“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part V)

Welcome to the grand finale of the epic and endless saga that is “The Sound Of Music”. Make sure you’re up to date by reading the first four parts (Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV). Now that you’re done, let’s wrap this up!

The camera drops back down from the views of Austrian countryside to the plaza outside of the cathedral where Maria and the Captain just got married. Everything is exactly as we remember: the well known cathedral, the good old plaza, the huge Nazi flag with a swastika swinging down from a building. Wait, what? I don’t remember that flag being there just a second ago! What sort of witchcraft is this?! Oh, I see, this must be some weeks later. Smooth transition, movie, very smooth.

Through a crowd of marching soldiers a black convertible makes its way to an amphitheatre. Zeller and an unknown Nazi dude get out of the car and walk inside. In the amphitheatre are the Von Trapp children and Uncle Max. Zeller throws a Nazi salute and a “Heil Hitler” at Max and reminds him that he’s now the Gauleiter. Thanks again, movie, for walking us so gently through these transitions.

Also, Reverend Mother is now Batman

Zeller is here because of two things:
  1. He’s upset because the Captain’s house was the only one in the neighbourhood not flying the Nazi flag since the Anschluss. But not to worry, the Nazis have already “taken care” of the flag issue, he assures Max. If I were you I’d get that flag fetish looked at, Zeller. No grown man should be that much into flags.
  2. He wants to know when the Captain will return from his honeymoon. Remember how we saw Maria and Von Trapp leaving on their honeymoon just a while ago? Yeah, me neither.

Zeller assures Max that the festival is still happening tonight and that nothing in Austria has changed. He proves his point by saying “Heil Hitler” yet again, because in Austria it stands for “Nothing has changed”. Incidentally, “Heil Hitler” now constitutes every second sentence out of Zeller’s mouth. Apparently being a Nazi also provokes an onset of Tourette’s in some people.

Uncle Max and the kids briefly discuss the children’s upcoming performance at the festival as The Von Trapp Family Singers. Seems Max has gotten his way. Rolfe approaches, wearing a brown Nazi uniform. He hands a telegram to Liesl to pass onto the Captain as soon as he returns. Rolfe is cold and formal. Liesl suggests he comes by to “deliver the telegram” himself tonight, which is code for “meet me at the gazebo to sing, dance and…that’s about it”. Rolfe tells her he has more important things to do and walks off without looking back.

“More important things” include wearing ugly black caps and being a dick

So, here’s what we’ve learned about the recent developments during these past few minutes:
  1. Nazis have taken over Austria
  2. The Captain and Maria are busy having sex at some undisclosed honeymoon location
  3. Zeller is running the Nazi show in Austria and is still obsessed with flags
  4. Rolfe is still a virgin, but now also a douchebag

Next scene. The Captain walks up to his front door where a Nazi flag now hangs. He yanks the flag down and rips it in half. Now that’s just a waste of good fabric. Do you know how many dresses Maria could’ve made from that?

The children arrive and everybody spends the next few minutes telling everyone else exactly how much they missed them and why. Then the kids drop a bomb by announcing that they will sing at the festival. The Captain sends them off to the terrace so that they don’t have to witness the ass kicking he’s about to give Max. In the middle of the ass kicking that spans across topics like the Von Trapp kids singing in public and the Anschluss Liesl walks in to hand Rolfe’s telegram to the Captain. Von Trapp walks off to read it.

Maria and Liesl have a heart-to-heart in the drawing room. Liesl wants to know what to do when you stop loving someone or he stops loving you, referring to Rolfe. Maria’s insight on the topic is “you cry a little and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.”. Yes, Maria, it’s common knowledge that every 24 hours we can witness sunrise. What the fuck does it have to do with heartbreak?!

“And if you ever fall down the stairs, you just add two and two together. It will always add up to exactly four!”

Maria and Liesl sing together. The song probably has something to do with the sun, but I’ve stopped listening to Maria’s songs after I’ve realised she’s insane.

Their bonding is interrupted by the grave-looking Captain. Apparently the telegram was an “offer” from Berlin for him to accept a commission in the navy and to report to a naval base tomorrow. He cannot accept this commission, because he hates the Nazis. However, rejecting this “offer” would be suicidal. Thus, the only thing to do is for the whole Von Trapp family to leave Austria. Tonight.

Speaking of tonight – next scene. The whole Von Trapp family is pushing a car out of the manor, without turning the engine on. They want to leave without Franz and Frau Schmidt hearing, to give them plausible deniability in case they get questioned by the Nazis. As the car is leaving the main gate we see Franz looking down at the group with a shady expression. Oh, Franz, you traitor! I hope you didn’t tell anyone about this…(CONTINUE TO NEXT PAGE)

“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part II)

This is a continuation of my honourable efforts to bring you a faithful recap of the classic musical “The Sound Of Music”. If you haven’t read the beginning of this wonderful adventure into the world of sporadic singing and adults acting like five year olds, here’s the first part. And now, onwards!

Outside of the villa a young guy by the name of Rolfe delivers a seemingly urgent telegram for the Captain to the butler (Franz). They exchange some shady looks and talk cryptically about “developments”. They know something we don’t…what is it? Oh, the suspense! Inside Franz delivers the telegram to Von Trapp who then announces to the kids that he’s leaving to Vienna ASAP tomorrow. He’s going to see some Baroness Schraeder there and the kids are as happy about this development as they are about their daily marching exercises. It seems the Captain has been visiting this Baroness in Vienna plenty of times before. Love (or a sham marriage) is in the air?

The Captain further announces that this time he’s bringing the Baroness back with him to meet the children, which is probably a badly concealed threat of sorts. The upside seems to be that a fellow known only as Uncle Max will be joining. Judging from the kids’ reactions this “Max” character must be a clown-magician-superhero wrapped in candy floss, as they can hardly contain their excitement at the news. We see Liesl (the oldest daughter whose name rhymes with “weasel”) quietly sneak outside during this dinner conversation. There are enough dodgy things happening in these past few minutes of the movie to spawn at least a dozen conspiracy theories.

Everyone knows that Americans never landed a man on the moon…it was a cybernetically-enhanced alien clone!

Next we’re treated to an outside scene again, where Liesl finds Rolfe waiting with his bicycle by a gazebo. They embrace passionately, but Rolfe thinks that’s too much and insist that they shouldn’t. That’s right Rolfe, you wouldn’t want to get her pregnant with those hugs! Rolfe tells Liesl he missed her so much that he considered sending her a telegram just so that he could deliver it. Stupid move, because Liesl now wants him to “send her a telegram” right away while they’re there. And no, it’s not a bad euphemism for sex. Liesl literally wants him to pretend he’d just sent her a telegram and read it out loud to her. Rolfe, obviously, tells her she’s being insane since they can instead have one of those “conversation” things, like normal people. Except no, Rolfe doesn’t say that at all and proceeds to read out this imaginary telegram to Liesl.

After having fun reading telegrams to each other Rolfe mentions to Liesl that her father should be careful. The Captain is apparently too “Austrian” for his own good and since many people believe Austrians should be Germans instead, he may get into trouble. Aha, subtly handled reference to political climate of the late 1930s. Then Rolfe insist that he’s worried about Liesl, since she’s so young. Liesl fires back saying that she’s actually soon 17. Sounds like a serious discussion brewing up, which of course means it’s time for a song again.

The song ends up being about how Liesl is young and Rolfe is one year older so he should be taking care of her. The couple’s singing is accompanied by an elaborate dance around and inside of the gazebo. This has to be the most well choreographed courtship ritual ever documented. A few times the lovers get very close to kissing, but no, no they don’t. Then they almost do, but then they don’t. And finally, just when we’re about to scream “for God’s sake, send her a freaking telegram already!” Rolfe gives Liesl a…quick peck on the lips. Congratulations, viewer, you have now witnessed the most anti-climatic moment in movie history. Liesl, however, is overjoyed. Rolfe leaves. Who knows, maybe next time he’ll do something wild, like touching her hair.

That bear is getting more action than Liesl can ever dream of

Inside the manor Frau Schmidt brings Maria some material for her new clothes. Maria asks for more material so that she can make some “play clothes” for the children too, instead of the uniforms they currently wear. Frau Schmidt says that won’t happen since children are living by strict rules ever since their mother passed away. Then, on an entirely unrelated note Frau Schmidt tells Maria that there will be new drapes hung up at her window soon, in place of the old ones already there. Old drapes made of fabric, which are no longer needed. Fabric drapes. Fabric is good for making clothes. Remember, this is completely unrelated to the discussion they’ve just had about clothes-making. Spoiler: the two discussions are totally related!

As Frau Schmidt leaves the room she mentions that the Captain is very likely to marry Baroness Schraeder soonish. Maria interprets this as a sign that her mission from God in this house is to prepare kids for a new mother. Maria promptly begins to pray and asks God to bless everybody whose names she can recall. While she’s kneeling by her bed and praying Liesl climbs in through the window into Maria’s room. Liesl is soaking wet because a thunderstorm has started outside. During a brief exchange Liesl admits to Maria that she hasn’t been outside on her own. Maria suggest they wash Liesl’s dress so that there are no signs of her evening adventures the next day. Liesl appreciates the gesture and tells Maria she may need a governess after all (if only to cover her tracks every time she’s out dancing and getting imaginary telegrams from Rolfe).  Then Liesl goes into the bathroom to soak her dress. (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)