Obama Face

WTF Report: “Obama is…”

In my last post I used Google to paint an eerily “accurate” picture of Vladimir Putin.

The post was universally hailed by all four people that read it. Some called it “daring,” others said it was “groundbreaking.” Some others called it “you’re just typing random shit into Google and then turning it into a ‘post,’ you lazy hack,” which is entirely true and also shut up.

The post was surely all of those things. You can call me a lazy writer, a no-good doodle-slinger (whatever the hell that means), or even an “I don’t know who that guy is.” But I won’t let you call me a one-trick pony. No sir. Today I’ll prove once and for all that I can do more than search for Putin’s name and take screenshots. Today I’ll do the same with Obama. You may not even know this, but Obama is:

Obama is

Who wants:

Obama wants

Yet he won’t:

Obama won't

Because he does:

Obama does

And he has:

Obama has

So he needs:

Obama needs

To recap: Obama is an idiotic Muslim Antichrist. He wants to ban guns so that the US can at last go to war with Russia and install Obama as the king of the world for the third term. He won’t negotiate. He won’t wait for Congress, mainly because he doesn’t need Congress to avoid saluting a marine.

By having an affair that resulted in an illegitimate son Obama destroyed America. This is exactly why he needs to go and get himself impeached before he’s killed. But his most heinous crime to date is his stubborn refusal to deport Justin Bieber. Maybe that’s because they do drugs together?

The Sandy Conspirathon

You may have heard of this little hurricane called Sandy. If you haven’t, that’s probably because you’re currently in New York and your power’s been cut. In which case, how’re you reading this? Your voodoo magic doesn’t frighten me, witch doctor!

Sandy’s claimed dozens of lives and is so far estimated to have caused 20 billion dollars worth of damage in US. Small change.

But while the rest of us are worried about trivial things like mass devastation and loss of human lives, there are fearless few who dare to ask the truly important question: “are gay people and Obama to blame here?!”

This article lists four conspiracy theories voiced by separate sources, each nutjobier than the other:

  • Sandy is God’s punishment for legalising abortion and gay marriage. Because an unspeakable atrocity like two people in love getting married deserves nothing less than a devastatig hurricane.
  • Sandy was engineered by Obama, because then he could something something something, and then BAM, get re-elected. Honestly, if I find out Obama learned how to manipulate freaking weather and wasted that power on creating Sandy, I’ll be sorely disappointed. Barack, if that’s your best use of a climate control device, then you’re the shittiest supervillain in history!
  • Sandy was inevitable and aliens have predicted it. Mulder, you were right all along!
  • Sandy is God’s punishment for dividing Israel. You see, God hasn’t settled on which of the “gay marriage” or “Israel” excuses works best, so he’s keeping his options open.

Whenever I hear or read shit like this, I always wonder what these people’s deal is. I can offer only two possible explanations:

  1. They wholeheartedly believe every bit of this nonsense. That would make them certifiably insane. The fact that they aren’t diagnosed as dangerous lunatics supports my “protecting the world’s crazies” conspiracy theory. Book out in stores in 2014. Ha, kidding, we all know we’re gonna die in, like, two months. The Mayans said so.
  2. They are perfectly aware that at least some of what they’re saying is utter bullshit. That would make them guilty of manipulation in order to promote their agenda, even if that agenda is “Hey guys – aliens and stuff!”.

Regardless, whatever their motivation for propagating insanity, they’re all missing the real culprit here…

Gangnam Style.

If you skip to the 30 second mark of the video, you see the man perform what looks like a “dance” move, consisting of repeated ground stomping. Immediately afterwards he walks through a tunnel where unusually strong wind blows garbage in his face. Here’s a helpful diagram:

Wind is invisible, so it requires more arrows

Coincidence? Most definitely not! This man is clearly a wind whisperer and his “dance” is an ancient ritual for summoning storms. Look, I’m just laying out the facts, you be the judge!

If one man can single-handedly (or double-leggedly, as is the case here) create such a powerful storm, imagine what happens when you multiply that by 615 million? That’s right – a hurricane! Well, what do you know? The video has over 615 million views on Youtube as of today. Coincidence? …Exactly!

I have once made a futile attempt to warn you all about the spread of this man’s influence. You didn’t heed my warning and now it’s far too late! Too many people have copied the wind ritual cleverly disguised as Gangnam dance. There’s no stopping him now.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re looking for someone to blame for this disaster – blame Britney Spears and Ellen Degeneres:

What do you think? Would you call my theory “insightful and accurate” or “undeniable and bullet-proof”? Is Gangnam going to doom us all? Do you have your own theory about this?