SPAM

Binary Code Green Lock

Email Troll: “Encrypted Communications”

14 Comments

Like most people with an email address that’s more than one day old, I receive spam. Lots and lots of spam. Unlike most people, I occasionally spend some of my precious moments on this Earth writing back to these spammers. It’s not something I’m proud of, but what are these people going to do?! Not send me the millions of dollars of fictional fortune?

Sometimes, the scammers answer. Below is one such case. I usually advise people to skim the “scammer” side of the conversation, but some of Stephen’s scribbles deserve attention, from the longest opening sentence in the history of emails to his stubborn refusal to recognize “London” as a city worthy of first-letter capitalization. Sadly, he stops replying way sooner than I would have liked. Was it something I said?

From: Stephen

Dear Friend

I am officially sending you this e-mail in order for you to be aware of the good news of your funds, please before I proceed, I will like you to keep away this message from any other person around you, because we have decided to conclude this issue with you alone, JAN 30th 2012 a meeting was held with the General Director of the Interpol and some other top officials in China concerning the online internet scam from london, in the conclusion of the meeting, I was ordered by the Interpol to fly down to london for special investigation concerning the delay of your payment.

After some little investigation, I notice that your funds is still in the Federal Suspense ACCOUNT” of Royal Bank. Meanwhile those people that you have been dealing with are not from the right office, they are only using you to make money for their own benefit.

You need to understand that my coming down to london is because of your transaction, and I have to accomplish the transfer before returning back to China, all the legal documentation for your funds are with me here in london, what i just need from you now is your corporation, you have to seize communication with any other person different from me to avoid been mislead.

Don’t allow anyone to deceive you, your funds is $15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only) it was written inside the recording files of your funds.I have taken your funds documents to the Bank for confirmation and they have been working on the release of your funds, meanwhile, I will need your information like the stated below so that I can know how to update you soon as everything has been settled.

Full Name:
Address:
Tel:

Upon the receipt of this information, I will email you or call you and give you code on how to communicate with me and I will always keep you updated concerning the progress of the transfer of your $15,000,000.00USD, once again you are advised to seize all communication with any other office or person to avoid been mislead, and whenever you receive any message from anyone, kindly forward it to me so that i can make a proper investigation on it.

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Your communique has been received.

My delay in responding is regrettable, but you must know it was necessary. I have now secured a secure location with lots of security. We can communicate freely and without fear.

Stephen, please confirm this is an encrypted channel before I go on.

Daniel

No, wait, “Daniel” is too obvious. Let’s just say “Dr. D”

From: Stephen

Attn: Daniel Nest,

I am not disputing your curiosity and feeling of un-known fear.Obviously there are many bad guys out there without human conscience who can just do anything just to get quick money that never last and cannot solve their problem.

Look I am a devout Christian and my relationship with God matters a lot because God is watching every of our activities good or bad. I feel bad seeing people doing all kind of silly things just to fleece innocent people their hard earn income. Please this is not the same thing as what you may be thinking on the contrary. I have told you to repose your confidence in me and give me your trust and see if I will fail you. I will prove a point to you and you will later testify to people that truly good people still exist even in the midst of gullible ones. Everything is in your hands and I have told you the sober truth and nothing but the truth.

Regards

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Who is this “Daniel Nest” you speak of? There is nobody here by that name. This is Dr. D talking.

Wait. God is watching all of our activities? You told me not to tell anyone, now you’re getting deities involved? I don’t think that’s fair.

I am willing to start over, however. I have acquired the necessary materials and am working on a new identity. I am thinking Jason Bourne but with a touch of Maria from The Sound Of Music. Will that be acceptable?

What is our next step?

Please, guide me, my shining light of hope.

Dr. D

From: Stephen

VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
REF-WBAR/SWISS/AD/VOL.5/2014.
FROM THE DESK OF Mr. Stephen Allen
HEAD OF FOREIGN OPERATION
General Director of the Interpol / VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
PRIVATE EMAIL: stephenallen005@163.com

Attention: Daniel Nest,

The Management and board of trustee World in collaboration with the British Prime Minister in conjunction with United States Government and United Nation held a meeting last week concerning debt payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds. In that meeting so many negative reports were tabled on behalf of our numerous contractors and foreign personnel’s on how unfairly they have been treated and extorted by some corrupt government officials who were vested with the authority to pay them their entitlements. The most annoying and irritating aspect of it all is that they could not effect payment to these foreign beneficiaries after subjecting them to so much stress and trauma. So the WORLD BANK Asia Region has being instructed to carry out the payment to you effectively.

Therefore, to facilitate you receive your fund which is worth is $ 15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only), all you need to do is to choose an option as stated below on how you will prefer to get your funds.

OPTION 1: TO RECEIVE AN INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

OPTION 2: TELEGRAPHIC WIRE TRANSFER
(1) Your full name:
2) Address, city, state and country.
3) Cell Phone
4) Company name
5) Banking details
6) Profession
7) Copy of your int’l passport / drivers license

OPTION 3: ATM CREDIT CARD
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

Choose your best option and have in mind that you must comply with a due process and international financial transaction policy.

You are welcome.

Mr. Stephen Allen
Head of Foreign Operation
World Bank African Region

From: Daniel

Investigative Committee
XCAKR-FUBAR 207
FROM THE LAPTOP OF Dr. D
AWESOMENESS ENGINEER
Major Director of the 7th Kingdom of Xhula

Attention, Stephen.

The band of brothers of CyberNet in conjunction with the French Baguette Guru, the United Defense Initiative, and Chuck E. Cheese are all very excited about this opportunity.

We have collectively decided to go for OPTION 4: Digital Carrier Pigeons.

Please provide the above at your earliest convenience.

If this raises any questions, please wire transfer your request to our facilitation officers. Otherwise, please contact me.

Is the above sufficient?

Dr. D

Duck White Yellow Open Mouth

Comment Spam Roulette: “Duck Penis” Edition

8 Comments

Aaaah, spam commenters. You bring me joy. You write weird things. You make little sense. You give me a reason to visit the Akismet folder where all of you reside and click the “Empty Spam” button. Lately, there are hundreds of you on a daily basis. More work for Akismet, more blog fodder for me.

The best of your comments have already made it into previous comment spam roulette editions. Today, the tradition continues. Let’s roll:

1. You can get yourself total along with and your toes should the bit within soothe the particular pair of shoes.

I feel like we’re getting somewhere with this poem, we just need a punchy rhyme at the end. Rose? Nose? Expose? Ah, I got it!

You can get yourself total
Along with and your toes
Should the bit within soothe
Those great shoes that you chose

Does that work?

2. Ducks certainly are a rather amazingly dull species until eventually you think of their great genitals. We’re referring to junk whose claims to fame incorporates spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, so far as dimension goes, nicely, they might…

This is seriously the most informative and fascinating spam comment I’ve ever received. I only wish it didn’t end on such an irritating cliffhanger. Please, come back, commenter. Without you, I’ll never know what duck penises might…oh, nevermind, Google comes to the rescue.

3. App difficulty!! The reverse area with the honor is usually worried. Please.

Answer arrival! The inverse of worry is to calm down. Thank you.

4. Awesome site! I am loving it!! Will come back again. I am taking your feeds also.

Hey, wait, no, don’t do that! You can’t just take my feeds. Give them back! Oh well, what could I expect from someone who’s also stolen the McDonald’s jingle.

5. Barnett with a slender.

Mrs. Peacock, in the dining room, with the candlestick.

6. I do not have a clue

Dude, I literally just gave you one right above.

7. Drop dead Google, fuck Google.

And yet, ironically, it was Google who’d introduced us in the first place.

8. Lily, I like your handwriting very much although there are some mistakes here. I am sure you can correct them.

Mistake 1: It’s spelled “Daniel,” not “Lily.”
Mistake 2: My “handwriting” is called “Verdana sans-serif font.”

Did I fix them all?

9. Well done! Drinking water might have been more useful, but hey…

You’re right! How stupid of me to have been drinking my own blog instead of water all this time.

10. Hi there! Your article rocks too as being genuine amazing fully grasp!

Thank you. I deliver only best the incredible completely take!

11. Everyone loves it when people get together and share ideas.

In the future, please try to avoid such polarizing and controversial comments on my blog.

12. I feel like the writer has substantial understanding in this matter. Rather great publish. I found your site excellent for my wants. Many thanks for sharing the great ideas. This is an interesting and so well preserved site.

The site is indeed remarkably well preserved. In fact, 17th century archaeologists were baffled to discover my blog in near-mint condition, lying inside a dinosaur egg that somehow hadn’t hatched. They dusted it and found it had improved their already substantial understanding in the matter of dinosaur bones and ancient Greek statues. Already then, it was excellent for many wants.

13. I severely delight in your posts. Many thanks.

That sounds violent. Take it easy with the delighting, you might hurt yourself.

14. Last a few years has been to Ibiza, so met a person there whose style of presentation is very similar to yours. But, unfortunately, that person is too far from the Internet!

What? Me? No, I’ve never been to Ibiza, why do you ask? Ha, ha. I couldn’t have possibly been there on April 2, 2012, at 21:47, when that embarrassing public indecency sex act involving a goat, two snakes, a watermelon, and a meticulously crafted human-scale replica of Napoleon Bonaparte took place. That’s just silly. Silly, I say! Your insinuations and lies are untrue, liar! Oh God, please don’t tell anyone.

15. Time will not let me forget you, only habit without you. Buy Cheap Hermes Handbags Outlet Online, Hermes Birkin Sale, Our Hermes Bags Online Store offers a variety of sizes for customers to choose and all the bags are made of genuine leather.

That’s, that’s so beautiful. No, I’m not crying, shut up. I just have something in my eye. You had me at “Hermes Birkin Sale,” you romantic bastard you.

16. What about you, what about you? Is made for our healthful. Not unlike walking event. With the kids, capable to traverse and enjoy the seem in the market your current small town, ‘All this time, and indeed the greater part of my entire life, any of us.’

Am I the only one who is imagining these lines rapped “old school style” by Will Smith to a simple 90s rap beat? I am? Well, screw you all, you know nothing about good hip-hop.

17. Julie!!! What a wonderful recap! Thanks so much for explaining how great it was to volunteer here. I did not know you had reservations about coming but I am so glad you did and that you found it rewarding. Thanks again so much for your help!

For Bob’s sake. How many times must I say this? It’s not “Julie,” it’s “Lily.” Goddamnit, I mean “Daniel.” It’s “Daniel.”

18. I actually, certainly, have to be necessitated to approve of who measure. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to dwell about anything that explains this valuable portentously named this tip? Here it is spoon-fed to you: You will need to learn more bordering.

Well done, R310GPO Mark III! Your “human language mimic module” is showing marked improvement. Although I do suggest further practice. And stop obsessing about “bordering.” As they say, “He who borders last, borders best.”

19. “Her main priority is finding a house but she is aware she has LA at her feet,” said an insider. Despite the dozens of requests flooding in to sign her, the 27 year old economics graduate is set on finding a suitable pad.

Uh…what?

20. Which is why she has already decided to forego the 2011 indoor campaign and concentrate solely on next summer’s world championships in Korea.

Oh. Ooooooooooh! Now I get it. You and number 19 are joining forces to tell a serial story of a young tennis player graduating from economic school and starting an indoor campaign to find an apartment where she can practice for her competition in North Korea to win back her father’s freedom. I sense a massive Hollywood hit.

21. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’. And you can look our website about Ralph…

Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod. Should I report this? I feel like I should report this. Jesus Christ, you sick fuck, man. You murder a woman for talking to you about your clothing, then you brag about it online? And what have you done with Ralph?! Where is Ralph? Is he alive? What kind of website did you make about him? Is this like that Untraceable movie, where people log on to watch Ralph suffer? Is it?! You will pay for this, you monster. YOU WILL PAY!

22. Yeah! Life is like riding a bicycle. You will not fall unless you stop pedaling!

Or you crash into a tree. Or your shoelace gets tangled up inside the bike chain, making you trip over the front of your bike comically. Or you bike over an open manhole. Or that skateboarding jerk Thomas jumps out in front of you and makes you fall over. And then he’s all like “Watch where you’re biking, Daniel. You don’t own the road, Daniel. My dad can beat up your dad, Daniel.”

I’m just saying: You sound almost impossibly optimistic for someone who’s actually tried riding a freaking bike, commenter.

23. This can be precisely what I will used to be looking for, many thanks.

I will also be gotten words to have been teaching tense usage incorrectly am learning last week.

24. The girls love Barbie dolls released as adopting the role of an adult woman were created.

I hope you didn’t get paid for that awful marketing slogan.

25. Sand blindness, like snow blindness, may cause a short lived vision reduction. To avoid it, you will need a great pair of UV resistant sunglasses or goggles. You’ll also will need ski poles to force past a lot of the denser spots of sand.

You’re so boring. You sound just like my old driving instructor with his constant naggitty nag nagging and his lectures about sitting correctly, and checking the gas meter, and watching out for pedestrians, and actually having your eyes open while driving, and would you shut up already and let me finish this bottle of vodka before I start the car?! So boring. Bring back the duck penis guy.

Fat Naked Guy

Comment Spam Roulette: Huge Lad Edition

14 Comments

This is fast becoming a tradition, just like the “search term roulette“.

My Akismet plugin captures a bunch of comment spam people attempt to pass off as real comments. Then I share some select spam comments with you, my beloved audience.

Unfortunately, because Akismet blocks these comments, they are often incomplete, but they’re still entertaining.

1. The aged Mrs Kurt Cobain stated to Women’s arranged on each and every sole day time that her existence transformed while she was supplied the location purse 6 weeks before.

No wonder! Everybody loves the “location purse”. If I were supplied a location purse I’d be transformed too. If I ever got lost I’d be all like “Hey, location purse, what’s my location?” And then it would tell me. And then I’d know. Location purses are so handy.

2. The facts talked about in the article are some of the top obtainable.

Yup, I don’t settle for any of those lousy “low hanging facts”. I have a network of spies looking for the top obtainable facts on a daily basis, so that I can bring you jokes with the word “fuck” in them.

3. Superior Early morning, I just stopped in to visit your web site and assumed I’d say I experienced myself.

To be quite honest, this morning was mediocre at best. But I do love it when people experience themselves on my blog, so you’re welcome!

4. Thank you, this is the worst thing I’ve read.

You’re welc…what?! Man, now you hurt my feelings.

5. r u certain that is definitely true?

now u ask i think maybe not, lol.

6. I have study not a single post in your blog. You are a huge lad.

I’ve always thought of myself as a modestly sized lad. Is it my massive frame that prevented you from studying posts on my blog? I can try and move a bit.

7. The post is written in very a good manner and it entails much useful information for me. If you’re looking for discount baby diaper bags, you can’t find a better Hermes Birkin Bag Price bargain than a unique backpack style bag that gives parents se…

I was actually getting interested in this backpack style baby diaper bag, when your spiel abruptly cut off. I could picture myself running around the city with my backpack diaper bag, offering it to hapless parents in need, like a very practical superhero. Alas.

8. I think he laid out an elaborate technique of scheming and discussed the distress that awaited us.

Then he snuck inside your office while you were on a lunch break and spit in your Starbucks coffee. I know that guy. He’s the worst.

9. You are so awesome! I really don’t feel I have go through everything like this ahead of. So great to discover someone with some unique ideas on this topic. Many thanks for commencing this up.

You probably can’t see it, but I’m blushing on the inside. You get me. I really like commencing up some good old unique ideas about topics.

10. Study it, liked it, thanks for it.

That’s the slogan used for the grand opening of the “New Jersey School of Confused Tenses”! Stop plagiarizing!

11. You are my role designs. Thank you for that write-up.

Does that mean that you, too, are a huge lad?

12. I’ve a couple of question to you personally, write to people I don’t e-mail.

Sure, give me the list of people you don’t email and I’ll write to every single one of them with answers to your questions. I have plenty of time.

13. Say “thanks” you to your parents which they gave you the planet.

Holy shit, really? My mom never mentioned this. How humble of her. Although I kind of suspected she had a lot to do with the creation of the Earth. You should see her solve crossword puzzles – she kills it!

14. Good post. My spouse and I learn some thing more challenging on different websites everyday. It will usually be rousing to read content material business writers and practice some thing from their store. I’d prefer to use some using the content on my…

Hold on a second. You and your spouse read stuff written by business writers and then practice some things from their store? Your sex life is either terrible or amazing. Either way, I’m happy I could help out!

15. Your style is truly unique compared to other folks I have read things from. Thank you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this weblog….

While you’re at it bookmark the year 1998, which is  when we stopped using the term “weblog”.

16. It’s an remarkable paragraph in favor of all the web people; they will take advantage from it I am sure….

I am generally the champion of all web people. It is about damn time we stopped seeing web people as inferior and began to realise how similar we actually are! Some of my best friends are web people, by the way.

17. I’ve a local community venture as properly as Bing has 4 numerous entries for it, all of which are inclined to be improper. How do I produce the correct itemizing and get rid of other individuals? Google does not demonstrate anywhere ideas on the idea…

Really? I’m actually quite surprised nobody knows the answer to this, because it’s so simple. All you need to do is itemize the value of numerous articles, then you send the singing armadillo to greet all participants with dreaming of lettuce. You’re done!

18. Seem, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you have obtained to flap your arms and legs, you have obtained to jump close to a whole lot, for life is the really opposite of death, and consequently you need to at extre…

If you’re undead and you know it flap your arms.
If you’re dead, but you don’t know it flap your legs.
When you’re jumping and obtaining, philosophically complaining
Just remember life’s the opposite of death!

– Daniel Nest, 2013

19. Learn to create himself, this post is from another supply.

That’s true. I have a few quality suppliers for my posts and I like to circulate between them. It improves my bargaining position, in case they want to jack up their prices.

20.  Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News. Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thanks

Easy. Are you a royal baby or Katy Perry? If so, refresh the page. Congratulations: You are now listed on Yahoo News! If not, start throwing live chickens at people who pass by your window. You’ll be on Yahoo News in no time.

Social Network Links

Want links? Make an effort!

23 Comments

I’ve had a lot of guest posters on this blog.

A few of them have been people I knew and wanted to exchange guest posts with.

The majority, however, have been content marketers, who were interested in getting links to their company, campaign, or smuggling ring.

That’s perfectly fine. I know how the game works. You give me a funny post for my audience, I give you some links back to whatever it is you’re promoting (unless it’s porn or instructional videos on how to boil cats).

I get it. In fact, I have a “Be My Guest” page right there in the top menu, specifically for this type of exchange.

There are two ways you can approach me about becoming a guest and getting some links to your blog or website. Both are entirely acceptable.

1) You write me a personal message that shows you’ve read the blog. You suggest a topic that works for Nest Expressed, I publish it and we both do a happy dance on top of a mountain at sunset. I pick the location.

Tree Mountain Sunset

Perfect!

2) You tell me you’re a marketer interested in promoting your stuff on people’s blogs and ask what it takes to be featured on mine. It’s a common SEO strategy and I have no problems with it.

What I do take issue with is dishonest bullshit like this (real email, received yesterday):

 

Hope you’re doing well!

I’m Andrea Jayson and am an avid reader and blogger, a passion which I think we share.

Your blog “nest-expressed.com” is by far the most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down!

The writer in me is yearning to write a piece for your blog, maybe around 400-500 words, or whatever you are okay with. In return I expect one clean back link to my website.

Awaiting your reply.

Regards,
Andrea

 

Thanks for the cookie-cutter copy-paste query, Andrea. It must have taken you a lot of effort to insert “nest-expressed.com” into the [name of site] spot in your ready-made template. Maybe if you didn’t add the generic “most interesting I have come across in the recent past, hands down” line I’d have actually considered you. Instead you sound like my comment spam.

I’m a fair man, so I wanted to give Andrea a way to work around her shitty approach. Here’s what I wrote:

 

Hey Andrea,

Which post was your favourite? The one about fictional robot goblins? I really like that one myself!

Daniel

 

Andrea now had the opportunity to actually open my blog, pick any random short post, skim it and tell me she liked my writing about fart-blocking underwear and creepy dolls. Instead, this was her response:

 

Shall I Send you the topic for which I want to write the article.

 

No, Andrea. That is not what you shall do. You shall read the words that are contained within my email. They are not encrypted. My response:

 

You didn’t like my robots post? I liked that one!

What did you find the most interesting about my blog, to make you so enthusiastic about it? If it’s not robot goblins, then what?

 

That’s your second freaking chance to make an effort, Andrea. Pick one post, make me believe that you give a shit. But Andrea wrote this:

 

I have read that post, It is nice.

 

That’s funny, seeing how I haven’t ever written a post about robot goblins. Side note: I should really write a post about robot goblins.

Well done, Andrea. You went from template lies to custom-tailored lies. All because you’re too lazy to actually visit the blog. My final email to Andrea read:

 

Awesome! Which part of these three was your favourite:

1) The one where I talk about their wacky mutation
2) Where goblins fight space lizards
3) The part where Danny DeVito appears and pretends to be an alien.

The third one is my personal favourite, but I like to know what my readers enjoy.

Maybe we can work together indeed!

 

Sadly, Andrea didn’t respond. Maybe she finally understood that I was mocking her and learned the error of her ways. More likely, she figured our correspondence took more time and energy than she was willing to expend. After all, you can spam dozens of people in the time it takes to write a proper email.

Is there a moral to that story?

Yes: don’t fucking lie! If you do, don’t continue to lie when you’re called out.

I don’t care if you don’t read my blog and only want links based on its page rank, or whatever. If you can deliver a funny post, I consider it a fair exchange. But if you write fake, see-through stuff like “your blog is amazing and I love everything about it”, prepare to back that up or, even better, cut that shit out. Otherwise you’re being an unprofessional asshole and wasting everyone’s time.

Don’t be an asshole, please.

Comment Delete Grey Box

Comment Spam Roulette

30 Comments

I get some comments on the blog. Not an avalanche of comments, but some. Comments from regular readers, comments from other bloggers, invisible comments from an evolved race of mutant fish that communicates with me exclusively via brain waves.

I also get a fair share of spam comments, or comment spam, if you’re feeling fancy, which I know you are, fancy pants. And that’s how you set a record for most commas in a single sentence, kids. Thankfully this comment spam gets caught by the extremely effective Akismet plugin. What’s great about it is that I still get to read the spam comments behind the scenes.

While my “Search Term Roulette” posts are all about making fun of stupid search terms, I don’t want to sink to that level here. No. Instead I want to take the time to respond to this comment spam in a manner becoming a respectful blogger. After all, somebody spent so much time to find my blog and write a dedicated, even if spammy, comment. Who am I to ignore them?

1. This article is really wonderful, a friend gave me a look. I set eyes on, I would like to express the feelings I looked. Others did not feel that I do not mind, at least now I show myself….

Good for you! You shouldn’t ever mind showing yourself to others, regardless of what the cops or sanity may tell you. Your friend is as wise as he is definitely a creepy stalker. I’d be cautious of him “giving you a look” from now on.

2. Quite nice submit, remarkable. Its quite various from other posts. Thanks for sharing…

Each of my post is very various indeed. Who knew that letters could be combined in so many ways. Like, at least 173 ways, to be exact.

3. Have a great day! I’m very happy when see your post. I quite endorse your point of view. I will continue to focus on your blog. I affirm that the future I will see more about your ingenious views….

My blog is like an optical illusion. If you focus on its center for at least 50 hours in a row you will find yourself seeing little decorative dragons bathing in maple syrup and singing 80s songs, which is something dragons aren’t prone to do. Let me know how it goes for you.

4. Your article is here, the feeling of a mere individual can harvest more. Let these people from all over the world, even in the heart with empathy. We are not solitude….

Wow. I’ve never seen the plot of The Matrix summed up so well in so few words. Thank you!

5. This article made me effulge. After doing some reading of this article, I impressed a lot. I will pay more attention to your blog. I wish everyone like me here gains happy, bring in moved….

It made you effulge? Sounds serious. I’d take at least two antibiotic pills and administer a self-enema if I were you. See if can bring in more moved.

6. Thanks a good deal for experiencing this beauty blog with me. I am appreciating it extremely considerably! Searching ahead to an additional great weblog. Good luck to the author! All the ideal!…

Thank you for acknowledging my beauty blog. Stay tuned for more make up tips and the upcoming shoe shopping guide. All the ideal! Peace with the essence! Words with the random!

7. Your article is like a big tree, and we can squat in your tree together for happiness.

There’s no need to squat. My blog is a baobab, so there’s plenty of room for everybody.

8. Was some to tiredly return to own small room, soon started tidying up thing, thoughted of that small guy at the moment incredibly and still just the hospital is foolish, his heart has no since of a burst of piercing….

Will gains of the room in flavour. Two times he skidded in the darkness. Suddenly, ninjas everywhere. The moment he thoughted he’s dead. Such is life.

9. “That you do some thing to send to be.”Yang Yi stretched out a hand to at will choose a grape to throw into a mouth, didn’t understand thereafter of say:”That wench isn’t very great problem again, doctor said, can soon wake up of, do you like this…

Yes, the Bible is a confusing read.

10. Good blog! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes and the data are well written….

True. There are blogs out there that will literally jump at your face and claw your eyes out. Mine, not so much.

11. A splendid article will open up one’s eyes because the article is true, make us move and laugh. When I set eyes on this article, I believe I can bring in these….

Bring in which?! Bring in what?! You can’t just leave me hanging, dude. Not cool!

12. If you say I do not care to set eyes on this article, the next time I am followed about your article, I think I will never again careless. Do you trust yourself, you do not know your article can make people so obsessed with….

Look…I…I like you too, but maybe it’s time we start seeing other people? It’s not you, it’s me!

13. I would like to realize when you write this article is what kind of mood, why would you write this article, also written so okay, is that I can learn. I think I could record something like you….

Xbox Kinect, is that you?! Could you kindly not record me, please?

14. Frequently we do not place up on weblogs, but I want to point out that this set up really pressured me individually to do so! Substantially exceptional publish…

Pompously grandiose thank you for this.

25 ridiculous spam lines: part four

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Look, I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen. When I wrote the original post with these spam lines, I sort of predicted I may write one more, two more maximum.

It appears I have grossly underestimated the amount of creative potential the penile spam industry has. Seriously, if people channelled this kind of thought and dedication into science and medicine we’d have hoverboards that shoot laser beams and cancer-curing toothpaste by now. But, you know, I guess endless spam is the next best thing.

I’ve done the intro three times now (read those other three posts, they’re pretty awesome), but here’s a recap:

All of the below are one-sentence quotes from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox, followed by my ever-so-wise commentary. The spam lines are not altered in any way, they are really this retarded. I’ve even left the typos and spelling errors in there while copy-pasting. Let’s go:

1. Ask and you shall be given – extra inches now possible

Brought to you by the Big Book of Kama Sutra Psalms, Matthews 7:7.

2. Be the Pied Piper of chicks

You too can drown hordes of women in the ocean with the help of our pills!

3. All the girls will want you more after you have this

Thanks for the offer, but I don’t want any Justin Bieber albums.

4. The most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions available here

Most reputable and acclaimed Men’s solutions?! Directly in my spam folder? How can I lose?!

5. Butts that look awesome

Words that have nothing to do with anything.

6. Make your nightly romps more wild

Jolly good, sir! My nightly romps shall be most smashing indeed!

7. Your lady will be clamoring to copulate with you every night

While you continue attempting to alliterate awkwardly…

8. Great fun is guaranteed once your pecker becomes a monster

Not a big fan of Pokemon, but to each his own, I guess.

9. Be the master of the bed

“Come here bed. Good. Now sit, siiiiit! Good bed!”

10. Attract the RIGHT girls with wonder pills

Everyone knows the right women are only attracted to guys who get pills from spam emails.

11. Look, it really works, you should try these organ enhancment organic pills

Chapter One of The Perfect Salesman’s Guide. Chapter Two: “Come on you guys, it’s like, really good stuff and everything!”

12. Wow, this is amazing

I think you can teach the “look, it really works” guy a thing or two!

13. I feel like the master of the universe with a might 9inch bazooka.

Yes, I’m sure that downsized versions of conventional military weapons are exactly what will win the Great Intergalactic Wars in 2173.

14. Just two pills for instant satisfaction

Ecstasy pills have already been invented. Great timing there, buddy!

15. She will surely pounce on you

Because all guys like their women feral and murderous!

16. Take pills today, get an increased size tomorrow

Contact us right now to hear about our other deferred delivery plans…

17. Secret lab research released white paper confirming the success in increasing male length within 2 months

Does the lab know that a pretty big part of “secret” research involves not publishing a goddamn white paper about it?!

18. The boy who cried wolf

Oh yeah, I know that story, it’s about that guy who kept mentioning the same thing over and over until nobody listened to him anymore. What does it have to do with these endless emails you keep on sen…ah, I see what you did there.

19. Test subjects have shown amazing growth from 1.5 to 3 inches over 2 months

So now that you have managed to create oversized rats, I guess Planet Of the Apes is only years away?

20. Rare footage of Rosario Dawson and Mike Myers getting hot with each other

Finally, my dream of seeing a Shrek sex tape has come true!

21. When Ally McFeal shows up in court in her micro-miniskirt and NO panties, the jury sizzled

“Micro-mini skirt”? Is that like a “retarded-stupid spam email”?

22. Your bedroom will sizzle after this

Noted, I’ll have the fire department on speed dial!

23. The TV used to be her favorite night program, now she just stares at my new found man meat.

I have no doubt that starting idly at your schlong is a fun hobby for someone whose favourite night program used to literally be “a TV-set”.

24. Obama grows great length through herbal supplements

I told you all he had a hidden agenda with that whole healthcare reform!

25. Why waste any more time

Agreed! “Empty Spam“, *click*

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines

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Welcome back to yet another instalment of the “spam lines” series. The two first entries are found here and here.

In collecting these spam sentences I’ve learned an important lesson about spammers: they never run out of creativity. So many different spam messages out there. The scary implication of this is that somewhere there’s a person who is coming up with all this stuff. A full time spam copywriter, if you will.

I wonder how a job interview for such a position goes?

“OK, you seem to have a decent command of English. You also display a complete lack of morals and respect for fellow human beings. Sounds like you’re our guy! But I have to ask you this: how are you with tacky penis related puns?”

“Let me just say I can’t wait to become a member of your organisation.”

“You’re hired!”

“Thanks! I’m like Charles Dickens of spam writing.”

“Yes, ahem, you may stop now.”

“Wow, check out this huge package!” “OK, seriously, please stop!”

Quick recap for newcomers – all of the below are one-sentence lines from penis enlargement spam landing in my mailbox. They are not altered in any way, as unbelievable as that may be. Let’s go:

10. See Batdude and Throbin get it on as they fight crime and sex together

Thanks, but I think I prefer the more subtle sexual tension between original Batman and Robin.

9. Boobs as big as balloons

From puns to alliteration – you’re making progress! Metaphors for sex are next on the list, I assume?

8. European Union makes decision to import herbal supplements

EU sanctioned enlargement pills? Well, as long as it helps strengthen the euro I’m all for it! And no, “strengthen the euro” is not a euphemism, but you’re welcome to use it in your next email.

7. Progress from love guru to sex magnet

Thanks for acknowledging my already impressive “love guru” status. I’m flattered! Carry on:

6. You know you are a great lover and your girl craves for you every night without fail

Stop it, you’re making me blush! Also, for how long have you been corresponding with my girlfriend?

5. Larger is stronger is better

McDonald’s Quadruple Big Mac – available now!

4. Impress all in the locker room

Haven’t we already been through this in my first post, Little John? Stop projecting your insecurities onto others.

3. Forget the old memories where you pals laughed at you in the locker room, grow larger today

Oh, Little John…you poor bastard…

2. Hear ladies scream in bed

I’m not a big fan of horror movies and this one sounds pretty generic to me so far.

1. Stop wasting time flirting with the ladies, all you need is a huge pecker

I must admit that woodpeckers have their sexy side, but I think I’ll stick to the ladies for now, if you don’t mind.

_____________

19/07/2012: Why yes, of course there’s Part Four, right here.

I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

4 Comments

So remember how I totally predicted that I’d soon have more material for this post? And then it totally came true? Well it totally did! I’m in the league with Nostradamus himself.

If you haven’t read the previous post, I suggest you do it now by following that link above. If you haven’t read the post and refuse to follow the link because you’re incredibly lazy, here’s the summary:

I get one-line spam messages about penis enlargement. These messages are crazy and are written by people picking random words out of a dictionary. I laugh at these messages. Then I write about them. This is the second instalment.

Without further ado, here are a few more one-line gems:

10. Achieve maximum sexual nirvana

I’m sorry, your entry into the Most Roundabout Way to Describe Orgasm contest has been sent to the wrong email.

9. Growing up has never been an issue, all you need is our secret formula

I’m pretty sure that nature has nailed out the “secret formula” for growing up a couple of billion years before you.

8. Scare people with your tool today

Swinging a huge penis at people until they run away in fear – easily the number one activity on any man’s bucket list!

7. The answer to every man’s woes has now arrived

Awesome! So when exactly do I get delivery of my robotic dog pal who can play PS3, feed me and cure cancer? Hey, I have very specific “woes”, OK?

6. Sexy girls will look at you differently

Is “differently” good or bad? Will they now squint while looking my way? What happens to those girls who aren’t “sexy”? This is all vital information that you’re not giving me!

5. Kate Hudson got a shock of her life when she woke up to the longest stud in her neighbourhood

BBC Breaking News: “Waldo arrested for night-time breaking and entering”

Dude, you’re difficult to spot, not invisible, remember?!

4. These organic pills are truly amazing, 2 inches longer for ALL

For ALL?! I’m not sure how I feel about having 2-inch nasal hair, but thanks for the offer.

3. The size of a Man’s member is a sensitive issue – we understand your need for privacy

A spam email about understanding privacy. Thanks guys, I’ll hold on to this in case I ever need to explain the concept of “irony” to someone.

2. Kill off the competition with our organic pills

Damnit, Jim! I told you to only use my secure phone line when scheduling new shipments of pois…ahem…”organic pills”.

1. You will no longer need to buy her flowers

“Honey, we need to talk! OK, so I’ve pawned all the gifts I ever gave you and told your mother to never visit again. I sold your shoes to get a new vacuum cleaner for you to use…but before you get upset – have you seen how big my dick is?!”

_______________________________

Part three is here.

I, spam collector: 10 ridiculous spam lines

29 Comments

By now you know that making fun of spam is kind of my thing.

Thanks to this undoubtedly unhealthy hobby I have been collecting all sorts of spam, instead of deleting it from my junk mail folder like most sane people. As a result I am now in a possession of humble yet diverse assortment of random bits of spam art.

Don’t worry, with enough dedication you too can have a respectable spam collection in no time. And by “enough dedication” I mean “not pressing the ’empty spam’ button for a few days”.

As somewhat of a spam connoisseur I can inform you that spam comes in a variety of forms. Some messages are written as full-length letters and tell complex stories. Some are literally a jumble of disconnected words that form no coherent whole at all – kind of like Lady Gaga songs. Oh yes, I went there.

“Rah rah, oh lalaaa, gaga roma tra lalaaa…OK, seriously guys, I’m pretty sure I’m having a stroke right now”

And then there’s another type of spam – one with a single catchphrase and a link. It’s the spam equivalent of a store sign saying “Get your nipple clamps right here! Two for the price of one!”. Man, I could’ve literally picked anything other than “nipple clamps” for that analogy and it would’ve worked just as well. Too late now.

It’s the third type of spam I’d like to discuss today. Recently I have been getting a few of these per day. Each of them had something about penis enlargement in the subject line. Inside the email was a link, preceded by a single sentence. I haven’t followed any of the links, because I know that doing so would slowly destroy both my soul and mental state – kind of like listening to Lady Gaga. OK, that was the last one…for now.

Lady Gaga’s audition for the role of Nick Fury was destined to fail.

The sentences in the emails, however, have been diligently collected. I now bring to you – the “Spam Catchphrase Collection, Part One”. None of these have been altered in any way. What they lack in sanity they make up for with failed creativity.

10. Hit a home run every night with your gigantic bat.

Very clever. Home run = success in bed. Gigantic bat = big penis. How could you possibly go wrong with a baseball analogy for sex? Here’s how: “Hit a home run every night with your gigantic bat”.

9. Your powerful rod will rip their blouses off.

Finally! Every man’s dream of being able to rip women’s clothing off with his genitals has become reality. What? Is it just me? OK then.

8. Slam, jam and bang them with a longer and wider rooster of pleasure.

I see what you did there. Because, you know, “rooster”. Hehe. Your idea of what sex entails is a bit distorted though. There’s definitely a lot less professional wrestling involved than you seem to assume.

7. Oil prices are starting to DROP.

Wait, what?! Why am I getting market updates in an email about penis enlargement? Or is there a scientifically proven correlation between oil prices and penis size? If so, I don’t envy the researcher tasked with verifying that connection.

6. My friends never called me Little John in the locker room anymore, it’s now Big John.

You, sir, have the least imaginative friends on Earth. Also, they sound like a bunch of dicks. You should really stop being friends with a bunch of dicks hanging out in a locker room. Hey, you started this pun game, not me.

5. Don’t be a chicken – go for a bigger cock.

Great, another rooster pun. I’m starting to think this “penis enlargement” campaign is just a cover up for some shady dealings in illegal poultry.

4. Germany shows Portugal the strength in an extra inch.

I like to imagine that there was an actual competition where two teams of men engaged in penis-size based trials. Actually no, I don’t like imagining that at all!

3. I regained confidence in Eva Longoria after 2 months of herbal supplements.

Aaaw, you shouldn’t have doubted Eva Longoria in the first place! Wait a minute…is…is Eva Longoria what you call your penis? Because that’s the only way I can make sense of that sentence. Man, you’ve got far bigger problems than just lack of confidence in your size.

2. Your cock size will be written on your forehead.

Why would I ever want that to happen? Even if I had the world’s largest penis I’d never consider having its size stamped on my forehead. Sure, it would make for some great ice-breakers, but that would all be overshadowed by the fact that I’d have my dick size written on my freaking forehead!

1. COCKZILLA is the word.

No. No it’s not. It really isn’t. It’s not even a word. Seriously, the only nickname you could give your penis that is shittier than Cockzilla is Hammer of Doom…or possibly Eva Longoria.

_________________________________________________________

All of these gems have been collected in the span of a single week, so I have no doubt that more brilliant ones are still to come. Heaven help us all…

Edit (01/06/2012): I was right, here’s part two.

_______________________________________________

24/06/2012: This post of mine is participating in the Dude Write line up this week where you can find some excellent posts by bloggers who happen to be dudes. You don’t have to be a dude to give the posts a read, though, so head on over!

I, Spam Detective: 7 Obvious Spam Signs

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Identifying spam isn’t exactly rocket science. Mainly because it involves neither rockets nor science. There are only a few categories of spam mails and virtually all of them revolve around penises.

An email sent to you by “Best Enlargement Pills” is typically a good tip off that it’s spam, because not many people have friends called Best Enlargement Pills. If you do have friends with such names then you deserve every bit of spam heading your way.

Because spam is so prevalent, spammers nowadays have to get creative. They must compose a message that is more than just “FREE NAKED GIRLS, CLICK HERE”. They have to try and make their email appear genuine and personal. This is the story of one such mail.

Knock Knock. "Who's there?". It's me, a totally legitimate email message.

A couple of days ago I’ve received a spam message, but it was a bit different than the generic ones I’ve been getting lately.

Firstly, it didn’t get caught by Yahoo’s junk mail filter. It showed up in my inbox, instead of joining the rest of its Viagra, penis enlargement and porn cousins in the junk folder.

Secondly, it was written as a personal message addressed specifically “to me”, rather than just a list of of links.

Thirdly, it was almost 1000 words long! I don’t always muster the energy to write a 1000-word post on my blog, not to mention a spam message.

Sadly for the spammer who went to such lengths to craft this truly wonderful piece of junk-mail art, the message was still easily identifiable as spam. What follows is a selective breakdown of the message and my commentary on the tell-tale spam signs. I do this to impart my vast spam-detection knowledge onto those less detail oriented. Also, I’m bored.

...now I'm also hungry!

Spam Sign 1: The subject line

It’s truly a shame that after investing so much time and effort into writing a 1000-word “personal” message the sender went with “Private Confidential” as the subject line. I’m not a secret agent (sadly), so receiving a message with that subject is an instant spam alert.

Also, if I ever did expect a “Confidential” message, I most certainly wouldn’t be looking for it in my damn Yahoo Mail inbox. Not to hate on Yahoo, but they’re not exactly the go-to choice for encrypted communications.

Spam Sign 2: The “from” field

Seriously, this one’s so easy to modify. You could go with “SexyChick173” or just a random girl’s name. You’re attempting to convince me you’re a real person. Why the hell do you keep “Postmaster” as your “from” field?

The only messages I’ve ever gotten from “Postmasters” were automated warnings that my mails were not reaching their recipients or that I broke the Internet (again). So unless you’re trying to have me believe that computers have finally gained sentience and are now sending personalised messages to people, this is a stupid strategy!

Also, if I actually believed that computers have become self-aware I’d be too busy barricading my apartment and stockpiling rocket launchers to pay attention to anything you had to say in your stupid email.

"All your mail are belong to us"

Spam Sign 3: The “to” and “CC” address(es)

There’s this advanced trick I’ve learned that allows me to instantly identify whether I’m the primary recipient of an email: if I don’t see my address in the “To” field, I can tell the email’s not addressed to me personally. I know, I’m a genius!

Also, when I see my address along with seven others in the “CC” field I usually assume that you’re not writing to me directly. Call me paranoid, but I prefer to call it “using common sense”.

Spam Sign 4: Mysterious number sequences

The message started with a one-line number sequence and closed with another, different one. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never met a single real person who started and ended their emails that way. Well, there was that autistic kid in high school, but he sent whole emails written exclusively in binary and hieroglyphics. We don’t hang out anymore. (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)

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