guide

Face Blonde Girl

What Renee Zellweger’s new face means for you. A helpful guide.

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Have you heard the big news? Renee Zellweger has a new face!

Seemingly overnight, Renee Zellweger went from looking like this:

Renee Zellweger's new face: Renee Zellweger Old Picture

D’AAAAAAAAAW!

To looking like this:

Renee Zellweger's new face: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I know! First Ukraine, then ISIS, then Ebola, now this?! What is the world coming to?

Understandably, there’s been a lot of confusion as to what Renee Zellweger’s new face means for the universe, the history of nations, our society as a whole, and, most importantly, each of us personally.

While the media has bravely tackled such important issues as what specific surgery she must have had, exactly how does Renee Zellweger’s new face compare to the old one, and generally what the fuck, nobody has addressed the crucial question: What does it all mean for you, dear reader?

Because I care, I have hereby compiled a helpful guide that you can use to find out what Rene Zellweger’s new face means for you and your loved ones:

1. Are you a Renee Zellweger look-alike who imitates her for a living and has no other source of income?

If yes: You may need to update your act to focus on how Zellweger looked before.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

2. Are you a plastic surgeon specializing in facial aesthetics?

If yes: You may be able to draw some valuable lessons by observing Zellweger’s transition.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

3. Do you like Renee Zellweger?

If yes: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

4. Are you considering plastic surgery?

If yes: Your decision may be somewhat affected one way or another by Zellweger’s new look.

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

5. Are you Renee Zellweger’s face?

If yes: Congratulations on your new look!

If no: Renee Zellweger is a grown woman. What she does with her body is her decision and has no impact on your life.

There, I hope that helped!

Bride And Groom

7 steps to a perfect wedding

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As you may know, I got married five months ago.

You could say this kind of makes me an expert on all things wedding-related. You could say that, but you’d be wrong. So, you know, don’t say that.

A wedding isn’t something you just slap together in an evening. It’s an event that requires a bride, a groom, and some other things, too.

Don’t worry, I’m here to guide you through the most important ingredients of a perfect wedding. Just like my other guides, where I taught you to walk into glass doors and to fall on treadmills, this one is really just a poorly-disguised fail compilation. I am uniquely lazy and I can’t be bothered to do much about it (refer to: “lazy”).

Step 1: The Entrance

They say first impressions are like a box of chocolates: easy come, easy go. I get my sayings confused. The point is: First impressions matter. That’s why you want to make damn sure you make a memorable entrance. Case in point:

Can you see what he did wrong? Yup, he wore a bow tie. How tacky! Also, he fell while attempting to give his date a piggyback ride, in case you missed that part.

Step 2: The Ceremony

No wedding is complete without someone getting married. Some even say it’s the most important part of a wedding. I’m not here to take sides in this controversial debate. I’m only here to stress that if you’re going to get married, you want to do so while standing by the edge of a stage overlooking a body of water, and to have a clumsy best man who hasn’t mastered the concept of walking.

The opposite. I meant you want to do the opposite of literally every word I said above. I’m not very good at this.

Step 3: The Photo Shoot

After the wife is fished out of the pool and the newlyweds are newly wed, it is time for the couple to retreat for a private photo shoot. Remember: This is your chance to get creative—you’ll be boring people with your wedding pictures for years, or even generations, to come. Go crazy. Take some photos of you jumping into the air. Strike a pose. Hell, why not have a remotely operated drone film you while you’re at it?

On the other hand, why have a remotely operated drone film anything?! Whose idea was it, anyways? Was it Billy? Billy always ruins everything.

Step 4: The Dance-Off

When the happy couple returns from their photo shoot, with lots of new memories and a mild concussion, it’s time for everyone to let loose on the dance floor. Better still—let one guy let loose on behalf of everybody, while the rest of you stand around awkwardly and pretend there isn’t a man possessed by demons having an epileptic seizure right next to you.

A+ for effort, sir.

Step 5: The Wedding Cake

This is it. The cake. The Holy Grail of our existence and humanity’s proudest achievement. Wedding cakes are to weddings what cheesecakes are to cheese. (That’s probably wrong.) Bring in the cake, dudes.

Pro tip: One’s face is rarely the best way to prevent a cake—or much else—from collapsing.

Step 6: The Bouquet Toss

You all know how this goes: The bride tosses a bouquet into a group of women, who proceed to wrestle each other for the chance to grab the bouquet. The winner gets to take the flowers home and put them in a nice vase and look at them for days and days. Women sure love flowers. And face-plants. They love a good face-plant, those women.

No flowers were hurt in the filming of that video.

Step 7: The Drinking Of Drinks

A wedding takes its toll on a couple. Sometimes, alcohol is needed to remedy the situation. There’s not a problem in the world that a good gulp of Rum-n-Vodka Gins can’t fix. However, drinking’s not always easy. You need good hand-eye coordination, especially if more than a single hand is involved—then you need at least two hand-eye coordinations.

If I have done my job, you learned absolutely nothing here today. I told you I wasn’t an expert.

Green Blue Help Books

The How-To Guide to “Fuck It”

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A lot of people ask me: “Daniel, how do you always stay so cheerful and positive? What’s your secret?”

Fine, some people ask me that.

Two. Two people may have asked me that question at some point.

The answer is simple. No matter what happens, no matter what people say, my response to stressful and difficult situations is always “fuck it.”

That’s a lie. The response is not always “fuck it.” Sometimes it’s just “fuck,” sometimes it’s “fuck you” and sometimes it’s even “fuck everybody and everything.”

The key is that I try to convert all those fucks to fuck-its. It’s not always easy. But remember: all it takes to go from “fuck” to “fuck it” is literally a single word: That word is “persistence”.

It’s important to stress that Fuck It is not a quick-fix. It’s not a simple technique I can distil into seven easy steps. Fuck It is a philosophy. A mindset. Fuck It is a way of life.

This guide will illustrate the concept of Fuck It through examples you can relate to.

Alien Four Arms Space Suit

Four-armed space aliens got you down? Fuck it!

What does this guide cost you? Nothing. Not a dime.

It costs nothing, but it’s worth…also nothing. But it’s free, so fuck it!

 

Example 1

Meet Bill. Bill is thirty-seven. He is an accountant. Nobody cares about Bill. You certainly don’t care about Bill. Me? I don’t give a shit about Bill.

Bill was a bad example. Fuck Bill.

Example 2

You’re on your way from work. You’ve had a rough day. Your boss wants you to actually work for the money you earn. Your colleagues are all like “Hi, how are you?” and “Want to go for lunch?” and other irritating nonsense. All you want to do is go home and relax.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. Your bus is ten (10!) minutes delayed. That means you’ll miss the opening moments of the new reality show: Random People Doing Mundane Stuff (HD).

What do you do? Stab somebody? Call the Justice League? Cry helplessly?

Yes!

I mean, no!

You take a deep breath, calm your nerves, and say “fuck it.” Just…fuck it.

Example 3

You’re strolling through a forest. At 3AM. Idiot.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. A grizzly bear is charging at you. What the fuck is a grizzly bear doing in Florida?! No time to think about that now. You gotta act. Quick!

Fuck it!

Fuck the bear. I mean, have sex with the bear. Who knows, maybe the bear is just lonely? Bears need companionship too. What, you have a better idea? No! So shut up!

Polar Bear

“But I am not a grizzly bear. I’m a pol-“
“Shut up, bear!” 

Example 4

You finally get home. You’ve had a rough day. Your bus was late. The grizzly bear was a lousy lover. You have no patience for more shit.

Suddenly, trouble strikes. Your flatmate is saying something to you. As you get closer you can hear random words, like “sorry” and “I ate” and “your cake”. Turns out he ate your cake and now he’s sorry about it.

What do you do?

No! You don’t just say “fuck it”!

Are you crazy? He ate your cake. That cake was yours. Not his. Yours.

What next? Will you let him and a bunch of his friends dance flamenco on top of your bare chest? Will you let him borrow your silverware? Will you let him mock your sexual prowess based on that Youtube video of you and the grizzly bear?

Don’t be a wuss, stand up for yourself!

Example 5

Fuck it!

 

Well that’s it for me, folks. Hope the above examples make Fuck It clear to you.

They probably don’t, but guess what? Fuck it!

7 ways to fail on a treadmill

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Mankind wasn’t born to fly. We were born to do many other things, such as walk, eat, watch poor quality reality TV and make other bad life choices.

We were also born to run. Running originally helped us escape dangerous predators and was the fastest means of locomotion available. At some point we decided that running in place without actually propelling ourselves forward sounded like a much better idea (refer to “bad life choices” above).

So we invented the treadmill. Soon we mastered the art of running on the treadmill and a split second afterwards the art of falling flat on our faces while using the treadmill.

This post is the second in a series of visual guides designed to help you fail in a manner of your choosing. Just like with “7 ways to walk into glass“, my aim with this guide is not to help you avoid failing hilariously while other gym goers point and laugh. I am merely here to give guidance on how you can make the fail your own.

If you’re going to fall down and injure yourself, at the very least you can do so in a way that underlines your character and plays to your strengths. Pick your favourites from the below and learn how to execute these tricky treadmill fails. Enjoy:

7. The Copycat

When someone does something impressive, something that you have no chance of ever doing better than them, what is left for you to do? Well, if you’re the altruistic kind, you can make their achievement seem that much more awesome by failing spectacularly at the same exact thing. Make sure you follow directly in their footsteps, so that your epic fail is immediately comparable to their stellar performance. They will love you for it.


6. The Circus Act

If you’re planning on entertaining your friends by smashing your face into a running treadmill, you can’t afford not to use a prop. Be creative. Stilts are perfect. In the absence of stilts a bike will do nicely. However, you must make sure the bike doesn’t present an obstacle for your face-plant. You don’t want props interfering with the act, you want them to enhance it.


5. The Dancer

Whoever said “music helps your treadmill workout” clearly didn’t take that point far enough. Everything is better with music. So it’s only natural that the musically gifted among you will want to incorporate a dance into your fail routine. With this one you can really put your ass into it. Literally. Make the treadmill a part of the experience. Take the concept of “breakdance” to a new level!


4. The Fitness Guru

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Occasionally, however, two rights make one horrible wrong. It’s just like the age old-wisdom claims:

“One piece of exercise equipment is good. Two pieces of exercise equipment are better. Two pieces of exercise equipment used simultaneously may result in severe head trauma”


3. The Gitness Furu

Who said there’s only one way to combine a treadmill and an exercise ball? Shame on them! Here’s how you use these same two props creatively.


2. The Impatient

Not all of us have the time to plan the perfect fail. Some of us have busy schedules and can’t go around acquiring props or learning complex dance routines to make our fails great. And that’s perfectly OK. If you’re a man or woman of action – just go straight for the fail. By the time others are only just making their way to the treadmill your face will already be intimately acquainted with it!


1. The Vengeful Hulk

It’s completely understandable that, after years of witnessing treadmills embarrass humans, there’ll be one man who will stands up to this injustice. If that man is you – pay attention. This is how you systematically and utterly disassemble a treadmill, conclusively proving that you’re not to be messed with.


Bonus Clip

All of the above fails have a common thread: they all involve humans and each and every one of them gives up right after the fail. Strangely, all it takes for us weaklings to say “I quit!” is having our faces smashed into the floor at high velocities. And here we have a dog who, after failing hilariously, not only dusts himself off and goes right back to the treadmill, but does so while barking triumphantly. If this doesn’t convince you that the dogs are our superiors, then their inevitable takeover of the planet in 2018 surely will! Woof woof!