3 phases of a dream

I’ve been having pretty vivid dreams lately. Maybe it’s because I watch too many action movies with explosions instead of a plot? In any case, I’m having these detailed dreams where lots of stuff happens.

Then I wake up and remember next to nothing!

Here’s a rough approximation of how my vivid dreams slowly evaporate from my memory.

Phase One – The dream

I’m piloting a giant robot through the ruins of a post-apocalyptic city. My trusty pet elephant – Muko – is flying just above my left shoulder, keeping me company. We are on the way to the Chocolate Factory to warn people that Charlie Sheen was elected President Of Middle Earth and his grasshopper army is gathering just outside the city walls.

When we arrive Muko is fired upon by my girlfriend holding a Super Soaker that shoots lasers for some reason. I’m angry, because she never lets me do anything fun. I explain to her that Muko is my friend and I want to keep him. At this point Muko joins the conversation and, in my brother’s voice, says: “Happy New Year!”

We’re in Ukraine, of course, celebrating the arrival of 2012. Everyone is having a good time, including Muko the python, who is also my brother. At some point I remember that the Romans are outside waiting to hear my answer to their ultimatum. I jump through the 6th-floor window and glide slowly down to the bottom of the volcano. As I land I realise I forgot to wear my Kevlar vest, just as the first of the bullets fired by Agent Smith pierces my chest. I succumb to a barrage of bullets and fall to the ground.

I lie on my back, my vision slowly blurring. The last thing I see is Muko’s face, which is also my face. He leans close to my ear and, in my girlfriend’s voice, whispers:

“Surprise, Muko! It was you all along!”

Instant Bestseller. No doubt about it!

Phase Two – Waking up

I wake up, the epic dream still in my head. Mostly. I can recall there were robots involved and I was fighting elephants armed with Super Soaker lasers. I think my girlfriend and my brother were there too. I was also flying at some point. Many things have happened, it was like ten movies at once. So awesome. Must tell someone about this!

Phase Three – Telling someone

Me: Had a pretty crazy dream tonight, you were in it.
Girlfriend: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Me: Not quite sure, but I think we fed an elephant.
Girlfriend: Yeah…sounds…fun.

_______

Am I the only one with crazy dreams? Do you also forget yours as soon as you open your eyes? What do you think about giant flying elephant robots and their influence on the Middle Earth?

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4 questionable comparisons in idioms

Idioms are great. Whenever you want to convey something, but are too lazy to form your own sentences, you just whip out an idiom and it’s all crystal clear. Easy as pie!

Nevertheless, idioms aren’t always straightforward. Some idioms make perfect sense. For example, it’s, like, so easy to take candy from a baby! I could literally do it with my eyes closed. Seriously, babies have really shitty motor skills, all you have to do is just wait until they drop it.

Yet some idioms use comparisons that seem really far-fetched, or just pure wrong. Let me complain about those for a while.

Side note: Yes, I know that most idioms have clear origins and explanations. I too have access to the Internet and know how to type. All I’m questioning is their relevance and usage in an average conversation. Also, shut up, nobody likes a smart-ass. Which is why I have so few friends…now you’ve made me depressed.

4. Happy as a clam

What?! How do you even tell if a clam is happy? Do they smile? If they do, holy crap that’s creepy! For this reference to really hit home we have to assume that clams on the whole are happier than most other living things. Who surveyed the clam population to establish this fact? More importantly – can I have their job?

Aaaaw just look at him! So happy and peaceful!

3. Cool as a cucumber

That’s right, we all know cucumbers are smooth operators. I dare you to try scare a cucumber and see what happens. Nothing is what happens! It’s a freaking vegetable, it has no ability to show emotion. If “cool” refers to temperature, then how did someone come up with this specific comparison? Are cucumbers notoriously poor conductors of heat? Because I’ve never heard anyone say “This man is having a heat stroke. Quick, beat him with cucumbers!” On a side note, I think I’ve just inadvertently invented a new reality ER show that I’d be more than willing to watch.

2. Dead as a door-nail

I sort of see the logic here. Door-nails don’t move or breathe, just like dead people. You know what else doesn’t move or breathe? Literally any inanimate object you can find. Your table? Dead! Your toothbrush? Dead! Your bed? So very dead! You’re surrounded by death, yet you go on about your business, oblivious to those poor door-nails and their struggles. What kind of monster are you?!

1. Sleep like a baby

Holy shit! Really?! Have you ever seen a baby before? That analogy is on par with “healthy as a multiple gunshot victim”.

Now that’s more like it!

If you’re trying to talk about how great you’ve slept babies are definitely the last thing you should be bringing up. Try comparing your sleep to something more calm and reserved. Like a cucumber, or something.

There are many more dubious idioms, but these are my picks for today. How about you? Do you hate some idioms? Do you hate some idiots? Are idiots as thick as bricks?