Today Ruan gives us his expert insights into the workings of secret agents, gathered primarily from movies, books and [censored]. Enter Ruan:

So you just started out as a secret agent and you don’t know where to start, don’t worry, everything will come naturally to you in a few seconds and you’ll have a life full of adventure and secret exploding tapes to fill a life time. For those few seconds however we give you this list to prepare yourself for what you’re about to get into.

4. When the odds are against you, you’ll always pull it off

As a secret agent, you’ll be pretty good at the things you do. Saving cities, rescuing gorgeous hostages and dismantling nuclear warheads. You’ll excel, however, when the odds are against you. Two hundred ninjas will jump you in the alleyway but you’ll defeat them with the help of a spatula and tweezers. Another example is when you’re being lowered into the piranha infested water when you’ll flick off your shoe with great dexterity which miraculously ricochets off the wall, smacking the villain in the head, who then falls unconsciously on top of the lever which hauls you to safety.

Just yesterday I saw Agent [Censored] shoot down a helicopter with nothing more than a clip-on tie and a spoon.

3. Secret storage space is always conveniently close

When you’re a secret agent it’s always good to have a secret storing space for all of your equipment. You never know when the agency thinks you’re going rogue and then cuts you off from all of your equipment and finances. Finding the best spot to hide your backup equipment and cars is ideal and you should look for large containers and storage areas. Use old storage units or trains and modify them to make them secure, add some big LCD’s and robots to impress hostages and guests.

2. Cars crashing everywhere, you’ll still be fine

When you join the service you’ll notice there are a lot of expensive car chases. Don’t worry about if you’ll leave a scratch on a car because your car will most likely be totalled and you’ll still be fine. I remember on my first few days, working at [Censored], I must have totalled nine Ferrari’s, eight Lamborghini’s and 18 Mini Coopers. While you’re at it you might as well do some car tricks and tick them off on your personal list of one’s done, the tricks impress the ladies as well.

1. Perfect perfectness

Before I was approved as a secret agent my hair always fell out of place, I had morning breath and my stomach was pretty flat but undefined. As soon as I got the “this letter will explode” announcement my hair jumped into place, my morning breath became the scent companies bottle as perfume and my stomach moulded itself into rock hard abs. Gone are the days when I run in the rain and strong winds and need to comb my hair again. Strangely enough, the agency made me sign a contract stating that I must always walk slow motion out of the ocean or swimming pool when I’m wearing trunks…odd. Enjoy the new look, Agent!

This article will self-destruct in 5…4…

Ruan is an experienced content writer and avid reader of the James Bond series. He may not be a secret agent (duh!), but he still has fun hiding in plastic bins and making weird contraptions out of chrome wire shelving and tin foil.