Silhouette of a man's face

We all know who the terrorists are

I might offend some people, but it has to be said.

I think it’s time we called a spade a spade.

It’s very clear from the recent terrorist attacks in Paris, Beirut, over Egypt, and elsewhere that all these terrorists have one thing in common:

They all wear shoes.

I know, I know. Not all people who wear shoes are terrorists. I’m not implying they are.

In fact, some of my good friends wear shoes. Many shoe-wearers are polite, considerate people like you and I.

But still…when so many shoe lovers out there are committing crimes, one has to wonder, right?

Worst of all, I didn’t hear any sneaker fans speaking out against the attacks. If they don’t agree with them, why don’t they make a public apology on behalf of all boot-wearing people everywhere? Why haven’t giant shoe peddlers like Nike and Adidas issued a statement about this? It’s quite suspicious! It’s as if they’re passively encouraging terror.

That’s why I don’t think footwear users belong in our civilized society. It’s obvious now that many of them are here to harm us. Our policy of embracing multishoeism has failed. We would be safer if they were somewhere else.

As such, I propose we deny citizenship to any person found wearing shoes. They should all go back to their home countries, wherever they may be.

You might hate me for saying this. You might even call me a shoeist. But someone had to have the courage to single out a group of people and point an angry finger at them!

Might as well be me.

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I leave you with an older video of Reza Aslan, a man far more educated on these topics than I am, highlighting the dangers of generalizing:

You can help the victims of Paris attacks here. You can help refugees here.

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