Just like most of you, I regularly receive scam letters. Sometimes I manage to get a wacky correspondence going with the scammers and entertain you all in the process. More often, though, I reply back to scammers to never hear from them again. I’ll keep trying, because I am just the right combination of persistent, bored and emotionally immature.

Today I decided to flip the tables and attempt to design an effective scam letter of my own. I have borrowed what I consider to be the most successful common scam elements and attempted to blend them into the ultimate masterpiece of scam perfection. Or, failing that, into a more-or-less coherent text.

I hope the below first draft inspires you all to reach for the stars and other people’s hard-earned money. May you be successful and morally corrupt.

______________________________

To: Randomly obtained list of recipients

From: Dr. Abogo Alistar, Executive Christian of Money Corporation, Inc.

Subject: Hello Dearest Friend

Dear sir/madam/unisex android mark CP78,

I hope this letter finds you well, but, more importantly, I hope this letter finds you in the first place. Don’t you be playing hide-n-seek with the letter, you hear me?!

I’m sorry for snapping at you. You didn’t deserve it.

You see, my diabetic cancer AIDS makes me emotional and aggressive. I don’t like the person I have become. Thankfully, I only have 12 days, 6 hours and 17 minutes to live, so it will all be over soon.

I am unfathomably wealthy. If I told you how much money I had, your head would warp out of existence and straight into a parallel universe. Your brain isn’t capable of containing that many zeros simultaneously.

I turn to you with a favour. You see, even though I am rich, my entire family is desperately poor. Due to a made-up set of circumstances which I refuse to bore you with, I am unable to send money directly to my family. Since I am unaware of the existence of banks, despite using the term “banks” in a sentence, I need your help in transferring a sum of SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES AMERICAN DOLLARS (the green ones) to my family in Ghangladesh, which I assure you is a place that exists.

In return, I shall send you a big virtual hug and a smiley face of your own choosing. Should that not be sufficient, I’ll also send 10% of the above sum to your bank account, using my suddenly discovered knowledge of how banks operate.

All you need to do is simply respond to this email with “Free money? Hell Yeah” in the subject line and fill out the information below:

NAME:
BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER:
BLOOD TYPE:
CURRENT STATE OF INTERNAL ORGANS (please indicate number of kidneys available for transplant):
FAVOURITE COLOUR:
CAPITAL OF AUSTRALIA:

Please attach a picture of you dancing Salsa with a headless chicken and/or mannequin.

Should you refuse to accept my money, I kindly ask you to share this letter with up to 7 of your closest friends. For each friend you share this with you will multiply your chances of meeting a wish-granting magical Elf by 16.

Your new penpal,
Dr. Abogo Alistar

What do you think? Did I strike the right emotional chords with the letter? Do you suggest some improvements? Even better, can you write a great scam letter of your own?