men are stealing our women
Did you know that, according to this study, women are more likely to trust relationship advice given by gay men? In fact, they are more likely to trust a gay male friend than a straight female friend.
I want you to think long and hard about what the implications of this are, then I will tell you what they are, because you’re bound to arrive at the wrong conclusion.
If gay men are allowed to run around and build meaningful relationships with our women, our women will have less time for us. Also, gay man are in a perfect position to get into our women’s heads and turn them against us. Women trust them unconditionally! Next time your girlfriend or wife talks to a gay friend of hers, what’s stopping him from saying: “Forget about Daniel (your name is Daniel too, right?)! You should be with me instead”?
What’s that? Why would gay men be interested in stealing our straight girlfriends? I have the perfect answer for you:
Shut up when I’m making a point that makes sense in my head, that’s why! Smart ass!
2. Gays have had their time, now it’s our turn
I bet you thought that gay people are the product of our twisted modern society, but, it turns out, they’ve been around for a long, long time. They’ve been spotted in ancient Rome, ancient Greece, ancient Mesopotamia and countless other places. I haven’t been to any of those! When was the last time you went to ancient Rome or ancient Mesopotamia? Thought so!
When is it our turn?
The answer is: now!
Gays have been stealing our thunder for as long as Zeus, the God of Thunder, was splitting trees asunder with his lightning bolts. Finally, in the 21st century, straight people get to be noticed.
I refuse to remain silent. I will shout it from the rooftops:
We are here! We are straight! We are…not as good at rhyming!
1. Gay people make all of us gay
There’s no mild way to put it, so I’ll just say it: it’s been proven that countries with less anti-gay discrimination are happier than others. Take the case of a disgusting little place called Denmark. Danes are consistently rated as the happiest nation and they are one of the most liberal folk when it comes to gay rights. Awful!
You’re not following, are you? Do I need to spell it out? Fine:
Gay tolerance make countries happy. Do you know what another word for “happy” is? Gay! Another word for “happy” is “gay”.
So, scientific studies show that, in a very real, measurable way, gay people are making every single one of us gay too! It’s contagious! It’s just like the zombie apocalypse, but slightly more fabulous.
Say what you want, but Russia clearly knows what it’s doing.
If you all want to be happy, have stable marriages and satifised children, go right ahead and play into the gay people’s hands!
Me? I’ll stay right here and be bitter and miserable, along with Russia, thank you very much.
For some more pertinent commentary on societal issues, check out:
5 stupidest arguments against pursuing gender equality
4 Hidden Dangers of Prancercise