25 ridiculous spam lines: part four

Look, I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen. When I wrote the original post with these spam lines, I sort of predicted I may write one more, two more maximum.

It appears I have grossly underestimated the amount of creative potential the penile spam industry has. Seriously, if people channelled this kind of thought and dedication into science and medicine we’d have hoverboards that shoot laser beams and cancer-curing toothpaste by now. But, you know, I guess endless spam is the next best thing.

I’ve done the intro three times now (read those other three posts, they’re pretty awesome), but here’s a recap:

All of the below are one-sentence quotes from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox, followed by my ever-so-wise commentary. The spam lines are not altered in any way, they are really this retarded. I’ve even left the typos and spelling errors in there while copy-pasting. Let’s go:

1. Ask and you shall be given – extra inches now possible

Brought to you by the Big Book of Kama Sutra Psalms, Matthews 7:7.

2. Be the Pied Piper of chicks

You too can drown hordes of women in the ocean with the help of our pills!

3. All the girls will want you more after you have this

Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want any Justin Bieber albums.

4. The most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions available here

Most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions?! Directly in my spam folder? How can I lose?!

5. Butts that look awesome

Words that have nothing to do with anything.

6. Make your nightly romps more wild

Jolly good, sir! My nightly romps shall be most smashing indeed!

7. Your lady will be clamoring to copulate with you every night

While you continue attempting to alliterate awkwardly…

8. Great fun is guaranteed once your pecker becomes a monster

Not a big fan of Pokemon, but to each his own, I guess.

9. Be the master of the bed

“Come here bed. Good. Now sit, siiiiit! Good bed!”

10. Attract the RIGHT girls with wonder pills

Everyone knows the right women are only attracted to guys who get pills from spam emails.

11. Look, it really works, you should try these organ enhancment organic pills

Chapter One of The Perfect Salesman’s Guide. Chapter Two: “Come on you guys, it’s like, really good stuff and everything!”

12. Wow, this is amazing

I think you can teach the “look, it really works” guy a thing or two!

13. I feel like the master of the universe with a might 9inch bazooka.

Yes, I’m sure that downsized versions of conventional military weapons are exactly what will win the Great Intergalactic Wars in 2173.

14. Just two pills for instant satisfaction

Ecstasy pills have already been invented. Great timing there, buddy!

15. She will surely pounce on you

Because all guys like their women feral and murderous!

16. Take pills today, get an increased size tomorrow

Contact us right now to hear about our other deferred delivery plans…

17. Secret lab research released white paper confirming the success in increasing male length within 2 months

Does the lab know that a pretty big part of “secret” research involves not publishing a goddamn white paper about it?!

18. The boy who cried wolf

Oh yeah, I know that story, it’s about that guy who kept mentioning the same thing over and over until nobody listened to him anymore. What does it have to do with these endless emails you keep on sen…ah, I see what you did there.

19. Test subjects have shown amazing growth from 1.5 to 3 inches over 2 months

So now that you have managed to create oversized rats, I guess Planet Of the Apes is only years away?

20. Rare footage of Rosario Dawson and Mike Myers getting hot with each other

Finally, my dream of seeing a Shrek sex tape has come true!

21. When Ally McFeal shows up in court in her micro-miniskirt and NO panties, the jury sizzled

“Micro-mini skirt”? Is that like a “retarded-stupid spam email”?

22. Your bedroom will sizzle after this

Noted, I’ll have the fire department on speed dial!

23. The TV used to be her favorite night program, now she just stares at my new found man meat.

I have no doubt that starting idly at your schlong is a fun hobby for someone whose favourite night program used to literally be “a TV-set”.

24. Obama grows great length through herbal supplements

I told you all he had a hidden agenda with that whole healthcare reform!

25. Why waste any more time

Agreed! “Empty Spam“, *click*

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines

Welcome back to yet another instalment of the “spam lines” series. The two first entries are found here and here.

In collecting these spam sentences I’ve learned an important lesson about spammers: they never run out of creativity. So many different spam messages out there. The scary implication of this is that somewhere there’s a person who is coming up with all this stuff. A full time spam copywriter, if you will.

I wonder how a job interview for such a position goes?

“OK, you seem to have a decent command of English. You also display a complete lack of morals and respect for fellow human beings. Sounds like you’re our guy! But I have to ask you this: how are you with tacky penis related puns?”

“Let me just say I can’t wait to become a member of your organisation.”

“You’re hired!”

“Thanks! I’m like Charles Dickens of spam writing.”

“Yes, ahem, you may stop now.”

“Wow, check out this huge package!” “OK, seriously, please stop!”

Quick recap for newcomers – all of the below are one-sentence lines from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox. They are not altered in any way, as unbelievable as that may be. Let’s go:

10. See Batdude and Throbin get it on as they fight crime and sex together

Thanks, but I think I prefer the more subtle sexual tension between original Batman and Robin.

9. Boobs as big as balloons

From puns to alliteration – you’re making progress! Metaphors for sex are next on the list, I assume?

8. European Union makes decision to import herbal supplements

EU sanctioned enlargement pills? Well, as long as it helps strengthen the euro I’m all for it! And no, “strengthen the euro” is not a euphemism, but you’re welcome to use it in your next email.

7. Progress from love guru to sex magnet

Thanks for acknowledging my already impressive “love guru” status. I’m flattered! Carry on:

6. You know you are a great lover and your girl craves for you every night without fail

Stop it, you’re making me blush! Also, for how long have you been corresponding with my girlfriend?

5. Larger is stronger is better

McDonald’s Quadruple Big Mac – available now!

4. Impress all in the locker room

Haven’t we already been through this in my first post, Little John? Stop projecting your insecurities onto others.

3. Forget the old memories where you pals laughed at you in the locker room, grow larger today

Oh, Little John…you poor bastard…

2. Hear ladies scream in bed

I’m not a big fan of horror movies and this one sounds pretty generic to me so far.

1. Stop wasting time flirting with the ladies, all you need is a huge pecker

I must admit that woodpeckers have their sexy side, but I think I’ll stick to the ladies for now, if you don’t mind.


19/07/2012: Why yes, of course there’s Part Four, right here.