Great thing about the Internet is that it lets literally anybody ask questions about this world, learn new facts, and socialise with other people.

The downside of that is that it lets literally anybody ask questions.

Case in point: Yahoo Answers. In theory: a brilliant concept that allows anyone to ask any question they want and then get qualified, peer-reviewed answers. In practice: not so much. More often than not, this fantastic resource is wasted on resolving such dilemmas as “Isn’t DiCaprio so hot?” and “Does my cat love me?” Today I take it upon myself to help a woman named Katie, by answering her insightful question-statement: I hate when people smile but also when they don’t smile?

Question (direct quote):

so liek you knwo when yoru buyign something and liek people smile at you and your like ‘wtf why r you smiling at me your beign realy fake, i know you dont care abouyt me your just care about making moeny. but also when their really frowny like their mad at me for liek being in a shop and wanting soemthing its like ok its yoru actual job to be giving me a service here so liek wtf why are yuo giving me a deth stair? ia ctalluy find ti kind of upsetting like i never did anytihng to them why are they blaming me for their *beep* life?

ok so my point is i hate both when people in shops do smiel and also whn tehy dont… soooo why dont i liek one of them more liek why dont i perfer it when people smile to when they frown? idk if its somethign wrong with me or with them…do otehr people get this?

Answer:

Dear Katie. How dare those people pick one of the only two mutually exclusive responses to interacting with you?! Don’t they know that some of their customers are dangerously unstable and can interpret pretty much any reaction as an affront to their existence?! It’s almost as if they somehow expect their customers to be well-balanced human beings! Fools!

See, this is why I always make sure to display the full range of emotions whenever I engage with other people. Just in case they’re like you, Katie. Real-world example:

My wife: Would you like some toast for breakfast?

Me: HAHAHAHHAHA! Toast? Toast?! That’s hilarious! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU OFFER ME TOAST, YOU PSYCHO?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME? I HATE YOU SO MUCH! Hey, could you also cut some salami? Thanks honey! Oh dear God, I’m so miserable. Toast for breakfast? What am I, an animal? I can’t live like this anymore!

This approach accomplishes two things. One, I get to practice a broad assortment of various behaviours, in case I ever need to display any one of them at a moment’s notice. Two, I take the guesswork out of trying to figure out how my wife wanted me to react (them women be crazy, know what I’m saying?). By reacting in every possible way simultaneously, I eliminate any potential for misunderstanding. It’s pure statistics.

On a side note: My wife asked me to move out of the house, for some reason. Maybe I should consult Yahoo Answers about some cheap places to rent.