Man holding fork, picking up a slice of chicken

7 honest reviews of food I found in my fridge

My wife and son went on vacation last Friday. I was left to my own devices (laptop, smartphone).

You probably think I spent my alone time having a series of mini-comas to catch up on all the sleep I’d lost during the last year of parenting. That’s because you haven’t met my brain.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Daniel’s brain. I like to keep Daniel awake with inconsequential crap like whether he remembered to cross out an item on his to-do list or whether he should consider starting a to-do list to keep track of crossed-out items on his other to-do lists. I am the worst.”

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5 critical reviews of Etsy products

I’ve been accused of picking on Etsy before. People have even called me obsessed. I wouldn’t be the last to admit that these people aren’t never not incorrect in saying that. Today, I want to make up for my lack of objectivity. It’s easy to make fun of horrifying dolls, but it’s another thing entirely to offer a balanced review.

That’s why, this morning, I ordered a number of Etsy items—some for me, some for our cats, and a something for my wife. They immediately shipped the items to me via experimental Amazon drones. Below you find my no-nonsense reviews of these products, focusing on both the pros and the cons.

Let it never again be said that I’m not thorough or objective:

5. Cat goggles (and jumper)

Cat Goggles

Pros: Jumper exceedingly soft. Rubbed it all over my face. So smooth. Silky. Like a snowflake baked inside the dream of an angel. Wore it. Comfortable. Too bad it’s for cats.

Cons: Nearly impossible to put on a cat. Lots of scratches on hands, arms, and face. Cats refuse to wear goggles for prolonged periods of time. Or at all. Eventually managed to attach the goggles semi-permanently to Django, using a clever combination of duct tape and disregard for own life.

4. Cat resting place

Le Chat

Pros: Nice resting place for cats. Looks a lot like a regular human pillow.

Cons: Words “The Cat” horribly misspelled.

3. Metal tag for labeling severed fingers

Finger Ring

Pros: Convenient, almost-invisible tag, making the labeling and sorting of your severed human fingers collection a breeze.

Cons: IMPORTANT: Severed human fingers are not included! Audaciously misleading advertising.

2. Severed fingers

Severed Fingers

Pros: More than makes up for lack of severed fingers above. Fits nicely into my already extensive collection.

Cons: Names, dates of birth, or other victim data not provided. Suspect the fingers may actually be fake.

1. “What’s For Dinner?” planner

Whats for dinner sign

Pros: Great joke fodder. Gave it to the wife. Said: “Now you can focus on making the dinner, instead of planning for it.” Then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Cons: Extremely difficult to find a cheap and reliable divorce lawyer in my area.