Trump holding two babies

James Comey bombshell: “Trump may be devouring infants.”

Dear Messrs Chairmen,

In my previous congressional testimony, I have not mentioned Donald Trump in any capacity. Due to recent developments, I am writing to supplement my previous testimony.

In connection with an unrelated case, the FBI has learned of the existence of two words that may be pertinent to describing Donald Trump. That case: a casual perusal of the English Thesaurus. The words: “infanticide” and “cannibalism.”

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Group of people dressed as red superheroes

Email troll: “Pssst, hey…got some superpowers, man?”

Many a moon ago, in the ancient year of 2012, yours truly penned an article about ridiculous superpowers for sale on eBay.

Most of you read the articles, chuckled about how silly it’d be if someone naively fell for buying a magic ring that allegedly granted them invisibility, and went on with your lives.

But one man dared to be different. He read the article, bravely ignored the words inside it, and contacted me about buying some superpowers.

That man’s name is Ravi, and this is the story of our brief correspondence, delivered to you in its full, unfiltered glory.

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Donald Trump at RNC in July 2016

So you’re still voting for Trump. Why the bleeping bleep?!

It’s mid-October. Less than a month to go until America elects a new president. Are you planning to vote for Trump? Cool, cool…

Hey, quick question: What the actual Muslim-banning fuck?! How in the name of molesting Tic Tac can this be true?!

Listen, I understand. You dislike Clinton. You really, really, really dislike Clinton. Crooked Hillary. Benghazi. Emails. “Hillary For Prison.” Loud noises. Okay!

I’m not here to defend Clinton. She does happen to have the next-worst favorability rating of all presidential nominees in history, second only to Trump himself.

But again: Why are you still voting for Trump?

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Man holding fork, picking up a slice of chicken

7 honest reviews of food I found in my fridge

My wife and son went on vacation last Friday. I was left to my own devices (laptop, smartphone).

You probably think I spent my alone time having a series of mini-comas to catch up on all the sleep I’d lost during the last year of parenting. That’s because you haven’t met my brain.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Daniel’s brain. I like to keep Daniel awake with inconsequential crap like whether he remembered to cross out an item on his to-do list or whether he should consider starting a to-do list to keep track of crossed-out items on his other to-do lists. I am the worst.”

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Juno Jupiter space probe

Je suis Juno

Today, while we were all busy arguing with each other about the latest political headlines or being collectively outraged over the latest viral scandal, a humble spacecraft quietly made history.

Almost five years after its launch in August 2011, the Juno probe just entered the orbit of our solar system’s biggest planet, Jupiter. To call Juno’s journey “epic” isn’t an overstatement. For the first two years, Juno followed a carefully planned path, perfectly timed to return to Earth in October 2013 and use our planet’s gravitational pull as a giant catapult to slingshot itself into deep space and toward its final destination.

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Lego chef serving Lego pizza
Nathan chasing a duck

Happy first, son!

Nathan? Hi. It’s your dad here. Is this thing on?

I know you can’t hear me. Text doesn’t transmit sound waves, I’m told. You can’t read this yet, either, because you still believe that books are delicious meals you haven’t quite figured out how to chew properly. But you might read this one day, on your iScreen 3D or Goggles-Bot Ultra or whatever all the cool kids use in 2030. When you do, here’s a virtual memento from your dad.

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