The last time I dared to venture into the dark vaults of Google patents library I dug up some clearly insane self-defence gadgets. I managed to recover from the ordeal with most of my sanity intact and only a tiny part of my soul irreversibly scarred.

A few days ago I decided to do some more patent browsing. Only this time I needed a more innocent topic. Something that would make people smile and think of the good things in life.

“What could be more innocent than toys designed for kids?” I thought…foolish mortal, how wrong I was!

What I have discovered is that there are thousands of children’s dolls being patented and that a good chunk of them are embodiments of evil. I will never watch another horror movie again, simply because no movie will ever come as close to scaring me shitless as these patented dolls.

Allow me to introduce some dolls that range from creepy to Hell incarnate. Make no mistake: inventors of these dolls are not out to make the world better. No, these people have sworn vengeance against all children. Worst of all, their understanding of human anatomy is based exclusively on nightmares and assembly instructions for medieval torture devices.

10. My Best Friend Doll (Patent: US20110237154)

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a child having a toy for a best friend. Many of us even had imaginary friends and some of us still do (shut up Fred, I’m talking!). However, this particular patent reads like a schematic for a secret ploy to infiltrate children’s ranks and steal their smiles.

The doll is designed to speak messages that were “pre-recorded in a life-like child’s voice”. The inventors didn’t even want an actual child to record these messages. They’re OK with a “life-like” approximation.

Furthermore, the doll “comprises a housing in the form of a human infant body comprising a head having human facial features.” I’m pretty sure that’s a passage from Humans for Dummies book written by Martians. Now, let’s take a look at illustrations of this “human infant” doll:

I can’t tell why inventors believe that “human infant” is synonymous with “cross-dressing sex offender”, but at least now it’s clear why they hate children so much!

9. Blowing Doll (Patent: US20020094746)

I’m sure that this doll with a wildly misleading name disappointed many a lonely male in search of companionship. However, it’s not only adults that stand to have their dreams crushed by this invention.

The idea behind this doll is to have it expel “a flow of air from its mouth when stimulated by the passage near its mouth of…hot food or a hot beverage, for the purpose of cooling” it. I have no idea why kids would want a toy whose only function is to blow on their food, but at least this premise sounds innocent enough at first. It is only when you look at the sad monstrosity that you realise how psychologically scarring this toy can get:

Not only is it a really depressed looking rabbit-rooster-hybrid arm amputee, but whenever you offer it food or beverage it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live. Well, at least by giving your kids this toy you absolve yourself of ever having to explain to them the tragic insignificance of life and inevitability of death. They’ll learn quickly enough on their own!

8. Space Baby Doll (Patent: USD637242)

If you have just read “Space Baby Doll” and thought “nothing wrong here, let’s see where this is going”, then wake the hell up! We’re talking about a children’s toy that is inspired by creatures from outer space. Nothing good can ever come out of this idea! Very few movies about aliens portray them as likeable beings. OK, there’s E.T., but even that guy looks like a humanoid lizard with oversized binoculars in place of a head.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about this. Maybe they’ve managed to make a nice little alien doll that brings about happiness and doesn’t look like Frankenstein monster’s inbred cousin. Let’s take a look:

You know, now I really do wish I was wrong…

7. Interactive Doll (Patent: USD636448)

This tiny fellow is actually kind of cute. You can pretend he’s your mini robot buddy. Take him for a walk with you, make him dance, decapitate him and shove his inverted torso into his head upside down. Possibilities are endless! And who cares that he looks like the victim of an eerily precise sniper shot?

Also, unlike many useless toys this doll can actually teach kids valuable lessons. It will prepare your child for properly taking care of, maintaining and worshipping our robot overlords when they finally take over Earth in 2031.

6. “Squash Beak” Doll (Patent: USD328932)

There isn’t much to say about this doll aside from the fact that it’s a creative representation of the Devil himself.

What’s impressive here is that in spite of the massive head trauma undoubtedly suffered by this abomination’s inventor, he actually pulled off a seemingly impossible feat: this monster looks equally terrifying from absolutely any angle.

Here:

Sleep tight, kids!

5. “Three Boob” Doll (Patent: USD408873)

Have you ever wondered what a hellish spawn of a silverback gorilla and that triple-breasted woman from Total Recall would look like? If yes, then what the fuck is wrong with you?! Also, enjoy:

As creepy as this doll is to begin with, it only gets worse when you realise that even though it’s clearly wearing Dutch clogs on its feet in the above picture it somehow manages to slip out of them when you look at it from below:

Anyway, there’s probably a completely sane explanation for this. Maybe the creature’s clogs are simply made out of human feet?

4. “Jesus” Doll (Patent: USD528171)

Now here’s a fine example of a doll made with good intentions. This toy is from a series of “dolls formed in the likeness of the Lord Jesus”. It is meant to teach kids good Christian values and the difference between right and wrong. The concept is solid! The execution…not so much.

You see, many of us have probably met a hobo who claimed to be Jesus at some point in our lives. However, while most of us chose to ignore said hobo, the inventor of this doll not only believed him, but rushed to make a Jesus doll that looked like his carbon copy:

I must have missed the chapter of the Bible that portrays Jesus as an unshaven hippie whose skin has acquired the texture and pattern of his clothing. Fortunately, I now have this doll to teach me the error of my ways.

3. Interactive Toy (Patent: US20090117816)

This smart toy is built to simulate interaction with humans and/or other similar toys. It can be customized to create “an appearance of a human, an animal, a machine, a robot, a mythical creature, a cartoon character, a fish, or other simulateable [sic] character.”

Many questions arise here. Why not just say “customizable appearance” and leave it at that? Why single out “fish” in that random stream-of-consciousness list, when “animal” already covers it? Most importantly – does the inventor have any examples of these numerous and varying appearances? The answer is “Yes, a whopping total of two”:

Of all the countless appearances the inventor listed he chose the following two to illustrate his point: a droopy eyed criminal and a female stroke victim (if her contorted face is anything to go by).

To those of you who wonder why I decided to brand that man-doll a criminal, I’d like to direct your attention to his clearly visible teardrop tattoo. That man is so badass that even the smiley on his T-shirt has a teardrop tattoo of its own. Way to give kids some role models to “interact” with!

2. Motorized Doll (Patent:  US20100216370)

“Motorized” and “doll” rank pretty high on the list of “words that should never ever be put together, ever”. This invention illustrates exactly why that is. The inventor dedicates almost 20 whole pages to pictures of this inhuman freak defying physics and laws of motion. Here are just a few examples:

The inventor doesn’t explicitly state that this doll can do a backwards spider-shuffle like the girl from The Exorcist, but I have no doubt in my mind that it’s a pre-programmed secret “bonus” feature of the beast.

1. Re-Configurable Doll (Patent: US20080194172)

The opening sentence describing this doll states that it “comprises a torso, a head attached to the torso, and arms and legs attached to the torso”. This cold, clinical description of what the rest of us call “a human body” should already tip you off to the state of inventor’s mental health.

The inventor allows us to “configure” the doll’s face to our liking, making it transition from spooky:

To monstrous:

To AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why in the thirteen names of fuck would you want to attach a human mouth to a human forehead and instead replace the mouth with a penis, unless you were a violent lunatic?! What next?! Are we going to start making dolls that you can tear apart limb by limb and store in some container, like a goddamn serial killer?!

Holy…fuck!