I have brain issues.
There, I said it. It’s right there, above, look!
While I am generally well adjusted, calm, and capable of calling myself “well adjusted” and “calm” with a straight face despite all signs to the contrary, there are things that make me angry.
Usually it’s stuff that we can all agree on, like people without manners, or snow.
But there are a couple of things that, objectively, should not even register on anyone’s “giving a damn” radar. Yet these things can make me furious. Inside my head. Inside-head-fury is the best kind of fury. Try it. It’s on me.
Here are some of those things.
3. Having my greeting ignored
I’m a friendly guy. I’ll smile. I’ll make eye contact. I’ll chuckle appreciatively when you tell me a joke about poultry crossing some roads. I’ll always say “hi”, or at least nod, when we pass each other in the hallway.
But you better return that “hi” or nod. If you pass by me and fail to acknowledge my greeting in an appropriate manner, I will hate you forever. “Forever” being “a few seconds of stunned, silent rage”, until the rational part of my brain catches up and tells me it’s not a big deal.
I’m not completely insane. I realise there are a lot of reasons you could have ignored me. Maybe you were in a hurry. Maybe you were so lost in thought that you didn’t even see me. Maybe you come from a place where greetings are prohibited by government decree. Maybe you’re simply allergic to the word “hi”.
See, the rational Daniel knows this. However, for a few moments after you overlook that smile I have so generously shared, I will be mad. Really mad. It’s quite impressive how quickly I’ll turn from a friendly, well-meaning person to a ball of condensed hatred when this happens.
“Top of the morning to you, good s…oh, go fuck yourself, asshole!”
Don’t worry, you won’t even know I hate you. I’ll come around quickly enough and forget all about it. Unless you do it again, that is. If I brand you a “repeat greeting offender” you shall know my wrath. You won’t see it, you won’t know about it, but you’ll feel it, somehow. I’m sure of it. You’ve been warned.
2. People who don’t play the “bless you” game
Look, let’s face it: saying “bless you” after someone sneezes doesn’t do anything useful. It doesn’t help the sneezing person in any way. It won’t cure their sneezing affliction. It’s essentially just you saying “hey there, I noticed you sneezed, so I wanted to let you know that I heard it and, you know, here we are”.
Yet, somehow, we have collectively decided that a sneeze calls for a customary “bless you” / “thank you” exchange. Humans are weird.
I play the “bless you” game all the time, because I’m polite and have OCD. So it usually bothers me when my own sneezes are greeted by the sound of fish singing the opera. That was a cryptic and contrived way of saying “silence”, because I don’t do word things too good.
But that’s nothing compared to having my “bless you” ignored. I am typically the first – and often the only – person in the room to offer a well-timed “bless you” after someone’s sneeze. When that person proceeds to silently accept my “bless you” without a “thank you”, Daniel go mad quick. Again, you won’t notice this, but you can bet I’m finding elaborate, nose-related ways to put a curse on you.
May your nose forever look like a penis with three testicles.
Again, I know how ridiculous it is to get worked up about this, but refer to “brain issues” above.
1. The “stop” button stand-off
This is a very niche case, so bear with me as I try to explain. Busses in Denmark have this “stop” button you can press, which tells the driver you want to get off at the next stop. That way, if nobody presses the “stop” button and there’s nobody at the bus stop, the driver can just carry on driving. Smart.
Well, trust me to find a way to get mad about it.
I take a bus from work to a train station nearby. Pretty much everyone on that bus gets off at that train station. I know this, so I usually wait for someone to press the “stop” button. Someone usually does. But then there are days where the bus gets closer and closer to the station, yet nobody presses the button. This is when my brain goes through the following silent monologue:
“Come on, guys. I know you’re going to the station too. Press the ‘stop’ button. If you don’t press it he won’t stop. Guys?! We’re close now. Press the goddamn button! Jesus, fine, I’ll press the damn button myself. Here! I have to remember everything for you! Without me you’d miss your stop and who knows how your lives would have turned out?! And you don’t even thank me for it. You just take all of that button-pressing work I do for granted, don’t you?! What? Now you’re leaving the bus before me?! How dare you?! Do you even know what I’ve done for you? You owe me! I made this possible!”
Do you even know what it takes to press this with your finger?
Yeah…it’s…it’s probably a good thing I share this post after getting married. I doubt she’d have said “yes” otherwise.
Speaking of which, here are those professional wedding photos I’ve promised. Hopefully they’ll help you forget how incurably mad I am at times.
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For more rants and general insanity, check these out:
Nest Expressed 
Yes life is full of idiots…hang in there buddy 😉
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Oh I try!
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Dang it, I was trying to drink my milk and you made me splurt it. God, this was funny. But about the sneeze thing,…what about multiple sneezers? If someone sneezes two, three, maybe four times, do you offer a bless you for each time? That always make me laugh when people do that 🙂
As far as the stop button, I can relate it to elevators. When I get on after someone is already there standing in front of the buttons so I can’t reach them, I feel it is their duty to ask me which floor and press it for me. When they don’t ask and I eventually have to ask THEM to push a button, it is like they’ve now become the keeper of the buttons and are doing me some sort of favor. Well forget it, mister button hogger, it’s no favor, it’s your JOB if you are gonna stand there. Phew, okay, I guess I have brain issues, too.
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Ha, it’s nice we’re all fucked up in our own special ways!
As for the triple-sneeze – you’re right, the massive “bless you” stream could be a tad too much. If I can see the person is in the middle of a sneeze attack I’ll wait until the end to say “bless you”. Although I have been known to say “bless you”, then, after the person sneezes again within some seconds, to say “and again!” or something like that. Issues, see?
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Ditto for the first one. In fact I have called a girl a “dumbass” on her face (for a different reason) just because I hated her for not saying “hi” back the last three times she passed me in the hostel hallway.
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Taking things to the next level, eh?! That’s what they get for not being polite!
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I read this yesterday at work on my phone. I laughed out loud. As I was looking at your gorgeous wedding photos, Jeff ambled by and said, “Now you’re looking at wedding photos of people you don’t even know.” And I said, “This is Daniel! Of course I know him. Look how gorgeous these photos are.” Jeff rolled his eyes and walked off.
I promptly said, “God bless you.”
Sheesh. Some people.
And you think you have brain issues. I have Jeff, a 180 pound issue, so I win. Not that I’m competitive or anything.
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God bless Jeff indeed!
Happy to make you laugh and thanks for the kind words on the photos. The photographer did an awesome job capturing some perfect moments!
Let’s just agree we all have our special brain issues that make all of us the unique snowflakes that we are. That works for me, if it works for you!
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Agreed! 🙂
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Ugly American here with a mini-van and a scooter, I do not take public transport so I wasn’t aware of this annoyance to riders, could explain the foul mood of some people though. Now the greeting, I ALWAYS smile, and if my mouth can get in gear I will say, hi how you doing… even if the person is a complete stranger. I also play the sneeze… and say “God bless you”, or “gesuzheight” (can’t spell it but I can say it)… as a person with allergies prone to sneezing fits… I also gratefully acknowledge anyone who blesses me with a ‘thank you’…..and if in a crowd of ill bred people who do not ‘bless me’… I will bless myself… and then ‘thank myself’… OUT LOUD so as to teach people the proper way to respond… and if actually works sometimes prompting them to ‘bless’ me on subsequent sneezes.
Glad to see you still blogging after the wedding 🙂
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Excellent! You would be free from my anger on all occasions!
I also like your strategy of blessing yourself and thanking yourself for the blessing. It is ingenious. I will start using it from now on. Also when greeting people:
“Hi”
“Oh hi, Daniel, nice of you to greet me”
Perfect.
And yup, this blog isn’t going anywhere!
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I love this! I love your humor and your writing. And you’re spot on, too. People who don’t return greetings should get paper cut within 12 hours. The “Bless You” game is more complicated for me. In Ireland, some people abide by the rules of the game, but many don’t. So my well-timed “Bless You” (because I’m the polite American in-law, right?) is met with silence. Finally, someone told me they don’t say that there. I couldn’t stop years of training, so I would continue with my blessings, pout for two seconds, and really hope everyone would get over their colds immediately. As for the last one, we have a similar system where I live. We press a strip on the wall instead of a button. I don’t use public transportation too often, so I don’t have an opinion on that one. Otherwise, I’m with you 100%.
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Glad you enjoy the writing. So I guess we’re equally neurotic then, huh? I’m sure there’s a support group out there for people like us.
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Uh oh. I’m often in my own world, and sometimes I don’t realize someone said hi to me before they’re long passed. And of course, I feel horrible about it. And I never say ‘Bless you,’ especially in a room full of strangers. In fact, in a room full of strangers I say nothing at all. I hope you will still allow me to visit your blog.
The pictures are fabulous! Thank you for sharing them. I felt like a voyeur, which is always fun. I loved the one where you two are walking away and you’ve leaped into the air. I also noticed that in one, you have your hand on your wife’s left buttock. Just couldn’t wait, could you?…
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This changes everything! It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore. I bet you never press stop buttons on busses either, do you?! What kind of monster are you?!
Yeah the air-leaping picture is an awesome catch by the photographer. Ha, didn’t realise there was buttock-grab, guess I have to go back to the pictures.
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When I was a bus-taker, I did pull the wire to signal my desire to stop, only because I learned the hard way and missed my stop once, because I kept thinking someone else would do it.
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You see how thankless and vital a “stop-button-presser” job can be?!
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