If you’re a new parent, like me, you have undoubtedly asked yourself some of the typical questions every father or mother eventually asks: Is my baby getting enough sleep? Is its poop supposed to be that hideous color? Is my child the literal embodiment of a biblical evil and the harbinger of Armageddon as foretold by an ancient prophecy?
These worries are perfectly natural. Every parent has them.
While there’s much debate about baby sleeping patterns and food habits, finding out if your child is the Antichrist is more straightforward. If you notice three or more of these telltale signs, your child is almost certainly the Antichrist.
Your child may be the Antichrist if…
1. When your baby says “dada” or “mama,” its face morphs into a perfect replica of its father’s or mother’s, respectively
This may seem a bit unsettling at first, but once you’ve diagnosed your child as the Antichrist, you’ll quickly get used to this newfound skill.
2. Its Devil’s vents radiate a greenish-blue glow at exactly 23:11 every night
Devil’s vents are more commonly known as “soft spots” (or “fontanels” by the science heathens). Bright orange glow is usually nothing to worry about and is not a sign of your child being the Antichrist.
3. Your pets start walking on hind legs and speaking in tongues when they’re near the baby
Popular phrases you’ll hear are “Garkhamal fukhus ramkadash” and “Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeewmalama.” Very Antichristy.
4. The baby refuses to breastfeed by causing earthquakes of magnitude five or above on the Richter scale
Tremors are usually felt in a radius of up to one kilometer. Non-Antichrist children will very rarely cause any seismic activity around them.
5. Whenever your baby laughs, a dark portal opens up next to it, from which a horned demon emerges to ask, “Is it time yet, Master?”
This is a classic Antichrist sign. If the emergence of the demon is accompanied by sinister organ music and/or thunderstorms, this sign counts as two.
6. Your baby seems to enjoy most Nickelback songs
This one’s rather intuitive, but it’s still worth mentioning.
7. Your child has a habit of walking into and out of the television screen
This is not only an indication of your child being the Antichrist, it’s also a major annoyance during movie nights.
8. You suddenly discover that your baby has a Facebook page with a pentagram as the cover photo
Extra Antichrist points if the baby “likes” fan pages for Beelzebub, Baconnaise, and Donald Trump.
9. Your baby doesn’t know how to count to 10 but can recite archaic magic spells in fluent Aramaic
If you’re not sure that what you’re hearing is indeed Aramaic, please consult your local shaman for further guidance.
10. The child’s favorite TV shows are Teletubbies, Fear Factor, and Summoning the Forces of Darkness: Season Three
Most people believe watching Fountains of Blood is equally indicative of Antrichristdom, but this is a myth.
11. You can’t recall ever having seen your child blink
While over 70 percent of unblinking babies are not at risk of being the Antichrist, it pays to be vigilant.
12. When you try to give your child a bath, the water instantly evaporates, and the steam forms the shape of a burning cross
Other shapes may also be cause for concern, including shuriken, skull, and a bouquet of wilting tulips.
13. You put your child to sleep and walk back to the kitchen only to find it finishing a meal by the dining table
Incidentally, this is also a common sign that your baby is David Copperfield.
14. When you give your baby a doll, it smiles and coos instead of screaming in terror like any normal child would
The “Creepy Doll Test” is probably the surest way to discover if your child is the Antichrist.
So there you have it: 14 solid hints that your child may be the Antichrist. Note that you can never be fully certain that these signs indicate anything out of the ordinary or troubling. Please don’t rely exclusively on this guide. Always remember to get a proper evaluation by a professional exorcist.
Has this helped you successfully identify your child as the Antichrist? Do you know anybody whose baby could be the Antichrist? Feel free to let me know in the comments.