The world is full of crazy people. This is a scientific fact verified by prominent contemporary thinkers (citation needed) and readily observable in any comment thread on Youtube.

Previously I have taken on the nutjobs that sell stuff on eBay, exposed crazies that send spam and even described my first-hand experience of living with a psycho flatmate.

However, not all crazy folk are out to sell you “haunted” items, spam you with porn, or murder you for leaving windows open. Some of them are dedicating efforts towards a greater good. They are working tirelessly to invent the next breakthrough in the world of self-defence equipment. They want you to feel safe when you leave your house, armed with the knowledge that you can handle whatever trouble may come your way.

Unfortunately, having good intentions does not negate the effects of being mad as a bag of rabies. Here are some self-defence inventions that are less “self-defence” and more “unbridled insanity”. As an added bonus, most of them are much more likely to hurt you than your attackers.

6. Self Defence Wearable

Do you know what the problem is with most self defence gadgets? They’re simply too dangerous for the user. They either require a high level of expertise in martial arts to be used effectively, or, even worse, can be used against you by your attacker. At least that’s the claim the inventors of this “self defence wearable” want us all to accept.

Alright, I’ll bite. I see how a can of pepper spray may be wrestled from me and turned against me in a scuffle. Oddly enough, I’d like to avoid having my own weapons used against me. So, what can you offer me, oh great inventors?

Warning: Avoid rain and/or touching the ground while wearing this item

I…see. It’s a sort of jacket. With high voltage wires running through it. That you wear. On your body. Having reviewed this patent I have a lot of questions. Actually no, I only have one question, and that question is “what the fuck?”.

Basically, the designers took the effectiveness of a taser and put it into a more “suicide-friendly” package. Call me conservative, but I usually prefer my clothes to have no electricity running through them.

But maybe I’m being unreasonably harsh. Afterall, the inventors are clearly aware of the inherent danger present in using self-defence gadgets and explicitly set out to solve this very issue. Surely, they must have invented some fail-safe mechanism to prevent the wearers from zapping themselves?

Ah, there we go: the only way this jacket can be charged is by a “clenching of the wearer’s hand, a natural response to an attack situation“. Right, a natural response to an attack situation…or to, I don’t know, a handshake, maybe? Sounds like this jacket could make for some hilariously awkward job interviews.

Is it your electrifying personality or do I have a high voltage current running through me right now?

But again, I’m being unfair. The inventors also propose alternative ways to put the jacket into a charged state, including a key switch, a dial and…a coded keypad. Wait, what?! You seriously expect me to punch in a number sequence in order to activate my electric death-trap of a garment? In the middle of an attack? Look, if my attacker is so damn stupid that he waits patiently while I type in a pin-code on my self-defence jacket, then I probably could’ve defeated him with a moderately difficult jigsaw puzzle.

5. Self Defence Weapon Or Similar Article

It claims to be a self defence weapon (or similar article). It looks like what would happen if a bottle opener fucked a key. In reality, it’s probably neither of those three. The truth is, we’ll never know, because this patent provides zero textual description. To compensate, it offers four drawings of the same device from four different angles:

At first I was like: “what the hell is this thing?”. Now I’m like: “what the hell are these things?!”

I can only assume that you’re supposed to clench the broad piece in your fist like brass knuckles and jab the protruding blunt “key” part into the attacker’s face. Which begs the question: why not just get a set of brass knuckles? Immediately after that it begs another question: why have the inventors of this device not been institutionalised yet? When you look at brass knuckles and decide that they can be improved by attaching a key to them, then you’re clearly missing crucial reasoning skills.

4. Hand-Held Self-Defence Device

This one is perfect for serious hunters and casual serial killers. The device takes the above idea of improving on the regular “vanilla” brass knuckles one step closer to “nightmarish”.

That’s a pretty contrived gang sign!

The device is intended to have multiple protrusions for “hooking or striking” the assailant. Inventor’s original draft included additional protrusions for “skinning” and “filleting”, but his lawyers and psychiatrists managed to convince him that serving a prison sentence wasn’t as fun as it sounded.

You think I’m blowing this out of proportion, don’t you? Well here’s a fun fact: “the device may also be used to hook the assailant’s orifice or pressure point, such as mouth, eye, ear, etc.“.

First, this text was probably lifted directly from the diaries of Jack The Ripper. Second, if I have the finesse required to perform such hooking manoeuvres, then I really don’t need a “self-defence” gadget. I can just kill the assailant with some chewing gum and a safety pin. Also, I’m probably wanted for multiple murders in over a dozen countries.

Finally, the inventor maintains that it is “desirable to have a defense device that may be designed to fit a variety of sizes, ranging from small children to full-sized adults“. I will let that sink in for a moment…

There are two possible ways to interpret the above statement. Both are equally horrifying and neither one is remotely sane. This device is designed to be used either:

a) against small children. Well, at least we won’t have any more toddlers mugging people on the street.

or

b) by small children. This…this is actually more horrifying. I don’t know about you, but I’m bracing myself for the imminent invasion of the inventor’s child-ninja army.

On the plus side, “the device also functions as a key chain“. How…cute?

3. Animal Defensive Barrier And Exercise Device

How many times has this happened to you:

You’re out for a jog on a sunny day, when suddenly you’re attacked by an uncontrollable dog. You frantically search for a way to defend yourself. You know that a nearby stone or stick isn’t enough for you. The only thing you can think of is a device that can be swung around, thereby creating a “defensive barrier” between yourself and the vicious animal. Oh, and it should make a whistling sound. Oh yeah, it should also serve as exercise equipment once you’re done defending yourself.

If you have answered anything other than “all the fucking time”, then congratulations on still being in control of your mental faculties. If you have answered “all the fucking time”, then you’re the inventor of this self-defence/exercise device.

According to the inventor, dog attacks on “joggers, walkers and bicyclists” are such a pressing issue and things like “canes, sticks, ropes, etc.” are so ineffectual at dealing with it that the only solution is his device.

So, what is this device? Well, it’s kind of a whistle. Attached to a rope. You swing it around and it whistles. That’s about it.

How does this help you ward off dogs and other animals? I’m glad you asked! You see….it’s because the defence barrier…when you swing it, it activates…you know what? I’ll just let the inventor’s drawing speak for itself:

The dog cannot penetrate this defensive barrier, because, as we all know, dogs don’t think in 3D.

Ironically, one of the issues the inventor wants to address is the fact that other devices “can excite the animal“, instead of scaring it off. I’m not sure how a whistle swinging wildly is supposed to do anything other than “excite” the animal. Then again, I’m also not filling out patent applications from the inside of an insane asylum.

2. Leak-proof Self Defence Liquid Squirt Gun

The inventor of this device is a humble soul. His gun merely “satisfies a 100-year old search for a definitive defense (especially by women) against human predators or vicious dogs“. 100 years? That’s a very specific figure. Did people only start searching for self-defense tools in the late 19th century (the patent application is from 1992)?  Or is the inventor’s knowledge of human history inversely proportional to his level of insanity? You be the judge.

Apparently, an aerosol can was an ineffective system of delivering pepper spray to the eyes of assailants. This guy decided to rectify the problem by putting “disabling fluid” into a tiny clownish gun instead. The inventor’s ambitions for this gun are so high that he’s convinced that “eventually the sight of it will have an effective defense by reputation“. Yes, would-be attackers – you may be tough now, but wait until you see this:

Honk Honk!

It’s hard to believe that the phrase “my predator-zapping squirt gun” has been written by anyone other than a five-year old acting out a battle between unicorns and aliens (he’s a confused child, leave him alone).

To make things even more awkward, the inventor repeatedly refers to the invention as “my squirt gun“. If this isn’t an intentional euphemism for his sexual prowess then it leaves him wide open to all sorts of crude jokes. But I’ll be mature about this and…”my squirt gun fulfils a social vacuum of need universally recognized“.

Dude, the only way your “squirt gun” is fulfilling a social vacuum of need is if you’re firing blanks. God forbid you should ever reproduce!

1. Self-Retrieving Attack Ball

Combining the elasticity of a yo-yo with the skull-crushing lethality of a flail this fun device puts “merry” in “murder”. The inventor takes departure in the following crazy premise:

“A trained base ball pitcher should be able to repulse any attacker with a weapon short of a fire arm if the base ball pitcher has a score of balls. The problem is the impracticality of carrying a score of balls as a self-defense weapon.”

The only possible problem the inventor sees with using baseballs as self-defence weapons is the inconvenience of carrying them. When you start out on a crazy note like that, where do you go from there?

“‘Get over here!’ No, I mean ‘Get out of here!’. Hmmm, I’ll work on it”

Right…I’m sorry I asked. This device literally functions as a yo-yo, except for instead of the axle it has a solid ball “with a plurality of protrusions such as spikes or barbs” and has the “combined potency of a ball and chain flail and hundreds of base balls“. I would think that a measly ball-and-chain flail is more than sufficient for “self-defence” purposes. Following that up with “hundreds of baseballs” seems completely redundant. Or is the inventor just that fond of baseball analogies for murder?

This invention was originally pitched to Muammar Gaddafi as a torture device, but Muammar replied that it was a bit too “Gaddafi” for his taste. Its inventor quickly re-pitched the ball as a self-defence tool, forgetting to change the title from “attack ball” in the process.

Do you want to know the scariest part? The inventor has actually been granted a patent for this device, instead of being sent off to Alcatraz. So the next time you’re at a baseball game and you spot a guy swinging a yo-yo around…well, you better have some sort of a self-defence gadget on you.