ridiculous

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines

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Welcome back to yet another instalment of the “spam lines” series. The two first entries are found here and here.

In collecting these spam sentences I’ve learned an important lesson about spammers: they never run out of creativity. So many different spam messages out there. The scary implication of this is that somewhere there’s a person who is coming up with all this stuff. A full time spam copywriter, if you will.

I wonder how a job interview for such a position goes?

“OK, you seem to have a decent command of English. You also display a complete lack of morals and respect for fellow human beings. Sounds like you’re our guy! But I have to ask you this: how are you with tacky penis related puns?”

“Let me just say I can’t wait to become a member of your organisation.”

“You’re hired!”

“Thanks! I’m like Charles Dickens of spam writing.”

“Yes, ahem, you may stop now.”

“Wow, check out this huge package!” “OK, seriously, please stop!”

Quick recap for newcomers – all of the below are one-sentence lines from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox. They are not altered in any way, as unbelievable as that may be. Let’s go:

10. See Batdude and Throbin get it on as they fight crime and sex together

Thanks, but I think I prefer the more subtle sexual tension between original Batman and Robin.

9. Boobs as big as balloons

From puns to alliteration – you’re making progress! Metaphors for sex are next on the list, I assume?

8. European Union makes decision to import herbal supplements

EU sanctioned enlargement pills? Well, as long as it helps strengthen the euro I’m all for it! And no, “strengthen the euro” is not a euphemism, but you’re welcome to use it in your next email.

7. Progress from love guru to sex magnet

Thanks for acknowledging my already impressive “love guru” status. I’m flattered! Carry on:

6. You know you are a great lover and your girl craves for you every night without fail

Stop it, you’re making me blush! Also, for how long have you been corresponding with my girlfriend?

5. Larger is stronger is better

McDonald’s Quadruple Big Mac – available now!

4. Impress all in the locker room

Haven’t we already been through this in my first post, Little John? Stop projecting your insecurities onto others.

3. Forget the old memories where you pals laughed at you in the locker room, grow larger today

Oh, Little John…you poor bastard…

2. Hear ladies scream in bed

I’m not a big fan of horror movies and this one sounds pretty generic to me so far.

1. Stop wasting time flirting with the ladies, all you need is a huge pecker

I must admit that woodpeckers have their sexy side, but I think I’ll stick to the ladies for now, if you don’t mind.

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19/07/2012: Why yes, of course there’s Part Four, right here.

I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

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So remember how I totally predicted that I’d soon have more material for this post? And then it totally came true? Well it totally did! I’m in the league with Nostradamus himself.

If you haven’t read the previous post, I suggest you do it now by following that link above. If you haven’t read the post and refuse to follow the link because you’re incredibly lazy, here’s the summary:

I get one-line spam messages about penis enlargement. These messages are crazy and are written by people picking random words out of a dictionary. I laugh at these messages. Then I write about them. This is the second instalment.

Without further ado, here are a few more one-line gems:

10. Achieve maximum sexual nirvana

I’m sorry, your entry into the Most Roundabout Way to Describe Orgasm contest has been sent to the wrong email.

9. Growing up has never been an issue, all you need is our secret formula

I’m pretty sure that nature has nailed out the “secret formula” for growing up a couple of billion years before you.

8. Scare people with your tool today

Swinging a huge penis at people until they run away in fear – easily the number one activity on any man’s bucket list!

7. The answer to every man’s woes has now arrived

Awesome! So when exactly do I get delivery of my robotic dog pal who can play PS3, feed me and cure cancer? Hey, I have very specific “woes”, OK?

6. Sexy girls will look at you differently

Is “differently” good or bad? Will they now squint while looking my way? What happens to those girls who aren’t “sexy”? This is all vital information that you’re not giving me!

5. Kate Hudson got a shock of her life when she woke up to the longest stud in her neighbourhood

BBC Breaking News: “Waldo arrested for night-time breaking and entering”

Dude, you’re difficult to spot, not invisible, remember?!

4. These organic pills are truly amazing, 2 inches longer for ALL

For ALL?! I’m not sure how I feel about having 2-inch nasal hair, but thanks for the offer.

3. The size of a Man’s member is a sensitive issue – we understand your need for privacy

A spam email about understanding privacy. Thanks guys, I’ll hold on to this in case I ever need to explain the concept of “irony” to someone.

2. Kill off the competition with our organic pills

Damnit, Jim! I told you to only use my secure phone line when scheduling new shipments of pois…ahem…”organic pills”.

1. You will no longer need to buy her flowers

“Honey, we need to talk! OK, so I’ve pawned all the gifts I ever gave you and told your mother to never visit again. I sold your shoes to get a new vacuum cleaner for you to use…but before you get upset – have you seen how big my dick is?!”

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Part three is here.