Nest Digest: “Stressing over dressing”

We’re back with another installment of Nest Digest.

Quick recap for those new to Nest Digest series:

Denmark is a quiet place, therefore a mouse finding a piece of cheese is usually considered news of national importance. During the many slow news days I collect front page articles from Denmark’s two free newspapers – MetroXpress and 24Timer. I then bring you this urgent news, because the world must know!

Today I only have one headline for you, but it’s a good one. This, my friends, was the main front page headline of today’s 24timer newspaper:

Dressing Can Make You Stressed

Translation: “Watch out: Dressing can make you stressed

You’re probably thinking: “OK, Daniel, this is actually pretty legitimate news. If scientists have just discovered an ingredient in our salad dressing that can decrease our body’s stress tolerance, then it’s pretty vital for us to know. We should be alerted of these kinds of shenanigans by dressing manufacturers!”

Oh, you poor misled soul. Not only do you use silly words like “shenanigans”, you also have missed the point of this story entirely. This isn’t about dressing physically making you ill. This is about health-conscious people stressing over their food choices after buying dressing.

No, really.

So say one day Søren Stressensen goes out to buy himself some nice vegetables to make a salad. He figures, “Hey, you know what’s good with salad? Salad dressing!” (Søren’s smart). So he picks up some salad dressing to go with those delicious tomatoes, spinach and marinated plums (Søren’s disgusting).

However, when he gets home, something happens to Søren. He can no longer sleep, he cannot eat, all he can do is agonize over buying that damn dressing. He should have known better. He knew dressing wasn’t good for him, but he bought it anyways. That night Søren is permanently confined to a mental institution, his last human words being: “Dressing kills! Free Tibet! Also, barbarabarlabaBRABA!”.

OK so I’m exaggerating a bit (Søren doesn’t actually know of Tibet). But the newspaper really wants us to believe it’s a major issue plaguing Denmark. They have dedicated two whole pages inside the newspaper to the issue of dressing stress, complete with consumer interviews, related stories and expert opinions.

I must admit that, on some level, I’m quite impressed by the Danish media’s ability to turn anything into a story. I think I’ll go pitch them an article about this sandwich I once ate…