Skull death mask Halloween

17 WTF Danish Halloween costumes: Look, giant boobies!

What is it about Halloween that makes people forget about such concepts as good taste and self-restraint?

Don’t answer that. You’re probably wearing a slutty zombie fairy costume yourself this year, aren’t you? I knew it!

People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.

Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?

In any case, this is fast becoming a cherished Halloween tradition. I’ve already written not one, not seven, but exactly two posts on Danish Halloween costumes of the WTF variety. Why stop there?

Here we go with the third installment.

17. Zombie Hot Dog

Zombie Hot Dog Halloween Costume

Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!

16. Marionette

Marionette Halloween Woman Costume

This one’s only cute until the first tragic encounter with a low-hanging ceiling fan and subsequent near-strangulation. You’ve ruined the party for everybody, Sharon!

15. Gas Mask

Gas mask Halloween costume

Gas mask. That’s it. No background or context here.

“Hey dude, what are you?”

“Gas mask.”

“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”

“Gas mask.”

“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”

“Gas mask!”

14. Bandit Jimmy

Bandit Jimmy Costume

Ah yes. Everyone remembers the good old Bandit Jimmy from when they were a kid. There’s even that famous nursery rhyme:

He’ll steal your shoes
He’ll take your bread
He has a raisin for a head
His face looks like a goblin’s ass
He smokes a blunt with ganja grass
He’s Bandit Jimmy
He’s Bandit Jimmy

13. Hippo Ballerina

Hippo Ballerina Halloween Costume

This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.

12. Blow-up Pistol

Blow-Up Pistol Costume

Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

11. Giant Boob

Giant Breast Costume

Nothing to see here. Just a human-sized mammary gland and the giant boob who thinks wearing it counts as a costume.

10. Inflatable Morphsuit

Blue Blow-Up Morphsuit

Damn, the Blue Man Group’s left front man has really let himself go.

9. Rainbow Hat

Rainbow Hat Costume

There’s nothing to make you question your life choices more than attending a Halloween party with gigantic cotton swabs that somehow birthed a rainbow growing out of your ears.

8. Breast Friends

Breast Friends Costume

“It’s a bit nippy here, isn’t it, darling?”

“Oh yeah, I’d say it’s breast we wore something warm!”

“It’ll be a shame if we get cold, won’t tit?”

“I know! I shudder at the thought!”

“I want a divorce.”

“I thought you’d never ask!”

7. Mr. Block Head

Mr Block Head Costume

This costume perfectly answers the question nobody has ever asked:

“If Super Mario and Borat had a Lego-headed baby who grew up to be a two-meter-tall pro wrestler, what color shirt would he wear?”

6. Bandit Rob

Bandit Rob Costume

Fun fact: Bandit Rob is what happens when Bandit Jimmy falls face-first into an industrial meat grinder.

5. Black Morphsuit

Black Morphsuit Chessboard

The chessboard is what really makes this suit. Without the chessboard, you’re just some dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner.

With the chessboard, you’re a dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner while yelling “Checkmate!”

4. Cone Head

Cone Head Costume

With all the awful sexual innuendo costumes out there, it’s refreshing to see that someone resisted the temptation to make the ears bigger, the “cone” longer, and call it “Bone Head.”

3. Ghost

Ghost Costume

Converse sneakers! Every self-respecting ghost wears a pair.

2. Monster Candy

Monster Candy Costume

The description for this item assures me that I can dress up as “the sweet Monster Candy.” Question: Who the hell is Monster Candy? Is this a popular movie character I’m blissfully unaware of?

Why not just “Pink Monster” or “Cutie McRuby”? I really want to know. Am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of Monster Candy? Let me know in the comments.

1. The Finger

The Finger Costume

This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.

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Big Ear Clown

22 more WTF Danish Halloween costumes

Ah, Halloween! The one day of the year when you can justify running out into the streets completely naked by calling it a costume. Uh…hypothetically. I wouldn’t know anything about being nude in Copenhagen’s main square on October 31 of last year. That’s slander and lies. Or, as the police records refer to it, “indecent exposure.” Hypothetical police records.

As always, Halloween brings with it shenanigans, festivities, and a bunch of silly, silly costumes. And many of the costumes available in Denmark proudly earn their place in the “WTF” category. I’ve already done this once before, but repetition is the mother of existential horror. So journey with me into the land of utter madness that is the Danish Halloween costume scene.

22. Naked Man

Naked Man Costume Small

A very authentic rendering of the male body. The level of detail here is unmatched. The carefully organized chest hair. The oversized, saggy skin that hangs loosely off the body. The giant crotch-eating worm with an Afro that’s attached itself to the man’s genitals (you can’t unsee it now).

21. Fat Killer Clown

Fat Killer Clown Costume Small

Eventually, Ronald McDonald realizes that the real killer all along was the diabetes brought about by rampant fast food consumption.

20. Santa Skin Suit

Santa Skin Suit Costume Small

“Ho ho ho! Meeeeerry Christmas, kids. You will never guess what’s inside the bag!”

“Actually, Santa, we don’t really want to kn–”

“It’s my face.”

19. Super Reindeer

Super Reindeer Costume Small

After Rudolf got bitten by a radioactive human, he gained the power of unlimited access to steroids. Seriously, this is quite possibly the absolute worst thing you could have done to a “Rudlof The Reindeer” costume!

18. Male Fever Rudolf Kini

Reindeer Mankini Suit Small

Aaaaand I stand corrected!

17. Zombie Traffic Lady

Zombie Traffic Lady In Yellow Costume

“Braaaaaaains! Braaaaaaaaains! I mean, use your braaaaaaaaains, this is the children’s crossing! Careful!”

16. Pinky Pig

Pinky Pig Costume Small

So many questions: Why does this pig have a human mouth? Why are its lifeless eyes boring straight into my soul? Why is it doing that weird “I’m riding an invisible motorcycle” mime?! Why is it wearing sneakers?! Why can I do nothing to stop these screams of terror pouring out of my mouth?!

15. Human Anatomy

Human Anatomy Costume Small

“OK, class. As you can see, the tibialis anterior is located just below…Timmy, stop crying…just below the…stop crying, Timmy…below the fibularis longus, which is the…Timmy! I said stop crying!

14. Waiter Skin Suit

Black Faceless Waiter Costume Small

“Some wine, sir? Riddle me this: What’s inside the glass on the left?”

“I don’t think I want to kn—”

“It’s my face.”

13. Jackie In The Box

Jackie In The Box Costume Small

This is actually a pretty cool concept, as long as you’re making that “I’ve just jumped out of the box” pose. However, the rest of the night must get kind of awkward. “For the thousand’s time: No, I’m not pregnant with SpongeBob SquarePants’s baby! Stop asking!”

12. Gangster Fat Cat

Gangter Fat Cat Costume Small

Say hello to my morbidly obese friend.

11. Stripper Kit

Male Stripper Costume Small

Epic douchey wink sold separately.

10. Baby Kit

Baby Suit Costume

Is that a doo-doo in your diaper, or are you just happy to…wait, don’t answer that.

9. Cereal Killer

Cereal Killer Costume Small

“Whoa! Cereal Killer? What happened to that ‘Killer B‘ guy?”

“I killed him. He was having far too much…pun. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!”

8. Naked Grandma

Naked Grandma Costume Small

Nothing gets the fun family conversation going like being vividly reminded of that time dementia made grandma do embarrassing things.

7. Mr. T Skin Suit

Mr T Costume Small

“I pity the fool who thinks my face looks like a Pikachu that swallowed a radish.”

6. Priest

Priest Costume Small

You can’t spell “blasphemy” without “orgasmic blow-up doll sex.” Or maybe you can.

5. Shark Victim

Shark Victim Suit Small

Cyclops?! Nooooooooo! They always eat the best ones!

4. Kiss The Frog

Kiss The Frog Costume Small

I don’t get it. What does that mean? “Kiss the fr…” Oh! Ooooooh! Yeah, real subtle, dude. Why don’t you just go ahead and simply slap something like “blow me” on there.

3. Breathalyzer

Breathalyzer Suit Small

Oh, for Dick’s sake! But hey, bonus points for finding a model with an uncannily appropriate facial expression.

2. Tree

Tree Suit Small

“…kill…meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…I shouldn’t…exist…”

1. Rubik’s Cube

Rubik's Cube Suit Small

“Solve me now to see what’s inside the Rubik’s cube!”

“Is it your face?”

“Don’t be stupid, man. This is just a costume.”

Weird Masks

WTF Report: “What the f…art?!”

Listen, I’m an open-minded guy.

Do you want to throw random vegetables and paint onto a canvas and call that “art”? Go ahead! Want to stand perfectly still on one leg for forty hours to make a statement about the pointless of human existence and the fleetingness of life? Whatever makes you happy!

But I must admit that even I have limits. Having amassed a modest library of WTF reports, I can honestly say that none of them come anywhere near as close to being worthy of their “WTF” title as what I’m about to show you. Brace yourselves:

If, for some strange reason, you refused to sit through the full three minutes of whatever-the-hell-that-was, allow me to sum up the video’s essence in this this helpful, ten-second GIF:

Metal Penis Art

There must be a million questions racing through your mind right now, like “Why can’t I stop screaming?” and “Has God forsaken me?”

Sadly, I have no good answers for you. I am just amazed that somebody managed to turn some of my absolute worst nightmares into a 3-minute “art” performance.

I can find two possible explanations for what we’re witnessing here:

1) This is an elaborate prank. That only begs further questions, however. For example—where’s the punchline? At what point do they reveal that we’re on hidden camera? Did they go through so much trouble simply to set up a deeply disturbing prank? If so, why is this type of visual torture not punishable by law?

2) This is a real, honest-to-goodness attempt at art. That just makes me want to cry tears of fear and confusion. I don’t understand anything anymore. Are we living in a time where half-naked people thrusting metal penises into solid objects is considered a valid form of artistic expression? Should we introduce mandatory psychiatric evaluations for anyone attempting to create art?

In any case, I don’t feel so good. I think I need a bit of time to myself to see if I can ever become whole again. But in the meantime…

Metal Art Thrusting Skateboard

Green Motorbike Helmet

WTF Report: “Algae Helmet”

Have you always wanted to turn your breath into food? Are you dying to eat some delicious algae? Looking for a way to combine those two activities into one?

Now you can!

For a low low price of who-even-fucking-cares you too can start converting your very own CO2 into edible algae that you wear directly on your head.

All with a simple, stylish, discreet algae helmet that is guaranteed to turn heads and make you the star of any fancy cocktail party. Behold:

The concept is as ingenious as it is not-at-all-the-stuff-of-your-nightmares: you breathe into the tubes, tiny algae in the tubes eats your CO2, then you eat the algae. Yum! Everybody wins, except the algae. Algae very much loses.

And don’t worry, it’s not actually called “Algae Helmet”. That would be ridiculous. No, it’s called “Algaculture Symbiosis Suit”, because fuck it!

So what are you waiting for?

Order your algae helmet today and start looking like an alien attack victim already tomorrow!

Moon

WTF Report: “Animals Of The Night”

Allow me to introduce a new bite-sized segment called “WTF Report”.

In this segment I find the most WTF things on the Internet, force my poor eyes to see them, then share the pain with you. Don’t thank me. No, really, don’t.

I came across the gem below in this Cracked article (read it, it’s awesome).

If I had to sum up the content of this music video in exactly seven words, these words would be “WHY DEAR GOD OH JESUS CHRIST WHY?!”.

Every single element in this video is well worthy of the “WTF” title, but I want you to take special note of the intricate choreography at around 2:45. That is, if you make it that far with your eyes still safely inside your head and your ears not leaking blood.

If both our cats accidentally got their tails stuck inside the coffee-grinder while it was on and I filmed the ensuing cacophony and general chaos with my iPad we’d still end up with a better music video.

Enjoy your Tuesday.

19 WTF Danish Halloween costumes

Halloween is upon us!

For some, it means dressing up as Ironman, going trick-or-treating, binge eating bags of candy, and passing out from sugar overdose. For others, it means dressing up as a naughty nurse or sexy fireman, binge drinking bottles of liquor, and passing out from alcohol overdose…

And then there are those who look at all the Ironman, naughty nurse, and sexy fireman costumes and think “Nah, this is way too sane for my taste! I need a way to tell the world that I’m unstable, unpredictable, and likely a future serial killer. But, like, in a fun way!”

That final group is in luck, for today I talk exclusively about Halloween costumes with a solid “WTF” factor. I’m not the first or the last person to comment on bizarre Halloween costumes. I am, however, one of the few to focus on the lucrative Danish market niche.

The atrocities listed below were found by looking exclusively at online stores in Denmark. These Halloween costumes may or may not be available in your country, which should make you either upset or immensely, indescribably relieved. I bet it’s the latter.

19. Work Out

The site describes it as a “sexy fitness costume.” Apparently, “sexy” is code for “having Super Mario’s face forever trapped in your crotch.”

18. Blow-Up Witch

 Something tells me you’re gonna need a much bigger broomstick, mam…wait, sir?!

17. Adam

What do you mean by “where’s your Eve”? I’m dressed as Adam! Adam—my eccentric ballet-dancing neighbour with nipple warts.

16. Count Duckula

Finally, a Halloween costume that successfully combines two completely incompatible things: a purple coat and a red bow tie!

15. Jesus Costume

Jesus Christ!

14. Zebra Morphsuit

“Hey guys, what’s up?!”

“OH MY GOD THAT ZEBRA IS TALKING TO US! AAAAAAARGH! SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!”

“Dude, calm down, it’s just my Halloween costume.”

“Wow! Whoa! You totally got me! That costume is so damn lifelike!”

13. Killer B

“Ha! I’m a killer, and I’ve got the letter ‘B’ on me. I’m ‘Killer B.’ ‘Killer Bee’! Get it?! It’s a pun! Hilarious! Ha! Haha! HAHAHAHAHHA! No seriously though, I’ll chop your head right the fuck off, don’t fuck with me!”

12. Bananawoman

It’s a mango…it’s a lemon…it’s Bananawoman—the most nonexistent superhero ever!

11. Morphsuit Orange

It’s either a carrot or a urinary tract infection patient. Or maybe a carrot with urinary tract infection. That’s the beauty of this Halloween costume—it’s so versatile.

10. Top Shelf

Nice rack! No, I mean, nice shelf. Top! Top shelf! Dammit.

9. Penguin Skinsuit

This actually gets credit for looking far more terrifying than Count Duckula ever could. Bonus points for using the same red bow tie.

8. Bugs Bunny

OK, this kind of costume works great when it makes you look like Bugs Bunny. It works far worse when you appear to be wearing Bugs Bunny’s skin as a trophy while brandishing his severed head atop of yours with a smug, triumphant expression on your face.

7. Condom

This costume faithfully recreates the look of a standard condom, complete with limbs, red speedos, and a V-neck. Then again, I sincerely doubt this Halloween costume would be improved by making it more realistic.

6. The Invisible Cat

The costume is aptly named “The Invisible Cat,” because indeed no cat is visible in that picture. The cat, along with all other lifeforms, has been devoured by the humanoid embodiment of the Devil pictured above.

5. Cockroach

I love how this guy is so in character. This is his absolute best “grumpy cockroach” impression. It’s like he studied cockroaches all his life, so that today he could finally shine. Hats off to you, sir!

4. Dancing Flower

At almost every Halloween party, there’s an obnoxious douchebag with a guitar and an idiot in a tacky plant suit. Rarely are these two the same guy.

3. Disco Dracula

Dracula in his young, hip, party days and long before his tragic transformation into a duck.

2. Cannabis

Funnily enough, the cannabis plant is the only one in this picture with enough sense of shame to appear embarrassed by this whole situation.

1. The Well Hung Scotsman

The surprising thing about this Halloween costume is that the penis isn’t a part of it. That poor model has no luck getting any Disney gigs!

Moving hosting providers: another “fun” project

You may remember that but a few short weeks ago I bitched about hosting my own website and all of the technical difficulties that entailed. Subsequent weeks have been spent wrapping my head around the ins and outs of getting a website up. Two days ago I’ve finally felt happy enough about the way my site was set up. I was ready to stop being a site administrator and to start being a blogger. Alas, it was not meant to be.

You see, I have finally bothered to read the “terms of service” of my hosting provider. And by “read” I mean spend more than 2 seconds it takes to scroll down to the end of the ToS page and blindly click the “I Agree” button. To my absolute horror, I have found this in the “PROHIBITED USES” section:

“Profanity. Profanity or profane subject matter in the site content and in the domain name are prohibited”

As any other rational and self-respecting blogger, my immediate reaction to the above was: “What kind of fucking bullshit is this?!”. I can’t decide what language to use on my own blog?! What if my fictional character is a foul-mouthed alcoholic ex-cop? What if one of my readers comments on a post and says “OMG ur so fucking funny i just literally died laffing, LOL”? Before you ask – yes, all of my fictional characters are action movie clichés and all of my blog readers are teenagers who watch Jersey Shore to improve their IQ and cognitive abilities. Bottom line: I cannot possibly be expected to monitor not only my own posts, but also any discussions on my site.

“But surely these guys won’t just shut down your site for using a few swear words here and there”, you may be thinking. That makes you both reasonable and dead wrong. They have done this numerous times and have even allegedly shut down a guy’s website just for discussing poker. Why? Because fuck him for talking about card-based fun! They also have an anti-nudity policy so strict that if you want photographs of people in your blog they better be wearing a hazmat suit or Easter Bunny overalls.

Wait a minute! This girl is clearly showing way too much…ear

Also, the “no nudity” policy effectively rules out links to all pop music videos, since the boundary between pop and porn has been crossed well before Janet Jackson had her famous “wardrobe malfunction” incident. I don’t want to speculate whether “butt” is considered profanity every time I post. If I’m reviewing Dirty Harry movies I don’t want to wonder whether I should write that Clint Eastwood cocked his gun or, ahem, roostered it.

My hosting contract had a 30-day “money back” cancellation policy, which was good. At the time I’d realised this I was on day 28, which was less good. I had two days to pick another host (and make sure they had a more liberal content policy), register another domain name (I wanted a new one), move my whole blog to it, then remove it from the previous host and cancel my contract. If it sounds overwhelming, it’s because it freaking is. Especially when you have a full-time job.

Moving site content is an easy and relatively painless process…provided you know how to create and backup MySQL databases through your cPanel, export data to and from your FTP, and correct queries in your HTML, CSS, and WTF code. And we all know that stuff is taught to us in kindergarten, right? Since I wasn’t tech-savvy enough to do all of that, but OCD enough to give a damn, I had to manually recreate my whole site from scratch on the new host. This took up exactly 127 hours of the free time I’ve had in the past two days.

But I’ve made it! I have a new and fancy “nest-expressed” domain name, a liberal host, a shiny new blog, and social media pages to market it. So now all I need is YOU, my readers! Because let’s face it, laughing at your own jokes is pretty damn sweet, but laughing at your own jokes a bit too often gets you a one-way trip to an asylum. With that said – go read my stuff, subscribe to my blog, and help spread the word. I even have fancy “share” buttons to help you do so, right below this post. So go ahead! You don’t want me to end up in an asylum, do you?