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Shattered Red Heart Shadow

Lyuba: last chapter

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This will be the last post about Lyuba. Like most trilogies, this saga will end with chapter three.

This sad story started about a month ago, then went through a rough period when Lyuba stopped writing back.

Lyuba wrote again last week, but her return was bitter-sweet. You see, I have realised something. Lyuba is not who she says she is.

Yes, as much as it hurts me to admit, Lyuba is insane. Here are some signs:

  • She is unable to read, even though she writes. Clearly, Lyuba was unable to retain any new information about me or answer any of my questions.
  • She started to respond to two separate email threads from me, but with the same message. She seems to believe I’m two different people.
  • She sees robots, everywhere. You’ll understand soon enough.

Finally, in her last email she requested money from me. Who would have seen this coming? Not I, certainly. She is claiming she needs money for the trip to “my country”, but I know the painful truth: Lyuba is behind on her asylum bills. I don’t believe in therapy and therefore decided to cut off all ties and stop writing to Lyuba. It hurts, but tough love is better than no love.

What follows is our last bit of correspondence.  While Lyuba’s emails are inane ramblings of a dangerous lunatic, I am including them. You may wish to skim through, they’re only there for the record. I hope you, too, agree that Lyuba cannot be helped.

_____________________________________________

Lyuba, 13-09-2013

Hello my dear, ahhhh, I still came home from work, hot outside.

Friday is over, so tomorrow the weekend. Today, it was a sunny morning, so very hot. By the calendar mid-September, beginning of a beautiful autumn, and then it will be hot for long.

We now the sun shines brightly and the beautiful weather. At night about +20 +22 degrees Celsius. Now I’m home and happy to read your kind letter! Thank you, you warms me! How is the weather at you?

Today, my mother cooked borsh, have you ever tried Russian borsh???:) This is a delicious soup, and may be in the future I will be able feed you this dish. It would be great to do it.

So my mother a good cook, since my childhood I have always been involved in cooking in the kitchen. It is not even a hobby. I also collect recipes. I love to experiment and invent itself their specialties! While were still satisfied with my food, and no more who is not poisoned.

Sometimes my mom arranged culinary fights. All day we had prepared a variety of delicious dishes, and then in the evening we came to visit, and after dinner, we were interested in what dish tastier. Previously won my mother, but now we are ready to the same level. I’ll be glad to know what is your favorite dish?

Today, talking to my parents about a future trip. They are very worried about me because I’m the only daughter, and when I go to you, the parents were alone will greatly miss me.

But so they are very happy that I met you. Mom knows you’re older me, and it is positive to treat this. My dad just over my mom for 14 years, even with such a difference, our family is very happy and safe!

It is very interesting to communicate with you. So I always wanted to meet the man of my age. And you know I even very nice, I feel the power in you. You are more experienced in life, relationship with a woman. Do you know how to make a woman happy. Write me what you think in this case? What is for you the most important thing in life?

My heart does not give me peace of mind, I’m worried! With each passing day, our meeting gets closer. As you already know, I organize my travel.

September 18 I am going to Moscow for an interview and a visa. So I need to know exactly in which airport I fly? Can you meet me at the airport? I think after obtaining a visa, we will organize a trip at the end of September or beginning of October.

But I want to come to you for the first time at 15-16 days for a short vacation, so we take a closer look, we learned about our desires and dreams.

I hope we we will build a strong relationship. Then I will have to go to Russia, because my vacation is over. You’re probably worried and worried before our meeting. But I’m not going to think about the future, time will tell…

Hopefully, when I arrive to you, you introduced me to his relatives, introduce me to your friends and loved ones! I will be interested in learning more about your family! I will end this letter and attached to some photo of me and my city.

I wish you all the best for today, let your day will be a success, hard kiss and hug you! I hope you could feel my sweet kiss on his lips!

Your Lyuba

P.S. I hope you had a wonderful day

 

Lyuba, 16-09-2013

Good evening my sweet kitten! May I call you a kitten? I am very glad that you’re back with me, it’s like you’re somewhere close!

I already feel that it will happen soon. Today was a very intense day.

I finished all the works on the job and is now officially a thing of the holiday. Tomorrow is Tuesday, but I will need to come in the morning to work at 30 minutes, give another recent documents manager and I am free! How was your day?

So I was at my aunt Valya. She prepared a very special delicious dessert, it was a cake with apples, covered with cream. You just no idea what a delicious cake is ready, my aunt, from can not refuse. Mmmmm … it’s wonderful

And, yet, we talked a lot about life, about love. I told my aunt that im do not like other men, in you there is something special that I was very attracts. By the way my aunt gave me a gift that I must necessarily give you from my aunt. It will be a surprise for you, but this has remain a mystery.

Today I collected some things for my trip. And I’m very excited and a little bit with fear waiting for this beautiful moment of our meeting! No, do not worry, it’s not terrible it is the fear of pleasure, fear of something unknown. Mom tried to teach me as a young child, which is sent far away. And in fact it is. Just my mother is very worried and is going through, because she can not see me long time.

And very excited and a little with the fear of waiting beautiful moment. Already looking forward to it when I see you. You do not have to worry, I will not do for the additional difficulties and We can meet with free time for you. You will be my guide. Agreed? 🙂

I have a suggestion! I wish I could talk to you on phone. And really want to hear your voice. What do you think about this? Please write me your phone number and country code, and what time is best to call you.

Today to call the embassy to clarify the interview. Namely, in the Thursday, September 19 at 10:00 am I will have an interview at Embassy. So after tomorrow night, I’ll go to Moscow. Distance from Saratov to Moscow almost 900km, so I’ll be up all night in way. And arrive in Moscow on Thursday morning. And if I have successful interview, I can travel to you. Now I would like to have wings and fly to you. You have not noticed?

I’m getting close my fluffy kitten. I sit next to you, and Look carefully. I try to make out the features of your caro, and watching as you read this letter.

And watch as your face, it expression changes on the process of reading these words.

It would be nice suggest that these words touch your heart, and if so, do you feel?

Allow me to make my words soft touch you, and not just my words, but also my feelings that are born to you, gently and tenderly embrace you. You feel them warm?

I hope these words to warm you, and bring a smile to your face. Allow to that feeling has never left you!

Now I will go for a walk with the dog. After the walk, I want to take a glass “MM’s”. You love MM’s? Black or yellow? Mm’s is my favorite treat.

And watch a movie with my parents. Write to me, as you will have the opportunity to look will be waiting for your answer! I wish a pleasant evening …

Your Lyuba


Daniel, 17-09-2013

Hello, my marshmallow-faced burglar-baby!

Aaaahhhhhh!

Ouch!

I sprained my finger typing that. Sorry.

Tuesday is over, so tomorrow not Tuesday.

Borsh? You crazy, Lyuba. That’s not even a word. Why are you making up words, Lyuba?

I am happy that everyone who wasn’t poisoned by your food is satisfied with it. If you poison the rest, you’ll have the perfect score. Wink wink.

I also sometimes have culinary fights, but they usually end up with me scraping take-out Chinese off the walls.

Please, Lyuba, send me a picture of your dog. I will frame it and wear it on my neck at all times, so that his spirit can protect me. I, of course, assume that he’s a Russian Borzoi. I hear that’s the only dog they have in Russia. It is true, yes?

Lyuba, you ask such silly questions. Please, just fly to the central airport of my country, where all the planes land. It is very simple.

Your aunt made dessert? Sounds like your family is all about making and eating food. What a coincidence! That’s, like, literally how the rest of the world is too.

Lyuba, I hear only one in ten people who visit the Embassy in Moscow ever come back. I hear the rest are sent to work in the mines, or even worse, in McDonald’s. Please be careful, Lyuba. But, if you do end up working in McDonald’s, I am partial to their milkshakes. Wink Wink. Ha, I do this a lot, yes?

When you said that you sit close to me and look, I turned around and nobody was there. Why the lies? Although I did feel kind of warm and fuzzy. Those electrical heaters malfunction in the most unpredictable ways.

I am afraid we cannot talk on the phone. I am under surveillance by the FBI, CIA, YMCA and The Bee Gees. I would rather not get into details here, but I will make sure to tell you all about it when we meet in my country.

Yes, I also enjoy a good glass of M&Ms in the evening. Who wouldn’t want to eat M&Ms out of a glass?! Crazy people, that’s who!

Lyuba, time draws near, adventures await, plot thickens, clouds gather, music crescendoes. Do not hesitate. Do not stop. Run. Run, Lyuba, run. You are almost there! He’s getting close now. Faster. NOOOOOOOOOO!

White stripes, Daniel

PS: Bring Skittles.

 

Lyuba, 20-09-2013

Good morning, my dear kitten!

Why are you silent? I’m excited! I came home from Moscow. So it will be easier to plan for the future. On Thursday I had an interview and I successfully passed it. I execute all documents and put a visa. Now I can go to you!

Today I will be going to travel agency and will be booking travel. And I think in the end of August we will have a meeting.

I was very lonely in Moscow, but I also watched a lot of beautiful places! When I was in Moscow, the time it seemed like an eternity.

Around were some robots. 15 million robots. You know what I noticed? They constantly somewhere late.

While I was in Moscow, I visited many beautiful places. I watched Gorky Park, visited two of the museum. Was in the Tretyakov Gallery.

So he traveled to many interesting places. I have so far is a holiday, and we now hope to plan a meeting.

Tell me please, how you doing? I hope you are well? What are you doing today? What are your plans for tonight?

Your phone I do not have. And therefore I can not call.

And if you have the opportunity, please call me. And I can answer you!

I really want to hear your voice!

Write me please.

Have a good day and I embrace.

Your Lyuba

 

Daniel, 21-09-2013

Lyuba,

This has gone too far. I refuse to mislead you any longer. You deserve to know the truth.

You may want to sit down for this. Alternatively, you might want to jump up, jump up, and get down. Understand?

Lyuba, I am a robotic assassin, sent back from the future. My mission here is to find and kill Sarah Connor.

However, now that you came along I am experiencing what is colloquially known as a “Z2 Type-C Protoplasmic Malfunction of Code Red Severity”. You have short circuited something in my circuits and now I no longer wish to kill anyone. I want to fly uninhibited through the clouds like a butterfly or a black plastic bag carried by a gust of wind.

Something you said, however, troubled me. You said you saw 15 million robots in the metropolis you humans call “Moscow”. This is a clear sign of an escalation. An invasion is coming, Lyuba, and you have been chosen. You can pick your new name – Neo or John Connor? Act fast, for we don’t have much time.

As a token of trust, I am now finally ready to reveal a photo of me that you have been asking for. I have added a few fake features to protect my identity, but this is the best I can do under the circumstances:

Robot With Mustache

I hope you like what you see. I’m not what you’d call “athletic”, but I do have all of my appendages in anatomically accurate locations.

Also, here is my phone number. It is scrambled using the Alpha Crux Matrix protocol, so you’ll need to use its reverse polarization to decode it. Here:

AABJ1 – 009ML – ET – 2

I am hoping to hear from you very soon, Lyuba. Hurry. Winter is coming!

Till death do us part. Your death, that is. I am physically incapable of dying.

Yours electronically,
T1732

 

Lyuba, 24-09-2013

My kitten, I do not know how to begin to write you a letter.

Therefore I do not know what to do! Since I could not find a solution problems. I try to use all the features. I speak today morning with their parents. They do everything they can to help with my travel. They are looking for money for my trip.

They do all opportunity for me. But I understand that they can not collect on all money for me. And just because of that, because of a desperate situation. I ask your help!

My kitten, excuse me please, I am creating you problems. But i need your help only a little while. I will organize a trip for 4 october. It’s Friday.

And I will come to you in 14 days. The cost of the trip in 1470 euros I paid 1100 euros, and I need another 370 euros to pay for your entire tour price. I need your help.

Today I was trying to find the money. But all my efforts were not effective. I asked for help from relatives and parents. But they said they could not help me.

Before traveling to Moscow they has helped me. But it was not enough. I’m sorry that because of a problems, I have to tell you about it. To fly to thee, i need 370euro, but what I do now?!

I am sending you a copy of my documents, because I understand that this is a large sum of money. Please tell me please, what do you do in this situation.

But I hope that the plans for our meeting have not changed. And I just want one that you was next to me, and to look into your eyes. And if we overcome obstacle, we will meet.

I hope that very soon we’ll be together.

Please write to me as soon as possible. I’ll be waiting!

Your kitty, Lyuba

Broken Heart Red

Lyuba left me…I think

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I knew it was too good to be true.

It’s been only a few days since I last told you of Lyuba, my email love. This wonderful she-man from Saratov-Stavropol came into my life via email and immediately stole my heart, my sleep, and my ability to construct sentences. Now it appears that (s)he left me just as unexpectedly.

I don’t know what made Lyuba lose interest. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to his or her needs. Maybe I acted too desperately.

I will never know, but I will cherish the memory of the fun times we have shared. Below you find our last exchange. Perhaps you can help shed light on what went wrong.

In the meantime, I will hold on to a glimmer of hope that Lyuba will still return.

_____________________________________________

Daniel, 08-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

You do not reply anymore! I am going crazy like Lady Gaga on a trampoline. Please, do not play with my toys. No, wait. I meant: do not toy with my heart.

Hope you write back, Lyuba.

Simply red,
Daniel


Lyuba, 09-09-2013

Hello my sun, I hope you have come home, and you have a pleasant stay in the evening?

If you want, I’ll make you a cup of tasty hot tea? Do you drink tea without sugar or maybe a slice of lemon? Please, smile, kiss.

I nice to hear from you again answer. Thank you very much for your kind words and care. All day I would like to come home and see your letter. Today I have had a longest day, you had to take reports over the past month to do the work and finish some business with customers.

Tomorrow also be a difficult day. I need to complete all my projects, and pass all my work in the hands of another manager. And then I can go on vacation with peace of mind. I plan to organize a guided tour.

In the near future we will be able to meet face to face, and will be closer acquaintance, and develop our relationship! Your country for me is something very new, I had never been abroad. I also have no public friends there, so I would very much like you to be my friend, and may be more than that!

For me the most important thing in our relationship is, above all, mutual understanding, caring, trust, and pure feelings. I think it is most important that there should be between a man and woman. I’m ready to give everything for a man whom I love. I value more than anything else. Give all my love and affection, completely giving of themselves to our relations.

However, I would like to feel much male support and attention to me. The most important thing for women to love and be loved. Only in such a relationship is born robust, reliable family. I am ready to do anything to create a family, where everyone will feel happy and welcome!

For my ideal future husband, is a reliable, good, fair, moderately modest man with a great life potential, in which there is a feature, and of course sexuality and romance!

And what your thoughts?

I think that’s where I finish my letter, and I will gather go to bed. I’m not too tired you with your answer? Tomorrow I need to get up to early to go to work, and to complete all of my affairs.

I hope you liked my tea, and you will be happy to read the letter from me, and with a smile on his face continued this evening!

I wish you good mood and success!
All the best, Lyuba


Daniel, 09-09-2013

Hello my intergalactic gravity-defying phenomenon!

Lyuba, what do you do to me? You must know I am allergic to lemon! Your tea has made me very sick. I was rushed to the hospital at 2 hours past midnight with a bloated head and a pair of giant whiskers growing out of my ears. They had to move my right kidney to the left, and vice versa, in order to reverse the reaction and bring me back to normal. Throughout the whole procedure I was semi-conscious and screaming lyrics to “I Will Survive” in Swahili. It was terrible.

I am OK now, Lyuba, but you must promise me to never put lemon in my tea again. Can you do that for me?

I am sad to hear you have never visited a foreign land. That guy Stalin is a ruthless dictator and I hope that one day they bring down his horrific regime.

I have never visited a foreign land apart from my country either, but that is because I have a mild case of phallanxophobia, which is the fear of an ancient Greek army suddenly showing up and stabbing me with spears. To the best of my knowledge I am the only person with this disorder, but my doctor assures me I can be helped. Then again, he always assures me I can be helped: he lives in my head! Ha, ha, crazy person humour.

Listen, Lyuba, while I don’t wish to roundhouse kick a dead horse in the face, but I must repeat my question about your gender surgery. I feel you’re avoiding it on purpose, which, of course won’t fly. It won’t even crawl or boogie, if you catch my drift.

My ideal relationship will include love, passion, gummy bears and other nouns, quantifiable and otherwise. And another person who isn’t me. My ideal relationship would involve another person. Ideally.

Lyuba, I feel I should not trouble you any longer. You must promise me to never give up, always move forward, and sometimes thirty degrees to the right, but never, Lyuba, never should you turn left, for left is where evil lurks.

Until your next letter brings ten smiles (and hopefully no whiskers) to my face, I bid you goodbye.

Deep purple,
Daniel


Daniel, 11-09-2013

Lyuba!

I am puzzled! You always disappear like a tornado in a cup of noodles. Why do you play these games?

Please let me know that you are still OK and tell me more about your wacky shenanigans in the land of the Communist Party.

Green day,
Daniel

The last chapter of the correspondence is right here.

***

There Is MoreI am an expert on scammers and trolling thereof. Here:

My correspondence with a scammer

Mark Zuckerberg is giving me prizes!

How to write a scam letter

eMail Troll: “Dick’s Millions”

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On the same day that I published my correspondence with an eBay “healer” I have received a standard scam letter from a “banker” in Dubai. He offered me millions of dollars for pretending to be some dead dude’s next of kin. You know, the kind of stuff that happens to all of us on a daily basis.

I responded with my typical brand of nonsense and, surprisingly enough, the guy has exchanged a few emails with me. He did cut communication a bit too early for my liking, but for what it’s worth, below you find the exchange in its original form. I have taken the liberty of cutting off some of Mr. Zaheya’s emails, because they were a bit too official and long winded.

You are also welcome to just skip/skim through most of his emails because they’re standard scam gibberish. I’ve used green in the sections of Zaheya’s emails that help you understand my responses, the rest can be safely skipped. Enjoy:

(side note: what is it with scammers and the use of the term “modality”? I haven’t heard that term used for over a year, except for my last two exchanges with scammers.)

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar.
Manager Emirates NBD {national bank of Dubai} Khalediya
Branch. Moon tower, Zayed 1st street, Khalediya.
United Arab Emirate (U.A.E.)

I am pleased to get across to you for a very confidential and profitable business proposal. I got your contact while searching for a reliable person who would assist me to execute this life time business opportunity in my department. I deemed it fit to contact you to seek your assistance in this profitable project which requires trust and confidentiality.

An American/ Iraqi Foreign Oil Consultant /Contractor with the Chevron Petroleum Corporation Company , made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, Valued at US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million Dollars) in my branch upon maturity. I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chevron Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Richard Burson died with his wife Mrs. Lenor Burson in a plane crash on October 31, 1999, (an Egyptian Boeing 767 Flight 990) with other passengers on board. Find the website before for your perusal. [website links deleted]

The most astonishing of my discovery was that, all records bear no next of kin, meaning no member of Late Mr. Richard Burson family knows about the deposit, therefore no member of his family will ever come forward to claim the fund. to avoid the bank to transfer the stipulate fund in a dormant as unclaimed funds to the emirates treasury account, the above stated funds must be claimed immediately by somebody who would stand as the Next of Kin of the late Mr. Richard Burson as the beneficiary, because according to the financial laws of United Arab Emirates, at the expiration of {13 years} this money will be reverted to the ownership of the Government treasury account if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Furthermore, this revelation is only known to me because I was his personal account officer in our bank before I was transferred to this present office. Hence I seek your collaboration to act as next of kin/beneficiary to late Mr. Richard Burson to claim the funds and move them into useful investments, we shall split the cash between our selves upon the confirmation of the money into your deem fit bank account. I am ready to offer you 40% of the total fund and 60% for me.

Please note that by the virtue of my position in the bank, Ive worked out the perfect modality on how to claim the fund and I shall provide the relevant information and documents for the successful claim and transfer of the funds in the account that would be provided by you, I can not stand at the forefront of this transaction because I work with the bank, that is why I have come to you for assistance, be rest assured that this project involves 100% risk free. Upon the receipt of your acceptance mail, I shall then provide you with more details that will help you understand this transaction. I will like you to provide immediately your private phone number and fax numbers for easy communication.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my confidential email address:
[email address]

Regards,
Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
Emirates NBD
National bank of Dubai Khalediya branch.

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

Most dearest Mr. E Attar, Zaheya,

I am deeply sorry to hear about Mr. Richard Burson, and not only because Dick Burson is such an unfortunate name to have. His untimely demise was so badly timed! His death took me completely by surprise, especially seeing how I only had the chance to know him for the duration of a few sentences, before he was so cruelly taken from me.

Do you know any more details about his death? Did he die of the crash itself, or was he possessed by the spirits of Native Indians who carried his soul to safety prior to the impact, as is very often the case in these situations?

I generally find your below proposal acceptable, although I am most puzzled by the suggested split of 60/40. I think we can both agree that I would be taking a very high risk by attaching my name to the transaction as Dick’s next of kin. Therefore, I will settle for nothing less than 42% of the total fund.

Now, on to the practical steps. Shall I book my flight to Dubai on my own credit card, or will you sponsor this trip to enable a face-to-face discussion on further actions?

The modality of this should be very perfect, as you have astutely alluded to in your email. I will settle for nothing less than perfection in such a sensitive matter and will expect nothing less from you.

Looking forward to your response,
Daniel Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear Friend Daniel,

Thank you so much for the interest shown towards this transaction.

I feel the need to explain to you details first and procedure relating to these transaction by email , trust and confidential till the funds will disbursed to any trusted account provided by you and guarantee of my own share is my most concern, I dedicated myself to reply you these email because of the need for absolute secrecy in this transaction. And naturally since I cannot delegate anybody to reply such type of email, I had to do it personally because of its peculiarity I believe we can work together to achieve great success for onward remittance of the said funds, I want to begin by assuring you that we can consummate this transaction within 15 working days from the date of commencement. As the procedures relating to the transaction mentioned is not a complex one. And good enough it’s going to be a bank-to-bank transfer, therefore inherent risks are negated and its 100% risk free.

I will write a letter which would accompanied by your details in the form as i will state in my next email when I hear from you with your full details as i required, this you will forward to my bank’s Legal Adviser/Attorney. It will serve to introduce you to the bank, and of course trigger the processing of your transfer request. The bank will then carry out some verification procedures; example, they will demand for the deposit and death certificate of the deceased from you which is the procedure of long time deposit of investors according to Dubai financial rules and regulations, i already have the scan documents in my safe possession which will make every procedure smooth for us,

Every document that the attorney shall demand from you for verification of your claim, I shall provide. Therefore, after making the request through the Bank Attorney by completing and forwarding the form, he would naturally be expected to contact you via you email or phone.

Please ensure you utilize an email that only you have access to, and I will also need to stress the fact that the foregoing must be kept strictly between the two of us. Your email to the Attorney should also serve to request from the department the procedure (s) involved in claiming the funds entitled to you vis-à-vis the documents I shall make available to you to forward to him when they demands for such. I need to again stress the need for the two of us to work together to achieve success as true friends for the sake of successful end in these transaction,

I want you to assure me that you will only take the percentage that I have already put forward to you, and nothing more. Humans tend to always have a change of heart in issues relating to money. And since it is going to be your account the funds will be transferred to, I need to be able to trust you, and have a complete feel of confidence that my share will also accrue to me when we conclude this transaction. The nature of this transaction is the type that I cannot do alone without the help of an outsider. I am putting at stake my years of experience within the industry. This transaction is 100% risk free provided you follow my instruction.

And I want you to keep this transaction confidential regards to my status as a banker I don’t want anything that will spoil or tarnish my image as well as yours because I have a name here to protect. Please if you have any questions feel free to ask because through question and answer that is when you will understand the transaction very well.

Based on the above intention, I hereby propose the following conditions.

1.) You will provide a safe Bank account either in your country or any country of your choice where the money will be transferred into.

2.) You will give me a Guarantee to assure that my share will be transferred into an account (which I will later open in your country) after funds have been confirmed in your account.

3.) You must maintain absolute confidentiality during and after the transaction. If you accept the above conditions, reply immediately to enable us proceed and for further details.

I look forward hearing from you.

Best regards,

Mr. Zaheya E, Attar

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear new BFF Zaheya,

I thank you for your most fastest response. Your commitment to the modality of this operational directive is obvious and reinforces my trust in you as a business partner.

I want to assure you that I will do my utmost to keep this matter confidential. As we both know, using our regular Yahoo! emails provides the best degree of confidentiality, since Yahoo! is run by a secret cartel of spies and all correspondence is appropriately encrypted on our behalf. I suggest we continue using Yahoo! as our primary communication channel until I arrive to Dubai. Agreed?

A practical update. To honour my commitment to you I have already done the following:

  1. Legally updated my middle name to “Burson”
  2. Performed a minor plastic surgery to make myself better resemble what I believe Dick looked like. Since you haven’t provided me with a photograph I had to go with my instincts. My eyebrows were made slightly bushier and my chin has acquired a distinct pear shape. I look like Borat. If you send me Dick Burson’s picture I’m sure I can disguise my identity even more successfully.
  3. Booked a ticket to Dubai. I am currently residing in Vilnus, Lithuania, so I will be flying with Austrian Airlines via Viena. I arrive to Dubai on flight OS839, Sunday the 25th of November at 21:50.

Will you provide accommodation in Dubai, or shall I reserve a discreet room in a hostel somewhere? If I do so, I strongly suggest not using my real name. I will go with something like “Queen Latifa”, to cover up both my true identity and gender. Please tell me if you find this acceptable.

I find every one of your three conditions 100% acceptable and would settle for nothing less.

Looking forward to meeting you and shaking your hand vigorously, like a true Burson would!

Your trusted accomplice,
Daniel Burson Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Prior to your arrival, you have to open a communication with Emirates NBD legal Department.

ASSALAM ALAIKUM WA RAHMUTULLAH WA BARAKATHU.

Dear Friend,

Indeed again thank you very much for your cooperation and understanding towards this transaction. all we need is a bank account that would be able to accommodate such magnitude, provided you are the sole signatory to the account. and the funds will be remitted directly to your provided bank account. Regards to your intended trip to the United Arab Emirates I would like to make it clear to your understanding, that I have not invited you here, and you have not even perform the required process for this inheritance claim, at the moment if you intend to come down here, good and fine, but you should have it in your mind that its your responsibilities to arrange for proper place of accommodation prior to your arrival, you would be warmly welcome at anytime here in UAE.

Note:You are expected to make contact with the Legal Consultant National Bank of Dubai (Emirates NBD) the official email (which i have provided below ) by writing a letter requesting them to commence processing your inheritance fund transaction for the purpose of onward transfer to your nominated account which you shall provide for them. I have taken out time to draft this letter which you would copy and send to them. The details you need to complete I have left out in blank. Please make sure you fill them out before sending the letter.

They may likely request of some documents which can only be accessed by the next of kin of the deceased owner of the funds you and I are trying to move out of the bank. Those documents I shall provide to you also in order to forward to them whenever they requests for such doccuments. The Legal consultant is expected to come to our bank and seek for clarification and clearance over the letter you send to the legal department . This is where I shall also participate actively. Been the Manager of the branch where the funds of the deceased customer is been kept, I shall authorize the clearance letter to them by confirming that you are truly the next of kin of the deceased customer and therefore the bank authorizes that the funds be transferred unto you.

Below are the contact details of the Legal Consultant of our bank and a draft of the letter you need to send over to (Emirates NBD) legal department after completing your details properly. Note: theres every need for you to visit your email more often this time, because you have to be more puntual as we addvance to te next stage of this venture.

Regards

Mr.Zaheya E,Attar

[deleted a long drafted letter with an “application form” requesting my bank account, name, SWIFT code, address, etc.]

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  50% / 50% and a gesture of trust!

AGLUK BATAR, JABBA ROGAROK! MAY YOUR FACE EXPLODE WITH A THOUSAND SUNS OF HAPPINESS!

Dear Zaheya,

I am saddened by the tone you have chosen to take in your last email.

I think we can both agree that mutilating my face, changing my middle name and the purchase of a rather expensive ticket to Dubai show a pretty high level of commitment to the success of our operation and the continued perpetuation of its progressively modal state.

Instead of praising my dedication you have shown dissatisfaction and ingratitude by revoking your prior invitation to Dubai. Moreover, you have refused to provide any details about Dick Burson, my now-third-cousin. I am beginning to have second thoughts and fifth feelings about your proposal.

However, I am still more than willing to proceed with our agreement, on the following conditions:

1) The split is now 50% / 50%
2) You send me a photo of Richard Burson, so I can prepare a more convincing performance.
3) You write “Sorry, Daniel, I was wrong to be mad at you” in your next email.

Please understand that I am not trying to back out of the arrangement, but to merely cement our future partnership by mutual disclosure of stated modulations.

I fully expect to honour your requests, which is why I will bring the filled out application form to our personal meeting at the end of November.

Your trusted confidant,
Daniel Burson Nest

PS: I am planning on booking a room at Burj Al Arab. Please tell me if that is within your budget or whether you prefer that I reserve a cheaper place.

eBay Troll: “Reconnective Healing”

11 Comments

I have good news!

I have finally found a way to combine my two favourite hobbies – mocking ridiculous eBay “magic” and messing with scammers.

You see, it turns out every seller on eBay can be contacted personally with questions. So, after setting up a dedicated eBay account I began contacting sellers of “haunted rings” and other magical items in an attempt to spark up a conversation.

It wasn’t long before the seller of this listing for “3 Reconnective Healing sessions” responded to me.

What follows is the full transcript of this exchange. It is the ultimate blend of reality and utter bullshit. Reality, because this is a correspondence that actually took place. Bullshit, because both Wei and I are talking out of our asses. The only difference is that I actually admit to talking nonsense.

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi,

Would you be the one to contact if I had questions?

Thank you,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

Yes you can ask me if you have any questions.

Regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

Great! Thank you for your kindness. As is well known, it is a kind soul that catches the early worm!

Now, on to the questions:

1) Are you using the traditional molecule-realignment coherence method? Or the more experimental energy-permeance approach? The reason I ask is because one of them I am perfectly comfortable with, but the other one, to be frank, sounds a bit far fetched.

2) To what extent, if any, is Jesus used as a vessel for energy transference during these sessions. The reason I ask is because the picture clearly depicts the famous “Jesus Gives Life To A Farmer” moment, so I’m wondering if that has any significance.

3) How safe is the method? I have previously been greatly disappointed by one of these. Shortly after the session I had a severe headache and eventually started leaking some red fluid from my left ear. I was terrified, thinking it was blood, but the “healer” told me it was more likely a mix of “ectoplasm and strawberry jam”. It sounds like he was mocking me, but needless to say I’m a bit paranoid about the effects.

Hoping to hear from you soon,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

1)  Sorry, I don’t know these methods with complicated that you are referring to :). Frankly i belief all these modalities has nothing to do with Reconnective healing.

2) Reconnective healing does not transfer energy per say as it is a healing frequency and not sending energy. Energy transmission reduces with distance but the healing frequency doesn’t. I have clients from the other side of the globe that experience healing just the same as if I were to do it in person with him/her.

3) The Reconnective healing is to put you back into balance in whatever ways that you need to at this moment of your life. For all my clients they do not experience the strange physical phenomena that you have described. If you decide to get a Reconnective healing, be open and allow the healing frequency to work with you. Drop all fears and expectations as they are all mind chatters that will stop you from getting your healings.

Have a good day.
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

Thank you for the fast response! You truly are a blessed sheep in sacred wolf’s clothing, did you know that?

1) I’m sorry, I was confused. Now I understand that you’re using the regular re-connective healing with wavelength propagation technique. That one should be just fine!
2) OK, so Jesus isn’t involved then? Also, I thought the healing would take place remotely. Maybe I misread. You are of course welcome to do it in person, if you insist. Do we split the cost of the air ticket, or is that covered by your own business expenses?
3) Please forgive my skepticism, but the last healer has really left me in a bad shape. For more than two weeks after the session I was experiencing intense “mind chatters”, as you call them. One of these chatters kept insisting I build a castle made of chocolate for the Candy God, while the other one wanted me to sacrifice a goat. It was a very discomforting and intensely painful experience. I am really, really afraid to have to face something like this again.

Having said that, you appear to be a trustworthy and knowledgeable person. Your use of the term “modalities” hints at sophistication and proper upbringing. I feel I can trust you with this.

Please tell me what is required from my side to make the arrangements and then we can proceed with the transaction and booking the necessary plane tickets.

Yours faithfully,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

This is for remote healing sessions so it does not involves buying plane ticket. You just need to make the payment to affirm you commitment for the session. Then we have to fix the time fo the session. The healing will be for about 30mins to 1hr. At the arranged time, I will contact you via phone or e-mail to let you know that I am about to begin the session. You will get yourself in a quiet, comfortable space (lying down or sitting comfortably) in which to experience the healing session. There should be no disturbance during the session in order for you to fully experience the session. When I am done I will contact you again so that we can debrief the experience.

This listing is for 3 sessions. If you want to try it out you can check my other listing for one single session.

If you are interested to sessions in person and you want to fly to NYC, you are most welcomed to do so. The fees I charge for in person session is different.

Best regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Dear Wei,

Your continued correspondence and honesty do not cease to amaze me. You seem to be a truly special person, or, as Yoda would say it “A truly special person you seem to be, hmmmm?”

Please forgive my continued skepticism. I just still find it hard to get over the experience of the last session and the mad voices. Did you know that one of them kept referring to me as “Smooth Cheeks”? It was horrifying, because I don’t even know what that means!

You seem to be deliberately avoiding my very specific questions about Jesus. I hope you’re not using Jesus to help you with these sessions, only to keep the money for yourself. I don’t think it would be fair to the son of God.

I think I am ready to take the leap. Just a few final things, to alleviate my fears and allow for the modality of the sessions to flow:

1) Please confirm whether or not Jesus is participating in these sessions. If he is, will he be on your end in NYC or together with me in the “quiet, comfortable space”? I’m not sure I’m OK with Jesus and I being that close, especially since I plan on being at least partially naked during the sessions.
2) Are you able to supply a document proving your status as a “certified Reconnective Healing Practicioner”. Ideally this would be a picture of you and/or Jesus holding the certificate, but a scanned photocopy would be just fine too.
3) In case of “personal sessions”, will snacks be provided, or is it best I brought some with? What do you like best – Pringles or Kit-Kats?

Already connecting,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

All that i can say about Reconnective healing has already been shared. The rest is up to you to decide. I do not get involve with your mind chatter as it is something you have to resolve on your own.

Have a good day.
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

I did not mean to doubt or upset you. I just wanted to know the extent of Jesus’ involvement.

Since you won’t answer the snack question I will bring both Pringles and Kit Kats with me. Sour Cream and Onion, or Barbecue?

Finally, I didn’t see any certificate or pictures of Jesus attached. Did I miss something?

Thanks again for your positive energy,
Daniel

From: Wei
To: Daniel

Hi Daniel,

I think you are mistaken, I am glad that you wrote in to ask about getting yourself healed. Your doubts lies in your mind and has nothing to do with me.

Reconnective healing does not involves with ascended master, teachers or guide.

When you come in for your in person session, you will get to see the cert.

Best regards,
Wei

From: Daniel
To: Wei

Hi Wei,

I hereby accept your generous invitation for a free in-person session! You’re incredibly kind! Will you also pay for my plane ticket, or shall I buy it myself?

Your mention of ascended master reminded me of my former Sensei Jiango Karzoomi, of Shaolin’s Second Order of Fries! His favourite poem went as follows:

Dark. Long. Tedious.
Goes. Goes. Goes.
Whenever you’re in doubt, you’ll eat.
And so your belly grows.

It always reminds me to focus on the most important things in life, like computer games, broccoli soup, and stickmen figures. What are YOUR favourites?

On to a more practical question. I assume, of course, that I shall stay with you in NYC during our sessions. If that’s not correct, please book a hotel for me. It doesn’t have to be expensive, I don’t want you to spend too much money on healing me.

I cannot wait! I’ll have a backpack FULL of Pringles and Kit Kats for you. You have helped me see the light and for that you deserve nothing else!

When can you accept me into your home in NYC?

Daniel

How to write a scam letter

23 Comments

Just like most of you, I regularly receive scam letters. Sometimes I manage to get a wacky correspondence going with the scammers and entertain you all in the process. More often, though, I reply back to scammers to never hear from them again. I’ll keep trying, because I am just the right combination of persistent, bored and emotionally immature.

Today I decided to flip the tables and attempt to design an effective scam letter of my own. I have borrowed what I consider to be the most successful common scam elements and attempted to blend them into the ultimate masterpiece of scam perfection. Or, failing that, into a more-or-less coherent text.

I hope the below first draft inspires you all to reach for the stars and other people’s hard-earned money. May you be successful and morally corrupt.

______________________________

To: Randomly obtained list of recipients

From: Dr. Abogo Alistar, Executive Christian of Money Corporation, Inc.

Subject: Hello Dearest Friend

Dear sir/madam/unisex android mark CP78,

I hope this letter finds you well, but, more importantly, I hope this letter finds you in the first place. Don’t you be playing hide-n-seek with the letter, you hear me?!

I’m sorry for snapping at you. You didn’t deserve it.

You see, my diabetic cancer AIDS makes me emotional and aggressive. I don’t like the person I have become. Thankfully, I only have 12 days, 6 hours and 17 minutes to live, so it will all be over soon.

I am unfathomably wealthy. If I told you how much money I had, your head would warp out of existence and straight into a parallel universe. Your brain isn’t capable of containing that many zeros simultaneously.

I turn to you with a favour. You see, even though I am rich, my entire family is desperately poor. Due to a made-up set of circumstances which I refuse to bore you with, I am unable to send money directly to my family. Since I am unaware of the existence of banks, despite using the term “banks” in a sentence, I need your help in transferring a sum of SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES AMERICAN DOLLARS (the green ones) to my family in Ghangladesh, which I assure you is a place that exists.

In return, I shall send you a big virtual hug and a smiley face of your own choosing. Should that not be sufficient, I’ll also send 10% of the above sum to your bank account, using my suddenly discovered knowledge of how banks operate.

All you need to do is simply respond to this email with “Free money? Hell Yeah” in the subject line and fill out the information below:

NAME:
BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER:
BLOOD TYPE:
CURRENT STATE OF INTERNAL ORGANS (please indicate number of kidneys available for transplant):
FAVOURITE COLOUR:
CAPITAL OF AUSTRALIA:

Please attach a picture of you dancing Salsa with a headless chicken and/or mannequin.

Should you refuse to accept my money, I kindly ask you to share this letter with up to 7 of your closest friends. For each friend you share this with you will multiply your chances of meeting a wish-granting magical Elf by 16.

Your new penpal,
Dr. Abogo Alistar

What do you think? Did I strike the right emotional chords with the letter? Do you suggest some improvements? Even better, can you write a great scam letter of your own?

My “Unresponsive Scammer” Collection

8 Comments

Hi all,

I am currently stranded without any money in the country of Lisompo, which you may have heard of, but definitely haven’t. Also, I’m afraid I’m dying of old age, which really sucks when you’re only 30.

If you don’t act immediately to transfer a million dollars out of my account into yours, all is lost! Because that’s how banks work!

Please send me your bank information details and I’ll tell you how you can send me money that you’ll never see again.

Yours,
Daniel

So…yeah…today’s post is about scammers again. Ever since the wildly successful “My correspondence with a scammer” post, I have been writing back to scammers in the hope that they’d bite. Unfortunately, none of them have displayed the same combination of cluelessness and dedication as Linda Hicks, so I haven’t gotten any real conversations going yet. I promise to keep trying!

Nevertheless, I wanted to share with you a few of my responses to scammers, because I find them quite amusing (if I do say so myself, which I just did). Maybe some of you will find inspiration in these and start your own conversations with scammers? Maybe nothing at all will happen? The possibilities are virtually endless!

This may seem like a bit of a lazy post strategy. That’s because it totally is! I don’t want to use the work excuse again, but we do have another project “sprint” at work that started 10 days ago and will continue for another week. So I decided that instead of falling off the radar completely this time, I’ll share my inbox with you.

As with the Linda Hicks post I censor all website links, but leave the rest of the email content untouched. Enjoy:

Scammer 1 – “Let’s Succeed Together”:

Hi,

My name is Angie Scott and I would really love to tell you how nest-expressed.com can rank even better in Google.

I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Sheriff and while doing a research for some of my partners I found your email address and decided to contact you at once.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information and all the details needed to make it happen.

Thanks,
Angie

My response 1:

Hi Angie,

How are you? Hope you are as well as a whale under a spell (it’s a saying we have in Iceland)!

Thank you very much for contacting me! I would certainly be interested in receiving details, information, and other paraphernalia from you pertaining to the offer.

By the way, I love the subject of your email – “let’s succeed together”. That’s so well put! I am a fan of succeeding and I absolutely love togetherness too. Combining those two is just like dipping a cookie in chocolate milk! Have you tried that? Delicious!

Anyways, hope to hear from you,

Daniel

PS: Pardon my ignorance, but what does SEO mean? My guess is Site Enhancement Organisation?

Scammer 2 – “Advertising”:

Good day,

My name is Ben and I run a website [name] I really like the quality of articles you publish and I think that the target audience on your site would even benefit if you were to link to mine in your posts.

So, I have a proposal. I want to sponsor your regular posts. You simply continue writing articles – as you normally do, they are very good! And in the end of your article – state: “This article was written in association with [name], educational resource about the most famous scientists. Save on Textbooks online.”

You can change the text of the “bio” if you would like to edit something.

If it is possible to upload a small website logo by the bio – that would also be great. It’s like sponsored posts, but you do not have to write anything extraordinary – just your regular updates, which I like very much!

Kindly, write me back if you are interested – how many sponsored posts you would accept from me and what would be the price. If you have expected publication dates – let me know too.

Thank you very much for running such a great website!

Ben Anderson

My response 2:

Good day, or, as they say where I come from, “Good day”!

First of all, congratulations on running a site that is dedicated to scientists and their famousity – you’re saving lives, I’m sure!

Secondly, I fully agree that my target audience would benefit from learning about scientists that are famous! We all know that juvenile humour and science go together like spare ribs and watermelon!

I’d like to suggest a bio, more along the lines of:

“Love sciency stuff? Love websites that begin with “f”? Then you’ll love [name]! Head on over and get your science on!”

What do you think?

May I ask, if I may, which one of my articles was your favourite? The one with the cat going on hunger strike? The one with a list of things you shouldn’t eat together with marshmallows? Or a third one? I’m just curious, so that I know what quality content to keep delivering!

Until the next point in the space-time continuum,
Daniel

Scammer 3 – “Hello Dear”:

Hello Dear,

My name is Miss Aminata Bangali, resident in Ghana, Africa: The main reason I have decided to contact you today is to seek your assistance to help me transfer my INHERITED MONEY DEPOSITED IN A SECURITY AND FINANCE COMPANY in MADRID SPAIN to your country for investment.

I am the next of kin to the DEPOSIT, but because I lack experience and the situation with me here as a refugee, I decided to contact you to stand as my Trustee and Representative to release the money from the company and transfer it to your country..If you are interested, please let me know and I will give you the full details..

Thank You,
Miss Aminata Bangali.

My response 3:

Dear Aminata,

Thank you for contacting me, resident of Europe, Earth!

The wise teachings of the Seven High Lords of Gratitude tell me that all good deeds must be performed when requested. Therefore, I hesitate not at all when assistance of mine you ask.

Please relate the details of this to me in full and I shall carry your burden on my broad shoulders like Hercules, or at least like “The Rock”.

May you be blessed by the All-Seeing Star of the Cossacks in the sky,
Daniel