If I know my audience, which I don’t, then I’m certain you all were missing my infamous kittens posts and losing sleep over it. I am here to remedy this imaginary problem right away.

We finally picked up Django and Pebbles on Thursday evening. During their short stay at our place they’ve already taught me some valuable lessons. Here come these lessons, which none of you really wanted to hear.

4. Sleep is entirely optional

Until three days ago I considered eight hours of sleep to be an indispensable part of a healthy existence, like breathing or hating Justin Bieber. Turns out that’s bullshit. You only need a few hours of sleep a night, tops.

The first night our new kittens were too stressed about being separated from their mom. That was only fair. How would you feel about two strangers showing up at your house, kidnapping you right in front of your mother, stuffing you in a shoulder-bag and carrying you through the city while you meowed? OK, that analogy got away from me.

Anyways, Django and Pebbles woke us up a couple of times during the first night with their meows and we stayed with them until they calmed down. It was exactly like being parents. I say this with all the authority of a man that doesn’t have children and that held maybe two and a half babies during his whole life. Don’t ask about the half, it’s a long story.

The second night I got up to use the toilet at around 4AM and ended up filming the kittens play in the dark for half an hour. And no, this wasn’t creepy in any way whatsoever, thanks for asking.

Yesterday night I woke up multiple times just thinking about kitten related stuff like “why aren’t they meowing?” and “should I go film them in the dark for half an hour?”.

I’m running on far less sleep than I’m used to…and I’m perfectly fine. Why, just a few minutes ago I passed out at my laptop, drooled on the keyboard and short-circuited the Western Copenhagen area. Throughout all of this I barely noticed anything was out of order. So yeah, perfectly fine!

3. Kittens have superpowers

You wouldn’t gather this from their deceptively cute looks and purry demeanour, but kittens possess some real-life superpowers. Django’s consist mainly of escaping unscathed from high altitude falls that sound like they’d shattered every bone in his body and caused earthquakes in mainland China.

Pebbles…is a whole different story.

On Friday I worked from home to be there for the kittens and help them adjust to their new living arrangements. Both kittens were in the room with me the whole time…or so I thought. When I tried to locate Pebbles I realised she wasn’t there. I looked under the couch where she’d been before. I even looked behind the couch, because I’m not easily deterred. I looked everywhere in the room. Then everywhere around the apartment.

It was official: I’d lost a kitten in less than 24 hours. In my own apartment. I was the shittiest kitten sitter in the world, not counting the cat-juggling guy who lives outside our house and whom I’ve just invented for the purpose of this narrative.

I was just in the middle of writing a heartfelt letter to my fiancee, explaining why I chose to permanently leave the country and sever all ties with her and my friends, when Pebbles…I shit you not…magically materialised from within the very same couch I’d inspected earlier. She acted as if teleporting through solid objects was the most ordinary thing you could imagine.

Rational people among you will try to explain this phenomenon away with nonsense like “she just hid in a crevice within the couch that you didn’t see”, but I know what truly happened.

Ladies and gentlemen – Pebbles is the T-1000:

2. Basil isn’t what it seems

On the first day we moved some of our plants into a closed-off room. Some plants were considered toxic to cats, some we just wanted to save from an onslaught of claws and teeth. When I entered the room some hours later it had acquired a very distinct aroma. I think we can all agree that “distinct aroma” is a much classier phrase than “cat piss”, which is what the room actually smelled like.

This was puzzling, seeing how the kittens have not accessed this room since their arrival. How did they manage to transfer their smell into a closed room? Was their pee also capable of teleportation? While I was busy pondering these important questions my fiancee came up with the silly notion that the basil plant was responsible for the smell. How very silly of her! I had to Google it just to show her how silly she was bei…

Holy shit! Holy pee, even. Turns out that supermarket basil often smells like cat pee. That’s a horrible thing for an edible herb to smell of. Shame on you, basil. I’m so disappointed.

1. Kittens will melt your fucking face

Did I say “face”? I meant “heart”. Kittens will melt your goddamn heart.

We only had them for three short days and I already can’t imagine how we ever did without them. I hope I manage to avoid losing them inside the apartment again. That would be worse than eating basil after the tidbit I’ve shared above.

I’m also happy to announce that The Shreddinator 3000 is a huge success:

Wait a second, here’s a close up. May it melt your face too: