trolling

Group of people dressed as red superheroes

Email troll: “Pssst, hey…got some superpowers, man?”

2 Comments

Many a moon ago, in the ancient year of 2012, yours truly penned an article about ridiculous superpowers for sale on eBay.

Most of you read the articles, chuckled about how silly it’d be if someone naively fell for buying a magic ring that allegedly granted them invisibility, and went on with your lives.

But one man dared to be different. He read the article, bravely ignored the words inside it, and contacted me about buying some superpowers.

That man’s name is Ravi, and this is the story of our brief correspondence, delivered to you in its full, unfiltered glory.

Continue reading →

Blue Screen Yellow Lock Password

Email Troll: “Are you human?”

10 Comments

If there’s one thing about me, it’s that I get a lot of spam from all sorts of marketers. If there’s two things about me, it’s that every once in a while I troll those marketers for shits and giggles. This is one of those times. Below you find our email correspondence in its entirety. Have at it!

James Manor: “Top 5 Reasons to work with sovrn Holdings”

Hi there,

I’m interested in the unsold ad space on your website. sovrn Holdings provides display advertising that connects sites like yours to premium brands, allowing advertisers to bid on your ad space each time your page loads. We want to work with you, and think you’ll like working with us too.

Top 5 reasons to use sovrn as your display advertising provider:

  1. Access to a dedicated account manager who specializes in your content category
  2. No contracts or exclusivity agreements
  3. No ad placement requirements
  4. We work with all the major demand providers in addition to sourcing unique inventory
  5. Real-time reporting and analytics give you the information you need to make informed decisions

Do you have time to talk about working together? You can reach me by replying to this email.

Best,
James Manor

Daniel Nest

Thank you for contacting Nest’s Entertainment Emporium And Fun Extravaganza!

Due to the inordinate amount of electronic correspondence our hobby-shop receives, we have, as of August 1st, introduced a number of filtering measures.

In order for your request to be properly addressed, please provide the following:

1) Your full name [including any middle name(s)]
2) Exactly three keywords that best describe your query (e.g. “marketing,” “dog,” “defenestration”)
3) Preferred contact method
4) Answer to the following riddle, to prove you’re human: [“What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive”?]
(You can request another riddle by typing “New riddle, please” in your response)

Once the above information has been received, it will take up to [11] [days] for us to process your query. Please be patient, and do the Macarena.

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

1) James William Manor
2) Money For Nest
3) email
4) A severed hand has four fingers, a thumb and is not alive… but I guess a glove could work too

Feel free to email me with any additional riddles – seems like a good way to break up the day! I’d also love to discuss making you more money for your advertising; but, riddles wouldn’t hurt in the meantime. I attached some general information about what we do as well.

Look forward to hearing some new riddles, and hopefully discussing monetization of your site.

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Dear [James William Manor],

Thank you for your response.

Unfortunately, your answer to 4) was incorrect.

You have answered: [A severed hand has four fingers, a thumb and is not alive… but I guess a glove could work too]

The correct answer was: [Glove]

Please answer the following riddle to prove you’re human: [“What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”]

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

If both my answers were correct, does that make me two humans?

The answer to your second one is: Carrot

-James

Daniel Nest

Dear [James William Manor],

Your human status has hereby been confirmed by our automated computer software.

The subject of your inquiry is [Money For Nest].

Please provide further details. A human operator will process your request.

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

I hope this email finds you well. My Name is James – I work at sovrn Holdings, based in Boulder, Colorado. We are a partner to publishers, helping them grow their revenue per by aligning some of the best brands in the in the country to their unsold display, mobile and video inventory. I would love to discuss your current monetization strategy on nest-expressed.com

At sovrn, we currently partner with over 20,000 publishers, 2 million websites and handle around 1 billion ad calls per day. Our RTB network directly connects you to the all the largest buyers in the industry; companies like Turn, Invite, Bidswitch – ensuring maximum revenue from your advertising space.

We have no contracts, or fees, so we typically set up a test run for a few weeks to show you how we can perform – or make any necessary adjustments. Sign up is extremely easy, and we could get your site live by this afternoon. A trial comes at no cost to you, and we provide tools to understand your audience – and resources to monetize it.

Would you be interested in setting up a test?

Feel free to email me if you’d like more information, or have any questions. I’m happy to set up a call if that is more convenient for you; look forward to hearing from you soon!

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Hi James,

Are you sure you got the right person? This is Daniel here. Who are you trying to get a hold of?

Daniel

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for getting back to me. I’m interested in discussing the current advertising strategy for nest-expressed, are you who I should be talking to? I think there’s a lot of potential for additional advertising revenue, and I wanted to discuss in detail what sovrn could do to help you reach that potential.

If I’m contacting the wrong person, could you put me in touch with whoever deals with your current advertising? Hope to hear back from you soon.

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Hi James,

Reaching potentials is one of my favorite hobbies. Drinking Cherry Coke and eating corn dogs is probably the other one, but I wouldn’t know since I haven’t ever tasted them.

But you must have gotten the wrong person, because I don’t advertise any “current” at all. You’re probably thinking of some large electricity companies, like American Electric Power or Florida Municipal Power Agency. Have you tried contacting any of those?

Daniel

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

I’m just going to assume you are uninterested unless you signal otherwise. If you would like to discuss increasing your revenues from advertising I would be happy to continue our conversation. Otherwise, I wish your site all the best, and hope to work with you in the future.

Best,
James

Well, James…if you’re reading this, I guess now you know for sure. Do try to get in touch with those corporations though, they usually love reaching all sorts of potential.

Green Question Mark

Email Troll: “Riddle me this…”

16 Comments

The thing about spammy email marketers is that they work from a script. They’re like a parrot with a few memorised phrases. No matter what you say to them, they’ll reply with their prepackaged spiel. Well, not all of them, it turns out. Sometimes, a marketer comes along that truly engages with you. A marketer who responds to your questions, who is willing to play by your rules. When that happens, it’s beautiful! You make a connection. You exchange ideas. You laugh. You cry. You share a moment. And then, just as suddenly as it had started, it’s all over. Yet the memory lives on.

Without further ado, here’s another real-life email exchange from yesterday, (almost) unfiltered and uncut. Enjoy:

Kyra:
I certainly hope you’re doing well today.

My name is Kyra – I am an account manager at sovrn Holdings, formerly Lijit Netwroks/Federated Media Publishing, based in Boulder, Colo. I’m reaching out to talk with you about your site’s advertising, specifically the unsold ad space. We have strengthened our network greatly in the past few months, and I would love you to be a part of it; we’ve created a network that focuses on creating mutually beneficial financial relationships between advertisers and publishers- creators of websites.

Would you be able to talk this week about working together? If so, you may reach me via e-mail or at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.

Thanks for your time,
Kyra

Me:
Hi Kyra,

Creating mutually beneficial financial relationships is, like, my third favourite thing. The first two are oranges and Persian rugs from the 1872–1874 era.

When do we start?

Kyra:
Hey Daniel;

Would you care to set up a call to further discuss this? Or are there any questions that I can answer for you now?

Kyra

Me:
Hi Kyra,

That depends. What is your level of expertise on Persian rugs from the late 1800s? On a scale of 1 to 16.5?

Also, I don’t believe you have given me your name yet.

Kyra:
Hello Daniel;

My name is Kyra and I work for a company called sovrn – formerly lijit.

As far as Persian Rugs, unfortunately I do not know much about them, though I could discuss their aesthetic importance with you.

Regards,

kyra

Me:
Hi again Karla,

Lijit? Sounds legit!

Persian rugs are the best, aren’t they? I could just sit all day watching the patterns. So mesmerising. The depth of the colours. The nuances of their design. It really makes life worth living.

How can I help you, Kira?

Kyra:
Hello Daniel;

Are you on Skype so that we might further discuss this vocally?

Kyra

Me:
Sure thing, Kathrine. Vocal discussions are the best type of audible communication. Tapping your fingers against a steel pipe is a much worse way to get your message across.

Skype? Is that the evil computer from Terminator 2? I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Kyle.

But enough about me, let’s talk about you!

Kyra:
What is the best way to reach you to discuss?

Kyra

Me:
Alright, let’s do it this way: Are you familiar with Microsoft Messenger?

Kyra:
Unfortunately I do not have Microsoft Messenger. I do have access to either Skype or FaceTime through Apple.

Kyra

Me:
What a coincidence, I don’t have Microsoft Messenger either! Phew, what a relief!

Karen, I believe you and I are soulmates. Do you believe in destiny, Kat?

Kyra:
Have you ever considered monetizing your site before? It looks as though you could make the profit if you did.

Me:
Monetizing things usually results in more profit than NOT monetizing them. That’s typically true. Unless you lose everything, that is.

I’ll tell you a story. There was once a girl in my class, she was about yay high. Blond hair. Green eyes. Bald. She always talked about wanting to see a zebra. But we didn’t have any zebras available, so somebody tried to steal one from the zoo and sell it to a guy named David. For profit. You could say they were trying to monetize that zebra. To make a long story short, they’re all in jail now.

Kyra:
It’s certainly I good thing that what we are doing is completely legal, and would only require you place our ad tags on your site so that you may receive a profit based on ad impressions made to your readers. You see, Daniel, the Median is the Message. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_medium_is_the_message

Regards,
Kyra

Me:
It’s certainly a good thing that you are not a bot, Kiki. I enjoy partaking in legal activities that result in exponential monetization of financial liquidity.

Let us start the process of creating profitable revenues. But first, a test! I shall reveal my contact number to you, two digits at a time. To reveal each pair of digits, you have to answer a riddle.

First riddle: What’s blue and has no arms?

Kyra:
Fair enough.

Answer one: water

Me:
Actually, the correct answer was “tuna sandwich.” It’s like you’re not even trying!

Kyra:
Forgive me, I didn’t realize we were throwing Dadaistic answers out.

At any rate, if you are interested in working with my company and I, please do let me know. If you are I can send the onboarding survey your way and we can create tags for your site. If not, I will certainly stop contacting you.

Kyra

Me:
Question four: What sings but isn’t Beyonce?

Kyra:
Every other person ever.

Me:
A person cannot be a “what”!

How much do you earn from spamming people, Karla?

Kyra:
As I said, please do let me know if you change your mind. I will leave you alone if this is considered spamming to you and you are not interested in working with us.

Me:
I’ve changed my mind. The answer’s no longer “tuna sandwich,” it’s “Norway.”

Do you know any good riddles?

Kyra:
Consider the following two sentences:

(1) Hesperus is Hesperus.

(2) Hesperus is Phosphorus.

We can begin by noting that each of these sentences is true, and that ‘Hesperus’ refers to the same object as ‘Phosphorus’ (the planet Venus). Nonetheless, (1) and (2) seem to differ in what Frege called cognitive value. One way of analyzing this notion is to say that a person could rationally believe (1) while denying (2). The problem, however, is that proper names are often taken to have no meaning beyond their reference (a view often associated with John Stuart Mill). But this seems to imply that if a person knows the meanings of the words in (1) and (2), he cannot rationally believe one and deny the other: (1) and (2) are synonymous.

Me:
I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I really really really wanna zig a zig ah!

Question: What’s a “zig a zig ah”?

______________________________________________________________________________

Unfortunately, it’s at this point that Kyra finally decided to give up on me. And we were so close! Guess we’ll never solve the mystery of zig a zig ah, after all.

Blue And Yellow Tank Toy

Email Troll: “Tanks of South Africa”

12 Comments

You know that I’m no stranger to trolling spammers, scammers, and other unpleasant residents of cyberspace.

I have published a lot of my correspondence with such characters before.

Here comes another one. A certain scamming lady with a hilarious name Amina Gogo needed my help and was willing to pay me 15.5 million dollars for it. Below is our correspondence.

(As always, you can skim most of her emails—it’s standard scam template stuff.)

Side note: Why do all scammers insist on using the word “modality” and its derivatives? Is there some “Scamming 101” book that highlights it as a magic hypnotic word or something? I need to know!

Amina:

Good day,

I am quite sure that this mail will surprise you since we did not know each other before. But I searched & got your e-mail contact through Google.com for formal Introduction, I am Ms.Amina Gogo, Formal Protocol officer to late Mo’tassim Gaddafi.

My reason of contacting you is because I am looking for a Trustworthy person that I can present to the bank as the owner/ beneficiary of US$15.5M fix deposit in one of the Banks in Southern Africa. This was made during one of our trips last 2years to Southern African countries.

Reply if you can and more details will be giving to you on how the claim of this fund will be done in your name.Kindly reply via below email: msaminagogo9@gmail.com

Regards
Ms.Amina Gogo

Me:

Ms. Amina,

I am willing to help with the beneficiary of a bank person’s owner of 15.5M for formal protocol.

Please tell me what I can do!

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Daniel Nest

I want to Thank you for taken time to read my letter, meanwhile I have to use this opportunity to tell you how it can be done and to assure you that this transaction that we are about to go into is 100% legitimate and risk free. So there is nothing for you to worry about.

Please note that I will prefer we keep email communication at this stage, for the security of myself and my three kids, because we are still hidden to avoid face reprisal by some NTC loyalist.

For the benefit of this transaction, I will like you to note that the source of this fund was money assigned to me during the uprising in Libya, to travel to one of the Southern African country to negotiate and purchase (Arms) for the suppression of the upraising and civil war during that time. On that mission, I managed to divert part of the fund and fixed it in one of the local bank there. I told the bank that the fund belongs to a Business Partner who asked me to fix the fund on a fixed deposit account for one year.

The reason why I am soliciting for your assistance is because the bank sent me a notice, when the 1yrs elapsed, asking me to provide my Business Partner and again this week another reminder was sent to me that they are expecting my business Partner or next of kin for the claiming of the fixed amount, I was informed that the 2013 financial audit returns order stated clearly that failure to have such funds claimed, after years deadline, fund will be revoke or declared as profit after tax to the Bank or paid into the government treasury.

It was due to this dramatic turn of event that I decide to contact you, as to present you to the bank as my business partner / beneficiary to the fixed deposit.

To enable us facilitate this transaction, I will request you to send to me the following information stated bellow

Your full name:
Address:
Phone/fax no:
Country of origin:
Age:
Sex:
Occupation:
Nationality

With the above information, I will use it to file application/letter of Indemnity to the bank informing them that my business partner will be contacting them, to claim on my behalf the Fix Deposit. As soon as I hear back from you, more details will be given to you.

Note: for your help, you will have 35% of the total fund, While 60% for me and 5% will be use for the expenses that may be incurred in the process.

Finally, I want to guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate frame work that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Your urgent response will be appreciated.

Regards
Amina Gogo.

Me:

Ms. Amina!

I didn’t really understand much of your letter, but it was enough that it’s all 100% legitimate and risk free. I like those words!

I once had my face reprised by some 3TPCD loyalists, too, so I know what it feels like, apart from the fact that I don’t. I will help in any way I can.

When exactly do you expect me to be in South Africa?! Shall I bring my own arms or will these be provided directly upon arrival? At the moment I only have an old Super Soaker, but with proper upgrades it can be turned into a pretty effective makeshift flamethrower.

I await your orders.

Daniel over and out!

Amina:

Dear Mr..Daniel,

I have a banker there in South Africa who assisted me at the time I deposited the fund and he will still be of good help in this transaction.

I also want you to know that the banker will be in a very good position to detail you on the procedures to follow to receive this fund in my favor. I also guarantee you that this is safe and it will be done in a legitimate frame work. All you need to do is to work with the banker.

Your urgent reply will enable me connect you with the Banker so that both of you can go into direct communication and work out all the required modalities.

Yours truly,

Mrs. Amina Gogo

Me:

Dear Amina,

Perfect! I have already fashioned a sort of tank out of a Nerf gun and a tricycle I’ve borrowed from my neighbours’ three-year-old daughter, and which I don’t have to return until next Friday. I’m all set!

Will you provide a steamship ticket to South Africa, or will I have to swim there on my own? I don’t want to sound negative, but if it’s the latter I may need around a week to get there (I’m guessing South Africa is at least as far from here as Budapest).

All modalities are ready and all systems go, as they say in Star Wars.

Let’s rock this house!

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Sir

I received your mail. Kindly feel free to contact the banker with the below details he will tell you all the procedures regard the claim of the funds,

Foreign Operation Department
Bidvest Bank
Mr. Gavin Kumar

Sir, always keep me posted in all your communications with him.

I wait to hear from you.

Regards,
Amina

Me (to Gavin):

Hi Gavin,

Amina said you’re the man to sponsor my coup in South Africa. How do we proceed?

Daniel

Amina:

Dear Daniel Nest

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail for voluntarily trying to be of assistance in this transaction. But before getting to exited on this whole transaction now, I will as a matter of cautiousness request that you give me a brief explanation of who you are, what you do for a living and most importantly, your direct phone number. This will help the banker to be in a direct communication with you and to ascertain our business relationship.

Your urgent response to this mail will be highly appreciated and we shall take it further from here. Please be informed that this fund in question is all that I have now and I have to be very careful on who I am dealing with to avoid running into a wrong hand.

On receipt of your response and with the few things needed from you, we shall give you more details on how we are going to get this transaction done on your arrival to Johannesburg. I would like to know from you if you have contacted the banker kindly keep me posted.

Sincerely,
Amina

Me:

Miss Amina?

I am confused. I was writing to Gavin. Did you hack into this conversation to steal our rightful money? I am getting a bit suspicious of this whole operation, and I am even reconsidering lending my excellent pottery skills to it.

Daniel

Amina stopped writing after this. I guess I caught her red-handed in an attempt to prevent my conquest of Africa. Good riddance!

Red Head Doll With Blue Bow

Email Troll: “Dolls R Us”

11 Comments

So another one of those wonderful content marketers contacted me two days ago.

She obviously did her research. By that I mean she typed the word “doll” into her browser and stumbled blindly into my famous “10 Dolls To Haunt Your Children’s Dreams” post.

Her email read:

Hi – How are you?

I was at your website today and found this blog: https://nest-expressed.com/dolls-haunt-childrens-dreams

I work for a company called [Company Name – Redacted]. We are building the best place to go on the internet to find and buy items for avid collectors.

We would love to feature your blog on our Dolls Facebook page with over 20,700 fans. In return we would like to have a link to our [Company Site] on your blog.

We think that your blog offers great content and something our Dolls fans would love reading about. We also think that the readers of your blog would enjoy seeing some of the great Dolls items in [Company Site]. Let me know if you are interested and I’ll send over our logo and link, then we’ll schedule a time to post about you on our FB page.

Best,
[Lady’s Name]
[Company Name]

You may know my blog as many things, but I doubt you view it as a doll-friendly place. Sure, I have previously written about dolls. However, all of my doll posts have dealt exclusively with how mind-warpingly creepy they are.

I made my opinion about such spammy content marketing requests abundantly clear. Nevertheless, I am a kind and compassionate soul. So, of course, I responded to the woman:

Hi [Name],

I am delighted that you have recognised my blog for the ultimate doll resource it is. I strive every day to provide curated, informative, and unbiased doll content.

As such, I have rather strict guidelines when it comes to accepting other doll sites. But you seem trustworthy.

To help me make a decision, may I please ask:

1) How often are your dolls exorcised? Hopefully at least once a month, you know how they get otherwise!

2) Are any of them prone to bouts of anti-human aggression? If so, have there been injuries?

3) When I say “The spirit of Lucifer inhabits this one,” you say…?

Looking forward to your honest reply.

Doll guru and tamer,
Daniel

Bafflingly, I am yet to hear back from her. I hope those dolls didn’t hurt her, or something. Time will tell.

Dog Wearing a Crown

Email Troll: “Reign Of Dogs”

12 Comments

Just a few weeks after my post about liars trying to get links, I was contacted by yet another “content marketer”. From this point on, the word “content marketer” is interchangeable with “spammer.”

Apparently my blog is a shining beacon of light in the fashion industry, because this marketer figured my audience would be ecstatic to hear from his fancy dress company.

Yet again the marketer lied about having read and enjoyed my posts. Yet again I responded with a reference to a non-existent post. Yet again the marketer lied about having read that fake post. These guys must have attended the same “Bullshit 101” course in late October.

Here’s the correspondence:

 

Sam:

Hello,

My name is Sam and i am currently working on behalf of a fancy dress company called [EDITED OUT].

I have spent some time on your site this afternoon and really like the posts that you have written or had written and published on your blog. Following this i was wondering if you would be interested in receiving and publishing an article written on or around the subject of christmas costumes? I feel this would be highly relevant and good viewing for your fellow bloggers.

I hope this would be of interest to you and any feedback or suggestions on this to make the article appeal to you would be appreciated. I look forward to your response.

Kind Regards,

Sam

 

Daniel:

Hi Sam,

Exciting. Is it my “Dog Kimono” post that got you to write me? That post took quite a bit of research and two weeks living among dogs!

Daniel

 

Sam:

Hello Daniel,

Yes that was the post, i found the article very interesting.

I was wondering if you accept guest posts?

Kind Regards,

Sam

 

Daniel:

Hi Sam,

That’s so cool. The crazy thing about dogs is that they have at least eleven different barks for “danger” and seventeen barks for “nap time.” Did you know that?

I accept many things, but I accept our future overlords—dogs—above all!

How about you, Sam?

Daniel

 

Sadly, Sam never wrote back. I’m not sure if it’s because he found out I was on to him, or because he’s now frantically preparing for the impending dog apocalypse. I hope it’s the latter.

From now on I think I’ll start answering content marketers with a link to the “Want Links? Make an effort!” post and leave it at that.

Until then…woof woof!

Shattered Red Heart Shadow

Lyuba: last chapter

22 Comments

This will be the last post about Lyuba. Like most trilogies, this saga will end with chapter three.

This sad story started about a month ago, then went through a rough period when Lyuba stopped writing back.

Lyuba wrote again last week, but her return was bitter-sweet. You see, I have realised something. Lyuba is not who she says she is.

Yes, as much as it hurts me to admit, Lyuba is insane. Here are some signs:

  • She is unable to read, even though she writes. Clearly, Lyuba was unable to retain any new information about me or answer any of my questions.
  • She started to respond to two separate email threads from me, but with the same message. She seems to believe I’m two different people.
  • She sees robots, everywhere. You’ll understand soon enough.

Finally, in her last email she requested money from me. Who would have seen this coming? Not I, certainly. She is claiming she needs money for the trip to “my country”, but I know the painful truth: Lyuba is behind on her asylum bills. I don’t believe in therapy and therefore decided to cut off all ties and stop writing to Lyuba. It hurts, but tough love is better than no love.

What follows is our last bit of correspondence.  While Lyuba’s emails are inane ramblings of a dangerous lunatic, I am including them. You may wish to skim through, they’re only there for the record. I hope you, too, agree that Lyuba cannot be helped.

_____________________________________________

Lyuba, 13-09-2013

Hello my dear, ahhhh, I still came home from work, hot outside.

Friday is over, so tomorrow the weekend. Today, it was a sunny morning, so very hot. By the calendar mid-September, beginning of a beautiful autumn, and then it will be hot for long.

We now the sun shines brightly and the beautiful weather. At night about +20 +22 degrees Celsius. Now I’m home and happy to read your kind letter! Thank you, you warms me! How is the weather at you?

Today, my mother cooked borsh, have you ever tried Russian borsh???:) This is a delicious soup, and may be in the future I will be able feed you this dish. It would be great to do it.

So my mother a good cook, since my childhood I have always been involved in cooking in the kitchen. It is not even a hobby. I also collect recipes. I love to experiment and invent itself their specialties! While were still satisfied with my food, and no more who is not poisoned.

Sometimes my mom arranged culinary fights. All day we had prepared a variety of delicious dishes, and then in the evening we came to visit, and after dinner, we were interested in what dish tastier. Previously won my mother, but now we are ready to the same level. I’ll be glad to know what is your favorite dish?

Today, talking to my parents about a future trip. They are very worried about me because I’m the only daughter, and when I go to you, the parents were alone will greatly miss me.

But so they are very happy that I met you. Mom knows you’re older me, and it is positive to treat this. My dad just over my mom for 14 years, even with such a difference, our family is very happy and safe!

It is very interesting to communicate with you. So I always wanted to meet the man of my age. And you know I even very nice, I feel the power in you. You are more experienced in life, relationship with a woman. Do you know how to make a woman happy. Write me what you think in this case? What is for you the most important thing in life?

My heart does not give me peace of mind, I’m worried! With each passing day, our meeting gets closer. As you already know, I organize my travel.

September 18 I am going to Moscow for an interview and a visa. So I need to know exactly in which airport I fly? Can you meet me at the airport? I think after obtaining a visa, we will organize a trip at the end of September or beginning of October.

But I want to come to you for the first time at 15-16 days for a short vacation, so we take a closer look, we learned about our desires and dreams.

I hope we we will build a strong relationship. Then I will have to go to Russia, because my vacation is over. You’re probably worried and worried before our meeting. But I’m not going to think about the future, time will tell…

Hopefully, when I arrive to you, you introduced me to his relatives, introduce me to your friends and loved ones! I will be interested in learning more about your family! I will end this letter and attached to some photo of me and my city.

I wish you all the best for today, let your day will be a success, hard kiss and hug you! I hope you could feel my sweet kiss on his lips!

Your Lyuba

P.S. I hope you had a wonderful day

 

Lyuba, 16-09-2013

Good evening my sweet kitten! May I call you a kitten? I am very glad that you’re back with me, it’s like you’re somewhere close!

I already feel that it will happen soon. Today was a very intense day.

I finished all the works on the job and is now officially a thing of the holiday. Tomorrow is Tuesday, but I will need to come in the morning to work at 30 minutes, give another recent documents manager and I am free! How was your day?

So I was at my aunt Valya. She prepared a very special delicious dessert, it was a cake with apples, covered with cream. You just no idea what a delicious cake is ready, my aunt, from can not refuse. Mmmmm … it’s wonderful

And, yet, we talked a lot about life, about love. I told my aunt that im do not like other men, in you there is something special that I was very attracts. By the way my aunt gave me a gift that I must necessarily give you from my aunt. It will be a surprise for you, but this has remain a mystery.

Today I collected some things for my trip. And I’m very excited and a little bit with fear waiting for this beautiful moment of our meeting! No, do not worry, it’s not terrible it is the fear of pleasure, fear of something unknown. Mom tried to teach me as a young child, which is sent far away. And in fact it is. Just my mother is very worried and is going through, because she can not see me long time.

And very excited and a little with the fear of waiting beautiful moment. Already looking forward to it when I see you. You do not have to worry, I will not do for the additional difficulties and We can meet with free time for you. You will be my guide. Agreed? 🙂

I have a suggestion! I wish I could talk to you on phone. And really want to hear your voice. What do you think about this? Please write me your phone number and country code, and what time is best to call you.

Today to call the embassy to clarify the interview. Namely, in the Thursday, September 19 at 10:00 am I will have an interview at Embassy. So after tomorrow night, I’ll go to Moscow. Distance from Saratov to Moscow almost 900km, so I’ll be up all night in way. And arrive in Moscow on Thursday morning. And if I have successful interview, I can travel to you. Now I would like to have wings and fly to you. You have not noticed?

I’m getting close my fluffy kitten. I sit next to you, and Look carefully. I try to make out the features of your caro, and watching as you read this letter.

And watch as your face, it expression changes on the process of reading these words.

It would be nice suggest that these words touch your heart, and if so, do you feel?

Allow me to make my words soft touch you, and not just my words, but also my feelings that are born to you, gently and tenderly embrace you. You feel them warm?

I hope these words to warm you, and bring a smile to your face. Allow to that feeling has never left you!

Now I will go for a walk with the dog. After the walk, I want to take a glass “MM’s”. You love MM’s? Black or yellow? Mm’s is my favorite treat.

And watch a movie with my parents. Write to me, as you will have the opportunity to look will be waiting for your answer! I wish a pleasant evening …

Your Lyuba


Daniel, 17-09-2013

Hello, my marshmallow-faced burglar-baby!

Aaaahhhhhh!

Ouch!

I sprained my finger typing that. Sorry.

Tuesday is over, so tomorrow not Tuesday.

Borsh? You crazy, Lyuba. That’s not even a word. Why are you making up words, Lyuba?

I am happy that everyone who wasn’t poisoned by your food is satisfied with it. If you poison the rest, you’ll have the perfect score. Wink wink.

I also sometimes have culinary fights, but they usually end up with me scraping take-out Chinese off the walls.

Please, Lyuba, send me a picture of your dog. I will frame it and wear it on my neck at all times, so that his spirit can protect me. I, of course, assume that he’s a Russian Borzoi. I hear that’s the only dog they have in Russia. It is true, yes?

Lyuba, you ask such silly questions. Please, just fly to the central airport of my country, where all the planes land. It is very simple.

Your aunt made dessert? Sounds like your family is all about making and eating food. What a coincidence! That’s, like, literally how the rest of the world is too.

Lyuba, I hear only one in ten people who visit the Embassy in Moscow ever come back. I hear the rest are sent to work in the mines, or even worse, in McDonald’s. Please be careful, Lyuba. But, if you do end up working in McDonald’s, I am partial to their milkshakes. Wink Wink. Ha, I do this a lot, yes?

When you said that you sit close to me and look, I turned around and nobody was there. Why the lies? Although I did feel kind of warm and fuzzy. Those electrical heaters malfunction in the most unpredictable ways.

I am afraid we cannot talk on the phone. I am under surveillance by the FBI, CIA, YMCA and The Bee Gees. I would rather not get into details here, but I will make sure to tell you all about it when we meet in my country.

Yes, I also enjoy a good glass of M&Ms in the evening. Who wouldn’t want to eat M&Ms out of a glass?! Crazy people, that’s who!

Lyuba, time draws near, adventures await, plot thickens, clouds gather, music crescendoes. Do not hesitate. Do not stop. Run. Run, Lyuba, run. You are almost there! He’s getting close now. Faster. NOOOOOOOOOO!

White stripes, Daniel

PS: Bring Skittles.

 

Lyuba, 20-09-2013

Good morning, my dear kitten!

Why are you silent? I’m excited! I came home from Moscow. So it will be easier to plan for the future. On Thursday I had an interview and I successfully passed it. I execute all documents and put a visa. Now I can go to you!

Today I will be going to travel agency and will be booking travel. And I think in the end of August we will have a meeting.

I was very lonely in Moscow, but I also watched a lot of beautiful places! When I was in Moscow, the time it seemed like an eternity.

Around were some robots. 15 million robots. You know what I noticed? They constantly somewhere late.

While I was in Moscow, I visited many beautiful places. I watched Gorky Park, visited two of the museum. Was in the Tretyakov Gallery.

So he traveled to many interesting places. I have so far is a holiday, and we now hope to plan a meeting.

Tell me please, how you doing? I hope you are well? What are you doing today? What are your plans for tonight?

Your phone I do not have. And therefore I can not call.

And if you have the opportunity, please call me. And I can answer you!

I really want to hear your voice!

Write me please.

Have a good day and I embrace.

Your Lyuba

 

Daniel, 21-09-2013

Lyuba,

This has gone too far. I refuse to mislead you any longer. You deserve to know the truth.

You may want to sit down for this. Alternatively, you might want to jump up, jump up, and get down. Understand?

Lyuba, I am a robotic assassin, sent back from the future. My mission here is to find and kill Sarah Connor.

However, now that you came along I am experiencing what is colloquially known as a “Z2 Type-C Protoplasmic Malfunction of Code Red Severity”. You have short circuited something in my circuits and now I no longer wish to kill anyone. I want to fly uninhibited through the clouds like a butterfly or a black plastic bag carried by a gust of wind.

Something you said, however, troubled me. You said you saw 15 million robots in the metropolis you humans call “Moscow”. This is a clear sign of an escalation. An invasion is coming, Lyuba, and you have been chosen. You can pick your new name – Neo or John Connor? Act fast, for we don’t have much time.

As a token of trust, I am now finally ready to reveal a photo of me that you have been asking for. I have added a few fake features to protect my identity, but this is the best I can do under the circumstances:

Robot With Mustache

I hope you like what you see. I’m not what you’d call “athletic”, but I do have all of my appendages in anatomically accurate locations.

Also, here is my phone number. It is scrambled using the Alpha Crux Matrix protocol, so you’ll need to use its reverse polarization to decode it. Here:

AABJ1 – 009ML – ET – 2

I am hoping to hear from you very soon, Lyuba. Hurry. Winter is coming!

Till death do us part. Your death, that is. I am physically incapable of dying.

Yours electronically,
T1732

 

Lyuba, 24-09-2013

My kitten, I do not know how to begin to write you a letter.

Therefore I do not know what to do! Since I could not find a solution problems. I try to use all the features. I speak today morning with their parents. They do everything they can to help with my travel. They are looking for money for my trip.

They do all opportunity for me. But I understand that they can not collect on all money for me. And just because of that, because of a desperate situation. I ask your help!

My kitten, excuse me please, I am creating you problems. But i need your help only a little while. I will organize a trip for 4 october. It’s Friday.

And I will come to you in 14 days. The cost of the trip in 1470 euros I paid 1100 euros, and I need another 370 euros to pay for your entire tour price. I need your help.

Today I was trying to find the money. But all my efforts were not effective. I asked for help from relatives and parents. But they said they could not help me.

Before traveling to Moscow they has helped me. But it was not enough. I’m sorry that because of a problems, I have to tell you about it. To fly to thee, i need 370euro, but what I do now?!

I am sending you a copy of my documents, because I understand that this is a large sum of money. Please tell me please, what do you do in this situation.

But I hope that the plans for our meeting have not changed. And I just want one that you was next to me, and to look into your eyes. And if we overcome obstacle, we will meet.

I hope that very soon we’ll be together.

Please write to me as soon as possible. I’ll be waiting!

Your kitty, Lyuba

Broken Heart Red

Lyuba left me…I think

8 Comments

I knew it was too good to be true.

It’s been only a few days since I last told you of Lyuba, my email love. This wonderful she-man from Saratov-Stavropol came into my life via email and immediately stole my heart, my sleep, and my ability to construct sentences. Now it appears that (s)he left me just as unexpectedly.

I don’t know what made Lyuba lose interest. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to his or her needs. Maybe I acted too desperately.

I will never know, but I will cherish the memory of the fun times we have shared. Below you find our last exchange. Perhaps you can help shed light on what went wrong.

In the meantime, I will hold on to a glimmer of hope that Lyuba will still return.

_____________________________________________

Daniel, 08-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

You do not reply anymore! I am going crazy like Lady Gaga on a trampoline. Please, do not play with my toys. No, wait. I meant: do not toy with my heart.

Hope you write back, Lyuba.

Simply red,
Daniel


Lyuba, 09-09-2013

Hello my sun, I hope you have come home, and you have a pleasant stay in the evening?

If you want, I’ll make you a cup of tasty hot tea? Do you drink tea without sugar or maybe a slice of lemon? Please, smile, kiss.

I nice to hear from you again answer. Thank you very much for your kind words and care. All day I would like to come home and see your letter. Today I have had a longest day, you had to take reports over the past month to do the work and finish some business with customers.

Tomorrow also be a difficult day. I need to complete all my projects, and pass all my work in the hands of another manager. And then I can go on vacation with peace of mind. I plan to organize a guided tour.

In the near future we will be able to meet face to face, and will be closer acquaintance, and develop our relationship! Your country for me is something very new, I had never been abroad. I also have no public friends there, so I would very much like you to be my friend, and may be more than that!

For me the most important thing in our relationship is, above all, mutual understanding, caring, trust, and pure feelings. I think it is most important that there should be between a man and woman. I’m ready to give everything for a man whom I love. I value more than anything else. Give all my love and affection, completely giving of themselves to our relations.

However, I would like to feel much male support and attention to me. The most important thing for women to love and be loved. Only in such a relationship is born robust, reliable family. I am ready to do anything to create a family, where everyone will feel happy and welcome!

For my ideal future husband, is a reliable, good, fair, moderately modest man with a great life potential, in which there is a feature, and of course sexuality and romance!

And what your thoughts?

I think that’s where I finish my letter, and I will gather go to bed. I’m not too tired you with your answer? Tomorrow I need to get up to early to go to work, and to complete all of my affairs.

I hope you liked my tea, and you will be happy to read the letter from me, and with a smile on his face continued this evening!

I wish you good mood and success!
All the best, Lyuba


Daniel, 09-09-2013

Hello my intergalactic gravity-defying phenomenon!

Lyuba, what do you do to me? You must know I am allergic to lemon! Your tea has made me very sick. I was rushed to the hospital at 2 hours past midnight with a bloated head and a pair of giant whiskers growing out of my ears. They had to move my right kidney to the left, and vice versa, in order to reverse the reaction and bring me back to normal. Throughout the whole procedure I was semi-conscious and screaming lyrics to “I Will Survive” in Swahili. It was terrible.

I am OK now, Lyuba, but you must promise me to never put lemon in my tea again. Can you do that for me?

I am sad to hear you have never visited a foreign land. That guy Stalin is a ruthless dictator and I hope that one day they bring down his horrific regime.

I have never visited a foreign land apart from my country either, but that is because I have a mild case of phallanxophobia, which is the fear of an ancient Greek army suddenly showing up and stabbing me with spears. To the best of my knowledge I am the only person with this disorder, but my doctor assures me I can be helped. Then again, he always assures me I can be helped: he lives in my head! Ha, ha, crazy person humour.

Listen, Lyuba, while I don’t wish to roundhouse kick a dead horse in the face, but I must repeat my question about your gender surgery. I feel you’re avoiding it on purpose, which, of course won’t fly. It won’t even crawl or boogie, if you catch my drift.

My ideal relationship will include love, passion, gummy bears and other nouns, quantifiable and otherwise. And another person who isn’t me. My ideal relationship would involve another person. Ideally.

Lyuba, I feel I should not trouble you any longer. You must promise me to never give up, always move forward, and sometimes thirty degrees to the right, but never, Lyuba, never should you turn left, for left is where evil lurks.

Until your next letter brings ten smiles (and hopefully no whiskers) to my face, I bid you goodbye.

Deep purple,
Daniel


Daniel, 11-09-2013

Lyuba!

I am puzzled! You always disappear like a tornado in a cup of noodles. Why do you play these games?

Please let me know that you are still OK and tell me more about your wacky shenanigans in the land of the Communist Party.

Green day,
Daniel

The last chapter of the correspondence is right here.

***

There Is MoreI am an expert on scammers and trolling thereof. Here:

My correspondence with a scammer

Mark Zuckerberg is giving me prizes!

How to write a scam letter

Twitter Bird Puking

Twitter Trolling Time

28 Comments

Get ready for more trolling.

There are two reasons for this post:

  1. I find Twitter trolling fun.
  2. The amount of Twitter trolling I’ve done lately is enough for a mini post.
  3. Everyone is allowed to be a narcissist once in a while.
  4. I can’t count.

So, as you may have gathered from my repeat references to Twitter  trolling, I’ve been doing some trolling lately. On Twitter.

I have a bit of a history with email trolling of scammers and eBay trolling of shady salesemen. It was only a matter of time before I moved on to Twitter.

I don’t just troll people willy-nilly, though. Not yet, anyways.

Instead I find those I deem worthy of a trolling treatment. Who are they? So far there were two types:

  1. The annoying spammers of wise or inspirational quotes.
  2. Companies, because down with the man and all that stuff.
  3. I made you think I was going to do the math joke here again, but then I didn’t.

Since I have recently unfollowed a lot of specifically these types of accounts, I didn’t have any to pick from in my Twitter stream. Instead, I had to actually go out and search for them. I have no life.

I’m not censoring any names, since all of these conversations are publicly available on Twitter. Here goes:

Nokia are amazed by their own product. Shocking.

Doing things yourself or doing yourself? Don’t answer that!

Potential cross-platform issues.

Rhyming for success.

It’s a legitimate question.

Dictionary to the rescue!

When you assume you make an ass of your marketing.

Insanity breeds inspiration.

Creating stuff with your mind, X-Men style. They did that, right?

Flawless logic.

I know who I am!

That’s all for now, but the annoying Twitter troll in me lives on. Who knows what the future brings?

***

There Is MoreFor other Twitter-related stuff, check out:

9 types of people I unfollow on Twitter

The 5 types of junk in my Twitter Direct Messages inbox

House of Coates: a cautionary tale