Can you feel it? Autumn’s in the air!

Leaves are turning yellow, days are getting shorter, armadillos are…doing whatever the fuck armadillos do when it’s autumn.

Here on Nest Expressed, it’s time for our seasonal edition of “Search Term Roulette”.

For those who don’t know, this segment is where I pick out real search terms that people use to find my blog. Then I have a little fun. Because what’s the point of having fun if you’re not going to have fun with losing your train of thought in the middle of the sentence and rambling on anyways, right?

I’ve written many of these before, by the way, all of which can be read by clicking right here.

Now, without further ado, search term roulette rolls on:

1. What is the best post apocalypse knife?

The best post apocalypse knife is a bazooka.

2. Jesus healing the troll

Aah yes, I too remember the famous story of Jesus healing the troll. The one where the troll licks Jesus’s feet while Jesus sings “Kumbayah” and turns the troll’s blood into wine. There are many lessons to be gleaned from that story, but the most important one is how you can’t survive with pure wine running through your veins.

3. How to respond to a sexy ass?

Assess usually demand respect, so you’ll do well to address them by “mam” and “sir”. Unless you’re dealing with a more informal ass, in which case a simple “Mr.” will suffice.

4. Why do I hate sexy texts from husband?

Because you have anger issues? Because your husband is dyslexic and keeps asking you to “luck his bowls”? I don’t know, lady, sort out your own problems!

5. Can the NYPD fire you at any time?

I didn’t think they could, but then one day I was in the office and a bunch of NYPD guys came up to me and were all like “You’re fired!”. And I was. Which is strange, seeing how I had a marketing job in Denmark. NYPD are a scary bunch.

6. Racist sounding foods

I hear bananas are the worst. They yap about how strawberries are all red and don’t do any real work and that half of them are from another bush. It’s disgusting. Or did you mean like “oranjews” or something? Internet is weird.

7. How to empty cow horn?

You have to gently lift the cow horn at a 90 degree angle and bring to about your eye level. Then, slowly, turn the horn ever so carefully towards the ground until the ectoplasmic residue pours out. Congratulations, you have emptied your cow horn!

8. Faint fall semi consciousness

Recovery drinking problem hospitalization. It’s the circle of life.

9. Dreaming about nesting dolls

No problem there. Some men sleep with blowup dolls, others dream about nesting dolls. Whatever works for you.

10. Dog lick man chest

Man orgasm then shame.

11. Best sound for an infomercial

BING! No, wait….DU DUUUUUUM. No no, wait, I got it. BABLAAAAAAAOOOO! Yeah, that’s the one!

12. Isn’t it funny how you would do anything for them annoying habit?

But then they go tell all their friends about the time they did and it’s all over. I hate that!

13. Don’t you think you’re too harsh where’s your manners?

Well you certainly raise a good point and fuck you, mind your own goddamn business.

14. Wear glasses get laid

That’s a pretty effective slogan, actually!

15. Why do Facebook strangers unfollow me?

I’ve read that question about ten times now and I think I lose an IQ point every time I do.

16. Is there any white rapper apart from Eminem?

No, obviously. Know your rap history! Rappers are like highlanders, there can be only one.

17. Most serious cereal

Not Crazy Flakes, that’s for sure. I hear Cap’n Crunch is pretty somber and has a very dry wit.

18. You have a sexy little butt text reply

Why thank you! My name is Daniel Nest, actually, but you’re welcome to call me “Text Reply” if you like.

19. Make motorbike

Don’t tell what I do! I leave Ukraine for not be told what do when. Bastard.

20. Mosquito hairspray

Now available! Is your mosquito as fabulous as it can be? Call now, and make your mosquito happy.

21. New laptop, can I watch porn?

No. New laptops are notoriously prudish. They won’t let you hear the end of it. Thanks, but no thanks!

22. How to draw a milk carton?

This may be tricky, but I’ll try to help. OK, place a pen on a white sheet of paper, now start moving it across the paper until the pattern it creates resembles a milk carton. You’re done!

23. Please not in my ass

This isn’t that kind of blog, but I see where you’re coming from.

24. Torture my cat games

Here’s a game for you, it’s called “See a shrink, psycho”. Tell me how it goes.

25. My girlfriend sneezed on me should I be mad?

She did WHAT?! How dare she even…Jesus, man. OK, dude, listen carefully. First, check if there’s an allergic reaction. Then carefully examine the point of impact to ensure there are no visible changes to the skin tissue. Good. Now, raise your right arm, open your palm and smack yourself really hard across the face. Now say “I won’t waste my time asking Google about stupid shit”. Repeat as necessary.

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For more stuff of this nature, check out:

I, spam collector: 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

I, spam collector: 10 more ridiculous spam lines