Rubiks Cube Scrambled

Logic For Dummies

Before I dive into the post I just want to announce that the laugh-out-loud-funny Valerie and her famed airborne platypus army have bestowed a new blog award upon me. Feast your eyes on this baby:

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

They see me writin’, they haaaatin’

Those of you who know me will know that I’m known for not knowing how to play by the blog award rules and for writing horrible run-on sentences, so I may or may not pass this award on to 15 other bloggers at some point in a distant future.

I will say, however, that Valerie’s blog is well worth your visit if you ever need a laugh or seventeen. Now, onward.

We just purchased a 22-inch LCD monitor, so that my fiancee can work from home some days. Her laptop screen simply isn’t big enough to accommodate all those graphs, numbers and pictures of our future cats.

Today the monitor arrived, accompanied by an utterly useless instruction leaflet that shows how to attach it to the base.

Look, I’ve had my occasional lapses of logic previously, so I may not be one to talk.

However, I sincerely hope nobody out there actually requires an instruction like this:

LCD Monitor Base Assembly Instructions

Step 1: Use brain. Step 2: DERP! Step 3: Success

Really? Was this necessary? Come on, this instruction doesn’t tell us anything beyond what could be summed up in a sentence: “Attach the base to the monitor”. Nobody needs a three-step visual diagram for the easiest two-piece jigsaw puzzle in existence.

There is only one detail of the above assembly process that may, hypothetically, cause some people issues: knowing which exact recess of the base the monitor fits into. Notice how the instruction leaflet does nothing to address that. Instead, it patronisingly tells us what we must already know.

Wait a second. This actually gives me an idea! Here, enjoy my special Spaghetti Bolognese recipe:

Spaghetti Bolognese Recipe Simplified

Simple and delicious!

Have you come across similarly useless instructions? Instructions that were too complicated to understand? Wrong instructions? Instructions that defy logic? IKEA instructions, which can be all of the above?

Guest Expressed: “Movie Mistakes and Broken Logic”

Today we hear a rant about some obvious movie flaws and questions about movies that should’ve been asked. Let’s go:

Before you get your fingers at the ready to send in a bunch of angry emails, I should make one thing clear. I know that movies are a form of art for some, and a bit of fun for others, and that we should not take them too seriously. All I am doing here, is just pointing out a few mistakes and pieces of broken logic. Not as a criticism, but as an observer.

You see what gets me (and a few of the film critics too) is that some things happen in movies, and none of the production staff seem to pick up on it. For example there is an old film 1972, called Night Of The Lepus. Now if you know what Lepus means, then you already know what I am going to say.

It is a horror film, and in the 1970s, if they did not advertise the film’s content, then you did not know what was in it. All the adverts showed for this killer-horror was people running from large eyes in the dark. So imagine sitting down with your partner to watch this blockbuster horror film and watching 20 minutes of a film before finding out what Lepus means:

“Hares and jackrabbits are leporids belonging to the genus Lepus.” (Wikipedia)

That’s right, it is a horror film about giant bunnies.  This was not a joke and had genuine Hollywood actors in it.  What gets to people like me (and film critics) is that somebody wrote it and pitched it, somebody accepted it, somebody green lit it, somebody financed it, somebody hired actors, actors read the scripts and agreed to play in it, somebody produced it and somebody advertised it.

Out of ALL of those people, wasn’t there one person who raised an eyebrow and said, “Fluffy bunnies are not scary”. It doesn’t matter if they are 20 feet tall with blood dripping from their teeth. They are not scary.

So here we go. In Final Destination 1, when Billy Hitchcock (Seann William Scott) has his head cut off by flying shrapnel, why is the main character’s first reaction to launch into an exposition monologue? No reaction to the headless friend, no tears, no scream, no pause for effect – just a launch into an unneeded monologue.

Going to have to quote Family Guy here, but on one episode Chris Griffin (played by Seth Green) says, “Erm, do you know in Lord Of The Rings, when the big eagle comes to rescue Gandalf…how come they do not just fly the eagle to Mordor and drop the ring into the volcano, instead of spending three movies walking there?”

How come in The Dark Knight, when Batman is interrogating the Joker, he hits the Joker (hard) repeatedly in the face and on the table, and yet not only does he not make the Joker bleed or bruise, he also does not smudge his makeup. I mean what does Batman have inside his gloves, sponges? Loved the movie though.

How come in Titanic, Jack (Leo Dicaprio) says he went fishing in Lake Wissota yet that is a man-made lake that wasn’t created until 1918, six years after the Titanic went down? How come Dorothy falls in a pig-pen yet doesn’t have a mark on her dress in The Wizard of Oz?

Why in Knowing, does Caleb (Nicolas Cage) continue writing numbers supposedly predicting future events when the world is ending?

How come in the movie Spiceworld the girls change outfits for every scene, but then when Posh Spice puts on something super hot, she is not on the screen long enough for the 12 year old boys watching? Does that movie know how many 12 year old boys broke the “Pause” button on their VCRs because Posh Spice is in a cat suit for all of 5.7 seconds before the scene changes?

The above guest blog write-up is created by Beer Club, where beer lovers can find the top microbrew of the month clubs.