Crying Yellow Lego Face

Memes are just like life

I’ve recently returned from a previously unannounced trip to Czech Republic, where we attended a family wedding. It went well. Alcohol was consumed, food was eaten, words were exchanged, fun was had. I managed to avoid embarrassing myself in public by walking into glass or fainting. So, all in all, a success.

Now I’m back, and I want to talk to you about memes. Memes are clever, aren’t they? Who knew that you could sum up so much of life’s wisdom in a single picture with a simple caption? How inventive!

What’s that? Memes aren’t a new thing and have existed for so long that everyone’s tired of them?! Nonsense! Did you see the one with the condescending Wonka or the grumpy cat? They’re laughtastic. Funnylicious. Other made-up words. Nobody could possibly get bored of them. Certainly not anyone on the Internet, judging by how many versions of each we have created.

There is, of course, one problem with today’s memes. They tend to be lighthearted and humorous, and they very rarely manage to accurately reflect the content of the pictures they’re captioning. I will not stand, sit, or swim backward for this. It is time somebody created the serious, grounded memes we all deserve. That someone is me. These are my somber memes. Enjoy. (Or don’t. You shouldn’t, really.)

I Don't Always

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Depression Meme

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FacePalm Meme

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Gun Meme

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GrumpyCat Meme

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Surprised Old Lady Meme

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Arson Meme

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Troll Meme

5 ways my life’s different after Australia

It’s happened. Against all odds and expectations I have returned to Denmark. Oceans were no match for me. Vast distances didn’t scare me. I soared through the air like an eagle.

Yes, exactly like an eagle trapped inside a massive metal tube with wings, packed with screaming children, travelling through turbulence at 900 km/h.

I am back.

A compassionate blogger knows to avoid talking at length about his travels, lest others become envious and depressed.

I am not a compassionate blogger.

Behold as I present to you a list of things that have changed in my life after this long vacation in Australia.

Quite a misleading picture, seeing how we never went to Ayers Rock

Misleading Picture Alert! We never actually went to Ayers Rock

5. I have a (sort of) tan

This may sound obvious until you learn that, for me, the standard definition of a tan is “first degree burn”. However, a wondrous combination of generously applied  SPF 30+ sunscreen and Australia’s nuclear sun…and voilà – nice crispy brownish colour. Too bad this applies only to the regularly exposed parts of my body, like arms, legs, face and the big toe of my left foot (I need new shoes). On the whole I’m probably more like a Frankenstein’s monster, assuming that Frankenstein assembled his monster from differently shaded Ken-doll body parts.

4. I’m now an expert on Aussie lingo

“G’day mate, how you going?”. Are you impressed yet? OK, so there’s more to it than that. Here’s a helpful guide to speaking like an Australian:

Pick a word. Any word. Does it have more than two syllables? If yes, shorten it to exactly two syllables. Make sure it sounds like you’re talking to a 5 year old. You’re done. Examples include: “brolly” (umbrella), “lolly” (lollipop), “sunnies” (sunglasses), “mozzie” (mosquito). What can I say? Aussies love their baby talk.

Now, can you guess what “flip-flops” are called there? You said “floppies”, didn’t you?! Cute, but wrong! “Flip flops” are called “thongs” in Australia, because of course. I imagine there once was a hilarious misunderstanding involving an Australian company trying to sell “kids’ thongs” on the US market. Good laughs were had by all, except those who ended up on the sex offender registry.

3. I’ve learned a lot about Australian wildlife

When you’re in Australia you’re inevitably exposed to a whole host of wildlife you’ve never met. For example, do you know what the difference between a kangaroo and a wallaby is? If you’re like me your answer to that question was “Wallawho?!”. Thanks to the Australia trip I’m now a lot wiser. I’ve seen it all: wallabies, platypuses, koalas, kangaroos, wombats, wombaroos, koalabees. You name it!

Koalabee. Courtesy of: your nightmares!

Koalabee. Courtesy of: your nightmares

2. I’m no longer a snorkelling virgin

Yup, Australia’s where I’ve snorkelled for the first time in my life. At the Great Barrier Reef. With fish and turtles. And coral. I even petted a turtle on the back. It was awesome.

What was less awesome is that our guides gave us a long lecture on the dangers of the tiny Irukandji jellyfish, only to immediately drop us into the water full of them. Thanks to my snorkelling mask I could enjoy a crystal clear view of dozens of Irukandji swimming right past my face. Delightful.

1. I don’t have a girlfriend anymore…

…I now have a fiancee!

Yup, some minutes after midnight on the 1st of January 2013, shortly after the Sydney New Year fireworks have died down, I proposed.

The proposal took a form of me pointing into the crowd to our left and saying “Hey look, someone’s proposing!”. While my girlfriend’s confused gaze was temporarily fixed on the crowd I took out the ring, which is what she saw when she finally turned back. Despite this cheap trick having unequivocally proven that my emotional maturity is on par with a toddler, she said yes.

She must really see something in me…maybe it’s my bitching’ tan?!

Incredibly, someone on Clker.com made this uncannily appropriate picture.

Someone on Clker.com made this uncannily fitting picture.

So there you have it – I’m soon to be a married man. Or, as they undoubtedly call it in Australia, a “marmie”.

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What have you all been up to? How’s 2013 going? How many thongs do you own?

Guest Expressed: “Applying Judge Judy-isms to Real Life”

Today we get a visit from Jenny Miller who dissects some of Judge Judy’s catchphrases to see if we can learn a lesson or two from them. Enter Jenny:

Every TV personality has a set of catch phrases he or she pulls from regularly. Some are more extreme with this (like Dr. Phil) and others are more subdued (like Emeril Lagasse). One of my favorite catch phrase champions is Judge Judy, who uses random but applicable statements to make people understand something. I decided to decode some of these infamous “Judge Judy-isms” in the hopes of applying them to real life. Are you ready to have a giggle or two? Let’s see what lessons in life we can learn from Judge Judy…

“Don’t teach a pig to sing. It doesn’t work, and it annoys the pig.”

What Judy’s trying to say here is that there is no sense trying to get someone to change when he or she is set in a certain way. Pigs can’t sing, tractors can’t tap dance, and people can’t change unless they want to. Period.

“You better tell me the truth because I’m much smarter than you are.”

There is always going to be someone out there that can pinpoint your lies and use them against you. You’re not fooling anyone. Rather than sticking to whatever dumb story you may have concocted about a situation, let people know the truth. Then you can be the smart one picking out other people’s lies.

“Are you trying to justify to me that you’re an idiot?”

Sometimes it is better to leave a situation alone than to try to come up with dumb excuses as to why you did something. Attempting to cover the truth just makes you look like an idiot, especially if the lie you’re telling doesn’t make any sense. Long story short – learn to shut your mouth when necessary.

“Dumb ideas come from people who have dumb brains.”

If you know something is stupid ahead of time, don’t do it. If you don’t know that something is stupid ahead of time, you really need to be more aware of your life. The fact of the matter is that you can prevent yourself from acting foolishly if you just pay attention. Otherwise, you might end up on the bad side of the Judge Judy slap stick.

“How do you know when a teenager is lying? When their lips are moving!”

Young people lie all the time, and they don’t always lose that in adulthood. If you are debating whether or not to trust your child or teenage best friend, don’t. You can love them all you want, but you shouldn’t put faith in their ability to tell the truth. It’s just not going to happen.

“You need to put on your listening ears.”

Before you jump to conclusions in life, pay attention to what is really going on around you. Listen to the people that you love, and be aware of your surroundings. So many people go through life trying to predict what’s to come, rather than accommodating for it as it happens. You need to do a little bit of both to stay on the right track.

Watch the show to learn more Judge Judy-isms, and you’ll be laughing your pants wet in no time.

About the Author: Jenny Miller is a college student, mother, and huge fan of Judge Judy. She is attending school on a scholarship for women, and she hopes to graduate with a bachelor’s in the next two years.