14 signs that your child is the Antichrist

If you’re a new parent, like me, you have undoubtedly asked yourself some of the typical questions every father or mother eventually asks: Is my baby getting enough sleep? Is its poop supposed to be that hideous color? Is my child the literal embodiment of a biblical evil and the harbinger of Armageddon as foretold by an ancient prophecy?

These worries are perfectly natural. Every parent has them.

While there’s much debate about baby sleeping patterns and food habits, finding out if your child is the Antichrist is more straightforward. If you notice three or more of these telltale signs, your child is almost certainly the Antichrist.

Your child may be the Antichrist if…

1. When your baby says “dada” or “mama,” its face morphs into a perfect replica of its father’s or mother’s, respectively

Antichrist signs: Baby eyes close-up

You: “Got your nose!”
Child: “Got your face.”

This may seem a bit unsettling at first, but once you’ve diagnosed your child as the Antichrist, you’ll quickly get used to this newfound skill.

2. Its Devil’s vents radiate a greenish-blue glow at exactly 23:11 every night

Antichrist signs: Blue glow jellyfish

Pure blue glow is also a potential risk

Devil’s vents are more commonly known as “soft spots” (or “fontanels” by the science heathens). Bright orange glow is usually nothing to worry about and is not a sign of your child being the Antichrist.

3. Your pets start walking on hind legs and speaking in tongues when they’re near the baby

Antichrist signs: Scary cat red eyes

Sometimes, your pet is the Antichrist

Popular phrases you’ll hear are “Garkhamal fukhus ramkadash” and “Pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeewmalama.” Very Antichristy.

4. The baby refuses to breastfeed by causing earthquakes of magnitude five or above on the Richter scale

Antichrist signs: Earthquake damage to building

Kids will be kids

Tremors are usually felt in a radius of up to one kilometer. Non-Antichrist children will very rarely cause any seismic activity around them.

5. Whenever your baby laughs, a dark portal opens up next to it, from which a horned demon emerges to ask, “Is it time yet, Master?”

Antichrist signs: Magic colorful portal

Artist’s rendering

This is a classic Antichrist sign. If the emergence of the demon is accompanied by sinister organ music and/or thunderstorms, this sign counts as two.

6. Your baby seems to enjoy most Nickelback songs

Antichrist signs: Rock sign at concert

Pure Devil music

This one’s rather intuitive, but it’s still worth mentioning.

7. Your child has a habit of walking into and out of the television screen

Antichrist signs: Child in front of television

“Don’t do it, son!”

This is not only an indication of your child being the Antichrist, it’s also a major annoyance during movie nights.

8. You suddenly discover that your baby has a Facebook page with a pentagram as the cover photo

Antichrist signs: Pentagram carved in a tree

This is the one.

Extra Antichrist points if the baby “likes” fan pages for Beelzebub, Baconnaise, and Donald Trump.

9. Your baby doesn’t know how to count to 10 but can recite archaic magic spells in fluent Aramaic

Antichrist signs: Open old book with a skull

“DDaYOaA AeTSBeA AeQuOM…”

If you’re not sure that what you’re hearing is indeed Aramaic, please consult your local shaman for further guidance.

10. The child’s favorite TV shows are Teletubbies, Fear Factor, and Summoning the Forces of Darkness: Season Three

Antichrist signs: All four Teletubbies

“Begone, spawns of Satan!”

Most people believe watching Fountains of Blood is equally indicative of Antrichristdom, but this is a myth.

11. You can’t recall ever having seen your child blink

Antichrist signs: Baby huge blue eyes black and white

Not once

While over 70 percent of unblinking babies are not at risk of being the Antichrist, it pays to be vigilant.

12. When you try to give your child a bath, the water instantly evaporates, and the steam forms the shape of a burning cross

Black and white cross in clouds

And it’s in black and white

Other shapes may also be cause for concern, including shuriken, skull, and a bouquet of wilting tulips.

13. You put your child to sleep and walk back to the kitchen only to find it finishing a meal by the dining table

Antichrist signs: Colorful shirt boy messy eating

“Sup, daaaaaad!”

Incidentally, this is also a common sign that your baby is David Copperfield.

14. When you give your baby a doll, it smiles and coos instead of screaming in terror like any normal child would

The “Creepy Doll Test” is probably the surest way to discover if your child is the Antichrist.

So there you have it: 14 solid hints that your child may be the Antichrist. Note that you can never be fully certain that these signs indicate anything out of the ordinary or troubling. Please don’t rely exclusively on this guide. Always remember to get a proper evaluation by a professional exorcist.

Has this helped you successfully identify your child as the Antichrist? Do you know anybody whose baby could be the Antichrist? Feel free to let me know in the comments.

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13 thoughts on “14 signs that your child is the Antichrist

  1. Hilarious! Being a father suits you! 🙂 At the very least- it suits me… I get to read the funny stuff.
    (This is why you young people have children and not us older folks. You have way more energy.)

    Like

    • Yeah just you wait until all the corny dad jokes come. You won’t be laughing then!

      Also…did Pamo’s World move again? I have tried to chase you down about a week ago and could not find any recent blog stuff…is it just me? Or are you focusing on other projects for now?

      Like

  2. See? This is the stuff they leave out of pediatric textbooks. I know everything there is to know about poop color, but how to spot a pediatric antichrist? I’m clueless.

    Like

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