Search Term Roulette: Summer Edition

Summer is here and so is your quarterly dose of search term fails.

You all know what this is about, but in case you’re new – I pick out some search terms that people use to find my blog. Then I make fun of them. Then…well, there’s no more then. That’s just about it.

Please consult the previous chapters for more of this sort of nonsense (Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4, Part 5).

1.  Is it OK to leave hairspray on?

Usually, yes. However, if your hairspray is low on battery leaving it on will result in permanent power loss. Always make sure to recharge your hairspray overnight!

2. Thanks for your pizza

So you’re the bastard that steals my food.

3. Vietnamese flip flops slip in rainfall

Indeed, that is a well known fact. Vietnamese flip flops are specially designed for maximum slippage. You should see their figure rain-skating team.

4. Cat woman exists

I know! I once found her chasing a faun down a rainbow slope. Then she stole his personal pocket elephant and flew away on a dream-powered glitter rocket. You and I should hang out.

5. Are glasses okay for getting laid?

I guess, but I’d watch out for the poky edges and make sure they don’t shatter during the act. Could get ugly.

6. Wives don’t talk back

True. Wives come equipped with a speech detection module that triggers a mild voice-filtering agent and prevents them from making sounds. Advanced modern versions also have a kitchen locator GPS unit installed.

7. I hate it when jokes

I also funny sucks is.

8. Can I use hair spray as a seal?

I don’t see why not! As a bonus, if you can train hairspray to clap its fins when asking for fish you’ll always be able to entertain your dinner guests.

9. Did wearing glasses get you a job?

No, that’s just stupid! Everyone knows that if you want to land that dream job you have to take your glasses off, slowly.

10. When I watch porn my laptop fan speeds up

I admire your observational skills, yet am disturbed by the frequency of porn seances that allowed you to firmly establish this correlation.

11. Contact Satan through cat’s eyes

Ooooooh. Oh no. Was it supposed to be “eyes”?! My cat will never forgive me for what I’ve been doing to its belly button.

12. Dancing fuck

I am genuinely intrigued by what the person was searching for here? Is there a dancing-sex fetish I’m not aware of? Lambada porn? Getting jiggy with tango? I’m so out of the loop.

13. Can you defend yourself with hairspray?

Depends on who you are. If you’re Jack Bauer you can defend yourself with stray cats’ whiskers and hangnails.

14. Kill me now

Sorry, but I usually require an advance payment and your exact coordinates before I undertake such missions.

15. Where is Chuck Norris hiding right now?

Trick question. Chuck Norris never hides. On a related note – he’s in your bathroom right now. It was nice knowing you.

16. Do girla like guys woth glassea?

Girla prefez guyn who kan spel.

17. Naked father

I don’t even…really? That’s a search term? I don’t see a scenario where results of that search are not deeply traumatising to absolutely everyone involved.

18. Does my dentist hate me?

Yes. He’s goes on and on about you. “He has way too many teeth. They’re so…teethy. Jesus, that man is always in my dentist chair, but I usually just call it ‘chair’. I can’t stand all those gums and that tongue of his”. Dude, what’d you do to piss your dentist off so much?!

19. Why white rappers aren’t?

Because white men can’t ain’t, word.

20. How to reply to a sixest comment?

By writing a seventhiest reply.

21. Are people still collecting?

No, they’re done now. People stopped collecting on June 26th 2012.

22. What are the direct messages on Twitter asking “wanna fuck”?

They’re direct messages on Twitter asking “wanna fuck”. Next question.

23. How does the expression go for funny expression for wearing glasses and looking intelligent?

I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking, but I’m positive that the answer is either “pink forty seven” or “guerrilla champagne”.

24. How to make gladiator weapons with pillows?

What a silly question. Pillows can’t make weapons. They can’t make anything, they don’t even have arms. I once tried getting pillows to paint a picture of a donkey. Man, that was hopeless. You’re better off making gladiator weapons with your pet lizards. Lizards are crafty.

25. How to create sexy texts that will get your man hard in 9 minutes?

Easy. You create two separate texts that get him hard in 18 minutes, then you combine them into one to halve the time. It’s pure math.

26. Unfollow me? Fine! I’ll unfollow you back!

Fine! You’re such a drama queen. Your dentist warned me about you!

27. Dentist hates you

Nope, that’s impossible. He already hates that other guy, remember?

10 thoughts on “Search Term Roulette: Summer Edition

  1. If you’re texts take 9 minutes to obtain the desired effect on your man, send a picture.

    Also, naked father?! What kinda blog are you running here?! Actually, that’s probably why I’m a fan….



  2. ardenrr says:

    It surprises me that a guy with a shaved head writes about hairspray this much ….
    Recently, my favorite search term of mine was ‘dinosaur pant suit’ — I gotta get me one of those!


    • Funnily enough it’s a single guest article someone else posted on the blog back in the day that gets all of these hits. Now is that good or bad? The jury’s still out!

      And hells yeah, you had me at “dinosaur pant suit”…


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