The last time I dared to venture into the dark vaults of Google patents library I dug up some clearly insane self-defence gadgets. I managed to recover from the ordeal with most of my sanity intact and only a tiny part of my soul irreversibly scarred.
A few days ago I decided to do some more patent browsing. Only this time I needed a more innocent topic. Something that would make people smile and think of the good things in life.
“What could be more innocent than toys designed for kids?” I thought…foolish mortal, how wrong I was!
What I have discovered is that there are thousands of children’s dolls being patented and that a good chunk of them are embodiments of evil. I will never watch another horror movie again, simply because no movie will ever come as close to scaring me shitless as these patented dolls.
“Children’s laughter makes me sad…and hungry”
Allow me to introduce some dolls that range from creepy to Hell incarnate. Make no mistake: inventors of these dolls are not out to make the world better. No, these people have sworn vengeance against all children. Worst of all, their understanding of human anatomy is based exclusively on nightmares and assembly instructions for medieval torture devices.
10. My Best Friend Doll (Patent: US20110237154)
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a child having a toy for a best friend. Many of us even had imaginary friends and some of us still do (shut up Fred, I’m talking!). However, this particular patent reads like a schematic for a secret ploy to infiltrate children’s ranks and steal their smiles.
The doll is designed to speak messages that were “pre-recorded in a life-like child’s voice”. The inventors didn’t even want an actual child to record these messages. They’re OK with a “life-like” approximation.
Furthermore, the doll “comprises a housing in the form of a human infant body comprising a head having human facial features.” I’m pretty sure that’s a passage from Humans for Dummies book written by Martians. Now, let’s take a look at illustrations of this “human infant” doll:
“We come in peace, human child. Surrender now! We have candy!”
I can’t tell why inventors believe that “human infant” is synonymous with “cross-dressing sex offender”, but at least now it’s clear why they hate children so much!
9. Blowing Doll (Patent: US20020094746)
I’m sure that this doll with a wildly misleading name disappointed many a lonely male in search of companionship. However, it’s not only adults that stand to have their dreams crushed by this invention.
The idea behind this doll is to have it expel “a flow of air from its mouth when stimulated by the passage near its mouth of…hot food or a hot beverage, for the purpose of cooling” it. I have no idea why kids would want a toy whose only function is to blow on their food, but at least this premise sounds innocent enough at first. It is only when you look at the sad monstrosity that you realise how psychologically scarring this toy can get:
“Please…just…just kill me…kill me now!”
Not only is it a really depressed looking rabbit-rooster-hybrid arm amputee, but whenever you offer it food or beverage it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live. Well, at least by giving your kids this toy you absolve yourself of ever having to explain to them the tragic insignificance of life and inevitability of death. They’ll learn quickly enough on their own!
8. Space Baby Doll (Patent: USD637242)
If you have just read “Space Baby Doll” and thought “nothing wrong here, let’s see where this is going”, then wake the hell up! We’re talking about a children’s toy that is inspired by creatures from outer space. Nothing good can ever come out of this idea! Very few movies about aliens portray them as likeable beings. OK, there’s E.T., but even that guy looks like a humanoid lizard with oversized binoculars in place of a head.
But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about this. Maybe they’ve managed to make a nice little alien doll that brings about happiness and doesn’t look like Frankenstein monster’s inbred cousin. Let’s take a look:
“I smile because I can see your soul”
You know, now I really do wish I was wrong…
7. Interactive Doll (Patent: USD636448)
This tiny fellow is actually kind of cute. You can pretend he’s your mini robot buddy. Take him for a walk with you, make him dance, decapitate him and shove his inverted torso into his head upside down. Possibilities are endless! And who cares that he looks like the victim of an eerily precise sniper shot?
I love everyb…OOOW, my brains! Son of a bitch!
Also, unlike many useless toys this doll can actually teach kids valuable lessons. It will prepare your child for properly taking care of, maintaining and worshipping our robot overlords when they finally take over Earth in 2031.
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That post was awesome. I even signed up to ‘livefyre’ so I could tell you that
Dolls ARE creepy!
@cakesandshakes Why thanks, glad you like it! The lengths you went through to sign up for Livefyre have not gone unnoticed. I now don’t have to dispatch my loyal doll minions to your house and hold your family hostage until you comment!
Yeah, that’s some freaky toys. The squash beaked one creeps me a little bit too much, I don’t know why.
Nice post, definitely worthy of a man-card
Rusty
swinginglikearustygate.blogspot.com
Oh I know why – most incarnations of Lucifer will do that to you. Thanks man!
The blowing doll is an awesome idea! I wonder how sensitive it is?
I’d position it somewhere where it keeps blowing on the backs of guests’ necks to creep them out… heh heh…
Hahahaa good plan, because clearly this doll didn’t have the right level of “creepy” to start with!
@NestExpressed wasn’t to be for your team ! Sorry
@carolynboardman Wish I could say we lost to a clearly stronger English team, but a fluke goal and a goal we were robbed off won’t let me.
@NestExpressed Rooney’s was good goal ! Your goal should have been offside anyway lol !
@carolynboardman Brits…you can’t even win with dignity! Hehehee good luck against Italy!
@NestExpressed haha ! I don’t care how we win now, too many times the losers
Oh my God, the Blowing Doll looks so sad… or stoned. Perhaps it was secretly meant for smoking weed.
@YoungmanBrown You know, that would probably have been the least offensive of its functions.
Loved the “Hey, got some spare change?” Jesus and the “contorted stroke victim”…
@Martin Bannon Hehehee thanks, I was trying to find the right imagery to describe these monsters!
No patent is necessary for these abominations. Who would copy them?
Amen, when you’re batshit insane there are few people who’d want to steal your ideas!
@scopedbylarry I’d rather not find out…the truth may be more terrifying than my assumptions! Thanks for RT!
@NestExpressed cleaning out my family home attic a few years ago I found a doll in wood box from 1890s that scared bejesus out of me.
@NestExpressed that thing was so real I screamed like a 5yo girl. Thought sure I had uncovered a heinous family secret instead of a toy!
@scopedbylarry Hahahahaa well do you know for a fact that it wasn’t a dark secret of sorts? No…no you don’t…happy dreaming!
@NestExpressed well I am enough of a scientist to figure out it was porcelain not flesh. But those glass eyes and human hair creeped me out.
@NestExpressed please! Like any good old Southern family we have enough secrets and skeletons in our closets to keep the doors from closing!
@NestExpressed You might be on to something. I really dislike horror movies, and yet in my moment of madness, I created one. Maybe a dose of horror now and then can help build up an immunity against creepy things. Some of your posts might be good medicine. I’ll revisit the “6 self-defense gadgets” post. From that I’ll find courage. No more nightmare outbursts. I promise.
@BakedAlaskaInOr Oh no no, I find your nightmare outbursts quite…nightmarish, so please continue. Saves me a trip to the movies and hours of sleep.
@Daniel Nest
))
Well I’m glad to help. I’m having trouble figuring out how to post. I just left a similiar post somewhere, because the last one dissapeared from view. You might get a total of three posts, maybe four, to prove how much I need lessons and therapy. At least I’m showing an interest, right? I’ll appreiciate no blond jokes while I’m learning.
@BakedAlaskaInOr Jokes? Me?! Who do you take me for…some kind of joke telling joker guy? Hehehee seems you’re getting the hang of it now! Also, yes – therapy is always a healthy option to consider!
@Daniel Nest
YES! You are the joker. Rather than therapy as my first option, I’m attempting to broaden my horizons a bit by learning more than just twitter. However, the whole cyber world is as confusing to me as those “doll” things. I haven’t decided if I’m wasting time or being productive, but the interrnet is proving to be fun even when I click the wrong keys and end up in God forsaken sites. There is a site that shows how to control dreams. Hummm…..be back later.
@BakedAlaskaInOr You’re right, the Internet is a scary place. You should stop visiting all other sites – they’re full of lies! Just stay here on my blog…you’re safe here!
@Daniel Nest
I feel much safer already. There’s nothing on your site to scare the bejesus out of a timid little “blond” thing like myself. Right now I must go to an even scarier place than the internet. It’s called the real world outside. I’ll be back later to read more comforting words on Nest Expressed, just to calm the voices in my head, created by those other bad lying sites.
There are some pretty creepy dolls out there! I have always hated those Chinese porcelain dolls myself. My aunt had some of those and whenever I went to stay at her house those dolls would peer into my soul and frighten me with that blank, evil stare!
@workingdan Indeed. Not sure how many of these patents were actually granted, but judging by the amount of creepy shit created in the world – probably most. Speaking of creepy dolls: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irbFBgI0jhM
@NestExpressed That freaky force of curiosity just compelled me to look at these dolls. I didn’t want to. Once this crazy stuff gets in my head it’s there forever. Now these new deformed visions of pure creepiness, pretending to be dolls will join that monkey with a machine gun, which was pretty funny until it showed up in a dream. But since it’s there as a permanent violent vision in my mind, swaying it’s machine gun back and forth, shooting everything in sight, I can only hope tonight it will shoot every one of those demonic dolls, along with the demented designers to smithereens, to kingdom come, to hell where they came from, or wherever it is they go and never return. Other than that It’s another great Nest post. Maybe I just drink too much coffee.:)
@NestExpressed Wow, happy to inadvertently give you so much fuel for your nightmares. Also – you ever consider working on some horror movies? Sounds like you’ve already got a decent plot for one right there.
@Daniel Nest
Ironically, I really dislike horror movies, and yet in my moment of madness I created one. Maybe a dose of horror now and then can help build up an immunity against creepy things, like dolls. Some of your posts might be good medicine. I’ll revisit the “6 self-defense gadgets” post. From that I’ll find courage. No more nightmare outbursts. I promise.
Some of these are downright frighting. Holy smokes. It makes you wonder what goes through the mind of these people when they are inventing these things. Sheesh!
@softball29 Plenty of lunatics out there…and some of them like designing toys.
I miss the last ounce of my childhood just a little. I had it before I clicked.
What? No spider-baby from Toy Story?
The upskirt shot on number five was unnecessary. Totally.
Great post.
WG
@wilyguy Man, sorry to have stolen your childhood, but I was just the messenger – the world had to know about the darkness lurking in the patent world!
Also, the upskirt shot of the triple-breasted gorilla lady is quite possibly the most disturbing thing the world has seen in a while…in fact, just that sentence alone is the most disturbing sequence of words put together!
Glad you liked the post. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Who knew that lunatics have doll-design as a hobby?!
yeah they are creepy.
“it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live.”–I loved that line. Of course, I loved all of the others too. Those dolls are indeed horrifying. Number five is especially troubling. As for number 3, who makes a doll with a teardrop tattoo? Doesn’t that symbolize a committed murder by a gang member? Nice interactive toy for sure.
@crubin Who knew that such terror lurks in the least expected place?! Also, your knowledge of gang tattoos is a bit troubling, but I won’t dare to say more about it – I value my life! Thanks for dropping by again!
@Daniel Nest
Yes, I hide my gang associations well by disguising myself as a middle-aged, suburban mother.
@crubin The most effective disguise of all!
@OzMumSpeak Hehehe happy you liked it and thanks for RT! Just promise me to keep your kids far away from these dolls, OK?
@NestExpressed lol totally! I now know that shopping for a doll is fraught with danger. Child’s play suddenly seems all too real.
@OzMumSpeak I’m always happy to educate, even though sometimes via such drastic means!
“@NestExpressed: All dolls are created evil! 10 Dolls to Haunt your Children’s Dreams http://t.co/5ShNAhNS #funny #Dolls” LOL! Loved it!
@thepishposh Thanks for RTing the Doll article (http://t.co/SPKvLwNi“)!
Whaaaat the heeeeell. http://t.co/2MkkWjYc