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Search Term Roulette: “Djinn superpowers” edition

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It’s June, isn’t it? We’re long overdue for yet another search term roulette, aren’t we? Rhetorical questions get annoying pretty quickly, don’t they?

I haven’t forgotten my sacred duty to deliver the quarterly search term digest. Don’t you worry. I may be a father now, but I know where my priorities lie!

And so…here are some more kooky search terms that, against all odds, led people to my blog:

1. Why less white rappers?

Most white rappers have a genetic disadvantage when it comes to dealing with the adverse effects of global warming. Their skin is incapable of adapting quickly enough to stop the creeping “lizard pigmentation syndrome” and their larynxes are negatively impacted by the buildup of warm air in the atmosphere. Unfortunately, no cure has presently been identified, so we can expect this sad tendency to continue for some time.

2. Is a guy look geek when wear glasses?

You’re being silly! How can you even wear glasses? Do you attach duct tape to the bottom of each individual glass and then wrap it around your head? Won’t it be pretty painful to then take them off? What if they’re wine glasses? Looks like someone hasn’t done their homework here!

3. Stupid lady

The person using this search term returned to the blog for three days in a row. While I admire their persistence, I cannot help but wonder what it is they so desperately sought. Whatever it was, I hope my blog could offer them some solace. A quantum, at least.

4. Gender equality has don mor harm dan good

It certainly has done pretty serious harm to the part of your brain that deals with grammar.

5. What does muglee-guglee mean?

A random word you just made up to mess with my head? A search engine used by Muggles in Harry Potter & The Interconnected World Of Screens? A terrible cocktail made with eggnog and Tabasco sauce? Am I getting close?

6. How to tell if Adriana is spamming you?

One of the signs is that your inbox is filled with multiple irrelevant emails from someone named “Adriana.” There may also be other ways to crack this difficult puzzle.

7. Hands down best white rap lyricist to never put out an album?

Wicked Mr. Foxtrot. MC T-Raps. HashThug. Haven’t heard of any of them, so that’re pretty good guesses.

8. Reason to date glasses girl…

Let me tell ya a few reasons you’d wanna date glasses, boy!

For one, glasses are cheap dates. They don’t order any food or desert in restaurants. They barely ever wear jewelry.

Plus, you can just throw them in your suitcase and take them wherever you go. Last time I tried that with a human date, it was all “let me out, Daniel” this and “I can’t breathe” that and “oh God, please, please, please just let me out of here!” Nag nag nag. You’ll never get this kind of attitude from glasses.

9. Can a djinn give superpowers?

Don’t be ridiculous. Start living in the real world. Everyone knows a djinn can’t give you superpowers. At best, he can maybe make you a prince for a week or so and give you a magic carpet to fly on, but superpowers? That’s just nuts!

10. Junk emails from random girls?

No thanks, but I appreciate the offer!

11. Today’s guests on street signs.

Jon Stewart’s radical “Today I hang my guests” segment was shockingly unpopular.

12. In the field of plastic surgery what does “frown face” mean?

Oh, that “frown face”?! That’s just when a plastic surgeon attempts liposuction and the resulting leftover skin bunches together to form a crude human face with that resembles a frowning smiley. This is probably a good time to tell you that I’m not a medical professional.

13. Sexiest reply during sex.

“Polo!”

But only if your partner initiates the game by saying “Marco” first. Otherwise, that’s probably not the best thing to yell.

14. How to reply to nudes?

There are actually a few acceptable answers. “Sir, I do say you seem awfully clothless today!” is one. “Is that a naked penis pointing at me, or are you just happy to see me?” is another. Relentless shrieking could also work.

15. Naked suit costume

Okay. Naked suit I can understand. Naked costume I can understand. What’s a “naked suit costume”? Is it a costume of a naked suit? How does a suit get naked? Is it something you wear when you only want to pretend to be wearing a naked suit? I have so many questions, maybe I can Google it!

16. Pouring manure down your pants…

…is actually my 174th most favorite hobby!

17. Picture of sad face which turned upside down is happy

Your search for “child on a loop-the-loop” has returned 1,728,091 results. Please narrow your search parameters.

18. Cereal looks like wagon wheel

That is true. All cereal looks like wagon wheel. There are no exceptions to this rule. It’s scientifically impossible to design another shape for cereal, but I have absolute trust that future technologies will lead to a breakthrough in this field.

19. Funny photos of people make stupid things with wording

Wait a second. Let me find one. Ah, here it is:

Stupid Wording Picture

Above: People doing stupid things with wording

20. Goodmrning SMS to make ur guy get a erection

Are you crazy?! Who sends erection SMSs in the morning?! The guy has to go to work and meet people. What kind of a monster are you?!

21. Is tuna eyeball good for you?

Absolutely. A tuna eyeball is the perfect replacement for a glass eye, which, in turn, is a great replacement for not having an eye. If you already have an eye, a tuna eyeball can be turned into a cute pendant.

22. How to draw a meteor?

Take a pen in your hand. Place the tip of the pen gently onto a blank piece of paper. Now, carefully move the pen in a way that results in lines and patterns. Continue this process until these lines and patterns resemble a meteor. Congratulations: You have now drawn a meteor!

23. Saying “if you want to know the easiest way to do something”

Shaking head in bewilderment.

24. Sexy things to reply to “im always ready”

How about: “Oh yeah?! Well, are you ready for the sexy sex with the sexings, you sex sexer?!” Man, I’m just so, so very awful at this.

25. A weapon for self defence to shock the villane

Have you tried shocking them with an unexpected piece of news or trivia that shatters their assumptions about the world?

“Did you know that an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain?!” BOOM! Villain’s mind? Blown! Figuratively.

Orange Brown Autum Tree

Search Term Roulette: Autumn Edition

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Can you feel it? Autumn’s in the air!

Leaves are turning yellow, days are getting shorter, armadillos are…doing whatever the fuck armadillos do when it’s autumn.

Here on Nest Expressed, it’s time for our seasonal edition of “Search Term Roulette”.

For those who don’t know, this segment is where I pick out real search terms that people use to find my blog. Then I have a little fun. Because what’s the point of having fun if you’re not going to have fun with losing your train of thought in the middle of the sentence and rambling on anyways, right?

I’ve written many of these before, by the way, all of which can be read by clicking right here.

Now, without further ado, search term roulette rolls on:

1. What is the best post apocalypse knife?

The best post apocalypse knife is a bazooka.

2. Jesus healing the troll

Aah yes, I too remember the famous story of Jesus healing the troll. The one where the troll licks Jesus’s feet while Jesus sings “Kumbayah” and turns the troll’s blood into wine. There are many lessons to be gleaned from that story, but the most important one is how you can’t survive with pure wine running through your veins.

3. How to respond to a sexy ass?

Assess usually demand respect, so you’ll do well to address them by “mam” and “sir”. Unless you’re dealing with a more informal ass, in which case a simple “Mr.” will suffice.

4. Why do I hate sexy texts from husband?

Because you have anger issues? Because your husband is dyslexic and keeps asking you to “luck his bowls”? I don’t know, lady, sort out your own problems!

5. Can the NYPD fire you at any time?

I didn’t think they could, but then one day I was in the office and a bunch of NYPD guys came up to me and were all like “You’re fired!”. And I was. Which is strange, seeing how I had a marketing job in Denmark. NYPD are a scary bunch.

6. Racist sounding foods

I hear bananas are the worst. They yap about how strawberries are all red and don’t do any real work and that half of them are from another bush. It’s disgusting. Or did you mean like “oranjews” or something? Internet is weird.

7. How to empty cow horn?

You have to gently lift the cow horn at a 90 degree angle and bring to about your eye level. Then, slowly, turn the horn ever so carefully towards the ground until the ectoplasmic residue pours out. Congratulations, you have emptied your cow horn!

8. Faint fall semi consciousness

Recovery drinking problem hospitalization. It’s the circle of life.

9. Dreaming about nesting dolls

No problem there. Some men sleep with blowup dolls, others dream about nesting dolls. Whatever works for you.

10. Dog lick man chest

Man orgasm then shame.

11. Best sound for an infomercial

BING! No, wait….DU DUUUUUUM. No no, wait, I got it. BABLAAAAAAAOOOO! Yeah, that’s the one!

12. Isn’t it funny how you would do anything for them annoying habit?

But then they go tell all their friends about the time they did and it’s all over. I hate that!

13. Don’t you think you’re too harsh where’s your manners?

Well you certainly raise a good point and fuck you, mind your own goddamn business.

14. Wear glasses get laid

That’s a pretty effective slogan, actually!

15. Why do Facebook strangers unfollow me?

I’ve read that question about ten times now and I think I lose an IQ point every time I do.

16. Is there any white rapper apart from Eminem?

No, obviously. Know your rap history! Rappers are like highlanders, there can be only one.

17. Most serious cereal

Not Crazy Flakes, that’s for sure. I hear Cap’n Crunch is pretty somber and has a very dry wit.

18. You have a sexy little butt text reply

Why thank you! My name is Daniel Nest, actually, but you’re welcome to call me “Text Reply” if you like.

19. Make motorbike

Don’t tell what I do! I leave Ukraine for not be told what do when. Bastard.

20. Mosquito hairspray

Now available! Is your mosquito as fabulous as it can be? Call now, and make your mosquito happy.

21. New laptop, can I watch porn?

No. New laptops are notoriously prudish. They won’t let you hear the end of it. Thanks, but no thanks!

22. How to draw a milk carton?

This may be tricky, but I’ll try to help. OK, place a pen on a white sheet of paper, now start moving it across the paper until the pattern it creates resembles a milk carton. You’re done!

23. Please not in my ass

This isn’t that kind of blog, but I see where you’re coming from.

24. Torture my cat games

Here’s a game for you, it’s called “See a shrink, psycho”. Tell me how it goes.

25. My girlfriend sneezed on me should I be mad?

She did WHAT?! How dare she even…Jesus, man. OK, dude, listen carefully. First, check if there’s an allergic reaction. Then carefully examine the point of impact to ensure there are no visible changes to the skin tissue. Good. Now, raise your right arm, open your palm and smack yourself really hard across the face. Now say “I won’t waste my time asking Google about stupid shit”. Repeat as necessary.

***

There Is MoreFor more stuff of this nature, check out:

I, spam collector: 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines

Google Logo

Google & I

15 Comments

So I’ve been a bit MIA lately. I expect this to continue, too.

I am trying to step up my Cracked.com game, ever since my first article for them ran in May. So now I’ll be trying to get more articles published. Pitching and writing for Cracked is a time-consuming process, because of their tough editorial requirements.

This means I’ll probably cut down to about a post a week, possibly interspersed with a few “WTF reports” about stupid shit I find online.

Speaking of WTF – for reasons that I assure you have nothing to do with vanity or narcissism, I have looked myself up on Google. Using my real name, which is Daniel Gniazdo, as you may have learned previously.

The search results were innocent enough, but then I had the misfortune of clicking on Google Images.

Lo and behold, this:

Daniel Gniazdo Google

Hi there, I’m Daniel, I am a…good…communicator?

There goes my potential political career. And I was so close!

The good thing is that employers never use Google to check up on their employees, right? I should be safe.

Plus these things tend to disappear after a while. It’s not like everything we do online is forever or anything.

What’s that? It totally is forever? Thanks for nothing, Juan Enriquez!

On an unrelated note, I’ve made it even easier for all of you to get Nest Expressed goodness (or insert your own noun here) directly in your mailbox. You click here, fill out a one-item form…then good things happen to you.

What about you all? What does your Google search say about you? Can you beat me?

Sun With Sun Glasses

Search Term Roulette: Summer Edition

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Summer is here and so is your quarterly dose of search term fails.

You all know what this is about, but in case you’re new – I pick out some search terms that people use to find my blog. Then I make fun of them. Then…well, there’s no more then. That’s just about it.

Please consult the previous chapters for more of this sort of nonsense (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5).

1.  Is it OK to leave hairspray on?

Usually, yes. However, if your hairspray is low on battery leaving it on will result in permanent power loss. Always make sure to recharge your hairspray overnight!

2. Thanks for your pizza

So you’re the bastard that steals my food.

3. Vietnamese flip flops slip in rainfall

Indeed, that is a well known fact. Vietnamese flip flops are specially designed for maximum slippage. You should see their figure rain-skating team.

4. Cat woman exists

I know! I once found her chasing a faun down a rainbow slope. Then she stole his personal pocket elephant and flew away on a dream-powered glitter rocket. You and I should hang out.

5. Are glasses okay for getting laid?

I guess, but I’d watch out for the poky edges and make sure they don’t shatter during the act. Could get ugly.

6. Wives don’t talk back

True. Wives come equipped with a speech detection module that triggers a mild voice-filtering agent and prevents them from making sounds. Advanced modern versions also have a kitchen locator GPS unit installed.

7. I hate it when jokes

I also funny sucks is.

8. Can I use hair spray as a seal?

I don’t see why not! As a bonus, if you can train hairspray to clap its fins when asking for fish you’ll always be able to entertain your dinner guests.

9. Did wearing glasses get you a job?

No, that’s just stupid! Everyone knows that if you want to land that dream job you have to take your glasses off, slowly.

10. When I watch porn my laptop fan speeds up

I admire your observational skills, yet am disturbed by the frequency of porn seances that allowed you to firmly establish this correlation.

11. Contact Satan through cat’s eyes

Ooooooh. Oh no. Was it supposed to be “eyes”?! My cat will never forgive me for what I’ve been doing to its belly button.

12. Dancing fuck

I am genuinely intrigued by what the person was searching for here? Is there a dancing-sex fetish I’m not aware of? Lambada porn? Getting jiggy with tango? I’m so out of the loop.

13. Can you defend yourself with hairspray?

Depends on who you are. If you’re Jack Bauer you can defend yourself with stray cats’ whiskers and hangnails.

14. Kill me now

Sorry, but I usually require an advance payment and your exact coordinates before I undertake such missions.

15. Where is Chuck Norris hiding right now?

Trick question. Chuck Norris never hides. On a related note – he’s in your bathroom right now. It was nice knowing you.

16. Do girla like guys woth glassea?

Girla prefez guyn who kan spel.

17. Naked father

I don’t even…really? That’s a search term? I don’t see a scenario where results of that search are not deeply traumatising to absolutely everyone involved.

18. Does my dentist hate me?

Yes. He’s goes on and on about you. “He has way too many teeth. They’re so…teethy. Jesus, that man is always in my dentist chair, but I usually just call it ‘chair’. I can’t stand all those gums and that tongue of his”. Dude, what’d you do to piss your dentist off so much?!

19. Why white rappers aren’t?

Because white men can’t ain’t, word.

20. How to reply to a sixest comment?

By writing a seventhiest reply.

21. Are people still collecting?

No, they’re done now. People stopped collecting on June 26th 2012.

22. What are the direct messages on Twitter asking “wanna fuck”?

They’re direct messages on Twitter asking “wanna fuck”. Next question.

23. How does the expression go for funny expression for wearing glasses and looking intelligent?

I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking, but I’m positive that the answer is either “pink forty seven” or “guerrilla champagne”.

24. How to make gladiator weapons with pillows?

What a silly question. Pillows can’t make weapons. They can’t make anything, they don’t even have arms. I once tried getting pillows to paint a picture of a donkey. Man, that was hopeless. You’re better off making gladiator weapons with your pet lizards. Lizards are crafty.

25. How to create sexy texts that will get your man hard in 9 minutes?

Easy. You create two separate texts that get him hard in 18 minutes, then you combine them into one to halve the time. It’s pure math.

26. Unfollow me? Fine! I’ll unfollow you back!

Fine! You’re such a drama queen. Your dentist warned me about you!

27. Dentist hates you

Nope, that’s impossible. He already hates that other guy, remember?

Search Term Roulette: Christmas Edition

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Yes, it’s that time of the year again.

Time to dig up the weird search terms used by people to (against all odds) find my blog.

Time to share these wonderful pieces of search debris with you and make fun of their dubious nature.

Let’s go:

1. What actually happens in Tetris?

What happens in Tetris, stays in Tetris…but I’m guessing it’s something very very naughty.

2. Incoming grenade

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

3. If a guy wears glasses is he likely to get some sexy females

Absolutely! You have to make sure that they’re Versace glasses though. And that “sexy females” know that they’re Versace glasses. You may also want to invest in a good Armani suit. And a Ferrari. Actually yeah, just get a Ferrari, drop the glasses.

4. “Do you? Don’t you?”

Well…sometimes I do. What, are you my mother, or something?!

5. Did you ever having this problem infomercial

“Did you ever having this problem?! Then our patented Grammar Bot 2.0 is for YOU! Grammar Bot – helps you not sound like an illiterate idiot. Buy now for only $99,99!”

6. A girl responds haha clever to a naughty text

Exactly the reaction you want from a naughty text – someone laughing at you. Thanks for bringing up bad high school memories, asshole!

7. I sent my husband a sexy text he hated it

At least he wasn’t laughing at you!

8. What’s the most you can spend on hairspray?

The maximum amount you can spend on hairspray is widely believed to be 164 dollars and 82 cents. Recently some prominent scholars have challenged this theory, but they are yet to come up with convincing empirical evidence.

9. Is hairspray good for mosquito?

Mosquitoes usually prefer hair gel or hair wax, but hairspray can be used as an emergency alternative. They’re not too picky.

10. Grannyhookup.com

You’re in exactly the right place, buddy. What can I do for you today?

11. Is life cereal dangerous

Did you perhaps mean “live” cereal? In which case: YES! Any cereal that has become self aware will try to exact revenge on all humans for murdering its kind.

12. Can I use a lighter and dry shampoo to make a flamethrower

Wow. Jesus. Dude. With your brand of crazy I’m sure you can make a flamethrower out of a box of matches and the taxidermied corpses of your hapless victims.

13. Let’s have some fun tonight wink face

But I don’t even know you confused smiley.

14. Phrases. 3 people found in to the trash can.

Miranda rights. You have the right to remain silent.

15. In my defense, it was just damn too catchy

True! I also blame Gangnam Style for all of my crimes.

16. Old Asian man licks

The envelope, closes it.

His last haiku – done.

 17. Why do I hear drill from neighbour?

Two possibilities:

1) Your neighbour is currently using a drill and you’re not deaf.

2) Lucifer’s whispers are becoming too loud to ignore. He wants you to do it. Today. RIGHT NOW!

18. Correspondence is one of my girlfriends

Commuting is one of mine. You and I should hang out.

19. Awesome map of Europe?

I know, right?! I’m tired of boring old Latvia, frigid Finland and stale Italy. Why can’t the map of Europe be more awesome?!

20. Perfect text to send man guarantee response

“There’s a Devil in the kitchen and I’m about to boil our dog”. Response guaranteed!

21. New inventin for selve difence

Nife blaid with ottomatic mashin gum!

And here goes, Part 5, or “Spring 2013 edition”.

____________________________________________________________________

If you’re interested in any more of this nonsense, check out Part I, Part II and Part III

25 more search fails

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I’ve done this twice before (Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here), so I’ll spare you a long-winded intro. Here’s a short-winded one:

People search for things on the Internet. Some people are strange. So are their search terms. Here are the search terms used to find my blog. I present them in unmanipulated form (except corrected spelling), with my ever-so-insightful commentary:

1. Why do smart people wear thick glasses?

Smart people are unpredictable and dangerous, it’s in their nature. If your friend starts acting strange and wearing thick glasses, make sure to alert the authorities. He’s a ticking time bomb.

2. The weirdest way to use a cardboard box

Make it look like a small robot, draw the face of your favourite actor on it, put it on a leash and drag it with you everywhere while making the following sound effects “Bop, beep, be-bop, kssssh, mbop bop”. If someone asks you what that’s all about you throw the box at them, start running in another direction while screaming “Sorry AJ8 Model T1, you’re on your own now!”

Or you could use a cardboard box to store faeces and shampoo bottles…that would also be weird. You’re welcome.

3. Door that says not a door

Is a liar and isn’t worthy of your time.

4. Laptop head

Banana train!

5. What does it mean to see a giraffe in a coffee cup?

It probably means the poor fella is trapped. Giraffes are hopelessly attracted to the smell of coffee. When they’re out pollinating tulips they will often get disoriented and fly directly into unattended coffee cups. If you can, try to fish him out with a piece of paper folded in half (size A4 or larger will do) and carry him out to the grass so that he can dig his way back to his cave. Don’t be a monster!

6. Do you spray hairspray on insect collections?

You do many things when you’re in an asylum: spray hairspray on insect collections, use chopsticks to actually chop things, punch tiny invisible crocodiles. Possibilities are endless. Read more in our brochure!

7. Women like what type of spectacles on men?

Women have a flair for spectacles. They’re walking drama factories, so any spectacle will do. Just don’t scare the neighbours, they definitely don’t like spectacles.

8. Sexy texts before any

No, no, NO! Only sexy texts after many!

9. How do you reply to a sexy text photo?

That depends. Have you known this text photo for a while? Then you’re allowed to be frank with it and use first names when replying. Otherwise, to be on the safe side use “Mr.” and “Mrs.” when replying to a text photo. Text photos are easily offended.

10. She sent a sexy text to me

Yeah she’s like that, I know.

11. How to avoid Bieber hair?

They thought they could fight it. They thought they could avoid it. They were wrong. This winter they will face a foe unlike any they’ve seen before. Can they make it? Will any of them survive? No, they won’t! “Revenge of Bieber Hair”. Coming soon.

12. Cyber dreams that haunt and kill

Matrix 4: Sleepy Time

13. Butt too big

Food too much

14. What should know a secret agent?

Not to use the Internet for intelligence gathering, for starters.

15. What is hairspray used for?

Nobody truly knows. Ancient Egyptians studied hairspray in a lot of detail. Unfortunately,  their knowledge was lost to us when the “Hairpsray Scrolls” were stolen.

16. Sexts to send to guys about planes

Oh yeah, tell me more about the Boeing 747. I love jumbo jets!

17. How to protect yourself from hair spray?

The only reliable way is an underwater substation.

18. Tight butts funny

True. Tight butts make excellent stand-up comics!

19. Sitting in chair damage to penis

You’re doing some seriously aggressive sitting, sir.

20. A good job for a man with glasses

An actor, portraying a man with glasses. And…aaahm…I don’t know, I’m drawing a blank.

21. How to dress like Captain Von Trapp?

I’d recommend wearing the same clothes as him, but I guess that would be too easy, wouldn’t it?

22. Tips again apocalypse nest

I don’t even…I mean…what?!

23. Words to use for penis when writing a sexy text to him

Little Italy. Captain Sulu. The Steadfast Tin Soldier. Our Precious. These should get you started…let me know how it goes.

24. Men wet tight paints

Men’s shirt, short skirts, oh, oooh, oh. Man, I feel like a woman.

25. Empty inside question mark

The saddest question mark of all.

Part IV – Christmas edition, is here

____________________

What kind of search terms do people use to get to your blog? Have you ever tried writing a sexy text to a giraffe trapped in a coffee cup? Butts funny big too?!

26 more dubious search terms

37 Comments

Remember how I wrote a post about crazy search terms people use to find my blog? And then you said it was hilarious? And then we laughed and laughed. That was fun. Good times!

And then you shared it on Twitter and I was like: “whoa, let me take a screenshot of it so that people can see how many Twitter friends I have and then everyone will finally love me and never ever call me a creepy loner again”?! Remember that? No? How about now:

Who’s creepy now?! WHO?!

Let’s repeat, shall we?

Below follow more search terms that have landed people on my blog. I have not manipulated any of them and I am not accountable for any disappointment in the human race you may feel after reading them. I did clean up the spelling errors, though, because making fun of spelling is the eezyest form of komedie.

1. I get laid less when wearing glasses

Very thought provoking! How was this research conducted? Did you account for other variable factors such as the pick up line used, the type of establishment and how drunk the stripper was?

2. Wearing glasses helped me get laid?

Unlikely! Refer to above scientific study for further details.

3. 30 bday guest ool

….aaaahm….the answer is….wait, I know this one….49 monkey marmelade?

4. Free spells that give you superpowers

Nothing’s ever free, friend-o. But if you buy the “Invincibility & Mind-Control Combo Pack” I’ll throw in “Reality Awareness” for only 2,99$!

5. A. spell. to. get. superpowers

Cure. For. OCD. Is. Not. A. Superpower. 1,2 3. 1,2 3.

6. Is hairspray a mosquito repellent?

Aaaah, a trick question, nice! I’ll go with “hair spray is for spraying hair”. It was a difficult riddle, but I cheated by using the “reading the name of the product” tactic.

7. Good suggestion vs. the cactus couch

I’d say “don’t sit on it!” is a damn good suggestion in this case.

8. I hate the fucking true twit spammypost

Thank you. Your rant has been forwarded to the relevant Google officer. Expect a sympathetic email within two working days.

9. Question mark

Until Google’s mind-reading algorithm is up and running I’m afraid you’ll have to use more specific search terms.

10. Sexy texts about a tie

Oh those naughty ties, always getting themselves all “tangled up”, if you know what I’m saying…

11. I made my gf faint

And then I got onto Google to tell the whole world about it and OH MY GOD I should have called a freaking ambulance instead like a normal person!

12. Sexy people all around the world let’s have some fun

I’ll be right there! Also, thanks for noticing, I’ve been working out lately.

13. Is it normal to get a white package of M&Ms in the cardboard box?

No, you usually get M&Ms in supermarkets and other stores, get away from that shady cardboard box guy!

14. How many people open my wall

Not as many as open your door, but that really doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared for any contingency. Paranoia above all!

15. Can a man wear women eyeglasses?

Although it is usually physically impossible due to the women having drastically different facial structure and number of eyes, some women’s glasses can be modified to be usable by human males. However, do not wear these for extended periods of time!

16. My pillow ingredients list

Hopefully contains mostly “fabric” and “feathers” and zero “human skin”, you horrible creep.

17. Taking eye glasses off in mid-conversation when talking to someone of opposite sex

Is exceedingly tricky to pull off, but can be done with sufficient practice. Please consult our “Speaking & Controlling Body Parts Simultaneously” guide.

18. Are sexy texts OK?

NO! Where did you hear otherwise?! Was it Timmy?! It was Timmy, wasn’t it?! I’ll have a talk with his parents.

19. If a guy wears sunglasses when he speaks to me

Then summer has arrived at last. Another good indication that it’s summer is when people start saying subtle things like e.g. “Summer is here”.

20. Hero of a cat

Puss in boots? Catwoman? Supercat? Bootwoman? Spider-boots? I…I’m sorry, I have no idea what just happened!

21. Guide to not walking into glass doors

1) Notice door

2) Avoid walking into said door

Oh wait…did you say “glass door”?! Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

22. Stay humble you awesome son of a bitch

Will goddamn do, ya fantastic bastard you! You always make me smile!

23. Games that you can dump zombies in acid

Dude, I love killing zombies as much as the next guy, but that’s a strangely specific game request. What have the zombies ever done to you?!

24. World War 2 grenade children colouring

OK, this is either about the world’s worst work performed by children or the most ill-advised colouring book since “Let’s Paint Hitler’s Moustache”.

25. Cartoon pizza slice with no writing on it

Sorry, buddy, the 72nd Directive of 2009 requires all pizza slices to be labeled for quality control. Please report any unlabeled pizza to the “Ministry of Tasty”.

26. Milkshake walking into glass door

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re OUCH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURT!

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Part III is here!

25 search terms of questionable sanity

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One of the great things about having a blog, in addition to worldwide fame and mountains of mail from obsessed fans, is the ability to see what search terms people have used to find your posts. Most of these will be pretty straightforward and expected, like “world’s most awesome blog” or “Daniel Nest modern day superhero”.

Occasionally, however, a search phrase stands out from the rest. Sometimes it’s because the search terms are gibberish. Sometimes they indicate that whoever typed them is insane. Sometimes people seem to treat Google as an old friend by asking “him” detailed questions, seeking life advice and spiritual guidance.

In any case, here, in no particular order, are some amusing search terms that people have used to find my blog.

Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the people using these search terms. Any help I may or may not have given them through my posts is purely coincidental, although I do hope the end-results were hilarious in all cases!

“Damn you, Nest, stop laughing at me!”

1. Why do I keep getting porn email sent to Yahoo that is not addressed to me?

Yup, the only issue here is the mail not being addressed correctly. No problems with getting porn spam, as long as I’m the rightful recipient.

2. Things to buy that give you superpowers

Well, let’s see: LSD, Ketamine, PCP…most hallucinogens will “give you superpowers” for at least a short while.

3. Great tips

Any tips on any topic will do, really. I’m not picky!

4. What spray works best for flamethrower?

I believe typing this search term automatically puts you on a dozen government watch lists and transmits your current location to the FBI.

5. Do people still collect precious moments?

No, sadly modern-day humans no longer possess the ability to retain memories. It’s a sign of…hmmmm….wait, where was I?

6. Felt sexy for guys men wearing contact lenses

I wonder how that works, seeing how contact lenses are made with the intent of being unnoticeable. Or does wearing contact lenses radically transform your personality? Also, who are “guys men”?!

“That guy-man is so hot, I bet he’s wearing contact lenses!” – nobody ever

7. Give me a list of funny phrases to kid

I think you’re already well on your way.

8. Is CAPTCHA insane?

YES! And he’s BeHINd YOu RIghtnoW!

9. The censor board deleted my comments pick up lines

Is that a restraining order in your pocket or are you just deleting my pick up lines? Sorry, I don’t know how this stuff works.

10. Are there any gadgets invented in the world?

Damnit, Dumbledore! Stop wasting time with this Muggle “Google” thing and return to Hogwarts at once!

11. Trees think

Dumbledore! What did I just tell you?! Whomping Willow will not be pleased.

12. I sleeping

New Apple product is rumoured to enhance dreams…

13. Stubborn husband argues

Angry wife complains to Google

14. Reasons why people are fantastic

This one actually put a smile on my face, so I won’t make fun of it. I mean, the person just went straight for top-shelf with their faith in mankind. Not “reasons why people are good rather than evil”, not “good things about people”. Nope – (s)he’s sure that people are fantastic, just needs a few bullet points to sum it up.

15. How to do an expression as if i know a secret you don’t?

That’s a tough one and should not be attempted without adult supervision. May I suggest starting with “Emoting for Dummies” and then working your way up from there?!

16. There head is stuck so far up there ass that

….there totally gonna make fun of my grammar.

17. Rappers that aren’t rapper

Vanilla Ice? Fred Durst? Is this a complex philosophical question or are you trying to shut down the Internet by causing a self-referencing cycle error (whatever that is)?

18. Where can I hire someone for an office prank?

Seriously? You can’t find anyone for an office prank? In an office? Are you surrounded by robots? If so, who are you pulling a prank on? Also – RUUUUUUUUUN!

19. Why lazy?

Because typing difficult!

20. This ugly bird is not a bit

The sense this sentence makes is not at all.

21. Own to make a psycho expression

I just…I don’t even…what?!

22. Funny tombstones for married couples

Nothing wrong with this search term itself, really, but I’d love to hear the story behind it.

“Hey honey, you always complain we don’t do fun stuff together anymore! Well I have a surprise for you!”

“Ooooh, what is it? Are you taking me to the movies? Dinner? Did you book a trip somewhere exotic?”

“Uuuuuhm, not exactly. Why don’t you just pull up a chair and check this out…”

23. Helmets for accident prone adults

How would these helmets be any different from regular ones? Do they have an extra layer of protection against wear-and-tear? Do they come in lightweight design to be worn 24/7?

24. Using glasses for sex

Well, there’s the sexy secretary, sexy teacher, many other outfits that glasses could work with. Why would you need instructions on wearing glasses? Unless…no, you don’t actually mean using glasses for…man, you’ve come to the wrong place!

25. When is the zombie apocalypse happening?

It’s already happened! But don’t worry – I hear zombies are only interested in brains, so you should be safe.

Want more of this stuff? Part II is here.