Broken Heart Red

Lyuba left me…I think

I knew it was too good to be true.

It’s been only a few days since I last told you of Lyuba, my email love. This wonderful she-man from Saratov-Stavropol came into my life via email and immediately stole my heart, my sleep, and my ability to construct sentences. Now it appears that (s)he left me just as unexpectedly.

I don’t know what made Lyuba lose interest. Maybe I came on too strong. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to his or her needs. Maybe I acted too desperately.

I will never know, but I will cherish the memory of the fun times we have shared. Below you find our last exchange. Perhaps you can help shed light on what went wrong.

In the meantime, I will hold on to a glimmer of hope that Lyuba will still return.

_____________________________________________

Daniel, 08-09-2013

Dear Lyuba,

You do not reply anymore! I am going crazy like Lady Gaga on a trampoline. Please, do not play with my toys. No, wait. I meant: do not toy with my heart.

Hope you write back, Lyuba.

Simply red,
Daniel


Lyuba, 09-09-2013

Hello my sun, I hope you have come home, and you have a pleasant stay in the evening?

If you want, I’ll make you a cup of tasty hot tea? Do you drink tea without sugar or maybe a slice of lemon? Please, smile, kiss.

I nice to hear from you again answer. Thank you very much for your kind words and care. All day I would like to come home and see your letter. Today I have had a longest day, you had to take reports over the past month to do the work and finish some business with customers.

Tomorrow also be a difficult day. I need to complete all my projects, and pass all my work in the hands of another manager. And then I can go on vacation with peace of mind. I plan to organize a guided tour.

In the near future we will be able to meet face to face, and will be closer acquaintance, and develop our relationship! Your country for me is something very new, I had never been abroad. I also have no public friends there, so I would very much like you to be my friend, and may be more than that!

For me the most important thing in our relationship is, above all, mutual understanding, caring, trust, and pure feelings. I think it is most important that there should be between a man and woman. I’m ready to give everything for a man whom I love. I value more than anything else. Give all my love and affection, completely giving of themselves to our relations.

However, I would like to feel much male support and attention to me. The most important thing for women to love and be loved. Only in such a relationship is born robust, reliable family. I am ready to do anything to create a family, where everyone will feel happy and welcome!

For my ideal future husband, is a reliable, good, fair, moderately modest man with a great life potential, in which there is a feature, and of course sexuality and romance!

And what your thoughts?

I think that’s where I finish my letter, and I will gather go to bed. I’m not too tired you with your answer? Tomorrow I need to get up to early to go to work, and to complete all of my affairs.

I hope you liked my tea, and you will be happy to read the letter from me, and with a smile on his face continued this evening!

I wish you good mood and success!
All the best, Lyuba


Daniel, 09-09-2013

Hello my intergalactic gravity-defying phenomenon!

Lyuba, what do you do to me? You must know I am allergic to lemon! Your tea has made me very sick. I was rushed to the hospital at 2 hours past midnight with a bloated head and a pair of giant whiskers growing out of my ears. They had to move my right kidney to the left, and vice versa, in order to reverse the reaction and bring me back to normal. Throughout the whole procedure I was semi-conscious and screaming lyrics to “I Will Survive” in Swahili. It was terrible.

I am OK now, Lyuba, but you must promise me to never put lemon in my tea again. Can you do that for me?

I am sad to hear you have never visited a foreign land. That guy Stalin is a ruthless dictator and I hope that one day they bring down his horrific regime.

I have never visited a foreign land apart from my country either, but that is because I have a mild case of phallanxophobia, which is the fear of an ancient Greek army suddenly showing up and stabbing me with spears. To the best of my knowledge I am the only person with this disorder, but my doctor assures me I can be helped. Then again, he always assures me I can be helped: he lives in my head! Ha, ha, crazy person humour.

Listen, Lyuba, while I don’t wish to roundhouse kick a dead horse in the face, but I must repeat my question about your gender surgery. I feel you’re avoiding it on purpose, which, of course won’t fly. It won’t even crawl or boogie, if you catch my drift.

My ideal relationship will include love, passion, gummy bears and other nouns, quantifiable and otherwise. And another person who isn’t me. My ideal relationship would involve another person. Ideally.

Lyuba, I feel I should not trouble you any longer. You must promise me to never give up, always move forward, and sometimes thirty degrees to the right, but never, Lyuba, never should you turn left, for left is where evil lurks.

Until your next letter brings ten smiles (and hopefully no whiskers) to my face, I bid you goodbye.

Deep purple,
Daniel


Daniel, 11-09-2013

Lyuba!

I am puzzled! You always disappear like a tornado in a cup of noodles. Why do you play these games?

Please let me know that you are still OK and tell me more about your wacky shenanigans in the land of the Communist Party.

Green day,
Daniel

The last chapter of the correspondence is right here.

***

There Is MoreI am an expert on scammers and trolling thereof. Here:

My correspondence with a scammer

Mark Zuckerberg is giving me prizes!

How to write a scam letter

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Twitter Bird Puking

Twitter Trolling Time

Get ready for more trolling.

There are two reasons for this post:

  1. I find Twitter trolling fun.
  2. The amount of Twitter trolling I’ve done lately is enough for a mini post.
  3. Everyone is allowed to be a narcissist once in a while.
  4. I can’t count.

So, as you may have gathered from my repeat references to Twitter  trolling, I’ve been doing some trolling lately. On Twitter.

I have a bit of a history with email trolling of scammers and eBay trolling of shady salesemen. It was only a matter of time before I moved on to Twitter.

I don’t just troll people willy-nilly, though. Not yet, anyways.

Instead I find those I deem worthy of a trolling treatment. Who are they? So far there were two types:

  1. The annoying spammers of wise or inspirational quotes.
  2. Companies, because down with the man and all that stuff.
  3. I made you think I was going to do the math joke here again, but then I didn’t.

Since I have recently unfollowed a lot of specifically these types of accounts, I didn’t have any to pick from in my Twitter stream. Instead, I had to actually go out and search for them. I have no life.

I’m not censoring any names, since all of these conversations are publicly available on Twitter. Here goes:

Nokia are amazed by their own product. Shocking.

Doing things yourself or doing yourself? Don’t answer that!

Potential cross-platform issues.

Rhyming for success.

It’s a legitimate question.

Dictionary to the rescue!

When you assume you make an ass of your marketing.

Insanity breeds inspiration.

Creating stuff with your mind, X-Men style. They did that, right?

Flawless logic.

I know who I am!

That’s all for now, but the annoying Twitter troll in me lives on. Who knows what the future brings?

***

There Is MoreFor other Twitter-related stuff, check out:

9 types of people I unfollow on Twitter

The 5 types of junk in my Twitter Direct Messages inbox

House of Coates: a cautionary tale