Like most people with an email address that’s more than one day old, I receive spam. Lots and lots of spam. Unlike most people, I occasionally spend some of my precious moments on this Earth writing back to these spammers. It’s not something I’m proud of, but what are these people going to do?! Not send me the millions of dollars of fictional fortune?

Sometimes, the scammers answer. Below is one such case. I usually advise people to skim the “scammer” side of the conversation, but some of Stephen’s scribbles deserve attention, from the longest opening sentence in the history of emails to his stubborn refusal to recognize “London” as a city worthy of first-letter capitalization. Sadly, he stops replying way sooner than I would have liked. Was it something I said?

From: Stephen

Dear Friend

I am officially sending you this e-mail in order for you to be aware of the good news of your funds, please before I proceed, I will like you to keep away this message from any other person around you, because we have decided to conclude this issue with you alone, JAN 30th 2012 a meeting was held with the General Director of the Interpol and some other top officials in China concerning the online internet scam from london, in the conclusion of the meeting, I was ordered by the Interpol to fly down to london for special investigation concerning the delay of your payment.

After some little investigation, I notice that your funds is still in the Federal Suspense ACCOUNT” of Royal Bank. Meanwhile those people that you have been dealing with are not from the right office, they are only using you to make money for their own benefit.

You need to understand that my coming down to london is because of your transaction, and I have to accomplish the transfer before returning back to China, all the legal documentation for your funds are with me here in london, what i just need from you now is your corporation, you have to seize communication with any other person different from me to avoid been mislead.

Don’t allow anyone to deceive you, your funds is $15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only) it was written inside the recording files of your funds.I have taken your funds documents to the Bank for confirmation and they have been working on the release of your funds, meanwhile, I will need your information like the stated below so that I can know how to update you soon as everything has been settled.

Full Name:
Address:
Tel:

Upon the receipt of this information, I will email you or call you and give you code on how to communicate with me and I will always keep you updated concerning the progress of the transfer of your $15,000,000.00USD, once again you are advised to seize all communication with any other office or person to avoid been mislead, and whenever you receive any message from anyone, kindly forward it to me so that i can make a proper investigation on it.

Yours Faithfully

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Your communique has been received.

My delay in responding is regrettable, but you must know it was necessary. I have now secured a secure location with lots of security. We can communicate freely and without fear.

Stephen, please confirm this is an encrypted channel before I go on.

Daniel

No, wait, “Daniel” is too obvious. Let’s just say “Dr. D”

From: Stephen

Attn: Daniel Nest,

I am not disputing your curiosity and feeling of un-known fear.Obviously there are many bad guys out there without human conscience who can just do anything just to get quick money that never last and cannot solve their problem.

Look I am a devout Christian and my relationship with God matters a lot because God is watching every of our activities good or bad. I feel bad seeing people doing all kind of silly things just to fleece innocent people their hard earn income. Please this is not the same thing as what you may be thinking on the contrary. I have told you to repose your confidence in me and give me your trust and see if I will fail you. I will prove a point to you and you will later testify to people that truly good people still exist even in the midst of gullible ones. Everything is in your hands and I have told you the sober truth and nothing but the truth.

Regards

Mr. Stephen Allen

From: Daniel

Stephen,

Who is this “Daniel Nest” you speak of? There is nobody here by that name. This is Dr. D talking.

Wait. God is watching all of our activities? You told me not to tell anyone, now you’re getting deities involved? I don’t think that’s fair.

I am willing to start over, however. I have acquired the necessary materials and am working on a new identity. I am thinking Jason Bourne but with a touch of Maria from The Sound Of Music. Will that be acceptable?

What is our next step?

Please, guide me, my shining light of hope.

Dr. D

From: Stephen

VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
REF-WBAR/SWISS/AD/VOL.5/2014.
FROM THE DESK OF Mr. Stephen Allen
HEAD OF FOREIGN OPERATION
General Director of the Interpol / VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
PRIVATE EMAIL: stephenallen005@163.com

Attention: Daniel Nest,

The Management and board of trustee World in collaboration with the British Prime Minister in conjunction with United States Government and United Nation held a meeting last week concerning debt payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds. In that meeting so many negative reports were tabled on behalf of our numerous contractors and foreign personnel’s on how unfairly they have been treated and extorted by some corrupt government officials who were vested with the authority to pay them their entitlements. The most annoying and irritating aspect of it all is that they could not effect payment to these foreign beneficiaries after subjecting them to so much stress and trauma. So the WORLD BANK Asia Region has being instructed to carry out the payment to you effectively.

Therefore, to facilitate you receive your fund which is worth is $ 15,000,000.00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars Only), all you need to do is to choose an option as stated below on how you will prefer to get your funds.

OPTION 1: TO RECEIVE AN INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

OPTION 2: TELEGRAPHIC WIRE TRANSFER
(1) Your full name:
2) Address, city, state and country.
3) Cell Phone
4) Company name
5) Banking details
6) Profession
7) Copy of your int’l passport / drivers license

OPTION 3: ATM CREDIT CARD
(1) Full name and delivery address
(2) Address, city, state and country
(3) Direct mobile / phone / fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(6) Profession, age and marital status

Choose your best option and have in mind that you must comply with a due process and international financial transaction policy.

You are welcome.

Mr. Stephen Allen
Head of Foreign Operation
World Bank African Region

From: Daniel

Investigative Committee
XCAKR-FUBAR 207
FROM THE LAPTOP OF Dr. D
AWESOMENESS ENGINEER
Major Director of the 7th Kingdom of Xhula

Attention, Stephen.

The band of brothers of CyberNet in conjunction with the French Baguette Guru, the United Defense Initiative, and Chuck E. Cheese are all very excited about this opportunity.

We have collectively decided to go for OPTION 4: Digital Carrier Pigeons.

Please provide the above at your earliest convenience.

If this raises any questions, please wire transfer your request to our facilitation officers. Otherwise, please contact me.

Is the above sufficient?

Dr. D