Dear compatriots!

It is with deep sadness that I must inform you of a grave danger to our motherland.

The day we feared the most has finally arrived.

Early this morning, Ukraine attacked our country by aggressively expanding its borders directly into the path of our brave, innocent soldiers.

Under the cover of night, multiple Ukrainian cities have thrown themselves in the way of our peaceful artillery shells.

Our tanks and military trucks are experiencing unimaginable wear and tear while having to traverse Ukraine’s inhospitable roads.

Russian airplanes can no longer drop even a single teeny-tiny bomb without its path being blocked by some form of Ukrainian infrastructure.

It is a nightmare!

This, of course, is not the first time we face such a blatant attack from our bloodthirsty neighbor.

In 2014, in an act not witnessed since the Great Patriotic War, Ukraine had forcefully changed the borders of another sovereign country. It did so by sneaking the entire Crimean Peninsula into the territory of the Russian Federation.

Not content with that, Ukraine then saddled our active military personnel fearless volunteers with exhausting administrative duties in Luhansk and Donetsk People’s Republics.

For almost a decade, we tried to warn the world of Ukraine’s evil intentions. We screamed to anyone who’d listen about the dictatorial regime of Ukraine’s fascistic Nazi junta. But those devilish beasts have disguised their true colors by democratically electing their country’s first Jewish president.

Rather than hearing our pleas, the evil West has instead chosen to bring Russia to its knees by telling not one but several billionaires they could no longer visit their luxury London homes. Truly, the world’s collective cruelty knows no bounds.

Comrades, this unjust treatment of our people must end.

I call upon you to protect your homeland from Ukraine’s unprovoked act of violence.

And there is only one way to ensure that: Do absolutely nothing!

With luck, Ukraine’s geographical location will not shift and their reckless advance will be contained within their own territory.

Pray for your loved ones.

Pray for your fellow citizens.

Pray for the Soviet Un…uh…Russia.

Definitely Russia.