The last time I dared to venture into the dark vaults of Google patents library I dug up some clearly insane self-defence gadgets. I managed to recover from the ordeal with most of my sanity intact and only a tiny part of my soul irreversibly scarred.
A few days ago I decided to do some more patent browsing. Only this time I needed a more innocent topic. Something that would make people smile and think of the good things in life.
“What could be more innocent than toys designed for kids?” I thought…foolish mortal, how wrong I was!
What I have discovered is that there are thousands of children’s dolls being patented and that a good chunk of them are embodiments of evil. I will never watch another horror movie again, simply because no movie will ever come as close to scaring me shitless as these patented dolls.
Allow me to introduce some dolls that range from creepy to Hell incarnate. Make no mistake: inventors of these dolls are not out to make the world better. No, these people have sworn vengeance against all children. Worst of all, their understanding of human anatomy is based exclusively on nightmares and assembly instructions for medieval torture devices.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with a child having a toy for a best friend. Many of us even had imaginary friends and some of us still do (shut up Fred, I’m talking!). However, this particular patent reads like a schematic for a secret ploy to infiltrate children’s ranks and steal their smiles.
The doll is designed to speak messages that were “pre-recorded in a life-like child’s voice”. The inventors didn’t even want an actual child to record these messages. They’re OK with a “life-like” approximation.
Furthermore, the doll “comprises a housing in the form of a human infant body comprising a head having human facial features.” I’m pretty sure that’s a passage from Humans for Dummies book written by Martians. Now, let’s take a look at illustrations of this “human infant” doll:
I can’t tell why inventors believe that “human infant” is synonymous with “cross-dressing sex offender”, but at least now it’s clear why they hate children so much!
I’m sure that this doll with a wildly misleading name disappointed many a lonely male in search of companionship. However, it’s not only adults that stand to have their dreams crushed by this invention.
The idea behind this doll is to have it expel “a flow of air from its mouth when stimulated by the passage near its mouth of…hot food or a hot beverage, for the purpose of cooling” it. I have no idea why kids would want a toy whose only function is to blow on their food, but at least this premise sounds innocent enough at first. It is only when you look at the sad monstrosity that you realise how psychologically scarring this toy can get:
Not only is it a really depressed looking rabbit-rooster-hybrid arm amputee, but whenever you offer it food or beverage it actively sighs because it has lost its will to live. Well, at least by giving your kids this toy you absolve yourself of ever having to explain to them the tragic insignificance of life and inevitability of death. They’ll learn quickly enough on their own!
If you have just read “Space Baby Doll” and thought “nothing wrong here, let’s see where this is going”, then wake the hell up! We’re talking about a children’s toy that is inspired by creatures from outer space. Nothing good can ever come out of this idea! Very few movies about aliens portray them as likeable beings. OK, there’s E.T., but even that guy looks like a humanoid lizard with oversized binoculars in place of a head.
But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about this. Maybe they’ve managed to make a nice little alien doll that brings about happiness and doesn’t look like Frankenstein monster’s inbred cousin. Let’s take a look:
You know, now I really do wish I was wrong…
This tiny fellow is actually kind of cute. You can pretend he’s your mini robot buddy. Take him for a walk with you, make him dance, decapitate him and shove his inverted torso into his head upside down. Possibilities are endless! And who cares that he looks like the victim of an eerily precise sniper shot?
Also, unlike many useless toys this doll can actually teach kids valuable lessons. It will prepare your child for properly taking care of, maintaining and worshipping our robot overlords when they finally take over Earth in 2031.