If you were reading the news on Monday you may have come across the story of an NYPD cop who climbed a tree to save a cat, only to get stuck there and require firefighters to rescue him instead. Yes, that shit really happened. In real life. We live in a wonderful, wonderful world.

There’s lots of comedy to be extracted here. Firefighters perfectly living up to the old “firefighters rescue cats from trees” cliché, for example. Or, like, the whole story. Cop goes after cat, cop gets stuck, cop gets rescued by firefighters. If this scenario happened in a sitcom you’d call it fake…yet here we are.

However, I am here to tell you that this story points to a less obvious, yet curious observation. It appears the NYPD and FDNY have way too much time on their hands. Let’s break it down, shall we? We shall! Here are four early indicators that FDNY and NYPD may have quite a bit of time to spare:

4. Cops actually respond to a “cat rescue” call

The article makes sure to point out that the cops were responding to a “frantic 911 call”. Granted, somebody must have called 911 when a cat was in need of rescue. Note, however, that this task typically requires a single, generic adult person, of a non-police variety. There is little reason to involve NYPD, unless the cat is armed with a slingshot and is holding someone’s parrot hostage.

My guess is that the cops wouldn’t rush to rescue a cat unless they had plenty of time to do so.

I assume the exchange was more along the lines of:

“Some kids report a cat stuck in a tree. I know you guys are probably busy, so…”

“…nah, it’s cool, we have nothing to do. Where’s this cat at?”

And less along the lines of:

“Unit 47, this is dispatch, we have a ‘cat stuck in a tree’ incident, code 74, yellow-green.”

“10-4, we are ON IT! Call for backup!”

“Well, there’s also a man currently getting mugged at the corner of…”

“Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast. Let us deal with the cat emergency first and then we may check out this mugging situation.”

At least I sincerely hope that was the case. Otherwise I have to cancel all of my “getting mugged and miraculously rescued by cops” plans this weekend.

3. Their attempt to “rescue” the cat was half-assed, at best

When the two officers arrived at the scene, one of them proceeded to ineffectively chase the cat up a tree. Meanwhile, his partner stood back, pointed and laughed. This isn’t a case of two partners focusing on the mission at hand and trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. This is casual behaviour of people with not much else to do. I’ve exerted more energy on improving my knights in an iPad game than these cops have put into saving a cat.

Eventually the first cop gets stuck in the tree and his partner does the first useful thing of the day by calling in the cavalry, or, in this case – firefighters.

2. Firefighters arrive on scene, proceed to laugh and “take their time”

This is a direct quote from the article, because I’m all about research and shit:

When firefighters arrived, “they didn’t go straight to helping him,” Giuong said. “They all gathered around and laughed at him. They took their time just crowding around. It seemed the officer was enjoying himself.”

Here’s another one:

“The Fire Department seemed to be having a good time with it,” Yu said. “[And] the officer seemed like he was having a good time.”

Something tells me that on a long list of a cop’s or firefighter’s job competencies “ability to have a good time” ranks somewhere on par with “looking sexy in a uniform”. Although, admittedly, they often do. Sexy beasts! Grrrraaaaaw. Sorry, got carried away there.

But, you know, thank God they were all having a jolly good time. Phew. I was worried about them being unhappy there for a second. Luckily they had the chance to thoroughly enjoy themselves instead of doing something depressing like “attending to their duties” or something. Although it is comforting to know that New York streets are so crime- and fire- free that NYPD and FDNY can afford to just relax and have a good time every once in a while.

1. More fire trucks and patrol cars join in on the rescue, which takes 30 whole minutes

One more quote (because paraphrasing takes time, and who has time these days? Not a rhetorical question, the answer is “these guys”):

Yu said several fire trucks and police patrol cars responded and “took their time” in the rescue.

Emphasis added by me. I’m all about drama!

But seriously – how many firemen and patrolmen does it take to help a single cop and a cat down from a tree? That’s not a setup for a clever riddle. That’s an honest question, the answer to which is, shockingly, “more than one of each”.

Because two cops and a bunch of firefighters weren’t wasteful enough, apparently they’ve called up the whole gang to join in on the fun. Are any of these guys busy? More importantly, can I have their jobs? Especially the “sitting in a tree, enjoying the view” part of their jobs?

Finally, we get to hear that the “embarrassing ordeal took about 30 minutes”.

30 minutes to climb a ladder and rescue a hapless cop, plus a cat?

I don’t want to show off, but in 30 minutes I can throw at least 10 cats up a tree, make 15 laps around said tree while performing an elaborate rain dance, then vigorously shake all of the cats down and still have 5 minutes to spare. Trust me, I know. I’ve done it. Don’t ask.

So, yeah. If you ever see some cops or firemen in your neighbourhood, invite them on a picnic or something. They’re always lots of fun and never in a hurry!