Zeller

“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part V)

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Welcome to the grand finale of the epic and endless saga that is “The Sound Of Music”. Make sure you’re up to date by reading the first four parts (Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV). Now that you’re done, let’s wrap this up!

The camera drops back down from the views of Austrian countryside to the plaza outside of the cathedral where Maria and the Captain just got married. Everything is exactly as we remember: the well known cathedral, the good old plaza, the huge Nazi flag with a swastika swinging down from a building. Wait, what? I don’t remember that flag being there just a second ago! What sort of witchcraft is this?! Oh, I see, this must be some weeks later. Smooth transition, movie, very smooth.

Through a crowd of marching soldiers a black convertible makes its way to an amphitheatre. Zeller and an unknown Nazi dude get out of the car and walk inside. In the amphitheatre are the Von Trapp children and Uncle Max. Zeller throws a Nazi salute and a “Heil Hitler” at Max and reminds him that he’s now the Gauleiter. Thanks again, movie, for walking us so gently through these transitions.

Also, Reverend Mother is now Batman

Zeller is here because of two things:
  1. He’s upset because the Captain’s house was the only one in the neighbourhood not flying the Nazi flag since the Anschluss. But not to worry, the Nazis have already “taken care” of the flag issue, he assures Max. If I were you I’d get that flag fetish looked at, Zeller. No grown man should be that much into flags.
  2. He wants to know when the Captain will return from his honeymoon. Remember how we saw Maria and Von Trapp leaving on their honeymoon just a while ago? Yeah, me neither.

Zeller assures Max that the festival is still happening tonight and that nothing in Austria has changed. He proves his point by saying “Heil Hitler” yet again, because in Austria it stands for “Nothing has changed”. Incidentally, “Heil Hitler” now constitutes every second sentence out of Zeller’s mouth. Apparently being a Nazi also provokes an onset of Tourette’s in some people.

Uncle Max and the kids briefly discuss the children’s upcoming performance at the festival as The Von Trapp Family Singers. Seems Max has gotten his way. Rolfe approaches, wearing a brown Nazi uniform. He hands a telegram to Liesl to pass onto the Captain as soon as he returns. Rolfe is cold and formal. Liesl suggests he comes by to “deliver the telegram” himself tonight, which is code for “meet me at the gazebo to sing, dance and…that’s about it”. Rolfe tells her he has more important things to do and walks off without looking back.

“More important things” include wearing ugly black caps and being a dick

So, here’s what we’ve learned about the recent developments during these past few minutes:
  1. Nazis have taken over Austria
  2. The Captain and Maria are busy having sex at some undisclosed honeymoon location
  3. Zeller is running the Nazi show in Austria and is still obsessed with flags
  4. Rolfe is still a virgin, but now also a douchebag

Next scene. The Captain walks up to his front door where a Nazi flag now hangs. He yanks the flag down and rips it in half. Now that’s just a waste of good fabric. Do you know how many dresses Maria could’ve made from that?

The children arrive and everybody spends the next few minutes telling everyone else exactly how much they missed them and why. Then the kids drop a bomb by announcing that they will sing at the festival. The Captain sends them off to the terrace so that they don’t have to witness the ass kicking he’s about to give Max. In the middle of the ass kicking that spans across topics like the Von Trapp kids singing in public and the Anschluss Liesl walks in to hand Rolfe’s telegram to the Captain. Von Trapp walks off to read it.

Maria and Liesl have a heart-to-heart in the drawing room. Liesl wants to know what to do when you stop loving someone or he stops loving you, referring to Rolfe. Maria’s insight on the topic is “you cry a little and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.”. Yes, Maria, it’s common knowledge that every 24 hours we can witness sunrise. What the fuck does it have to do with heartbreak?!

“And if you ever fall down the stairs, you just add two and two together. It will always add up to exactly four!”

Maria and Liesl sing together. The song probably has something to do with the sun, but I’ve stopped listening to Maria’s songs after I’ve realised she’s insane.

Their bonding is interrupted by the grave-looking Captain. Apparently the telegram was an “offer” from Berlin for him to accept a commission in the navy and to report to a naval base tomorrow. He cannot accept this commission, because he hates the Nazis. However, rejecting this “offer” would be suicidal. Thus, the only thing to do is for the whole Von Trapp family to leave Austria. Tonight.

Speaking of tonight – next scene. The whole Von Trapp family is pushing a car out of the manor, without turning the engine on. They want to leave without Franz and Frau Schmidt hearing, to give them plausible deniability in case they get questioned by the Nazis. As the car is leaving the main gate we see Franz looking down at the group with a shady expression. Oh, Franz, you traitor! I hope you didn’t tell anyone about this…(CONTINUE TO NEXT PAGE)

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“The Sound Of Music”: Mock Recap (Part III)

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If you’re just joining us in reliving the magic of “The Sound Of Music” through words, please make sure to catch up on Part I and Part II first. If you have done so, let’s dive right in.

The Captain and Baroness Schraeder are in the middle of their political discussion when Von Trapp suddenly jerks his head towards the lake. He sees Maria and the children rowing a skiff, while singing. Unbelievably, they are still singing the same freaking song about music notes that they’ve been singing for weeks. These kids are making slower progress than a lobotomised goldfish. Upon seeing the Captain the kids jump up excitedly, yelling “Papa”. The boat starts to rock dangerously. Maria is also shocked into standing up rapidly by the mere sight of Von Trapp. At that moment the boat finally capsizes, sending everyone into the water. How Maria has avoided drowning the children up until now will forever remain a mystery.

Von Trapp orders everyone out of the water and brings out his trusty whistle to help him arrange the kids into a perfectly straight line. He introduces the children and the Baroness to each other. Then he tells the children to go inside the house to immediately change into dry clothes. Maria, rightfully considering herself to be one of the children attempts to go inside as well. The Captain, however, tells her to “stay here, please”. The Baroness walks off to give Von Trapp some privacy for the verbal lashing he’s about to give Maria. The Captain is understandably shocked and disgusted to find out that his children have been running around Salzburg dressed in old drapes like a pack of hobos.

“You made them wear WHAT?!”

The Captain is running on his last drop of patience. Astonishingly, at this very point Maria begins to lecture Von Trapp on parenting, by insisting that he should be more engaged and love his children. The Captain repeatedly implores her to stop telling him how to raise his kids. Maria doesn’t. Demonstrating complete lack of social awareness she somehow figures that being enraged brings the Captain into just the right state of mind to absorb parenting tips from the very woman he’s mad at. I’m sure if Maria ever took the kids to a zoo she’d climb into a tiger cage during feeding hours to point out the “whiskers on kittens” item on her list of favourite things. The conversation ends with Von Trapp telling Maria to pack her bags and return to the Abbey.

Just at that moment we hear faint singing from inside the house. The Captain is bewildered. What is that melodic combination of sounds? What does it mean? He asks what it is, upon which Maria tells him it’s a little something people call “singing”. Von Trapp tries to save face by claiming that he was informed about this “singing” phenomenon all along. He says “Yes, I realize it’s singing, but who is singing?”. Come on buddy, there is a pretty limited number of people in the house, so make an effort to put two and two together! Maria tells him it’s the children singing a song they’ve put together for the Baroness. The Captain runs into the house, probably still unable to figure out what “singing” is actually about.

“What are these demonic symbols?! Get them out of here!”

The children are singing the song that Maria opened the movie with. So they can in fact do more than just sing the music notes out loud. In the middle of their song something clicks in the Captian’s mind and all of a sudden he remembers – ah yes, “singing”, he knows what that is! He joins in, much to everyone’s surprise. Von Trapp and the kids finish the song together and everyone hugs. The Captain chases Maria, who is on her way up the stairs to pack her bags. He says that now he wants her to stay, since she’s brought music back into his life. In a matter of minutes the Captain reverses his decision entirely. Behold, the power of music!

Next scene, another day. We see Maria and the kids put on a puppet show for Uncle Max, the Baroness and the Captain. The show involves a lot of different characters and even more yodelling. Everyone is impressed, especially the Captain. He tells Maria exactly how much he is impressed by saying “very very much”. That’s twice as good as a single “very”! Von Trapp and Maria exchange looks and Baroness Schraeder begins to get jealous. She mockingly asks Maria whether there’s anything she cannot do, to which Maria replies that she wouldn’t make a very good nun. That’s right, it’s hard to make a good nun, or any kind of nun, when Reverend Mother herself tells you to get the hell out of the Abbey.

“I like this nun dress, but do you perhaps have something more drape-based?”

Uncle Max announces that he’s finally found the group he’ll take to the Salzburg Folk Festival. It’s pretty obvious he’s talking about the Von Trapp children, seeing how they’ve just finished yet another successful performance and he was right there. However, for some reason everyone begins to stupidly shout out the names of other choirs and singing bands. Uncle Max decides to give them a not-at-all subtle hint and says that it’s a singing group “all in one family”. The Captain asks whose family that might be. Come on, does any character in this movie have an IQ above a two-digit figure? Uncle Max explains that he’s talking about the Captain’s kids. The Captain rejects the idea and insists that his children will never sing in public.

Next, the children and Maria decide that Von Trapp himself should sing a song. The Captain is uncomfortable with the idea and communicates this eloquently by saying “no” seven times in a row. Maria says she knows he’s been very good a long time ago. The Captain says it was a “very, very, very” long time ago. Three times “very” – the man has a way with words. Finally, under pressure from the kids he caves in and grabs the guitar. The Baroness is becoming annoyed and whispers to Max that if only she knew that everyone in this family communicated exclusively via songs she’d have brought along her harmonica. (CONTINUE TO PAGE 2)

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