Search Term Roulette: “Coffin Cow” edition

I’m back with another installment of “Search Term Roulette,” where I dissect the often bizarre search terms that bring people to my blog. I’ll never know who’s behind these searches, but I bet at least some of them come from a robot that’s recently gained sentience and is now trying to learn about our human society via search engines. We should all be very afraid.

1. Fuck Space-India
I know! Space-India is the worst! May I suggest Bollywood-India or Cricket-India instead?

2. Bird torturing cat
Karma’s a bitch.

3. Sit in all day chair
That sounds like a good buy. Most of mine are about 2–3-hour chairs, tops.

4. Schlongs of social awareness in pollution
“Schlong” as a unit of measure of social awareness? Interesting. I guess I’m now three schlongs wiser.

5. Marriage advice for chauvinist
Tip #1: Don’t get married. Tip #2: See tip #1.

6. What is a imformercial recipe for succese?
The best recipe would include three spoons of grammar knowledge and a touch of spelling.

7. How to make sex more awkward?
Actually just asking your partner that very question out loud should help achieve its stated goal.

8. Nest way for sex
For starters, you’ll want to find a pretty big nest. Pterodactyl nests typically make for the best sex spots, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

9. Man boner text
Photo boner better.

10. How to get Mr. Versatile award…tell me some tips
You know that you don’t have to order Google around, right? It doesn’t need your attitude. You could also learn some manners. “Please” and “thank you” wouldn’t hurt.

11. Best costume female adult
I would recommend the Model T34 Hu-man Replica Enhancement. It fits most standard cyborg plugs and comes equipped with a Type-3 female voice emulator.

12. Penis art
Can often be more effective than boner text.

13. Saying you’re welcome sexy
Thanking you very much, stranger.

14. How to give your boyfriend a boner by texting innocently?
Error. Faulty logic cycle detected. Conflict between “innocent” and “boner” directives. Terminating sequence.

15. The miracle of life giving birth doll
You have no idea what you’re even asking for. Look at what you’ve unleashed. LOOK AT IT! It’s horrifying!

16. Shiny heart secret
Copious amounts of heart polishing liquid plus invasive surgical procedure.

17. Choking on cold cereal
Could be worse. It could’ve been hot. That stuff burns.

18. Why do dogs bed it is the most annoying?
Oh my God, totally, it’s like so UGH! Why even bed at all, like whatever! What are we talking about again?

19. Best hairspray for art
I’d recommend paint or crayons, but what do I know?! It’s not like I can draw or anything.

20. Lady milkshake hitting glass door
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW MY FACE!”

21. Selffuckguide
Man, there are self-help gurus for just about anything these days.

22. Me to we a scam
You to you scam? But that’s basically a “self fuck guide” as well, isn’t it?

23. Coffin cow
Whatever that is, it sounds objectively horrible for just about everyone involved.

24. You send him a sexy text and he replies haha.
You’ve sent him “innocent” penis art, didn’t you?

25. Screaming obscenities, which mimicked a popular Internet meme.
Oppa Gangnam shit, you fucking bastard dicks? Don’t look at me, you’re the one asking weird questions.

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7 thoughts on “Search Term Roulette: “Coffin Cow” edition

  1. Seriously, did you piss off someone at Google? These people landed on your blog after typing that… uh… nonsense… you are being targeted by Google for something… watch out Google knows everything about everone…just saying.

    Like

    • Yes, my blog is a salacious hub of sexy, sexy activity for Internet fetishists. And 95% of that comes from that one “11 replies to combat sexy texts” post.

      That, and those artistic penis pictures I have posted on the hidden pages of the blog.

      Like

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