One of the great things about having a blog, in addition to worldwide fame and mountains of mail from obsessed fans, is the ability to see what search terms people have used to find your posts. Most of these will be pretty straightforward and expected, like “world’s most awesome blog” or “Daniel Nest modern day superhero”.

Occasionally, however, a search phrase stands out from the rest. Sometimes it’s because the search terms are gibberish. Sometimes they indicate that whoever typed them is insane. Sometimes people seem to treat Google as an old friend by asking “him” detailed questions, seeking life advice and spiritual guidance.

In any case, here, in no particular order, are some amusing search terms that people have used to find my blog.

Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the people using these search terms. Any help I may or may not have given them through my posts is purely coincidental, although I do hope the end-results were hilarious in all cases!

1. Why do I keep getting porn email sent to Yahoo that is not addressed to me?

Yup, the only issue here is the mail not being addressed correctly. No problems with getting porn spam, as long as I’m the rightful recipient.

2. Things to buy that give you superpowers

Well, let’s see: LSD, Ketamine, PCP…most hallucinogens will “give you superpowers” for at least a short while.

3. Great tips

Any tips on any topic will do, really. I’m not picky!

4. What spray works best for flamethrower?

I believe typing this search term automatically puts you on a dozen government watch lists and transmits your current location to the FBI.

5. Do people still collect precious moments?

No, sadly modern-day humans no longer possess the ability to retain memories. It’s a sign of…hmmmm….wait, where was I?

6. Felt sexy for guys men wearing contact lenses

I wonder how that works, seeing how contact lenses are made with the intent of being unnoticeable. Or does wearing contact lenses radically transform your personality? Also, who are “guys men”?!

“That guy-man is so hot, I bet he’s wearing contact lenses!” – nobody ever

7. Give me a list of funny phrases to kid

I think you’re already well on your way.

8. Is CAPTCHA insane?

YES! And he’s BeHINd YOu RIghtnoW!

9. The censor board deleted my comments pick up lines

Is that a restraining order in your pocket or are you just deleting my pick up lines? Sorry, I don’t know how this stuff works.

10. Are there any gadgets invented in the world?

Damnit, Dumbledore! Stop wasting time with this Muggle “Google” thing and return to Hogwarts at once!

11. Trees think

Dumbledore! What did I just tell you?! Whomping Willow will not be pleased.

12. I sleeping

New Apple product is rumoured to enhance dreams…

13. Stubborn husband argues

Angry wife complains to Google

14. Reasons why people are fantastic

This one actually put a smile on my face, so I won’t make fun of it. I mean, the person just went straight for top-shelf with their faith in mankind. Not “reasons why people are good rather than evil”, not “good things about people”. Nope – (s)he’s sure that people are fantastic, just needs a few bullet points to sum it up.

15. How to do an expression as if i know a secret you don’t?

That’s a tough one and should not be attempted without adult supervision. May I suggest starting with “Emoting for Dummies” and then working your way up from there?!

16. There head is stuck so far up there ass that

….there totally gonna make fun of my grammar.

17. Rappers that aren’t rapper

Vanilla Ice? Fred Durst? Is this a complex philosophical question or are you trying to shut down the Internet by causing a self-referencing cycle error (whatever that is)?

18. Where can I hire someone for an office prank?

Seriously? You can’t find anyone for an office prank? In an office? Are you surrounded by robots? If so, who are you pulling a prank on? Also – RUUUUUUUUUN!

19. Why lazy?

Because typing difficult!

20. This ugly bird is not a bit

The sense this sentence makes is not at all.

21. Own to make a psycho expression

I just…I don’t even…what?!

22. Funny tombstones for married couples

Nothing wrong with this search term itself, really, but I’d love to hear the story behind it.

“Hey honey, you always complain we don’t do fun stuff together anymore! Well I have a surprise for you!”

“Ooooh, what is it? Are you taking me to the movies? Dinner? Did you book a trip somewhere exotic?”

“Uuuuuhm, not exactly. Why don’t you just pull up a chair and check this out…”

23. Helmets for accident prone adults

How would these helmets be any different from regular ones? Do they have an extra layer of protection against wear-and-tear? Do they come in lightweight design to be worn 24/7?

24. Using glasses for sex

Well, there’s the sexy secretary, sexy teacher, many other outfits that glasses could work with. Why would you need instructions on wearing glasses? Unless…no, you don’t actually mean using glasses for…man, you’ve come to the wrong place!

25. When is the zombie apocalypse happening?

It’s already happened! But don’t worry – I hear zombies are only interested in brains, so you should be safe.

Want more of this stuff? Part II is here.