Reverend Mother

“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part V)

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Welcome to the grand finale of the epic and endless saga that is “The Sound Of Music”. Make sure you’re up to date by reading the first four parts (Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV). Now that you’re done, let’s wrap this up!

The camera drops back down from the views of Austrian countryside to the plaza outside of the cathedral where Maria and the Captain just got married. Everything is exactly as we remember: the well known cathedral, the good old plaza, the huge Nazi flag with a swastika swinging down from a building. Wait, what? I don’t remember that flag being there just a second ago! What sort of witchcraft is this?! Oh, I see, this must be some weeks later. Smooth transition, movie, very smooth.

Through a crowd of marching soldiers a black convertible makes its way to an amphitheatre. Zeller and an unknown Nazi dude get out of the car and walk inside. In the amphitheatre are the Von Trapp children and Uncle Max. Zeller throws a Nazi salute and a “Heil Hitler” at Max and reminds him that he’s now the Gauleiter. Thanks again, movie, for walking us so gently through these transitions.

Also, Reverend Mother is now Batman

Zeller is here because of two things:
  1. He’s upset because the Captain’s house was the only one in the neighbourhood not flying the Nazi flag since the Anschluss. But not to worry, the Nazis have already “taken care” of the flag issue, he assures Max. If I were you I’d get that flag fetish looked at, Zeller. No grown man should be that much into flags.
  2. He wants to know when the Captain will return from his honeymoon. Remember how we saw Maria and Von Trapp leaving on their honeymoon just a while ago? Yeah, me neither.

Zeller assures Max that the festival is still happening tonight and that nothing in Austria has changed. He proves his point by saying “Heil Hitler” yet again, because in Austria it stands for “Nothing has changed”. Incidentally, “Heil Hitler” now constitutes every second sentence out of Zeller’s mouth. Apparently being a Nazi also provokes an onset of Tourette’s in some people.

Uncle Max and the kids briefly discuss the children’s upcoming performance at the festival as The Von Trapp Family Singers. Seems Max has gotten his way. Rolfe approaches, wearing a brown Nazi uniform. He hands a telegram to Liesl to pass onto the Captain as soon as he returns. Rolfe is cold and formal. Liesl suggests he comes by to “deliver the telegram” himself tonight, which is code for “meet me at the gazebo to sing, dance and…that’s about it”. Rolfe tells her he has more important things to do and walks off without looking back.

“More important things” include wearing ugly black caps and being a dick

So, here’s what we’ve learned about the recent developments during these past few minutes:
  1. Nazis have taken over Austria
  2. The Captain and Maria are busy having sex at some undisclosed honeymoon location
  3. Zeller is running the Nazi show in Austria and is still obsessed with flags
  4. Rolfe is still a virgin, but now also a douchebag

Next scene. The Captain walks up to his front door where a Nazi flag now hangs. He yanks the flag down and rips it in half. Now that’s just a waste of good fabric. Do you know how many dresses Maria could’ve made from that?

The children arrive and everybody spends the next few minutes telling everyone else exactly how much they missed them and why. Then the kids drop a bomb by announcing that they will sing at the festival. The Captain sends them off to the terrace so that they don’t have to witness the ass kicking he’s about to give Max. In the middle of the ass kicking that spans across topics like the Von Trapp kids singing in public and the Anschluss Liesl walks in to hand Rolfe’s telegram to the Captain. Von Trapp walks off to read it.

Maria and Liesl have a heart-to-heart in the drawing room. Liesl wants to know what to do when you stop loving someone or he stops loving you, referring to Rolfe. Maria’s insight on the topic is “you cry a little and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.”. Yes, Maria, it’s common knowledge that every 24 hours we can witness sunrise. What the fuck does it have to do with heartbreak?!

“And if you ever fall down the stairs, you just add two and two together. It will always add up to exactly four!”

Maria and Liesl sing together. The song probably has something to do with the sun, but I’ve stopped listening to Maria’s songs after I’ve realised she’s insane.

Their bonding is interrupted by the grave-looking Captain. Apparently the telegram was an “offer” from Berlin for him to accept a commission in the navy and to report to a naval base tomorrow. He cannot accept this commission, because he hates the Nazis. However, rejecting this “offer” would be suicidal. Thus, the only thing to do is for the whole Von Trapp family to leave Austria. Tonight.

Speaking of tonight – next scene. The whole Von Trapp family is pushing a car out of the manor, without turning the engine on. They want to leave without Franz and Frau Schmidt hearing, to give them plausible deniability in case they get questioned by the Nazis. As the car is leaving the main gate we see Franz looking down at the group with a shady expression. Oh, Franz, you traitor! I hope you didn’t tell anyone about this…(CONTINUE TO NEXT PAGE)

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“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part IV)

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Make sure you’re up to date with this musical journey by reading Part I, Part II and Part III before moving on. If you have, excellent! Also – wow, you’ve got some serious stamina. Back to the story…

Several days later we see Baroness Schraeder and the Von Trapp children outside on the veranda. They are playing a game that involves throwing a ball unenthusiastically to each other while shouting out numbers assigned to different people. It’s even less fun than it sounds. The only way the kids can keep themselves mildly amused is by throwing the ball either right past the Baroness (forcing her to go fetch it) or directly into her stomach. The subtle undertone of this scene is: “Baroness Schraeder sucks with children”.

“Think fast…too late!”

After the excruciating “game” is finally over the Baroness walks over to Max and immediately complains about how difficult kids are. We find out that her big plan in case of marriage to the Captain is to send the children off to a boarding school. Considering what we have just witnessed that would actually be the most humane thing she could ever do to them. The kids come over and Max decides to cheer them up by making them sing. He grabs his guitar and strums a few notes to get things started. The children begin singing as if it’s a punishment, which, for the audience, it is. Von Trapp himself comes out and watches as the kids completely lose their will to live and stop singing one by one.

Brigitta wants to know whether Maria is indeed not coming back. The Captain reminds them all that Maria missed the Abbey so much that she had to leave, at least if her note is to be believed. The note, of course, is not to be believed, but Von Trapp has emotional intelligence of amoeba, so he’s happy to leave it at that. The kids keep asking questions about Maria and they’re clearly disappointed that she left. The subtle undertone of this scene is: “The kids are clearly disappointed that Maria left”.

“Let me guess…you’re a bit upset?”

Just when the kids are on the verge of mass suicide the Captain, taking cue from Maria’s notoriously awful timing, announces that they’ll have a new mother – Baroness Schraeder. Interpreting their silent and murderous stares as signs of joy Von Trapp forces them all to give their future mother a kiss. Showing superhuman restraint the kids manage to pretend-kiss the Baroness, instead of for-real-strangle her. The Captain finally catches on that the kids aren’t thrilled about the development. He awkwardly sends them off to play.

In the next scene we see the kids arrive at the Abbey to look for Maria. They have a brief conversation with Sister Margaretta who basically tells them they’ve wasted their time. She says that Maria’s is in seclusion and isn’t seeing anyone. That’s two ways of saying the same thing, Sister Redundancy. Against the children’s shouts of protest she tells them to leave and shuts the gate. Mother Abbess joins Sister Margaretta, who updates her on the kids’ visit. Mother Abbess decides that it’s time for Maria to break her seclusion at last.

Cut to Mother Abbess’ office, later that same day. Reverend Mother calls Maria into her office. Assuming the worst, as everyone always does with Maria, Mother Abbess immediately begins interrogating her as to why she’s been sent back to the Abbey. Maria shocks her by revealing that she’s left of her own accord. They slowly uncover the real reason why Maria left, namely her love for the Captain. Reverend Mother laughs and tells Maria that God believes she’s a moron. Well, not in those words. What she says is is that God would want Maria to explore this love for a man rather than shut herself inside the Abbey. Maria keeps insisting that she wants to stay in the Abbey for good. Mother Abbess has only one tool left in her arsenal to change Maria’s mind. Stop, singing time!

“Lemme break it down for ya, old school style!”

In the song Mother Abbess tells Maria: “Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ’till you find your dream”. Word. It’s nice you’re a whizz with metaphors and all that, but how about thinking for a second? You’re singing to a person who makes clothing out of curtains and thinks mittens are the best thing in life. What if she takes that shit literally? While climbing every mountain and fording every stream is at least theoretically achievable, attempting to chase every rainbow would make Maria finally lose what’s left of her sanity. This is criminally irresponsible advice to give to someone whose mind is one nervous breakdown away from total collapse. God gave you a second freaking chance to keep Maria safe in the Abbey and yet again you send her away. I’m starting to think you get off on this, Reverend Mother.

Later that day the Captain is on the veranda, interrogating the kids as to where they’ve been. They say they went to pick blueberries. He shrewdly points out that it’s too early for blueberries. The children make a retarded attempt to save this by saying they’ve been picking strawberries, but since it was cold they’ve turned blue. Somehow seeing through this clever web of lies the Captain presses on and wants to see the strawberries. The kids claim they ate them. Von Trapp shuts his masterful trap by stating that since the kids have eaten so many berries they’re not going to be served dinner. Check and mate, suckers. (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)

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