Nest Digest: “Fear Edition – Wolves & Math”

Denmark is a quiet and peaceful country. You rarely witness violent crime here. This is excellent news for all residents, but it makes life tricky for newspaper and TV reporters focusing on local events.

A good example is a Danish reality show, called Politistationen (“Police Station”). It’s just like the US show Cops, with the minor difference that while Cops usually involves adrenaline-laden car chases and firearm-laden standoffs, Politistationen is about police officers having polite conversations with mildly inebriated teenagers who fall off their bikes.

One episode of Politistationen followed two cops who engaged in the following perilous activities:

  • Shooing away a small herd of cows that kept two girls scared and “trapped” atop a haystack in the middle of a field.
  • Asking a dog owner to consider not tying his dog too close to a supermarket entrance to avoid scaring other shoppers.
  • Patiently explaining to an elderly lady that there’s nothing illegal about her neighbour masturbating in his own apartment across the street from hers and that instead of calling the cops she might want to consider closing her curtains or, perhaps, not staring at her neighbour masturbating in his own goddamn apartment.

Roll the credits. Just another day on the job.

Here's a completely unrelated picture man just sitting there, reading totally non-pornographic material

Unrelated picture of a man just sitting there, reading totally non-pornographic material

This relatively tranquil state of domestic affairs also redefines the concept of a “slow news day”. When every day is low on any substantial news, Danish newspapers struggle to fill their front pages with anything truly sensational. Oh, but they try.

This is why I hereby proudly announce a new and hopefully recurring blog feature: “Nest Digest”. In this feature I, in a totally biased and selective manner, pick out random headlines that have made the front pages of Danish newspapers. Then I “responsibly” and “impartially” do “my best” to “point out” why these stories have no place on the front page. I have no idea why “point out” was in quotes, because that part is completely accurate. Ah well, there’s nothing I can do to fix it now, is there?

These are the criteria for a story to make it to the already instantly famous “Nest Digest” column:

  • Be from a Danish newspaper typically from one of the free daily newspapers – MetroXpress and 24timer
  • Be on the front page of these newspapers
  • Be completely not news worthy (in my humble and objective opinion)

Today I’ll start you off easy with just two stories, both taken from the same front page of MetroXpress of Monday the 11th. For later editions I expect to amass a larger number of headlines.

MetroExpress Math Phobia

Translation: Phobia of mathematics is widespread

The article blurb goes on to explain that, according to “sources”, many Danes are suffering from this math-phobia and go as far as to call it an “ailment”.

You know, back in my day we also had people with a phobia of mathematics. We just called it “being shitty with numbers”. Look, there may indeed be a diagnosed condition called “mathematical anxiety“, but please stop implying that the whole of Denmark is currently cowering under their beds because their alarm clocks are displaying cryptic and scary symbols. Find yourself some real news, like lost chocolate candy or something.

MetroExpress Wolve Spotting

Translation: New wolf suspected seen in Denmark

Full blurb translation: “A female driver from mid-Jutland claims that a wolf ran in front of her car yesterday morning. Her son also saw it.”

Holy shit, really?! Why haven’t the authorities been alerted by now? Why are people allowed to leave their houses at all when there are feral wolves roaming around freely. Well, one wolf. Maybe.

I especially love the solemn addition of the last sentence – “You guys, really! We’re not just talking a single witness here. The son has corroborated her story. It’s all legit!”

So there you have it, world: while you’re busy with riots and criminals keep in mind that here in Denmark we’ve got wolves! Well, one wolf. Maybe.