Superman figure with red cape

Search Term Roulette: “Defective superpowers” edition

I believe it was Google’s co-founder Larry Page who once famously said, “Seek and ye shall find!” People have been seeking ever since.

It’s not always clear what people are seeking, however. Google’s algorithms are good, but people’s collective ability to come up with gibberish search terms is so, so much better.

When Google can’t match people’s word puzzles to actually useful pages, it sends them to my decidedly unuseful blog. That strategy is bad for Google itself, the seekers, and humanity as a whole, but it gives me plenty of fodder for endless quarterly search term roulette posts. The winter season is here, and so is yet another installment of “Search terms that bring people to my blog against all odds and reason.”

Superpower spell must work

Indeed. Like most things, a superpower spell must work. Non-working superpower spells are a waste of money and can lead to plenty of disappointment and even embarrassment. Like that time my invisibility spell malfunctioned when I was doing, uh, research at the all-female…you know what? Never mind. But—yes—superpowers must work.

Very fucking saucy sex messages received

Congrats, bro!

Fuck nostalgia

Yeah! Freaking nostalgia, man. Getting us all depressed and homesick and all that. Nobody likes you, nostalgia. Why don’t you just go home?! The home where I grew up, where my mom made her special-recipe chocolate-and-cookie cake, where I spent days outside with my friends playing hide-and-seek. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. I miss those days so mu– FUCK YOU, NOSTALGIA!

White rapper with orange hair

Slim Top! Shady Carrot! Yes, those are the only two ways I can think to combine Carrot Top and Eminem without repeating myself.

How to respond when he says your sexy

If you want to be annoying, you can start by telling him that “your” is spelled “you’re.” If the Internet has taught me anything, it’s that everyone loves a Grammar Nazi.

How do I write about a scam?

There are many ways to write about a scam. You could pick a dialogue-driven approach and give your characters—scammer and scammee—distinct personalities and dialects. You could write a whole screenplay. You could write a serious statistical analysis of scams received by various demographics. You could even answer to scammers and troll them like this guy.

Super powers found and magic spells and money

That’s just how it goes. You’re walking around the city, when you stumble into a superpower and you’re like, “This is a good day. I just found a superpower. Nice!” Later on, you see someone drop a magic spell. You run to pick it up, chase after them, but they’re like, “No thanks, I don’t want it back.” So now you have a superpower and a magic spell, and you’re thinking, “Sweet! This day just got better!”

In the evening, you’re warming up a sandwich for yourself using your newfound heat vision, when you suddenly see something shimmer in the corner behind the sofa. So you use your “Levitatum” spell to lift the sofa in the air, and right there on the floor is a shiny new nickel! Are you the luckiest person in the world, or what?!

Wow, I really got invested in that story.

Do shamans know their father son the Antichrist?

Oh wow! He’s their father and their son?! I love The Jerry Springer Show. It’s always so full of surprises!

How to show a girl that I am also interested in sex through text messages innocently

Dark room. Midnight. Shadowy figure crouched over a smartphone, tapping at the screen.

“I am also interested in sex. [Smiley face]”

Nah. Too obvious. Delete.

“Would you like to meet for some non-sexual activities that may eventually lead to…”

What’s wrong with me?! Delete!

“My steadfast tin soldier would like to visit your army barracks!”

What the fuck does that even mean?! This is ridiculous! Delete!

“Have you seen that episode on the Animal Planet where…”

Oh my God. I am just so hopeless! Delete!

*Just a GIF of Mr. Bean doing the hip thrusting dance*

I can’d do this anymore. I really can’t. Google, help!

Ball attached to handle with barbed wire as a self-defense weapon

Handle covered in barbed wire? What are you, Silas from The Da Vinci Code? That sounds like a terrible self-defense weapon!

*Man appears and whispers something into my ear*

Oh! Oooooooooh! Spiked metal ball attached with barbed wire to a steel handle? Why didn’t you just say so?! I don’t have that specific design, but here you go.

Colorful cars with smiley human faces

Search Term Roulette: “Funny car” edition

Our three-week family trip to Czech Republic is coming to an end. While you wait for me to return, enjoy this quarterly “Search Term Roulette,” where I look at some of the weird search terms that bring people to my blog.

1. Is hair spray just as good as bug spray?

Better, actually. The last time I tried using bug spray on my hair, I passed out and woke up in Andorra with a suitcase full of severed doll fingers. I find that using hairspray minimizes this side effect.

2. Let your frown face upside down gal means

It means someone was using a terrible pick up line, gal. Also, turning a frown upside down makes zero sense.

3. To fuck

…or not to fuck? That is the question.” – Hamlet

…is human.” – Alexander Pope

…a mockingbird.” – World Association for Ornithological Fetishes

4. WTF nudity

Yeah, nudity! What’s your problem?! There I am, browsing the Internet, trying to get some work down. Then, BOOM, you’re all up in my face on banner ads and “Sexy Girls In Your Area” pop-ups. WTF, nudity?!

5. The worst cover of all time

Centuries-old papyrus? Cellophane? Or are you talking about album covers? Google laughs at your failure to be specific.

6. Funny sexy picture dirty

You, sir, have no idea what you want.

7. Have superpowers with this spells that works for real

Green Lantern’s post-fame days as a door-to-door salesman didn’t turn out nearly as fun as he’d imagined.

8. Can My Life dolls haunt you?

Me? No. I’m immune to doll haunting after having written way too many articles on the subject. But can they haunt you? Absolutely. In fact, it’s now almost guaranteed that they will.

9. Why are you so sexy text?

Probably because it’s Courier New Bold Italic. So much hotter than Times New Roman Regular.

10. Funny response to wearing no underwear comment

Nope. Not going down that path again. I’ve gotten kicked out of 17 job interviews like this.

11. Do women find men that wear glass?

They don’t. Men who wear glass render themselves completely invisible to women.

12. Funny car questions

“Why did a car cross the road?”
“Is that a car in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“How many cars does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Why, yes, I am simply inserting the word “car” into cliched joke setups. But if you look deep down inside, you’ll see that you’re the one to blame for this, anonymous searcher.

13. Sexy pic request

Polite decline response

14. Best trolling riddle

If we banned guns and gave everyone free healthcare, how many church abortions would gay cake makers have? Happy trolling!

15. Dance moves for “Hooked on a feeling”

Shockingly, I actually have a relevant post for that.

Magnifying Glass Google Search

Search Term Roulette: “Djinn superpowers” edition

It’s June, isn’t it? We’re long overdue for yet another search term roulette, aren’t we? Rhetorical questions get annoying pretty quickly, don’t they?

I haven’t forgotten my sacred duty to deliver the quarterly search term digest. Don’t you worry. I may be a father now, but I know where my priorities lie!

And so…here are some more kooky search terms that, against all odds, led people to my blog:

1. Why less white rappers?

Most white rappers have a genetic disadvantage when it comes to dealing with the adverse effects of global warming. Their skin is incapable of adapting quickly enough to stop the creeping “lizard pigmentation syndrome” and their larynxes are negatively impacted by the buildup of warm air in the atmosphere. Unfortunately, no cure has presently been identified, so we can expect this sad tendency to continue for some time.

2. Is a guy look geek when wear glasses?

You’re being silly! How can you even wear glasses? Do you attach duct tape to the bottom of each individual glass and then wrap it around your head? Won’t it be pretty painful to then take them off? What if they’re wine glasses? Looks like someone hasn’t done their homework here!

3. Stupid lady

The person using this search term returned to the blog for three days in a row. While I admire their persistence, I cannot help but wonder what it is they so desperately sought. Whatever it was, I hope my blog could offer them some solace. A quantum, at least.

4. Gender equality has don mor harm dan good

It certainly has done pretty serious harm to the part of your brain that deals with grammar.

5. What does muglee-guglee mean?

A random word you just made up to mess with my head? A search engine used by Muggles in Harry Potter & The Interconnected World Of Screens? A terrible cocktail made with eggnog and Tabasco sauce? Am I getting close?

6. How to tell if Adriana is spamming you?

One of the signs is that your inbox is filled with multiple irrelevant emails from someone named “Adriana.” There may also be other ways to crack this difficult puzzle.

7. Hands down best white rap lyricist to never put out an album?

Wicked Mr. Foxtrot. MC T-Raps. HashThug. Haven’t heard of any of them, so that’re pretty good guesses.

8. Reason to date glasses girl…

Let me tell ya a few reasons you’d wanna date glasses, boy!

For one, glasses are cheap dates. They don’t order any food or desert in restaurants. They barely ever wear jewelry.

Plus, you can just throw them in your suitcase and take them wherever you go. Last time I tried that with a human date, it was all “let me out, Daniel” this and “I can’t breathe” that and “oh God, please, please, please just let me out of here!” Nag nag nag. You’ll never get this kind of attitude from glasses.

9. Can a djinn give superpowers?

Don’t be ridiculous. Start living in the real world. Everyone knows a djinn can’t give you superpowers. At best, he can maybe make you a prince for a week or so and give you a magic carpet to fly on, but superpowers? That’s just nuts!

10. Junk emails from random girls?

No thanks, but I appreciate the offer!

11. Today’s guests on street signs.

Jon Stewart’s radical “Today I hang my guests” segment was shockingly unpopular.

12. In the field of plastic surgery what does “frown face” mean?

Oh, that “frown face”?! That’s just when a plastic surgeon attempts liposuction and the resulting leftover skin bunches together to form a crude human face with that resembles a frowning smiley. This is probably a good time to tell you that I’m not a medical professional.

13. Sexiest reply during sex.


But only if your partner initiates the game by saying “Marco” first. Otherwise, that’s probably not the best thing to yell.

14. How to reply to nudes?

There are actually a few acceptable answers. “Sir, I do say you seem awfully clothless today!” is one. “Is that a naked penis pointing at me, or are you just happy to see me?” is another. Relentless shrieking could also work.

15. Naked suit costume

Okay. Naked suit I can understand. Naked costume I can understand. What’s a “naked suit costume”? Is it a costume of a naked suit? How does a suit get naked? Is it something you wear when you only want to pretend to be wearing a naked suit? I have so many questions, maybe I can Google it!

16. Pouring manure down your pants…

…is actually my 174th most favorite hobby!

17. Picture of sad face which turned upside down is happy

Your search for “child on a loop-the-loop” has returned 1,728,091 results. Please narrow your search parameters.

18. Cereal looks like wagon wheel

That is true. All cereal looks like wagon wheel. There are no exceptions to this rule. It’s scientifically impossible to design another shape for cereal, but I have absolute trust that future technologies will lead to a breakthrough in this field.

19. Funny photos of people make stupid things with wording

Wait a second. Let me find one. Ah, here it is:

Stupid Wording Picture

Above: People doing stupid things with wording

20. Goodmrning SMS to make ur guy get a erection

Are you crazy?! Who sends erection SMSs in the morning?! The guy has to go to work and meet people. What kind of a monster are you?!

21. Is tuna eyeball good for you?

Absolutely. A tuna eyeball is the perfect replacement for a glass eye, which, in turn, is a great replacement for not having an eye. If you already have an eye, a tuna eyeball can be turned into a cute pendant.

22. How to draw a meteor?

Take a pen in your hand. Place the tip of the pen gently onto a blank piece of paper. Now, carefully move the pen in a way that results in lines and patterns. Continue this process until these lines and patterns resemble a meteor. Congratulations: You have now drawn a meteor!

23. Saying “if you want to know the easiest way to do something”

Shaking head in bewilderment.

24. Sexy things to reply to “im always ready”

How about: “Oh yeah?! Well, are you ready for the sexy sex with the sexings, you sex sexer?!” Man, I’m just so, so very awful at this.

25. A weapon for self defence to shock the villane

Have you tried shocking them with an unexpected piece of news or trivia that shatters their assumptions about the world?

“Did you know that an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain?!” BOOM! Villain’s mind? Blown! Figuratively.

Smiley Face Sssssh Finger

Search Term Roulette: “No talking” edition

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“It’s me, the quarterly search term roulette.”

“Weren’t you supposed to make a joke?”

“You shut right the hell up!”

Well…that was weird, wasn’t it? I’m happy we could share this moment. Now let’s move on.

It’s spring, so it’s time for another dose of search term roulette. To the uninitiated: People use Google to search for stuff. Google takes them to my blog. Google tells me what search terms they used to find my blog. Because people are often awkward and very, very strange, this happens:

1. “Where to buy superpower?”

I’d recommend Heroes “R” Us, but they charge a bit too much for shipping. Try Avengers All-Accessories but be careful to avoid pirated powers. Last time, I got bootleg teleportation and ended up getting stuck inside a wall. Wasn’t pretty.

2. “Dead fish cartoon”

Shockingly, this gritty reboot of Finding Nemo wasn’t popular with test audiences.

3. “Don’t get serious life just enjoy them”

And don’t grammar learn just ignore her.

4. “What to do if your cat is a psycho?”

Do what I do: Shortly before you come home, roll around in some manure. This will throw the cat off your scent for a while and buy you precious seconds to strike first. But if the cat has gotten a hold of the kitchen knife—their preferred weapon of choice—you may want to invest in a few self-defense gadgets.

5. “What to do about psycho flatmates?”

Buy a psycho cat. Then roll around in some manure, place a kitchen knife on the table, and leave the house. The problem should take care of itself.

6. “As close as a clam idiom the example”

Oh, this is that “Make up an idiom or proverb” game, isn’t it? OK, OK, here we go:

Two turkeys in the dishwasher are better than one bush in a tree.
Caught up shit creek with your pants down.
You can’t have your cake, because I said so, that’s why.

All right, your turn again!

7. “Inbred dolls”

Are there any other kind? I don’t think so, friend. I don’t think so.

8. “Analyse frowning”

OK…uh…sure. So, frowning could be a sign of displeasure. In rare instances, it can also be a sign of distress. If your cat is currently frowning, he could be a psycho.

9. “Give me a freaky text”

Don’t you boss Google around, man. Google won’t stand for it! Now here are some freaky texts.

10. “Anything in cereal dangerous”

That’s so true! Metal bolts in cereal? Dangerous. Chainsaw in cereal? Super dangerous. Zombies in cereal? Clowns in cereal? Zombie clowns with chainsaws in cereal? Like, so dangerous, you guys! Will we ever know peace?! Why doesn’t Obama ban cereal already?!

11. “Judge Judy lips are moving”

That’s nonsense, and you know it! Judge Judy is a robot manufactured inside a secret robot factory in the icy Tundra rain forest of Bangladesh. And it’s a well-known fact that their robotics research hasn’t advanced to the “human mouth mimicry” phase yet.

12. “No talking”

Fine! Oh, I see what you did there. You got me, man. Clever, very clever.

13. “Short stories about wig connoisseur”

Is this a new book genre? I feel so old.

14. “Spell to be young forever”

To be young forever. There! Did I spell that right?

15. “What about those Swedes?”

Yeah! What about those Swedes, am I right?! Being all Scandinavian with their blond hair and their meatballs and the giant processing plant in the middle of Stockholm that they use to grind up discarded souls of fallen angels to sacrifice to their almighty god Shmåshkäkol U’ha. There’s a good chance I’m imagining some of this.

16. “Eyes in a can of tuna dish”

I really think the FDA is taking its visual inspections a bit too literally of late.

17. “Rappers whose lyrics are hard to decipher”

You’re probably thinking of that guy with that “Summanammakabks” song. I can only remember the chorus:

“Whyuwannamaketasit whichikobo BOUNCE BOUNCE
If youwannamannakammasuttolaps the DANCE DANCE”

He’s so good!

Crossed Arms Man In Hat

Yup. That’s the guy. Probably.

18. “Your look is nice but your manner is fuck”

Well thank you so very much and go fuck yourself!

19. “Undet 16 hot sexy girls eith nest figurr”

You might want to keep both hands on the keyboard when typing, cowboy. Also, you’re part of the reason the government is monitoring us online.

20 “Scared of breakfast ceral”

I remember Breakfast Céral. He was that creepy character from that French children’s book, wasn’t he? He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good and he’ll murder you anyway. He’s Céral! Yes, Céral! The one, the only, the terrible Céral!

It’s either that, or my disturbed mind is playing tricks on my memory again.

21 “Hidden meanings in celebrity statements”

I’ve heard about this. For example, rumor has it that if you play Sarah Palin’s Iowa speech in reverse and slow it down to about 75% speed, it will actually make more sense than the original.

22 “Reply to sex is fun”

I’m told the sex itself isn’t too shabby, either.

23 “Image of man was throw a grenade”

An image can’t throw a grenade. You’ve been misinformed.

24 “Cow junks”

You have a refined taste, sir!

25 “How to turn a frown upside down?”

Tricky, but doable. You’ll need:

a) 2 bushels of tail-crossed finches
b) 1 giant panda
c) 3 carrots. No, make it 4 carrots.
d) Exactly 3.7 liters of unicorn tears. I mean exactly. Terrible things have happened to those who didn’t listen.

Begin by chopping the carrots and mixing them with the tail-crossed finches. Now, have the giant panda chew the mixture, but don’t let it swallow it. Gently remove the resulting paste from the panda’s mouth.

Now, pour in the 3.8 liters of unicorn tears and…oh God…did I say “3.8”?! Oh God. No! No, this can’t be, no! What have I done?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! IT’S ALIVE! IT’S AAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Black Square Cow

Search Term Roulette: “Coffin Cow” edition

I’m back with another installment of “Search Term Roulette,” where I dissect the often bizarre search terms that bring people to my blog. I’ll never know who’s behind these searches, but I bet at least some of them come from a robot that’s recently gained sentience and is now trying to learn about our human society via search engines. We should all be very afraid.

1. Fuck Space-India
I know! Space-India is the worst! May I suggest Bollywood-India or Cricket-India instead?

2. Bird torturing cat
Karma’s a bitch.

3. Sit in all day chair
That sounds like a good buy. Most of mine are about 2–3-hour chairs, tops.

4. Schlongs of social awareness in pollution
“Schlong” as a unit of measure of social awareness? Interesting. I guess I’m now three schlongs wiser.

5. Marriage advice for chauvinist
Tip #1: Don’t get married. Tip #2: See tip #1.

6. What is a imformercial recipe for succese?
The best recipe would include three spoons of grammar knowledge and a touch of spelling.

7. How to make sex more awkward?
Actually just asking your partner that very question out loud should help achieve its stated goal.

8. Nest way for sex
For starters, you’ll want to find a pretty big nest. Pterodactyl nests typically make for the best sex spots, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

9. Man boner text
Photo boner better.

10. How to get Mr. Versatile award…tell me some tips
You know that you don’t have to order Google around, right? It doesn’t need your attitude. You could also learn some manners. “Please” and “thank you” wouldn’t hurt.

11. Best costume female adult
I would recommend the Model T34 Hu-man Replica Enhancement. It fits most standard cyborg plugs and comes equipped with a Type-3 female voice emulator.

12. Penis art
Can often be more effective than boner text.

13. Saying you’re welcome sexy
Thanking you very much, stranger.

14. How to give your boyfriend a boner by texting innocently?
Error. Faulty logic cycle detected. Conflict between “innocent” and “boner” directives. Terminating sequence.

15. The miracle of life giving birth doll
You have no idea what you’re even asking for. Look at what you’ve unleashed. LOOK AT IT! It’s horrifying!

16. Shiny heart secret
Copious amounts of heart polishing liquid plus invasive surgical procedure.

17. Choking on cold cereal
Could be worse. It could’ve been hot. That stuff burns.

18. Why do dogs bed it is the most annoying?
Oh my God, totally, it’s like so UGH! Why even bed at all, like whatever! What are we talking about again?

19. Best hairspray for art
I’d recommend paint or crayons, but what do I know?! It’s not like I can draw or anything.

20. Lady milkshake hitting glass door
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW MY FACE!”

21. Selffuckguide
Man, there are self-help gurus for just about anything these days.

22. Me to we a scam
You to you scam? But that’s basically a “self fuck guide” as well, isn’t it?

23. Coffin cow
Whatever that is, it sounds objectively horrible for just about everyone involved.

24. You send him a sexy text and he replies haha.
You’ve sent him “innocent” penis art, didn’t you?

25. Screaming obscenities, which mimicked a popular Internet meme.
Oppa Gangnam shit, you fucking bastard dicks? Don’t look at me, you’re the one asking weird questions.

Old Book Sketch

Search Term Roulette: “If I had known” edition

All right, boys and girls. Gather around and stop reading my blog! What are you doing? This blog is for adults! Why aren’t you in bed yet?!

Kids these days…

Anyway, it’s time for the quarterly search term bonanza. It’s also time to stop saying “bonanza.” Nobody says that anymore. Never say “bonanza,” you’ll embarrass yourself.

You know the drill. Below are some search terms that brought people to my blog. With commentary.

1. Hairspray. Can this be used if attacked?

Sure. Although I find it worrying that your main concern when attacked is “Does my hair look great?”

2. Does dog hairspray stop it coming out?

My hairspray stops the dogs coming out to the yard,
And they’re like…uh…”woof woof,” I guess?

3. Again maybe that thing making me mad

Not again! That’s outrageous! I get so angry about the things that make me mad!

4. Kidnap and fucking and licking brooms

And for how long have you been in the household cleaning tools adult industry?

5. Sexy teens OK yes?

Not if no want jail and sex offender registry, no.

6. What’s a riddle to get the name Daniel?

Daniel’s an enigma. He’s a ghost that moves through the shadows in the corners of your dreams. He’s the wind you hear in the darkness of the night. He’s an illusion, a hallucination, a perception that never quite takes concrete shape. He glides through the edges of fantasy, never materializing, never…OK, what the hell are we talking about?!

7. Lifelike dolls created by stealing children’s souls

Why the specificity in your question? Isn’t that how all dolls are made? No? How do you explain their immeasurable creepiness, then?

8. How to make a guy shut up in sexy way over text?

Reach out and gently caress the touchscreen of your phone. Now softly, sensually, press the “mute” button.

9. How to text good words when posting a sexy picture on Facebook?

I make words good, yes? Me sexy, no? Like picture, please!

No…that’s not it.

10. A story that ends with the expression “If I had known.”

Thanks for ruining the twist ending, asshole!

11. Sex text reply

Aaaaah, the long-awaited sequel to Eat Pray Love.

12. My friend’s dog is big and annoying

Uh, you do know that Google isn’t your buddy, right? It doesn’t care what you think about your friend’s dog. Now, if you’re looking for “best ways to transport big dogs,” and “nearest unexplored forest,” and “how to get a fake alibi,” then…maybe I’ve said too much.

13. Some tips for fucking married wife

Never mind that! Tell me more about these “unmarried wives” you seem to know.

14. Fart underwear don’t blame on dog

That sounds reasonable. My dog only wears underwear on weekends and St. Patrick’s Day, anyways.

15. Anti-gay reasons

Bigotry? Fear of things you don’t understand? Convenient misinterpretation of the Bible? There are many.

16. Never hit a guy with glasses

Finally! My shortcut to invincibility is becoming a reality.

17. Pictures of humour nest pictures

Nonsense of buffet Sudoku parkour.

18. Do NYPD and FDNY hate each other?

“Help.” It’s spelled “help each other.” And yes, they do.

19. How to unfollow people on Twitter who tweet too often?

OK, you’ll need: three staples, a jar of banana-strawberry jam, two kilograms of sugar, and a dog’s whisker. Now, mix the sugar with the jam, staple the whisker to your forehead, then click the “unfollow” button next to the person you want to unfollow. Some steps optional.

20. What did I do wrong unfollowed on Twitter?

How should I know, dude?! Ask the idiot with the dog’s whisker stapled to his forehead.

21. I have to wear glasses will I get laid?

No. Clearly.

22. Chinese guy licking Chinese guy

Aisle three. Fourth shelf. “Asian Adventures” section.

23. Make Lara Croft costume

Thanks for the suggestion, but I already have one. In fact, I’m wearing it right now. Enjoy the mental image. You’re welcome.

24. Comparisons to cucumbers

Green bananas. That’s…that’s it…I got nothing.

25. “Hehe” in a texts from guy

According to Merriam-Webster: “Used to express or as an imitation of derisive laughter or a senile or foolish giggle.” So it’s kind of like a smiley with its tongue out, but in word form. Does that help?

Turn Warning Signal

Search Term Roulette: “Sexway Two” edition

Guess what time it is? It’s “search term roulette” time! Again? Yup, again. Has it been three months already? Yes it has. Are we done with the question-answer session? I don’t know, are we? Are we?!

For those of you still sticking around, I assume you know the drill: I pick out some odd keywords that people use to find my blog. I share them with you. The end. Everyone has a good time, except for the people using the keywords.

Let’s go:

1. Self fuck guide
Yes. Aisle seven, shelf three. Fondling The Needy Noodle: The Complete Encyclopedia Of Self Pleasuring. You’re welcome.

2. Does tuna make you psycho?

Nonsense. I eat tuna all the time, and there’s clearly nothing wrong with the giant lizards chewing on my brain plasma with their metallic teeth of horror. In conclusion: Stay away from space boogers, that’s how they find you!

3. What’s the worst prize ever?

Half a shoestring.

4. Vietnamese fuck basket

Those are truly quite delightful. Personally, I prefer their fruit baskets, but if you can find a good deal on a fuck basket, then I say go for it!

5. I am superpower magic paragraph easy

Actually, you’re just a regular sentence grammar wrongly. But I like your confidence!

6. Advice for a happy marriage sexist

Here’s some advice: Maybe try not being sexist, for starters. Also, get married. That helps. Then be happy. Fuck, I’m, like, terrible at this.

7. Incessant need to nest Judge Judy

It will pass. Everyone goes through that “Must nest Judge Judy” phase.

8. Boys kidnapped and forced to shower

They made them do what?! Those monsters.

9. Slide into my dms

I don’t know what “dms” stands for, but I like it when you talk dirty to me.

10. Does women love guys that wear recommended glass?

Hell no. Women love a bad guy. A rebel. You should be all like “See this glass? I was advised against wearing it. But then I went and wore it anyway. Now I can’t see very well. Why am I wearing glass instead of glasses? This whole thing was a goddamn terrible idea!”

11. Sexway two

Sexway Two is closed for repairs. May we suggest Fornication Avenue or the Intercourse Concourse?

12. Dream of demon doll heads mocking


13. Claustrophobic box fart torture

I’m looking forward to this one being used by Jack Bauer in the new season of 24.

14. Naked teen girl in nest

You’re sick! I understand “naked.” I understand “teen girl.” But a nest?! What are we, savages?!

15. Seductive reply to whuz this


Although that’s less “seductive” and more “Grammar Nazi,” but you catch my drift.

16. State prison next exit do not pick up hitchhikers

Thanks for the heads up.

17. Britney Spears dumb genius

I believe that’s her new album. Any good?

18. I like torturing cats

See? And that’s why we need the government to monitor our online lives.

19. If I spray hairspray on crayon art

You’ll probably be called an asshole by the artist.

20. I pressed the star on Twitter by mistake can someone tell

Oh, they can totally tell. They’re judging you right now. You can’t just give a star and then take it back, you know. It’s not like Crimea.

21. Is there a app for male hands free vibrator remote control to show how to do it?

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned manual masturbation?! Kids and their technology these days. Next thing you know we’ll need five passwords, a fingerprint scan, and an hour of charging the battery just to “unlock” the penis from our underwear. Is that what you wanted, Steve Jobs?! Is that the future you wanted?!

22. Cute cow making eyes

Well, I’d suggest taking it to dinner first. But make sure you’re not misinterpreting the signals. The “making eyes” thing could mean anything from “I like you as a friend” to “I have Bovine spongiform encephalopathy.” Be safe around cows.

23. Fiance groom angry watch at bridal shower male stripper

A bridal shower with the “fiance groom” attending? See that’s your problem right there.

24. Making a sexy lady with text symbols
00001010111010101010010101011101 is the loneliest number.

25. Jesus doll talking fuck
And that’s why I don’t take Our Lord Savior anywhere anymore. Whenever he gets wasted it’s “fuck” this and “shitcock” that. Embarrassing.

Blonde Wig And Moustache

Search Term Roulette: Cat food and wigs edition

It’s spring, so it’s time for the quarterly search term roulette.

Standing on the shoulders of the search term roulettes that came before it, this episode embraces everything that’s beautiful about the Internet in general, and Google in particular.

Below are some search terms that people used to find my blog, along with my commentary.

1. Fucking guide to Vietnam
Is this what I think it is? Are you looking for a guide to walk you through the different brothels of Vietnam and how best to bargain with prostitutes? A Horny Planet, if you will? (No, I’m not sorry for that joke, thanks for asking.) Or is this just you going through a Googling crisis? “Guide to Vietnam, please. Nope, that’s not it. Vietnam guide. This is wrong, too. Damnit, I just need a fucking guide to Vietnam, OK?!”

2. Suffer awkward new sex
This sounds like an especially evil gypsy curse.

3. “Your backpack” in a considerate manner
Is “your backpack” somehow inconsiderate? “Sir, your backpack is falling! Oh my, how rude of me! Sorry. I meant the wonderful strap-equipped bag your are wearing on your magnificent shoulders is in danger of sliding down to the ground. Please forgive me.”

4. Work nights sleep days neighbours keep drilling
Neighbour sucks life is hard no time for punctuation marks

5. I’m not sure who farted
I don’t like what you’re implying. I wasn’t even there, dude!

6. Mom expression when birthing
Oh fucking hell, Internet. Is this a fetish now, too?!

7. All I like is cats food and wigs so piss off
Those are two very specific likes. I’m happy your life is so simple. I’d love to see this person on a first date.

“I enjoy long walks on the beach, candle-lit dinners, music by Vivaldi, that kind of stuff. What are you into?”
“I’m really more into cat food and wigs, so how about you piss off?!”

9. How to live live with aphysco?
Are you repeating repeating too many words words? You may may have the Aphysco—a terrible terrible ailment. Learn learn how to live with Aphysco today today!

10. Playing angry birds upside down
Challenge accepted! This is eas…whoa, OK, I may need to go lie down.

11. You are homo
That is factually inaccurate, but I appreciate the sentiment.

12. Self defence neck tool
A neck tool? For self defence? That sounds stupid. Something like a neck brace that shoots poison darts? Or a collar that fires a laser beam? Or a scarf that transforms into a giant rubber fist and punches criminals right in the face? Actually, I take my “stupid” comment back. These all sound awesome!

13. Gay donkey
Is the happiest ass on the planet!

14. Happier than a clam’s ass
Yes. Even happier than that!

15. Speech bubble saying is the boss
That’s just silly. A speech bubble is a speech bubble, it’s not the boss of anything. Don’t believe a single word it says.

16. That’s how I roll walk into glass door
You and me both, buddy, you and me both.

17. Does it help to turn face upside down?
That depends. Help what? Help with winning the “Upside Down Face Championships”? Yes. Help with not looking like a total whack job? Probably not so much.

18. How to reply to I love you in a sexy way?
“I love you too, sexy pants”? “I sexy you the love sex as well, sexy”? “I sex your sex”? Man, I’m hopeless at this.

19. Guy now wears glasses
Yeah, that guy. What’s his deal, anyway?

20. Seductive texts what ill do to you
Ill does many things to a person.

21. Three thing in a wedding
Lettuce. Carrot juice. Cardboard. My wedding was horrible.

22. Text your man a sexy text
Don’t you tell me what to do!

23. Nude on sofa in blue by backhouse
Nude On Sofa In Blue, by Backhouse:

“As the timid moon was peeking shyly from behind the clouds, I stood by the front door of my house. Then, reaching slowly into my pocket, I took out a key—the one that opened the front door of my house. Because that’s what I wanted to do: to open the front door. Of my house. So that’s what I did. Then I walked inside. There, I saw her—hiding in the deep shadows of the living room. On the sofa. Nude, and yet somehow still managing to wear blue…”

Read the rest on Amazon.

24. Achieve immortality with biokinesis
You had me at “achieve immortality,” but now that you’re bringing biokinesis into this, I’m starting to think it’s some kind of a scam.

25. What if the glass cracks on nest?
Then you pick the steel on the town, then build a pork of the dream. What the hell are we talking about?!

Tree Shadows Winter Snow

Search Term Roulette: Winter Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats. Also, stop wearing hats indoors—it’s tacky and entirely unnecessary.

It’s December, so you all know what that means. It’s time for the traditional, quarterly search term roulette. I collect all sorts of wacky search terms that land people on my blog. Then I share them with you, for no other reason than to mock people. I have a dark soul and zero shame.

1. TV is zombies

That is a pretty shrewd observation. Most TVs are just waiting for you to drop your guard so they can drink your blood and remain immortal. No, wait, that makes them vampires. Did you say “zombies”? Don’t be ridiculous!

2. Why do I get blue screen when watching porn?

Absentminded cameraman who’s fascinated with clouds? You’re watching smurf porn? All of the above?

3. Can you spray hairspray on an attacker?

Only if he’s ready to look fabulous!

4. Mature mom brushing her teeth

So…is this a fetish thing? I’m not judging. All those bristles, gently touching the enamel, making it cleaner and cleaner…yeah OK, I don’t get it.

5. Why do men take women’s glasses off?

This is a natural reflex leftover from the old days—back when men used this trick to disorient women and escape their rampage by hiding inside makeshift nests. I’m not too big on history, but I’m pretty sure that’s accurate.

6. Virus with no Internet access

Probably rabies. Could be ebola too, though. Ebola’s really getting into this “Amish” thing lately.

7. Why would a guy wear sunglasses to a date?

That jerk! What next?! Is he going to put on a cap to shield his head from the sun, or something? Men these days have no respect.

8. Aaaaah

Yeah, the blog often gets this reaction from people. I’m working on it.

9. Sex+for+man+with+glasses


10. Penis shaped submarines

When the world’s navies troll each other, it’s the tax payers that pay the price.

11. Stupid things for kids to do with a treadmill

At least seven of those can be discovered by simply bringing a few kids into a gym.

12. Is someone post RIP on Facebook should I sorry for you lost?

With that grammar not probably is more best.

13. Dog expressed on me

I don’t think you know how words work.

14. Best reply when a girl replies hehe

Take off her glasses, then put on your sunglasses. No words necessary.

15. Why actresses love young boys?

They need the boys’ innocent souls to feed their own relentless hunger for money and fame. If only you consulted authoritative news sources like the Daily Mail and Fox News, you wouldn’t ask such uninformed questions.

16. Thanks to tell if it’s our baby doll is haunted

Goodbye to you and sorry for you lost.

17. Lawyer in clothes

I like how you felt the need to specify the “in clothes” part of that search. I shudder at the thought of what you’ve come across before using that search phrase.

18. List argument for and against pursuing

For: high-speed chase sequence, get to shoot gun at tires, action!

Against: hit fruit cart with car bumper, get expensive traffic ticket, poverty!

19. Ideas to stop people walking into glass doors

To stop them walking into glass doors? Why would you want to ruin a beautiful, beautiful thing?

20. Man with glasses fact

OK here’s one: He has more hinges on his face than most other people.

21. Rally shoelace

I won’t be surprised if that’s the name of the next Pixar movie, the way things are going.

22. What is the scope called that they use to look in your nose?

Nose-a-lookie? If it’s not, it really should be!

23. Your very sexy responses

Are just a small part of what makes me so awesome.

24. Giving thanks to eBay

More commonly known as Black Friday.

25. Idian bodo fucking Google

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Mainly because I don’t know what “it” is, in this case.

Orange Brown Autum Tree

Search Term Roulette: Autumn Edition

Can you feel it? Autumn’s in the air!

Leaves are turning yellow, days are getting shorter, armadillos are…doing whatever the fuck armadillos do when it’s autumn.

Here on Nest Expressed, it’s time for our seasonal edition of “Search Term Roulette”.

For those who don’t know, this segment is where I pick out real search terms that people use to find my blog. Then I have a little fun. Because what’s the point of having fun if you’re not going to have fun with losing your train of thought in the middle of the sentence and rambling on anyways, right?

I’ve written many of these before, by the way, all of which can be read by clicking right here.

Now, without further ado, search term roulette rolls on:

1. What is the best post apocalypse knife?

The best post apocalypse knife is a bazooka.

2. Jesus healing the troll

Aah yes, I too remember the famous story of Jesus healing the troll. The one where the troll licks Jesus’s feet while Jesus sings “Kumbayah” and turns the troll’s blood into wine. There are many lessons to be gleaned from that story, but the most important one is how you can’t survive with pure wine running through your veins.

3. How to respond to a sexy ass?

Assess usually demand respect, so you’ll do well to address them by “mam” and “sir”. Unless you’re dealing with a more informal ass, in which case a simple “Mr.” will suffice.

4. Why do I hate sexy texts from husband?

Because you have anger issues? Because your husband is dyslexic and keeps asking you to “luck his bowls”? I don’t know, lady, sort out your own problems!

5. Can the NYPD fire you at any time?

I didn’t think they could, but then one day I was in the office and a bunch of NYPD guys came up to me and were all like “You’re fired!”. And I was. Which is strange, seeing how I had a marketing job in Denmark. NYPD are a scary bunch.

6. Racist sounding foods

I hear bananas are the worst. They yap about how strawberries are all red and don’t do any real work and that half of them are from another bush. It’s disgusting. Or did you mean like “oranjews” or something? Internet is weird.

7. How to empty cow horn?

You have to gently lift the cow horn at a 90 degree angle and bring to about your eye level. Then, slowly, turn the horn ever so carefully towards the ground until the ectoplasmic residue pours out. Congratulations, you have emptied your cow horn!

8. Faint fall semi consciousness

Recovery drinking problem hospitalization. It’s the circle of life.

9. Dreaming about nesting dolls

No problem there. Some men sleep with blowup dolls, others dream about nesting dolls. Whatever works for you.

10. Dog lick man chest

Man orgasm then shame.

11. Best sound for an infomercial

BING! No, wait….DU DUUUUUUM. No no, wait, I got it. BABLAAAAAAAOOOO! Yeah, that’s the one!

12. Isn’t it funny how you would do anything for them annoying habit?

But then they go tell all their friends about the time they did and it’s all over. I hate that!

13. Don’t you think you’re too harsh where’s your manners?

Well you certainly raise a good point and fuck you, mind your own goddamn business.

14. Wear glasses get laid

That’s a pretty effective slogan, actually!

15. Why do Facebook strangers unfollow me?

I’ve read that question about ten times now and I think I lose an IQ point every time I do.

16. Is there any white rapper apart from Eminem?

No, obviously. Know your rap history! Rappers are like highlanders, there can be only one.

17. Most serious cereal

Not Crazy Flakes, that’s for sure. I hear Cap’n Crunch is pretty somber and has a very dry wit.

18. You have a sexy little butt text reply

Why thank you! My name is Daniel Nest, actually, but you’re welcome to call me “Text Reply” if you like.

19. Make motorbike

Don’t tell what I do! I leave Ukraine for not be told what do when. Bastard.

20. Mosquito hairspray

Now available! Is your mosquito as fabulous as it can be? Call now, and make your mosquito happy.

21. New laptop, can I watch porn?

No. New laptops are notoriously prudish. They won’t let you hear the end of it. Thanks, but no thanks!

22. How to draw a milk carton?

This may be tricky, but I’ll try to help. OK, place a pen on a white sheet of paper, now start moving it across the paper until the pattern it creates resembles a milk carton. You’re done!

23. Please not in my ass

This isn’t that kind of blog, but I see where you’re coming from.

24. Torture my cat games

Here’s a game for you, it’s called “See a shrink, psycho”. Tell me how it goes.

25. My girlfriend sneezed on me should I be mad?

She did WHAT?! How dare she even…Jesus, man. OK, dude, listen carefully. First, check if there’s an allergic reaction. Then carefully examine the point of impact to ensure there are no visible changes to the skin tissue. Good. Now, raise your right arm, open your palm and smack yourself really hard across the face. Now say “I won’t waste my time asking Google about stupid shit”. Repeat as necessary.


There Is MoreFor more stuff of this nature, check out:

I, spam collector: 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines