10 Dolls to Haunt your Children’s Dreams

The last time I dared to venture into the dark vaults of Google patents library I dug up some clearly insane self-defence gadgets. I managed to recover from the ordeal with most of my sanity intact and only a tiny part of my soul irreversibly scarred.

A few days ago I decided to do some more patent browsing. Only this time I needed a more innocent topic. Something that would make people smile and think of the good things in life.

“What could be more innocent than toys designed for kids?” I thought…foolish mortal, how wrong I was!

What I have discovered is that there are thousands of children’s dolls being patented and that a good chunk of them are embodiments of evil. I will never watch another horror movie again, simply because no movie will ever come as close to scaring me shitless as these patented dolls.

Unhappy Spooky Doll

“Children’s laughter makes me sad…and hungry”

Allow me to introduce some dolls that range from creepy to Hell incarnate. Make no mistake: inventors of these dolls are not out to make the world better. No, these people have sworn vengeance against all children. Worst of all, their understanding of human anatomy is based exclusively on nightmares and assembly instructions for medieval torture devices.

10. My Best Friend Doll (Patent: US20110237154)

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a child having a toy for a best friend. Many of us even had imaginary friends and some of us still do (shut up Fred, I’m talking!). However, this particular patent reads like a schematic for a secret ploy to infiltrate children’s ranks and steal their smiles.

The doll is designed to speak messages that were “pre-recorded in a life-like child’s voice”. The inventors didn’t even want an actual child to record these messages. They’re OK with a “life-like” approximation.

Furthermore, the doll “comprises a housing in the form of a human infant body comprising a head having human facial features.” I’m pretty sure that’s a passage from Humans for Dummies book written by Martians. Now, let’s take a look at illustrations of this “human infant” doll:

“We come in peace, human child. Surrender now! We have candy!”

I can’t tell why inventors believe that “human infant” is synonymous with “cross-dressing sex offender”, but at least now it’s clear why they hate children so much!

9. Blowing Doll (Patent: US20020094746)

I’m sure that this doll with a wildly misleading name disappointed many a lonely male in search of companionship. However, it’s not only adults that stand to have their dreams crushed by this invention.

The idea behind this doll is to have it expel “a flow of air from its mouth when stimulated by the passage near its mouth of…hot food or a hot beverage, for the purpose of cooling” it. I have no idea why kids would want a toy whose only function is to blow on their food, but at least this premise sounds innocent enough at first. It is only when you look at the sad monstrosity that you realise how psychologically scarring this toy can get:

“Please…just…just kill me…kill me now!”

Not only is it a really depressed looking rabbit-rooster-hybrid arm amputee, but whenever you offer it food or beverage it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live. Well, at least by giving your kids this toy you absolve yourself of ever having to explain to them the tragic insignificance of life and inevitability of death. They’ll learn quickly enough on their own!

8. Space Baby Doll (Patent: USD637242)

If you have just read “Space Baby Doll” and thought “nothing wrong here, let’s see where this is going”, then wake the hell up! We’re talking about a children’s toy that is inspired by creatures from outer space. Nothing good can ever come out of this idea! Very few movies about aliens portray them as likeable beings. OK, there’s E.T., but even that guy looks like a humanoid lizard with oversized binoculars in place of a head.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about this. Maybe they’ve managed to make a nice little alien doll that brings about happiness and doesn’t look like Frankenstein monster’s inbred cousin. Let’s take a look:

“I smile because I can see your soul”

You know, now I really do wish I was wrong…

7. Interactive Doll (Patent: USD636448)

This tiny fellow is actually kind of cute. You can pretend he’s your mini robot buddy. Take him for a walk with you, make him dance, decapitate him and shove his inverted torso into his head upside down. Possibilities are endless! And who cares that he looks like the victim of an eerily precise sniper shot?

I love everyb…OOOW, my brains! Son of a bitch!

Also, unlike many useless toys this doll can actually teach kids valuable lessons. It will prepare your child for properly taking care of, maintaining and worshipping our robot overlords when they finally take over Earth in 2031.

6. “Squash Beak” Doll (Patent: USD328932)

There isn’t much to say about this doll aside from the fact that it’s a creative representation of the Devil himself.

What’s impressive here is that in spite of the massive head trauma undoubtedly suffered by this abomination’s inventor, he actually pulled off a seemingly impossible feat: this monster looks equally terrifying from absolutely any angle.

Here:

The many faces of Lucifer

Sleep tight, kids!

5. “Three Boob” Doll (Patent: USD408873)

Have you ever wondered what a hellish spawn of a silverback gorilla and that triple-breasted woman from Total Recall would look like? If yes, then what the fuck is wrong with you?! Also, enjoy:

Well, hi there!

As creepy as this doll is to begin with, it only gets worse when you realise that even though it’s clearly wearing Dutch clogs on its feet in the above picture it somehow manages to slip out of them when you look at it from below:

Peekaboo!

Anyway, there’s probably a completely sane explanation for this. Maybe the creature’s clogs are simply made out of human feet?

4. “Jesus” Doll (Patent: USD528171)

Now here’s a fine example of a doll made with good intentions. This toy is from a series of “dolls formed in the likeness of the Lord Jesus”. It is meant to teach kids good Christian values and the difference between right and wrong. The concept is solid! The execution…not so much.

You see, many of us have probably met a hobo who claimed to be Jesus at some point in our lives. However, while most of us chose to ignore said hobo, the inventor of this doll not only believed him, but rushed to make a Jesus doll that looked like his carbon copy:

…and so Jesus said unto them: “Hey, got some spare change?”

I must have missed the chapter of the Bible that portrays Jesus as an unshaven hippie whose skin has acquired the texture and pattern of his clothing. Fortunately, I now have this doll to teach me the error of my ways.

3. Interactive Toy (Patent: US20090117816)

This smart toy is built to simulate interaction with humans and/or other similar toys. It can be customized to create “an appearance of a human, an animal, a machine, a robot, a mythical creature, a cartoon character, a fish, or other simulateable [sic] character.”

Many questions arise here. Why not just say “customizable appearance” and leave it at that? Why single out “fish” in that random stream-of-consciousness list, when “animal” already covers it? Most importantly – does the inventor have any examples of these numerous and varying appearances? The answer is “Yes, a whopping total of two”:

They live among us…

Of all the countless appearances the inventor listed he chose the following two to illustrate his point: a droopy eyed criminal and a female stroke victim (if her contorted face is anything to go by).

To those of you who wonder why I decided to brand that man-doll a criminal, I’d like to direct your attention to his clearly visible teardrop tattoo. That man is so badass that even the smiley on his T-shirt has a teardrop tattoo of its own. Way to give kids some role models to “interact” with!

2. Motorized Doll (Patent:  US20100216370)

“Motorized” and “doll” rank pretty high on the list of “words that should never ever be put together, ever”. This invention illustrates exactly why that is. The inventor dedicates almost 20 whole pages to pictures of this inhuman freak defying physics and laws of motion. Here are just a few examples:

Mutant Aerobics 101

The inventor doesn’t explicitly state that this doll can do a backwards spider-shuffle like the girl from The Exorcist, but I have no doubt in my mind that it’s a pre-programmed secret “bonus” feature of the beast.

1. Re-Configurable Doll (Patent: US20080194172)

The opening sentence describing this doll states that it “comprises a torso, a head attached to the torso, and arms and legs attached to the torso”. This cold, clinical description of what the rest of us call “a human body” should already tip you off to the state of inventor’s mental health.

The inventor allows us to “configure” the doll’s face to our liking, making it transition from spooky:

To monstrous:

To AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why in the thirteen names of fuck would you want to attach a human mouth to a human forehead and instead replace the mouth with a penis, unless you were a violent lunatic?! What next?! Are we going to start making dolls that you can tear apart limb by limb and store in some container, like a goddamn serial killer?!

Hiding the mouth is very important! That way they can’t tell anyone!

Holy…fuck!

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6 self-defence gadgets (invented by lunatics)

The world is full of crazy people. This is a scientific fact verified by prominent contemporary thinkers (citation needed) and readily observable in any comment thread on Youtube.

Previously I have taken on the nutjobs that sell stuff on eBay, exposed crazies that send spam and even described my first-hand experience of living with a psycho flatmate.

However, not all crazy folk are out to sell you “haunted” items, spam you with porn, or murder you for leaving windows open. Some of them are dedicating efforts towards a greater good. They are working tirelessly to invent the next breakthrough in the world of self-defence equipment. They want you to feel safe when you leave your house, armed with the knowledge that you can handle whatever trouble may come your way.

Unfortunately, having good intentions does not negate the effects of being mad as a bag of rabies. Here are some self-defence inventions that are less “self-defence” and more “unbridled insanity”. As an added bonus, most of them are much more likely to hurt you than your attackers.

6. Self Defence Wearable

Do you know what the problem is with most self defence gadgets? They’re simply too dangerous for the user. They either require a high level of expertise in martial arts to be used effectively, or, even worse, can be used against you by your attacker. At least that’s the claim the inventors of this “self defence wearable” want us all to accept.

Alright, I’ll bite. I see how a can of pepper spray may be wrestled from me and turned against me in a scuffle. Oddly enough, I’d like to avoid having my own weapons used against me. So, what can you offer me, oh great inventors?

Warning: Avoid rain and/or touching the ground while wearing this item

I…see. It’s a sort of jacket. With high voltage wires running through it. That you wear. On your body. Having reviewed this patent I have a lot of questions. Actually no, I only have one question, and that question is “what the fuck?”.

Basically, the designers took the effectiveness of a taser and put it into a more “suicide-friendly” package. Call me conservative, but I usually prefer my clothes to have no electricity running through them.

But maybe I’m being unreasonably harsh. Afterall, the inventors are clearly aware of the inherent danger present in using self-defence gadgets and explicitly set out to solve this very issue. Surely, they must have invented some fail-safe mechanism to prevent the wearers from zapping themselves?

Ah, there we go: the only way this jacket can be charged is by a “clenching of the wearer’s hand, a natural response to an attack situation“. Right, a natural response to an attack situation…or to, I don’t know, a handshake, maybe? Sounds like this jacket could make for some hilariously awkward job interviews.

Is it your electrifying personality or do I have a high voltage current running through me right now?

But again, I’m being unfair. The inventors also propose alternative ways to put the jacket into a charged state, including a key switch, a dial and…a coded keypad. Wait, what?! You seriously expect me to punch in a number sequence in order to activate my electric death-trap of a garment? In the middle of an attack? Look, if my attacker is so damn stupid that he waits patiently while I type in a pin-code on my self-defence jacket, then I probably could’ve defeated him with a moderately difficult jigsaw puzzle.

5. Self Defence Weapon Or Similar Article

It claims to be a self defence weapon (or similar article). It looks like what would happen if a bottle opener fucked a key. In reality, it’s probably neither of those three. The truth is, we’ll never know, because this patent provides zero textual description. To compensate, it offers four drawings of the same device from four different angles:

At first I was like: “what the hell is this thing?”. Now I’m like: “what the hell are these things?!”

I can only assume that you’re supposed to clench the broad piece in your fist like brass knuckles and jab the protruding blunt “key” part into the attacker’s face. Which begs the question: why not just get a set of brass knuckles? Immediately after that it begs another question: why have the inventors of this device not been institutionalised yet? When you look at brass knuckles and decide that they can be improved by attaching a key to them, then you’re clearly missing crucial reasoning skills.

4. Hand-Held Self-Defence Device

This one is perfect for serious hunters and casual serial killers. The device takes the above idea of improving on the regular “vanilla” brass knuckles one step closer to “nightmarish”.

That’s a pretty contrived gang sign!

The device is intended to have multiple protrusions for “hooking or striking” the assailant. Inventor’s original draft included additional protrusions for “skinning” and “filleting”, but his lawyers and psychiatrists managed to convince him that serving a prison sentence wasn’t as fun as it sounded.

You think I’m blowing this out of proportion, don’t you? Well here’s a fun fact: “the device may also be used to hook the assailant’s orifice or pressure point, such as mouth, eye, ear, etc.“.

First, this text was probably lifted directly from the diaries of Jack The Ripper. Second, if I have the finesse required to perform such hooking manoeuvres, then I really don’t need a “self-defence” gadget. I can just kill the assailant with some chewing gum and a safety pin. Also, I’m probably wanted for multiple murders in over a dozen countries.

Finally, the inventor maintains that it is “desirable to have a defense device that may be designed to fit a variety of sizes, ranging from small children to full-sized adults“. I will let that sink in for a moment…

There are two possible ways to interpret the above statement. Both are equally horrifying and neither one is remotely sane. This device is designed to be used either:

a) against small children. Well, at least we won’t have any more toddlers mugging people on the street.

or

b) by small children. This…this is actually more horrifying. I don’t know about you, but I’m bracing myself for the imminent invasion of the inventor’s child-ninja army.

On the plus side, “the device also functions as a key chain“. How…cute?

3. Animal Defensive Barrier And Exercise Device

How many times has this happened to you:

You’re out for a jog on a sunny day, when suddenly you’re attacked by an uncontrollable dog. You frantically search for a way to defend yourself. You know that a nearby stone or stick isn’t enough for you. The only thing you can think of is a device that can be swung around, thereby creating a “defensive barrier” between yourself and the vicious animal. Oh, and it should make a whistling sound. Oh yeah, it should also serve as exercise equipment once you’re done defending yourself.

If you have answered anything other than “all the fucking time”, then congratulations on still being in control of your mental faculties. If you have answered “all the fucking time”, then you’re the inventor of this self-defence/exercise device.

According to the inventor, dog attacks on “joggers, walkers and bicyclists” are such a pressing issue and things like “canes, sticks, ropes, etc.” are so ineffectual at dealing with it that the only solution is his device.

So, what is this device? Well, it’s kind of a whistle. Attached to a rope. You swing it around and it whistles. That’s about it.

How does this help you ward off dogs and other animals? I’m glad you asked! You see….it’s because the defence barrier…when you swing it, it activates…you know what? I’ll just let the inventor’s drawing speak for itself:

The dog cannot penetrate this defensive barrier, because, as we all know, dogs don’t think in 3D.

Ironically, one of the issues the inventor wants to address is the fact that other devices “can excite the animal“, instead of scaring it off. I’m not sure how a whistle swinging wildly is supposed to do anything other than “excite” the animal. Then again, I’m also not filling out patent applications from the inside of an insane asylum.

2. Leak-proof Self Defence Liquid Squirt Gun

The inventor of this device is a humble soul. His gun merely “satisfies a 100-year old search for a definitive defense (especially by women) against human predators or vicious dogs“. 100 years? That’s a very specific figure. Did people only start searching for self-defense tools in the late 19th century (the patent application is from 1992)?  Or is the inventor’s knowledge of human history inversely proportional to his level of insanity? You be the judge.

Apparently, an aerosol can was an ineffective system of delivering pepper spray to the eyes of assailants. This guy decided to rectify the problem by putting “disabling fluid” into a tiny clownish gun instead. The inventor’s ambitions for this gun are so high that he’s convinced that “eventually the sight of it will have an effective defense by reputation“. Yes, would-be attackers – you may be tough now, but wait until you see this:

Honk Honk!

It’s hard to believe that the phrase “my predator-zapping squirt gun” has been written by anyone other than a five-year old acting out a battle between unicorns and aliens (he’s a confused child, leave him alone).

To make things even more awkward, the inventor repeatedly refers to the invention as “my squirt gun“. If this isn’t an intentional euphemism for his sexual prowess then it leaves him wide open to all sorts of crude jokes. But I’ll be mature about this and…”my squirt gun fulfils a social vacuum of need universally recognized“.

Dude, the only way your “squirt gun” is fulfilling a social vacuum of need is if you’re firing blanks. God forbid you should ever reproduce!

1. Self-Retrieving Attack Ball

Combining the elasticity of a yo-yo with the skull-crushing lethality of a flail this fun device puts “merry” in “murder”. The inventor takes departure in the following crazy premise:

A trained base ball pitcher should be able to repulse any attacker with a weapon short of a fire arm if the base ball pitcher has a score of balls. The problem is the impracticality of carrying a score of balls as a self-defense weapon.

The only possible problem the inventor sees with using baseballs as self-defence weapons is the inconvenience of carrying them. When you start out on a crazy note like that, where do you go from there?

“‘Get over here!’ No, I mean ‘Get out of here!’. Hmmm, I’ll work on it”

Right…I’m sorry I asked. This device literally functions as a yo-yo, except for instead of the axle it has a solid ball “with a plurality of protrusions such as spikes or barbs” and has the “combined potency of a ball and chain flail and hundreds of base balls“. I would think that a measly ball-and-chain flail is more than sufficient for “self-defence” purposes. Following that up with “hundreds of baseballs” seems completely redundant. Or is the inventor just that fond of baseball analogies for murder?

This invention was originally pitched to Muammar Gaddafi as a torture device, but Muammar replied that it was a bit too “Gaddafi” for his taste. Its inventor quickly re-pitched the ball as a self-defence tool, forgetting to change the title from “attack ball” in the process.

Do you want to know the scariest part? The inventor has actually been granted a patent for this device, instead of being sent off to Alcatraz. So the next time you’re at a baseball game and you spot a guy swinging a yo-yo around…well, you better have some sort of a self-defence gadget on you.