Thong nude behind woman

WTF Report: “But(t) why?”

You may have come across Rick Owens’s new fashion collection on your favorite social media. If you haven’t, here:

If, for some reason, you cannot watch the above, here’s what you’re missing out on: A bunch of models walk the catwalk wearing each other as elaborate…costumes, I guess? Backpacks? Frontpacks? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that it looks weird as hell. Here’s a still shot from the video:

Woman wearing another woman

“I’m 34, you’re 35, if you add our ages, you get 6–“
“Don’t you say it, Clarice!”

You probably expect me to make fun of this exercise in insanity, as I often do. But I won’t. It’s not my place to pass judgement. Besides, people in the know have referred to the performance as “a tribute to female strength,” suggesting “the physical labors of pregnancy,” so I can only assume this must be true.

But I do wonder what goes on through the models’ minds as they participate in this misguided yoga contortionist extravaganza. Look at their faces. None of them can possibly be enjoying this. How did the recruitment for this go?

“Hi, Jennifer, is that right?”

“That’s me.”

“Great. Grrrrreat. Great-great-great-great-great. Great! Could you shut the door, please? Sooooooo, Jennifer. You’re a really dedicated model, aren’t you?”

“I try.”

“You sure do. You suuuure do. Okay, so here’s what we’re going to need you to do for this next gig. Take a look at these concept sketches.”

“Dear God! Are these people all right? They look like they need help!”

“No, silly. That’s your costume. You’d be carrying Clarice on your shoulders while her hair streams freely downward, letting gravity pull it every which way.”

“But…her face…it’d be in my crotch.”

“It’s a tribute to female strength!”

“Her butt cheeks…they’d be in my face.”

“It’s about the physical labors of pregnancy, Jennifer. We’re breaking new ground here.”

“My face. Her butt cheeks.”

“We’re visionaries. Fashion revolutionaries. We dare to show people what nobody else does.”

“Butt cheeks.”

*sign* “Fine. How much do you want?”

“My yearly salary for this one catwalk.”

“Isn’t that a little too–”

“BUTT CHEEKS!”

“Okay okay. You got it.”

“I hate my life.”

Advertisements
Blue Rubber Band

WTF Report: “Napwrap—the arm trap”

Kids. There are two things you should never do as a responsible reviewer or critic.

  1. You should never blindly belittle a project that someone else has dedicated countless hours to.
  2. You should never criticize something without having actually tried it.

I’m about to break both of those rules, because I’m a terrible human being.

Allow me to introduce…Napwrap:

This is an exceedingly sophisticated product and a miracle of engineering, so it’s a bit difficult for me to clearly summarize exactly what it does. But I’ll try:

It’s a band made of stretchy fabric that you use to tie your arms together.

Huh…that was easier than I thought.

The makers of Napwrap claim that it helps you relax and sleep on the plane. It does this by restricting your arm movements, keeping them folded safely across your chest. Here are a few other items that can do the same thing for free:

  • Stuffing both of your arms inside a plastic bag
  • Rope
  • Wearing a sweater and tying its sleeves together
  • Duct tape
  • Attacking an air marshal and getting tackled to the ground and forcibly restrained

Moving on. I’m always suspicious of products that bill themselves as a type of Swiss Army Knife with multiple uses. You think you’re giving me more reasons to buy your product. You’re not. You’re just admitting that you don’t trust your product to fulfill its primary purpose, so now you’re desperately trying to justify why I should spend money on your bullshit invention. Here’s what Napwrap can be used as, according to its makers:

Sometimes use it as an eye mask.”

Actually, we already have a type of eye mask that helps you sleep. It’s called a sleeping mask. Also, if I’m using the Napwrap as a sleeping mask, what’s holding my arms together? Do I need two Napwraps? Why should I have two of them, if I could have a Napwrap and a sleeping mask?

Use it as an earmuff if you’re cold.”

Same as above. You people suck.

Slingshot to throw peanuts at your neighbors? No problem!

…fucking what?! What?! I know you think you’re being cute. Stop that!

Phone holder.”

Napwrap

“Use it to practice your Tai Chi moves. Napwrap!”

The above video also attempts to legitimize the product with SCIENCE. Here’s one of the “facts” from the video:

Did you know crossing your arms can confuse your brain and help lessen pain?

No, I did not know that. Do you know what else can confuse your brain? People taking scientific findings out of context and using them to promote their stupid product. You’re referring to this one study, which found that switching the dominant and non-dominant hands over an imaginary midline resulted in a statistically measurable reduction in a specific pain sensation. The effect of that pain reduction? Equivalent to around 3 percent.

So, yes, crossing your arms can “help lessen pain,” but unless you travel with advanced lab equipment and perform controlled experiments while flying, you won’t even know the difference.

The opening of the video is a gem in its own right:

“Well…let’s think about a time when you were sitting in the middle seat. You know: There are only four armrests and six arms. And this is the story without a Napwrap. Let’s look at the story again: What if a couple of your neighbors were Napwrapping?”

Fuck you. It’s the same goddamn story with a Napwrap. Napwrap doesn’t add armrests to a plane. It also (hopefully) doesn’t remove any arms from the equation. Don’t bullshit me, lady! Also, “Napwrapping” isn’t a thing. Stop trying to get that term to catch on.

I first heard of this product on Diane Owens’s blog, but it wasn’t until I looked at Napwrap’s Kickstarter page that I realized the full depth of the insanity involved. The Kickstarter page has a “Frequently Asked Questions” section. It lists a single question, which isn’t how FAQs tend to work. That question is: “Why do I need a Napwrap?” The answer:

“For most people crossing arms is a comfortable posture. The problem is holding that position requires muscle and mind which is difficult to maintain, especially when sleeping.”

There’s probably a joke in there somewhere about how failure to “maintain your mind” is the very affliction responsible for this product, but I’m not sure what that joke is.

In the meantime, I’m working on a competing product. It consists of two Velcro straps you wear around each wrist. When you need to nap, you just stick them together. Simple and effortless. And the best part? You can attach almost any Velcro-enabled item to them and have them double as makeshift storage.

I need a good name for the product. This is what I have so far:

  • Straightjacket Lite™
  • Jail4Joints
  • GlueLess
  • I-Can’t-Believe-These-Aren’t-Handcuffs

If you have better suggestions, I’m happy to hear them. I need all the help I can get. This product is going to be huge.

Grey Speech Bubbe Man

WTF Report: “The hidden wisdom of Sarah Palin”

Sarah Palin gave a speech during the Iowa Freedom Summit in late January.

The speech received mixed reviews and has been described as “barely coherent,” “rambling,” and “a tragedy.”

There’s speculation that Sarah Palin’s teleprompter broke, forcing the former vice presidential nominee to freestyle her speech. People keep sharing clips like this one to show just how ridiculous Sarah Palin sounded:

Well, I hate to be that guy, but I’m here to tell ya: Sarah Palin is an oratory genius.

Behind that seemingly nonsensical word-soup, there lies a depth of meaning so nuanced and profound that future linguistics students will marvel at it for generations to come. I have previously defended some allegedly stupid celebrity quotes that really weren’t that stupid at all.

Allow me to do the same for Sarah Palin. Let’s break that part of her speech down and see what Sarah Palin is really telling us.

“It must change. Things must change for this cover…t-e-e-e-e…our government”

This may seem like a run-of-the-mill slip of the tongue to the uninitiated, but make no mistake: It was no mistake! Sarah Palin almost—but not quite—says the word “covert.” You know, covert operations, listening to our telephone conversations, spying on US allies. All those illegal activities the government is engaged in? Sarah Palin’s saying, “I know what y’all are up to. I’m watching ya!” And she says so without actually completing a sentence. Incredible.

“Look at it! It isn’t too big to fail. It’s too big to succeed!”

You see how she flipped that? Some of the greatest minds of human history have done this, too:

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” – JFK

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – FDR

You think that you are strong, but you are weak. You’ll see.” – Madonna

“It’s too big to succeed, so we can afford no retreads!”

In this metaphor, the government is a monster truck. Have you ever tried to retread the tires on a monster truck? Nobody can afford that!

“With the same people, the same policies that got us since the, the status quo. Another Latin word: ‘status quo'”

“Status quo” sure is Latin. What, did you think it was Greek? Don’t be silly.

“And it stands for: ‘Man, the middle class, everyday Americans are really gettin’ taken for a ride.’ That’s status quo!”

One word: Imagery. That’s how it’s done.

“And GOP leaders, by the way. You know? The man…can only ride ya when your back is bent.”

True story. Have you ever tried riding someone whose back is straight? You’ll slip right off. Unless you use some grappling hooks to attach yourself to the one you’re riding, but that usually requires too much effort.

“So strengthen it. Then the man can’t ride ya! America won’t be taken for a ride.”

Can’t argue with that. In fact, the myriad benefits of strengthening your core are very well documented.

“Because so much is at stake! And we can’t afford politicians playing games, like nothing more is at stake than…oh, maybe just the next standing of theirs in the next election.”

Yeah, fuck it. I give up. That was too much for my brain.

Person In Red Yellow Chicken Costume

WTF Report: “Pok Pok Day”

Oh, Asia, you’re great. Really. You gave us “Gangnam Style,” vending machines with panties in them, and those adorable and not-at-all-horrifying creatures with TVs inside of their stomachs (TVtummies? TeleBellies?). You’re a nutty, wonderful country. OK, I’m being told that “Asia” is not a country. That’s crazy talk. That’s like saying Europe or Africa isn’t a country. Buy a map, people!

Anyways, we’ve come to expect wacky shenanigans from Asia, and Asia almost always delivers! Today is no exception. I have come across a YouTube music video in my Facebook feed. Although I’m not sure “music video” adequately describes this phenomenon. Maybe “artistic exploration of the limits of human sanity” is a better term.

Basically, this…thing…is what happens when you take “Old MacDonald Had a Farm,” add psychedelic visuals to it, and translate the whole thing into a mixture of what I assume is Chinese and gibberish. Like so:

If you gave up after the first few seconds of watching humanoid chickens—and I wouldn’t blame you if you did—I do encourage you to revisit the video from the 1:30 mark, when other animals make an appearance. That only made it worse, didn’t it?

Who’s the target audience for this madness? Surely it can’t be children. No child psyche is strong enough to withstand the visuals of grown men wearing severed animal heads. So, is it for adults with very specific fetishes? Possibly.

Most likely, however, this video is intended to cause the exact “WTF” reaction I’m currently exhibiting and generate clicks. In which case, well done, video, good job! I hope these viral clicks of outrage were worth it. Just know this: When future archaeologists discover the recording of this video and use it to conclude that our civilization used extremely advanced methods of torture, you will be the one to blame. You alone!

WTF Report: “Born to fly; made to walk”

Ever since we saw the flying AMC Matador in The Man With The Golden Gun, the greatest minds of the planet have been working tirelessly to make the dream of a flying car come true. There have been countless projects with varying degrees of success. With this Slovakian AeroMobil, we’re getting pretty damn close:

Pretty cool, right?! We can only hope that we’ll get the chance to fly/drive (frive?) one of these sometime in the foreseeable future. Or…we could be like this Australian dude and just rip the wings off a light Beechcraft plane, drive it through the streets, and park it outside a local pub like it ain’t no thing.

Yellow Light Plane Parked Outside

Source: BBC News

Well, that’s one way to go about it; if you can’t turn a car into a plane, you can at least turn a plane into a car. Allegedly, this Newman resident drove up in the wingless plane and hopped inside the pub for a quick beer. Hey, if you’re going to get drunk, you might as well do so while driving a half-ton metal tube designed for flying. Surprisingly, the cops weren’t too happy, stating:

“Kids were coming home from school. It could have been very ugly. All he needed was one gust of wind…because without the wings, it’s not stable.”

Right, because the situation would have clearly been improved if the wings were still in place. There’s no better way to enjoy a peaceful bike trip than to ride straight into this potential-decapitation-on-wheels. In any case, the plane was eventually towed, the police have spoken to the owner, and everyone had a good chuckle about it over a pint of lager (probably).

This is either a pretty reckless prank by the plane’s owner or an elaborate scheme by the whole town of Newman to get international fame—because seriously, have you ever heard of Newman until about one minute ago?

Satire Tag Facebook Green

WTF Report: “Satire or not?”

Remember that time you’ve read about Sarah Palin calling for a military invasion of the Czech Republic? Remember the outrage you’ve reveled in, furiously bashing that “Share” button so that your Facebook friends could partake in ridiculing Sarah Palin’s idiotic remarks? Seriously, doesn’t she know anything about geography? But then one of your smartass friends pointed out that The Daily Currant, which ran the story, was a satirical website, meaning the whole thing was made up. Didn’t that make your outrage seem hilarious and embarrassing in retrospect?

Well, rejoice, ye Facebookers. Your days of cluelessness are over! Facebook is rolling out the ultimate weapon against accidental misunderstanding of humor. It’s called “literally spelling the joke out for people.” Satirical posts should soon be getting a special tag on Facebook. That tag? “Satire,” duh! No longer shall we be fooled by tales of Kim Jong-Un getting the “sexiest man alive” title. From now on, we’ll know satire when we see it. (Because it will be waving a huge neon flag with “SATIRE” written on it.)

Look, I understand it’s frustrating to watch your friends fall for the stupidest “news” on social media. But doesn’t the “satire” tag sort of take the, you know, satire out of satire? Isn’t the whole point of satirical news to train people’s critical thinking while drawing attention to important issues in a humorous way?

I don’t know about you, but I personally enjoy seeing an article that seems somehow off, and then getting the feeling of smug satisfaction as it dawns on me that I’m reading a satirical piece. (And then going on Facebook to mock those who didn’t catch on. Yeah, I’m an asshole.) Why do you want to ruin that for me, Facebook?! Why are you adding the equivalent of a sitcom laugh track that tells everyone how to react to humor?

Unless…

Unless the news about Facebook adding the “satire” tag is satire in itself and Facebook was just doing it to see whether I’m as insightful as I really claim to be, making me fall for the very same thing I make fun of others for?! Holy shit! In that case, you have officially inceptioned me, Facebook. Well played, you brilliant maniac!

Brown Picture Frame

WTF Report: “The art of being Yanukovych”

Hey, so remember Yanukovych? The exiled president of Ukraine? The man who, according to some sources, had robbed Ukraine of about $100 billion? The man who had used the stolen money to build himself an extravagant mansion full of ridiculous, over-the-top souvenirs—like the literal two-kilogram golden loaf of bread?

But Yanukovych isn’t all about stealing money and spending it on bizarre, tasteless crap. Some of that bizarre crap is actually quite tasteful. Some may even call it “art.” I’m not one of those “some,” but you know who is? Yanukovych. It turns out he’s got a keen eye for portraits. Not just any portraits, mind you. Yanukovych is a connoisseur of a very specific artistic style: Yanukovychism.

You see, among the mountains of head-scratching discoveries in his mansion were a series of portraits. All of them feature Yanukovych in various inexplicable situations that defy the laws of logic and sanity. All of them are designed to elicit gasps of admiration, whistles of appreciation, and cries of “What the dickless Devil is this?” Behold:

Yanukovych Holding Ukraine

“Hey, look what I found!”

Oh look at that! It’s Yanukovych using Ukraine to pump iron. It’s just like real life, except in real life he used the country to pump billions of dollars into his offshore bank accounts, but, you know, think of it as a delectable metaphor. You may call this portrait narcissistic, but if you truly think about it, it’s actually quite…oh what the hell, yes—this is the height of narcissism. Next:

Yanukovych On The Battlefield

“There! There goes unstolen money! Take it!”

This picture perfectly captures the resilience and valour of a man who had courageously sent waves of armed police against the Maidan protesters and then fled the country when things got out of hand. Beautiful.

Now, I must give you fair warning: There’s nothing I can say to adequately prepare you for what comes next.

You have a choice to close the browser, turn off your computer, and back away from it slowly, having never experienced the mind-shattering horror of the picture below.

Go.

No, really…it’s about to get insane up in here.

Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Because I did.

I warned you, but you haven’t listened.

And that’s why you now have to face the inevitable.

This one’s on your conscience:

Yanukovych Naked

“Draw me like one of your French girls…”

I fucking warned you! Stop screaming! Don’t claw at your eyes! You only have yourself to blame!

I tried to write a thorough commentary to this picture, but all that came out were ear-piercing screams of unfiltered terror and streams of unstoppable tears. Instead, I’ll just leave you to ponder your mistakes and whether life still has any meaning.

Fun fact: Yes, I did have to Google the phrase “Yanukovych naked” when researching this article. Let’s hope no potential future employers ever get a hold of my search history, ever.