Another week, another competition on Dude Write.

This time we’re playing the “Tarantino Movie Soup Game“. You know, the Tarantino Movie Soup Game? You don’t know the Tarantino Movie Soup Game?!

Damn, I wish I were given some sort of a rule book for this game, so I could explain how it works. Oh wait, I did get one, here it is:

Because I’m so progressive I didn’t make no old school sets of cards, yo. Instead I added a few of my own choices (good guy – Janitor, criminal – Tractor Driver, Genre – Documentary). Then I numbered all of the choices 1 through 9 and used this random number generator to pick the results. Yeah, I’m high tech as a mother farmer. This is what I got: Cat Hoarder, Mobster, Horror. Now, allow me to present…

THE BLACK

(a thriller-horror extravaganza with elements of mysticism and comedic dialogue)

Tango Sykes (Samuel L. Jackson) is a retired and slightly crazy Vietnam Veteran. Having failed at adjusting to civilian life he shuns most human contact and instead squats in an abandoned, dilapidated mansion on the outskirts of New York City…with 137 cats.

Richard “Le Bison” von Straffen (Christoph Waltz) is the godfather of a massive international mobster family, dealing in animal smuggling. He has ties to criminal networks in 83 separate countries and speaks over 100 languages fluently.

One day Tango comes across two mobsters with shovels trying to bury a barely alive black cat. He calmly convinces them to let the cat go by politely driving a shovel right through the throat of Mobster #1 and unleashing his 137 cats on Mobster #2. After the mobsters are “dealt with” (i.e. killed in the gruesomest ways possible) Tango picks up the black cat and takes it home. He now has 138 cats. He names the new cat “Mr. Black”, because the cat is black and Samuel L. Jackson is black and Tarantino loves metaphors and is all like “fuck subtlety!”.

What Tango doesn’t know is that the new “cat” is actually Satan, who came to Earth in disguise to make preparations for Doomsday. Richard “Le Bison” had found the cat earlier in a remote village of Abaliget, Hungary. Because Richard is also fluent in “Devil-speak” he had managed to uncover Satan’s plans and sent two mobsters to bury the cat before it could transform. Thus, Tango has just unwittingly unchained (ha, “unchained”) unimaginable horror…

…Tango returns from his cat food shopping spree the next day to find that Mr. Black had taken his Satan form, brutally murdered all of Tango’s cats and used their innocent souls to open a portal and escape back to Hell. Tango, absolutely devastated, collapses by the mansion stairs.

He is found sobbing hopelessly on the ground by none other than Richard “Le Bison” von Straffen. Richard, realising that Satan cat knows too much about his criminal operations, is determined to bring Satan down once and for all. Richard wants to use Tango’s rage as a weapon and offers him a shaky alliance. Tango, blinded by his thirst for vengeance, agrees. Richard and Tango follow the still-open portal to Hell to face Satan.

FINAL SCENE (SCRIPT EXCERPT)

EXT. HELL – ETERNAL DARKNESS

FLAMES surround RICHARD and TANGO as they enter through the PORTAL. SATAN CAT is not visible but we hear his deafening ROAR. RICHARD shivers. TANGO is unaffected.

TANGO

Enough is enough! I’ve had it with this motherfucking cat in this motherfucking Hell!

RICHARD

(cocking his SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN with the face of a bulldog carved into it, because METAPHOR)

Vamonos!

TANGO

What?

RICHARD

Andiamo!

TANGO

Huh?

RICHARD

Allons-y!

TANGO

You’re fucking with me, right?

RICHARD

I was, yes. Let’s go!

TANGO and RICHARD walk through the FLAMES and come face to face with hundreds of SATAN’S MINIONS. RICHARD unleashes repeated blasts from his SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN, blowing MINIONS’ heads, limbs and tails clean off. TANGO doesn’t have a weapon and instead rips numerous MINIONS apart with his BARE HANDS, accompanying each attack with cringe-worthy puns.

TANGO

(twisting a head off of a minion)

Yeah, let’s twist again, like we did last summer!

(tearing two arms off of another minion)

I’m sorry I had to disarm you!

(slapping two minions across their faces with the torn-off arms of minion #2)

Watch out, I’m armed!

RICHARD

You can’t use the same pun twice!

TANGO

Try and stop me!

TANGO and RICHARD absolutely decimate all of the MINIONS, dousing the FLAMES with thousands of litres of BLOOD. As the FLAMES are extinguished we hear a loud CRY OF AGONY from SATAN CAT, followed by another deafening ROAR. RICHARD shivers. TANGO is enraged and thirsty for revenge.

TANGO

Show yourself, coward!

Suddenly, SATAN CAT materialises right behind RICHARD and drives its CLAW through his chest. RICHARD collapses, dropping his SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN.

TANGO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TANGO sprints towards SATAN CAT, leaps into the air and, upon landing, drives his fingers into SATAN CAT’S eyes! SATAN CAT screams and thrashes around, knocking TANGO backwards. TANGO gets back up and unleashes a torrent of punches, striking SATAN CAT in different places, each of them breaking with a loud CRUNCH.

Somehow SATAN CAT gets the upper hand and pins TANGO to the ground with its leg talons. TANGO struggles in vain to break its grip. SATAN CAT lifts its claws into the air, preparing to deliver the fatal blow. TANGO notices RICHARD’S SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN on the ground, grabs it, and, just as SATAN CAT is bringing his claws down TANGO drives the SHOTGUN into its eye, killing the monster.

Camera zooms onto the SHOTGUN protruding from SATAN CAT’S eye and offers a close up of the face of the bulldog carved into the SHOTGUN. METAPHOR!

TANGO

I bet you didn’t SEE that coming!

TANGO runs towards the PORTAL as HELL begins to collapse onto itself all around him. He makes it in time and jumps through the PORTAL right before it closes. HELL disintegrates.

TANGO

(dusting himself off)

Guess I won’t see you in hell, motherfucker!

ROLL CREDITS