If there’s one thing about me, it’s that I get a lot of spam from all sorts of marketers. If there’s two things about me, it’s that every once in a while I troll those marketers for shits and giggles. This is one of those times. Below you find our email correspondence in its entirety. Have at it!

James Manor: “Top 5 Reasons to work with sovrn Holdings”

Hi there,

I’m interested in the unsold ad space on your website. sovrn Holdings provides display advertising that connects sites like yours to premium brands, allowing advertisers to bid on your ad space each time your page loads. We want to work with you, and think you’ll like working with us too.

Top 5 reasons to use sovrn as your display advertising provider:

1. Access to a dedicated account manager who specializes in your content category
2. No contracts or exclusivity agreements
3. No ad placement requirements
4. We work with all the major demand providers in addition to sourcing unique inventory
5. Real-time reporting and analytics give you the information you need to make informed decisions

Do you have time to talk about working together? You can reach me by replying to this email.

Best,
James Manor

Daniel Nest

Thank you for contacting Nest’s Entertainment Emporium And Fun Extravaganza!

Due to the inordinate amount of electronic correspondence our hobby-shop receives, we have, as of August 1st, introduced a number of filtering measures.

In order for your request to be properly addressed, please provide the following:

1) Your full name [including any middle name(s)]
2) Exactly three keywords that best describe your query (e.g. “marketing,” “dog,” “defenestration”)
3) Preferred contact method
4) Answer to the following riddle, to prove you’re human: [“What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive”?]
(You can request another riddle by typing “New riddle, please” in your response)

Once the above information has been received, it will take up to [11] [days] for us to process your query. Please be patient, and do the Macarena.

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

1) James William Manor
2) Money For Nest
3) email
4) A severed hand has four fingers, a thumb and is not alive… but I guess a glove could work too

Feel free to email me with any additional riddles – seems like a good way to break up the day! I’d also love to discuss making you more money for your advertising; but, riddles wouldn’t hurt in the meantime. I attached some general information about what we do as well.

Look forward to hearing some new riddles, and hopefully discussing monetization of your site.

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Dear [James William Manor],

Thank you for your response.

Unfortunately, your answer to 4) was incorrect.

You have answered: [A severed hand has four fingers, a thumb and is not alive… but I guess a glove could work too]

The correct answer was: [Glove]

Please answer the following riddle to prove you’re human: [“What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”]

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

If both my answers were correct, does that make me two humans?

The answer to your second one is: Carrot

-James

Daniel Nest

Dear [James William Manor],

Your human status has hereby been confirmed by our automated computer software.

The subject of your inquiry is [Money For Nest].

Please provide further details. A human operator will process your request.

Best regards,
Nest’s EEAFE hobby shop

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

I hope this email finds you well. My Name is James – I work at sovrn Holdings, based in Boulder, Colorado. We are a partner to publishers, helping them grow their revenue per by aligning some of the best brands in the in the country to their unsold display, mobile and video inventory. I would love to discuss your current monetization strategy on nest-expressed.com

At sovrn, we currently partner with over 20,000 publishers, 2 million websites and handle around 1 billion ad calls per day. Our RTB network directly connects you to the all the largest buyers in the industry; companies like Turn, Invite, Bidswitch – ensuring maximum revenue from your advertising space.

We have no contracts, or fees, so we typically set up a test run for a few weeks to show you how we can perform – or make any necessary adjustments. Sign up is extremely easy, and we could get your site live by this afternoon. A trial comes at no cost to you, and we provide tools to understand your audience – and resources to monetize it.

Would you be interested in setting up a test?

Feel free to email me if you’d like more information, or have any questions. I’m happy to set up a call if that is more convenient for you; look forward to hearing from you soon!

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Hi James,

Are you sure you got the right person? This is Daniel here. Who are you trying to get a hold of?

Daniel

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for getting back to me. I’m interested in discussing the current advertising strategy for nest-expressed, are you who I should be talking to? I think there’s a lot of potential for additional advertising revenue, and I wanted to discuss in detail what sovrn could do to help you reach that potential.

If I’m contacting the wrong person, could you put me in touch with whoever deals with your current advertising? Hope to hear back from you soon.

Best,
James

Daniel Nest

Hi James,

Reaching potentials is one of my favorite hobbies. Drinking Cherry Coke and eating corn dogs is probably the other one, but I wouldn’t know since I haven’t ever tasted them.

But you must have gotten the wrong person, because I don’t advertise any “current” at all. You’re probably thinking of some large electricity companies, like American Electric Power or Florida Municipal Power Agency. Have you tried contacting any of those?

Daniel

James Manor

Hey Daniel,

I’m just going to assume you are uninterested unless you signal otherwise. If you would like to discuss increasing your revenues from advertising I would be happy to continue our conversation. Otherwise, I wish your site all the best, and hope to work with you in the future.

Best,
James

Well, James…if you’re reading this, I guess now you know for sure. Do try to get in touch with those corporations though, they usually love reaching all sorts of potential.