There is an incredible amount of Chuck Norris jokes out there. They range from mildly amusing to laugh-out-loud funny and revolve around the superhuman powers Chuck Norris may or may not possess in real life.
Chuck Norris jokes are/were such a thing that looking up “Chuck Norris” on Google will at first display a few links to these jokes before it leads you to the Wiki page for him. Also, looking up “Chuck Norris” on Google will instantly impregnate you with Chuck Norris’ baby, regardless of your gender.
Everybody and their grandmother have at some point chipped in to the vast pool of Chuck Norris “facts”. Everybody, that is, but me. I’m about a few decades late to this party. Chuck Norris jokes are a thing of the past.
Or, are they?
Yes, they really are, but being out of fashion never stopped me before. And so, without further ado, I bring to you a few Chuck Norris jokes of my own. You don’t have to laugh or even smile, but know that Chuck Norris is watching. Do you really want to take the risk of offending him?
- Fool Chuck Norris once, may you rest in peace.
- Chuck Norris can delete “read-only” files.
- He who laughs last, is always Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris loved Avatar! Since then he reads all of his books in 3D.
- If it ain’t broke, Chuck Norris hasn’t found it yet.
- Chuck Norris never hides in Hide-And-Seek. He just stands behind the seeker until he counts to 10. By then it is too late.
- Chuck Norris once tried mountain biking. He found that mountains make crappy wheels and switched back to using tree trunks.
- Chuck Norris only plays Red Rover against one person at a time. He never loses.
- If Chuck Norris ever presses Ctrl+Alt+Delete, Bill Gates has exactly 15 seconds to release a new version of Windows.
- Chuck Norris cuts twice, then measures once to record the victim’s time of death.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Norris wouldn’t choke woodchuck?
Nest Expressed 
Where have I been? Chuck Norris jokes are new to me, and those were pretty funny. I’d like to read more, but only if you post them. Thanks for the warning. I’ll never Google info on Chuck Norris, because I do not desire to have his baby! I shudder to imagine what a Chuck Norris kid might do to a womb. It would be a little superhuman, freakish black belt (or umbilical cord) claustrophobic baby trying to kick free. Oooo! Ouch! Stop! Get out! Just in case Chuck Norris is watching, It’s nothing personal, I’m not laughing, not hiding, I’ll buy a “Total Gym” soon. I promise. :)) nestexpressed
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@BakedAlaskaInOr Whoa, I refuse to believe you’ve never heard any Chuck Norris jokes before! You’re pulling my leg while yanking my chain, right? If you really haven’t you should definitely explore the wonderful world of Chuck jokes out there…glad you liked mine, but there are better ones out there – all the best ones were already taken before I started working on my list 😉
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@Daniel NestHahahah. I’m not pulling or yanking anything. Was that a nice way of saying you think I’m a naive liar? Truthfully, I really am a Chuck Norris joke virgin. Wait, let me explain. For most of the past 20 plus years, I’ve lived in the Alaska bush, working at highfalutin fishing lodges, where there is little to no cell signal, internet, TV, or Chuck Norris jokes. Before that, I probably just didn’t care. Yeah, I know I live in a world far far away from what people think of as a normal civilization, but giving up things like Chuck Norris jokes hasn’t been a big sacrifice really. I’m thankful that, at least for now, I have discovered you to fill me in on all I’ve missed. I now have a world of knowledge to take back and share with all who could care less about the lower 48, as it’s called in Alaska. I’m going to check out more of those jokes, but I doubt they are funnier than yours. You’re pretty funny. :)) nestexpressed
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@BakedAlaskaInOr Whoa, why such isolated life in the wilderness? 😉 Although you clearly aren’t missing out on much when the world is full of “sexy texts”, creepy dolls and pink slime! Thanks for the kind words and glad you like the jokes, but here are some of my favourites (not my own ):When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not need Twitter…he is already following you
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving doorChuck Norris counted to infinity…twice! My latest conversation: https://nest-expressed.com/replies-to-combat-sexy-texts/
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@Daniel Nest
Now you’ve turned me into a crazy fan of Chuck Norris jokes. I might even try to make up some of my own. They won’t match yours, but I could have fun. As for why we chose the wilderness, well, Alaska beckoned, and we followed the call of the wild. It was a natural evolutionary step for us. I grew up close to the coastal mountains. My husband is an outsoorsman. He is a float plane pilot, a boat captian, a pro angler. We do not like city life, even though we gave it a try. So we left, built a high end fishing lodge, and booked it with rich city people who want to fish Alaska and see brown bear and moose. We live in Oregon during the winter, where we try to catch up on what we’ve missed while in Alaska. I’ve avoided “sexy texts,” creepy dolls, pink slime, and Chuck Norris jokes long enough. I’m here now, and I’m lovin’ it. Bring it on. I’m here to learn the crazy side of living. :)) nestexpressed
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@BakedAlaskaInOr Happy to have opened your eyes out to that! 😉 Whoa, sounds nice – Alaska’s the place for you to be! And stick around for some more crazy stuff from our non-Alaska world! Also, can you see Russia from your backyard? 😀
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@Daniel Nest
Alaska is big and beautiful, and not without a sense of humor. I have Alaska jokes I’ll share another time. No, I cannot see Russia from my backyard, and neither can Sara Palin or Tina Fey. Of course, Sara never said she could. She only said, “…you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska,” which is true if you’re up in the Bering Strait. It was Tina Fey on SNL playing the part of Sara Palin, who said, “and you can see Russia from my house.” Nevertheless, Sara will always get the credit for saying it, which is funny in itself. There is so much true funny stuff that will one day be added to Sara Palin jokes. Wink, wink. :)) nestexpressed
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