Let’s get this out of the way: I’m not a cat killer. In case anyone was wondering.

I don’t have anything against cats. I’m not a cat-ist. Some of my best friends are cats.

In fact, I have two cats at home. I buy stuff for my cats. I’m a pretty good cat…haver…person.

However, I recently realized that the way I talk to my cats could be…misconstrued. You see, I love the little bastards. How could I not? Just look at them:

Idiots!

But my language doesn’t always reflect this love. No sir. Every once in a while, I tend to issue elaborate threats that I have no intention of carrying out.

For example, I regularly tell Django that I’ll chop off his legs and make a snake out of him. True story. I literally say that. I threaten to de-limb my cat.

Occasionally, while Django’s lying down, I even grab his shoulders and push him forward in a zigzagging motion so as to simulate snake movements. My wife usually finds this amusing, so we’re basically both going to Hell.

Other times, I tell the cats I’ll play Tetris with parts of their body. I’m basically Saw‘s Jigsaw, but with cats. I also vaguely recall once informing Pebbles that she’d be hanged by the tail from a lamp post outside.

A few days ago, my wife went to the built-in shed on our balcony and left the door open behind her. Django started to slowly creep toward the open door, knowing full well that he wasn’t allowed to do so.

I yelled something innocent at him, like “I’ll kiiiiill you!” or something along those lines. My wife came back and informed me that my voice carried well and was probably heard by multiple people outside.

That got me wondering what our neighbors must think of me. I’m pretty sure they’ve heard at least some of my raging outbursts and threats of bodily harm. Do they think I’m a lunatic? Or some guy who’s having traumatic flashbacks? What if they think I have kids and am yelling at them? Would that be better or worse than the actual explanation? I just don’t know.

So just for the record, neighbors: I don’t murder cats. Most of the days, we’re a pretty regular family with perfectly alive cats. Here’s proof:

Do what we say, or the kitties get it!

See? The cats look very happy and not at all reluctant or sad in that picture!

Oh God…what happens when we become parents?!