I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

So remember how I totally predicted that I’d soon have more material for this post? And then it totally came true? Well it totally did! I’m in the league with Nostradamus himself.

If you haven’t read the previous post, I suggest you do it now by following that link above. If you haven’t read the post and refuse to follow the link because you’re incredibly lazy, here’s the summary:

I get one-line spam messages about penis enlargement. These messages are crazy and are written by people picking random words out of a dictionary. I laugh at these messages. Then I write about them. This is the second instalment.

Without further ado, here are a few more one-line gems:

10. Achieve maximum sexual nirvana

I’m sorry, your entry into the Most Roundabout Way to Describe Orgasm contest has been sent to the wrong email.

9. Growing up has never been an issue, all you need is our secret formula

I’m pretty sure that nature has nailed out the “secret formula” for growing up a couple of billion years before you.

8. Scare people with your tool today

Swinging a huge penis at people until they run away in fear – easily the number one activity on any man’s bucket list!

7. The answer to every man’s woes has now arrived

Awesome! So when exactly do I get delivery of my robotic dog pal who can play PS3, feed me and cure cancer? Hey, I have very specific “woes”, OK?

6. Sexy girls will look at you differently

Is “differently” good or bad? Will they now squint while looking my way? What happens to those girls who aren’t “sexy”? This is all vital information that you’re not giving me!

5. Kate Hudson got a shock of her life when she woke up to the longest stud in her neighbourhood

BBC Breaking News: “Waldo arrested for night-time breaking and entering”

Dude, you’re difficult to spot, not invisible, remember?!

4. These organic pills are truly amazing, 2 inches longer for ALL

For ALL?! I’m not sure how I feel about having 2-inch nasal hair, but thanks for the offer.

3. The size of a Man’s member is a sensitive issue – we understand your need for privacy

A spam email about understanding privacy. Thanks guys, I’ll hold on to this in case I ever need to explain the concept of “irony” to someone.

2. Kill off the competition with our organic pills

Damnit, Jim! I told you to only use my secure phone line when scheduling new shipments of pois…ahem…”organic pills”.

1. You will no longer need to buy her flowers

“Honey, we need to talk! OK, so I’ve pawned all the gifts I ever gave you and told your mother to never visit again. I sold your shoes to get a new vacuum cleaner for you to use…but before you get upset – have you seen how big my dick is?!”


Part three is here.

4 thoughts on “I, spam collector: another 10 ridiculous spam lines

  1. One must heed the advice “Scare people with your tool today” carefully. You never know when someone else has an even bigger tool, say an axe, and they’re itching to swing.
    As always, thanks for some good laughs. I read a lot of blogs, but I think you are one of the wittiest bloggers out there. Of course, given the topic of your post today, what does that say about me? 🙂


    •  @crubin That you are a true connoisseur of quality artistic work? 😉 I really appreciate the kind words – knowing that I get to make people laugh is a great feeling. Thanks for commenting and have a great weekend!


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