What is it about Halloween that makes people forget about such concepts as good taste and self-restraint?
Don’t answer that. You’re probably wearing a slutty zombie fairy costume yourself this year, aren’t you? I knew it!
People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.
Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?
Here we go with the third installment.
17. Zombie Hot Dog
Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!
This one’s only cute until the first tragic encounter with a low-hanging ceiling fan and subsequent near-strangulation. You’ve ruined the party for everybody, Sharon!
15. Gas Mask
Gas mask. That’s it. No background or context here.
“Hey dude, what are you?”
“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”
“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”
14. Bandit Jimmy
Ah yes. Everyone remembers the good old Bandit Jimmy from when they were a kid. There’s even that famous nursery rhyme:
He’ll steal your shoes
He’ll take your bread
He has a raisin for a head
His face looks like a goblin’s ass
He smokes a blunt with ganja grass
He’s Bandit Jimmy
He’s Bandit Jimmy
13. Hippo Ballerina
This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.
12. Blow-up Pistol
Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.
11. Giant Boob
Nothing to see here. Just a human-sized mammary gland and the giant boob who thinks wearing it counts as a costume.
Damn, the Blue Man Group’s left front man has really let himself go.
9. Rainbow Hat
There’s nothing to make you question your life choices more than attending a Halloween party with gigantic cotton swabs that somehow birthed a rainbow growing out of your ears.
“It’s a bit nippy here, isn’t it, darling?”
“Oh yeah, I’d say it’s breast we wore something warm!”
“It’ll be a shame if we get cold, won’t tit?”
“I know! I shudder at the thought!”
“I want a divorce.”
“I thought you’d never ask!”
This costume perfectly answers the question nobody has ever asked:
“If Super Mario and Borat had a Lego-headed baby who grew up to be a two-meter-tall pro wrestler, what color shirt would he wear?”
6. Bandit Rob
Fun fact: Bandit Rob is what happens when Bandit Jimmy falls face-first into an industrial meat grinder.
The chessboard is what really makes this suit. Without the chessboard, you’re just some dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner.
With the chessboard, you’re a dodgy wacko who might stab one of the other dinner guests in a dark corner while yelling “Checkmate!”
4. Cone Head
With all the awful sexual innuendo costumes out there, it’s refreshing to see that someone resisted the temptation to make the ears bigger, the “cone” longer, and call it “Bone Head.”
Converse sneakers! Every self-respecting ghost wears a pair.
The description for this item assures me that I can dress up as “the sweet Monster Candy.” Question: Who the hell is Monster Candy? Is this a popular movie character I’m blissfully unaware of?
Why not just “Pink Monster” or “Cutie McRuby”? I really want to know. Am I the only one in the world who’s never heard of Monster Candy? Let me know in the comments.
1. The Finger
This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.