Broken Heart Red

Lyuba left me…I think

I knew it was too good to be true.

It’s been only a few days since I last told you of Lyuba, my email love. This wonderful she-man from Saratov-Stavropol came into my life via email and immediately stole my heart, my sleep, and my ability to construct sentences. Now it appears that (s)he left me just as unexpectedly.

I don’t know what made Lyuba lose interest. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to his or her needs. Maybe I acted too desperately.

I will never know, but I will cherish the memory of the fun times we have shared. Below you find our last exchange. Perhaps you can help shed light on what went wrong.

In the meantime, I will hold on to a glimmer of hope that Lyuba will still return.

_____________________________________________

Daniel, 08-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

You do not reply anymore! I am going crazy like Lady Gaga on a trampoline. Please, do not play with my toys. No, wait. I meant: do not toy with my heart.

Hope you write back, Lyuba.

Simply red,
Daniel


Lyuba, 09-09-2013

Hello my sun, I hope you have come home, and you have a pleasant stay in the evening?

If you want, I’ll make you a cup of tasty hot tea? Do you drink tea without sugar or maybe a slice of lemon? Please, smile, kiss.

I nice to hear from you again answer. Thank you very much for your kind words and care. All day I would like to come home and see your letter. Today I have had a longest day, you had to take reports over the past month to do the work and finish some business with customers.

Tomorrow also be a difficult day. I need to complete all my projects, and pass all my work in the hands of another manager. And then I can go on vacation with peace of mind. I plan to organize a guided tour.

In the near future we will be able to meet face to face, and will be closer acquaintance, and develop our relationship! Your country for me is something very new, I had never been abroad. I also have no public friends there, so I would very much like you to be my friend, and may be more than that!

For me the most important thing in our relationship is, above all, mutual understanding, caring, trust, and pure feelings. I think it is most important that there should be between a man and woman. I’m ready to give everything for a man whom I love. I value more than anything else. Give all my love and affection, completely giving of themselves to our relations.

However, I would like to feel much male support and attention to me. The most important thing for women to love and be loved. Only in such a relationship is born robust, reliable family. I am ready to do anything to create a family, where everyone will feel happy and welcome!

For my ideal future husband, is a reliable, good, fair, moderately modest man with a great life potential, in which there is a feature, and of course sexuality and romance!

And what your thoughts?

I think that’s where I finish my letter, and I will gather go to bed. I’m not too tired you with your answer? Tomorrow I need to get up to early to go to work, and to complete all of my affairs.

I hope you liked my tea, and you will be happy to read the letter from me, and with a smile on his face continued this evening!

I wish you good mood and success!
All the best, Lyuba


Daniel, 09-09-2013

Hello my intergalactic gravity-defying phenomenon!

Lyuba, what do you do to me? You must know I am allergic to lemon! Your tea has made me very sick. I was rushed to the hospital at 2 hours past midnight with a bloated head and a pair of giant whiskers growing out of my ears. They had to move my right kidney to the left, and vice versa, in order to reverse the reaction and bring me back to normal. Throughout the whole procedure I was semi-conscious and screaming lyrics to “I Will Survive” in Swahili. It was terrible.

I am OK now, Lyuba, but you must promise me to never put lemon in my tea again. Can you do that for me?

I am sad to hear you have never visited a foreign land. That guy Stalin is a ruthless dictator and I hope that one day they bring down his horrific regime.

I have never visited a foreign land apart from my country either, but that is because I have a mild case of phallanxophobia, which is the fear of an ancient Greek army suddenly showing up and stabbing me with spears. To the best of my knowledge I am the only person with this disorder, but my doctor assures me I can be helped. Then again, he always assures me I can be helped: he lives in my head! Ha, ha, crazy person humour.

Listen, Lyuba, while I don’t wish to roundhouse kick a dead horse in the face, but I must repeat my question about your gender surgery. I feel you’re avoiding it on purpose, which, of course won’t fly. It won’t even crawl or boogie, if you catch my drift.

My ideal relationship will include love, passion, gummy bears and other nouns, quantifiable and otherwise. And another person who isn’t me. My ideal relationship would involve another person. Ideally.

Lyuba, I feel I should not trouble you any longer. You must promise me to never give up, always move forward, and sometimes thirty degrees to the right, but never, Lyuba, never should you turn left, for left is where evil lurks.

Until your next letter brings ten smiles (and hopefully no whiskers) to my face, I bid you goodbye.

Deep purple,
Daniel


Daniel, 11-09-2013

Lyuba!

I am puzzled! You always disappear like a tornado in a cup of noodles. Why do you play these games?

Please let me know that you are still OK and tell me more about your wacky shenanigans in the land of the Communist Party.

Green day,
Daniel

The last chapter of the correspondence is right here.

***

There Is MoreI am an expert on scammers and trolling thereof. Here:

My correspondence with a scammer

Mark Zuckerberg is giving me prizes!

How to write a scam letter

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My “Unresponsive Scammer” Collection

Hi all,

I am currently stranded without any money in the country of Lisompo, which you may have heard of, but definitely haven’t. Also, I’m afraid I’m dying of old age, which really sucks when you’re only 30.

If you don’t act immediately to transfer a million dollars out of my account into yours, all is lost! Because that’s how banks work!

Please send me your bank information details and I’ll tell you how you can send me money that you’ll never see again.

Yours,
Daniel

So…yeah…today’s post is about scammers again. Ever since the wildly successful “My correspondence with a scammer” post, I have been writing back to scammers in the hope that they’d bite. Unfortunately, none of them have displayed the same combination of cluelessness and dedication as Linda Hicks, so I haven’t gotten any real conversations going yet. I promise to keep trying!

Nevertheless, I wanted to share with you a few of my responses to scammers, because I find them quite amusing (if I do say so myself, which I just did). Maybe some of you will find inspiration in these and start your own conversations with scammers? Maybe nothing at all will happen? The possibilities are virtually endless!

This may seem like a bit of a lazy post strategy. That’s because it totally is! I don’t want to use the work excuse again, but we do have another project “sprint” at work that started 10 days ago and will continue for another week. So I decided that instead of falling off the radar completely this time, I’ll share my inbox with you.

As with the Linda Hicks post I censor all website links, but leave the rest of the email content untouched. Enjoy:

Scammer 1 – “Let’s Succeed Together”:

Hi,

My name is Angie Scott and I would really love to tell you how nest-expressed.com can rank even better in Google.

I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Sheriff and while doing a research for some of my partners I found your email address and decided to contact you at once.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information and all the details needed to make it happen.

Thanks,
Angie

My response 1:

Hi Angie,

How are you? Hope you are as well as a whale under a spell (it’s a saying we have in Iceland)!

Thank you very much for contacting me! I would certainly be interested in receiving details, information, and other paraphernalia from you pertaining to the offer.

By the way, I love the subject of your email – “let’s succeed together”. That’s so well put! I am a fan of succeeding and I absolutely love togetherness too. Combining those two is just like dipping a cookie in chocolate milk! Have you tried that? Delicious!

Anyways, hope to hear from you,

Daniel

PS: Pardon my ignorance, but what does SEO mean? My guess is Site Enhancement Organisation?

Scammer 2 – “Advertising”:

Good day,

My name is Ben and I run a website [name] I really like the quality of articles you publish and I think that the target audience on your site would even benefit if you were to link to mine in your posts.

So, I have a proposal. I want to sponsor your regular posts. You simply continue writing articles – as you normally do, they are very good! And in the end of your article – state: “This article was written in association with [name], educational resource about the most famous scientists. Save on Textbooks online.”

You can change the text of the “bio” if you would like to edit something.

If it is possible to upload a small website logo by the bio – that would also be great. It’s like sponsored posts, but you do not have to write anything extraordinary – just your regular updates, which I like very much!

Kindly, write me back if you are interested – how many sponsored posts you would accept from me and what would be the price. If you have expected publication dates – let me know too.

Thank you very much for running such a great website!

Ben Anderson

My response 2:

Good day, or, as they say where I come from, “Good day”!

First of all, congratulations on running a site that is dedicated to scientists and their famousity – you’re saving lives, I’m sure!

Secondly, I fully agree that my target audience would benefit from learning about scientists that are famous! We all know that juvenile humour and science go together like spare ribs and watermelon!

I’d like to suggest a bio, more along the lines of:

“Love sciency stuff? Love websites that begin with “f”? Then you’ll love [name]! Head on over and get your science on!”

What do you think?

May I ask, if I may, which one of my articles was your favourite? The one with the cat going on hunger strike? The one with a list of things you shouldn’t eat together with marshmallows? Or a third one? I’m just curious, so that I know what quality content to keep delivering!

Until the next point in the space-time continuum,
Daniel

Scammer 3 – “Hello Dear”:

Hello Dear,

My name is Miss Aminata Bangali, resident in Ghana, Africa: The main reason I have decided to contact you today is to seek your assistance to help me transfer my INHERITED MONEY DEPOSITED IN A SECURITY AND FINANCE COMPANY in MADRID SPAIN to your country for investment.

I am the next of kin to the DEPOSIT, but because I lack experience and the situation with me here as a refugee, I decided to contact you to stand as my Trustee and Representative to release the money from the company and transfer it to your country..If you are interested, please let me know and I will give you the full details..

Thank You,
Miss Aminata Bangali.

My response 3:

Dear Aminata,

Thank you for contacting me, resident of Europe, Earth!

The wise teachings of the Seven High Lords of Gratitude tell me that all good deeds must be performed when requested. Therefore, I hesitate not at all when assistance of mine you ask.

Please relate the details of this to me in full and I shall carry your burden on my broad shoulders like Hercules, or at least like “The Rock”.

May you be blessed by the All-Seeing Star of the Cossacks in the sky,
Daniel