Antichrist signs: Devil Face Paint Boy

14 signs that your child is the Antichrist

If you’re a new parent, like me, you have undoubtedly asked yourself some of the typical questions every father or mother eventually asks: Is my baby getting enough sleep? Is its poop supposed to be that hideous color? Is my child the literal embodiment of a biblical evil and the harbinger of Armageddon as foretold by an ancient prophecy?

These worries are perfectly natural. Every parent has them.

While there’s much debate about baby sleeping patterns and food habits, finding out if your child is the Antichrist is more straightforward. If you notice three or more of these telltale signs, your child is almost certainly the Antichrist.

Your child may be the Antichrist if…

1. When your baby says “dada” or “mama,” its face morphs into a perfect replica of its father’s or mother’s, respectively

Antichrist signs: Baby eyes close-up

You: “Got your nose!”
Child: “Got your face.”

This may seem a bit unsettling at first, but once you’ve diagnosed your child as the Antichrist, you’ll quickly get used to this newfound skill.

2. Its Devil’s vents radiate a greenish-blue glow at exactly 23:11 every night

Antichrist signs: Blue glow jellyfish

Pure blue glow is also a potential risk

Devil’s vents are more commonly known as “soft spots” (or “fontanels” by the science heathens). Bright orange glow is usually nothing to worry about and is not a sign of your child being the Antichrist.

3. Your pets start walking on hind legs and speaking in tongues when they’re near the baby

Antichrist signs: Scary cat red eyes

Sometimes, your pet is the Antichrist

Popular phrases you’ll hear are “Garkhamal fukhus ramkadash” and “Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeewmalama.” Very Antichristy.

4. The baby refuses to breastfeed by causing earthquakes of magnitude five or above on the Richter scale

Antichrist signs: Earthquake damage to building

Kids will be kids

Tremors are usually felt in a radius of up to one kilometer. Non-Antichrist children will very rarely cause any seismic activity around them.

5. Whenever your baby laughs, a dark portal opens up next to it, from which a horned demon emerges to ask, “Is it time yet, Master?”

Antichrist signs: Magic colorful portal

Artist’s rendering

This is a classic Antichrist sign. If the emergence of the demon is accompanied by sinister organ music and/or thunderstorms, this sign counts as two.

6. Your baby seems to enjoy most Nickelback songs

Antichrist signs: Rock sign at concert

Pure Devil music

This one’s rather intuitive, but it’s still worth mentioning.

7. Your child has a habit of walking into and out of the television screen

Antichrist signs: Child in front of television

“Don’t do it, son!”

This is not only an indication of your child being the Antichrist, it’s also a major annoyance during movie nights.

8. You suddenly discover that your baby has a Facebook page with a pentagram as the cover photo

Antichrist signs: Pentagram carved in a tree

This is the one.

Extra Antichrist points if the baby “likes” fan pages for Beelzebub, Baconnaise, and Donald Trump.

9. Your baby doesn’t know how to count to 10 but can recite archaic magic spells in fluent Aramaic

Antichrist signs: Open old book with a skull

“DDaYOaA AeTSBeA AeQuOM…”

If you’re not sure that what you’re hearing is indeed Aramaic, please consult your local shaman for further guidance.

10. The child’s favorite TV shows are Teletubbies, Fear Factor, and Summoning the Forces of Darkness: Season Three

Antichrist signs: All four Teletubbies

“Begone, spawns of Satan!”

Most people believe watching Fountains of Blood is equally indicative of Antrichristdom, but this is a myth.

11. You can’t recall ever having seen your child blink

Antichrist signs: Baby huge blue eyes black and white

Not once

While over 70 percent of unblinking babies are not at risk of being the Antichrist, it pays to be vigilant.

12. When you try to give your child a bath, the water instantly evaporates, and the steam forms the shape of a burning cross

Black and white cross in clouds

And it’s in black and white

Other shapes may also be cause for concern, including shuriken, skull, and a bouquet of wilting tulips.

13. You put your child to sleep and walk back to the kitchen only to find it finishing a meal by the dining table

Antichrist signs: Colorful shirt boy messy eating

“Sup, daaaaaad!”

Incidentally, this is also a common sign that your baby is David Copperfield.

14. When you give your baby a doll, it smiles and coos instead of screaming in terror like any normal child would

The “Creepy Doll Test” is probably the surest way to discover if your child is the Antichrist.

So there you have it: 14 solid hints that your child may be the Antichrist. Note that you can never be fully certain that these signs indicate anything out of the ordinary or troubling. Please don’t rely exclusively on this guide. Always remember to get a proper evaluation by a professional exorcist.

Has this helped you successfully identify your child as the Antichrist? Do you know anybody whose baby could be the Antichrist? Feel free to let me know in the comments.

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Gentleman With Monocle and Cane

Where the fuck are your manners?!

I may be the first one to utter this brave statement, but here goes:

“People should be considerate of each other.”

You can freely quote that revolutionary statement on Twitter, it’s on me.

Sure, it sounds obvious, yet the more I observe people lately the more I become convinced that many just don’t give a shit. In their minds they exist in the world populated by nobody else. Sort of like Will Smith in I Am Legend, only without the zombies.

I’ve been raised to always be polite to others. Stuff like “giving place to an older person on the bus”, “opening doors for women” and “not throwing feces at strangers” are second nature to me. I don’t say it in a “look at how awesome I am” way (although I am, indeed, awesome). It’s just that I’m hardwired to have manners.

Here in Denmark I’ve actually had to tone down some of my polite behaviour. Sometimes it was considered fake, as if I was trying way too hard to “pretend” to be nice. Occasionally women would even get outright offended, because I dared to question their self-sufficiency with my offer of holding doors for them or carrying heavy objects. Listen, I’m all for it. “All the women, independent, throw your hands up in the air, clap your feet like you just don’t care and do the Macarena” (I’m a bit foggy on the exact Destiny’s Child lyrics).

Bodoland India Women Girls Dancing Ceremonial

Exhibit A: Independent Women

Thing is, it seems this has deteriorated to the point where everybody is so independent that they stop caring about how their actions affect others. That’s not being independent, that’s being a selfish prick. So for those people who forgot how to co-exists with others, I’ve devised this handy guide for common social situations. If you’re already a considerate person, think of this as a refresher. Also, keep being awesome. If you’re one of the selfish pricks, you’ve probably gone off in search of a site that doesn’t chastise you.

It’s OK, we’ll just laugh at you behind your back.

1. Buses (trains, metro, tandem bikes) are not only for you

You’ll probably find it hard to believe, but your backpack does not have feelings. It won’t be offended if you don’t reserve a seat for it. It will be just as comfortable on your lap as it would be on an otherwise empty seat next to you. You know who may want to use the seat? Hint: the answer rhymes with “other people”, because it is, in fact, “other people”.

So cut that shit out. Stop sitting by the aisle, blocking others and reserving the empty window seat for your invisible friend Bob. Stop putting your shit on the seat next to you, just to carve out some of that “personal space”. If you want “personal space”, go live in a cage.

2. Doors just want to be held

Most doors are designed to be closed when not being actively held open. They are also solid objects, which makes it difficult for people walking behind you to walk through them. Holding them for someone is the easiest way to tell them “I’m not an asshole”. Try it.

On the flip side, if someone’s holding the door for you, here are helpful tips on making them not want to murder you:

a) Avoid strolling through the door they are holding for you, without offering to take over or even acknowledging their existence. They are legally allowed to put a gypsy curse on your whole family if you do. Look it up.

b) Do make an effort to speed up if you have some distance to close. That way you’ll get some exercise and show appreciation for another human being’s politeness. It’s a 2-for-1 deal you rarely see outside of discount supermarket chains.

c) A smile and a “thanks” is in order. If you can’t muster the energy to move your jaw or are mute, a simple nod will work. If you are physically unable to nod, you may want to take a trip to the doctor instead of walking through doors like some kind of a door-walking-person-thing. I’ll work on my imagery if you promise to work on not being a shitty person.

3. People are not walk-through

Until teleportation technology is perfected, we’ll have to stick to the old fashioned “moving through empty space” method to get somewhere. If you’re blocking the only exit route from a train with your body, people won’t be able to exit the train. Interestingly, you won’t be able to enter the train, because none of you are ghosts.

You would think that simply understanding the laws of physics would help you get this fact. Yet somehow the Danish transportation authorities found it necessary to actually film an instructional video on how to properly make space for people exiting a train. If you were ever wondering why they did that, it’s because of you. You have made them waste money on this instead of making trains run properly. You suck in so many ways.

Equally, this doesn’t stop being true after you exit the train. If there are people exiting the train behind you and you stop immediately outside the exit to check your phone or scout for birds, they are legally allowed to trample you and then put a gypsy curse on your whole family. Truly I speak the truth, verily.

___________________________________________________

I think I should start working on a series of instructional and motivational books. I feel I’m born to do this, don’t you think? What about you, what are your pet peeves of late? Have you ever tried walking through other people to see what happens?

Writing for a blog: 5 tips

Do you remember Michelle Franco? Author of the top-rated “Where Will You Run?” book? Fellow Twitter user? The one who nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award?

You do? Great! You don’t? Well, also great, since you have the chance to visit her blog right now. I’ve written a guest post for her. In that post I dispense words of dubious wisdom, which is something I rarely do on my own blog.

Head on over to Michelle’s blog and check out “Writing for a blog: 5 tips“. Also, give her blog a browse in general, it’s well worth your while!

23 great tips from “Don’ts for Wives” (or marriage advice for sexists)

A few days ago I have stumbled upon a tiny book at my friend’s place. This book was entitled Don’ts for Wives. Judging from the title, it focused exclusively on what not to do, so I knew straight away it was going to be a cheerful and inspirational read. I flipped through the pages and pretty soon it became clear that most of the tips were just variations of “give him food and shut the fuck up”.

“What kind of a male chauvinist wrote this degrading, yet strangely curious book?!” I wondered. I turned back to the title page to discover that this sexist jerk’s name was…Blanche Ebutt. The jerk was a she. The plot thickened. Just so you know, Blanche Ebutt is a world renowned author of such diverse books as Don’ts for Wives, Don’ts for Husbands and…those are the two. I haven’t read Don’ts for Husbands, but after skimming its “for Wives” counterpart I can safely conclude that the tips for husbands are along the lines of “don’t strangle your wife…too much”.

To be fair, Don’ts for Wives was written in 1913. If the content of the book is any indication, 1913 was a time when every household had at least one butler and every single woman was a housewife married to an excessively rich man. Seen in this light, the book must have been quite useful at the time, if only to regulate the amount of clothes women bought and the amount of words they spoke.

Tip 43: Don’t let him catch you reading any other books

And now, without further ado, I’d like to bring you some of the very best Blanche Ebutt has to offer, with my running commentary. I even helpfully arrange the tips into identifiable themes, something Blanche didn’t bother with.

Theme One: Shut up

1. Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he.

2. Don’t argue with a stubborn husband. Drop the matter before argument leads to temper. You can generally gain your point in some other way.

3. Don’t attempt to dictate to your husband on any subject. He won’t stand it, and there will be trouble.

Blanche’s motto is “if you’re going to give terrible advice, make sure you make the same point in at least three different ways”. They are all slight tweaks of “don’t talk (back)” and two of them hint ominously at what happens if you do, namely “temper” and “trouble”.

I don’t know how things worked in 1913, because I was negative 68 years old at that time. If I’m to read between the lines I can only assume that all wives got regularly attacked for interrupting their husbands’ monologues.

Unless, of course, Blanche wasn’t giving tips to other women as much as she was writing down reminders to herself after every “trouble” with her husband:

“Dear Diary, today I’m going to give John some tips about trimming the garden…hi again, Diary, turns out I’m rather more ignorant about gardening than John, which my black eye so clearly illustrates. Note to self: ‘Don’t advise your husband on subjects of which you are, if anything, rather more ignorant than he…’”

Theme Two: Never rest

4. Don’t vegetate as you grow older if you live in the country. Some women are like cows, but there is really no need to stagnate. Keep both brain and body on the move.

Sounds like your brain has been on the move for a while, Blanche, and you were left behind. Seriously, WTF?! How did you come up with such specific advice? Does this apply only to women who live in the country? Or the ones who are “like cows”? You could have just said “exercise is important”, but I guess you’re trying to see how many of your readers you can alienate by calling them names.

5. Don’t spend half the morning in bed because there is ‘nothing to get up for’. The day is not long enough for all the things you might do if you liked.

Yeah, you lazy “some woman like cow”! Get up and get to work!

1913 exercise equipment for housewives

Theme Three: Be a pet

6. Don’t think it beneath you to put your husband’s slippers ready for him. On a cold evening, especially, it makes all the difference to his comfort if the soles are warmed through.

Pro tip: warming the soles by curling into a ball and lying on them will surely put a smile on your husband’s face when he comes home.

7. Don’t take any notice of people who tell you constantly that a wife’s place is in her husband’s home, darning socks and stockings as women did in the good old days. You can darn all the socks and stockings there are to be darned, and you can be at home whenever your husband is, and very often when he is not, and yet leave plenty of time for going out.

8. Don’t get the idea that all your husband wants is a housekeeper, or a decorative head of the table. He wants a companion and when he is at home he doesn’t want you to be always somewhere else.

9. Don’t be out if you can help it when your husband gets home after his day’s work.

I love how Blanche starts out tips 7 and 8 by boldly declaring that women should feel empowered, yet quickly transitions into “do your fucking housewife duties and be home whenever your husband is” by the end of each one.

Also, this is the second time she uses three separate tips to make pretty much the same point. Blanche, if you don’t have enough advice to fill a whole book, just own up to it and release a small pamphlet instead. You’re destroying trees and wasting your readers’ time when they could be darning socks and warming up slippers instead.

10. Don’t let him search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold.

And if you find that your leash is so short that you can’t get all the way from the kitchen to the threshold, this would be the perfect opportunity to ask him for a longer one!

Theme Four: “I ain’t saying she a gold digger…”

11. Don’t be satisfied to let your husband work overtime to earn money for frocks for you. Manage with fewer frocks.

Was this seriously a widespread problem back then? Excess of money and only frocks to spend it on? I guess it must have been if it deserved a separate tip.

Notice the use of the term “manage”. It’s as if stopping yourself from indiscriminately buying up frocks every moment you got enough cash was an almost insurmountable task for a woman in 1913. It’s like Blanche is saying: “Look, I know it’s difficult, but you can at least try to live without an extra frock. Marriage isn’t fair and we all have to make sacrifices”.

12. Don’t spend every penny you get, unless it is so little that you absolutely must. Try to put by for the proverbial “rainy day”.

13. Don’t spend all the best years of your life pinching and saving unnecessarily, until you are too old to get any pleasure out of your money.

I tried reading and reconciling tips 12 and 13, but after the fifth attempt my brain started slowly leaking out of my left ear and I had this insistent urge to shoot myself, so I had to stop. Blanche! How many women did you send into an early grave, you monster?!

14. Don’t forget that you have a right to some money to spend as you like; you earn it as wife, and mother, and housekeeper. Very likely you will spend it on the house or the children when you get it; but that doesn’t matter – it is yours to spend as you like.

Two of Blanche’s multiple personalities battle it out in the space of a few short lines: “It’s your money! You deserve it! But of course you won’t be spending it on yourself, now will you? Although remember, it’s yours!”

I cannot verify the authenticity of this photograph. Sources tell me credit cards may not have been available in 1913.

Theme Five: Feeding time

15. Don’t persist in having mushrooms on the table when you know they always make your husband ill. They may be your favourite dish, but is it worth it?

16. Don’t let your cook persist in frying steak when your husband likes it grilled, or in serving his eggs hard-boiled when he likes them milky.

17. Don’t give your husband stale bread if he prefers it new, nor new bread if it produces indigestion. Exercise a little thought in the matter.

Goddamnit, Blanche, this is the third fucking time you use three tips to say the same thing! I hate you!

Also, is your husband a total idiot? Does he automatically and indiscriminately consume anything in front of him, without evaluating what it is he’s eating? If that’s the case then feeding him stale bread is the least of your worries. You should be more concerned about all the surgeries to extract knives and warm slippers from his stomach. I hate you both!

Theme Six: Random hints of insanity

18. Don’t let your servants use paraffin for fire-lighting purposes, nor leave a newspaper fastened up in front of the fireplace to ‘ draw up’ the fire. If you do, they will probably have your house set on fire some time or other.

…what…the…fuck?!

19. Don’t forget if he is ‘nervy’ to watch if the tea habit is getting too strong in him. Nerves are often due to too much tea as to too much worry.

That’s why tea is currently banned in 175 countries. People have had enough of celebrities overdosing on packets of Earl Grey and those bergamot-junkies robbing local tea houses.

20. Don’t try to excite your husband’s jealousy by flirting with other men. You may succeed better than you want to. It is like playing with tigers and edged tools and volcanoes all in one.

Now there’s an episode of Jackass I totally would watch!

Totally!

Theme Seven: Blanche loses her mind (in way too many words)

21. Don’t bother your husband with a stream of senseless chatter if you can see that he is very fatigued. Help him to the tit-bits at dinner; modulate your voice; don’t remark on his silence. If you have any cheery little anecdote to relate, tell it with quiet humour, and by-and-by he will respond. But if you tackle him in the wrong way, the two of you will spend a miserable evening.

22. Don’t “fuss” your husband. Mistaken attentions often annoy a man dreadfully. If he comes home late after a busy day, and has a quiet little supper alone he doesn’t want you to jump up like a Jack-in-the-box with ‘would you like more pepper, darling?’ and present him with the cruet from the opposite end of the table, when he already has one in front of him. See that everything is conveniently placed for him and then leave the man alone until he has fed. Let him feel your sympathetic presence near him, but occupy yourself in reading or doing needlework; anyhow, don’t “fuss” him.

Unregulated stream of consciousness pours out of Blanche’s unravelled mind as she quietly pretends to read in the corner while her husband sits by the table chewing the tablecloth and pepper holders.

23. Don’t choose the very time your husband is at home to ‘see about’ all sorts of things in other parts of the house. Sit with him by the fire; smoke with him if it pleases you and him; read or be read to; sing or play cards with him, or chat with him about anything that interests him. It is your business to keep him amused in the evening.

…but don’t “fuss” him.