Twitter Bird Puking

Twitter Trolling Time

Get ready for more trolling.

There are two reasons for this post:

  1. I find Twitter trolling fun.
  2. The amount of Twitter trolling I’ve done lately is enough for a mini post.
  3. Everyone is allowed to be a narcissist once in a while.
  4. I can’t count.

So, as you may have gathered from my repeat references to Twitter  trolling, I’ve been doing some trolling lately. On Twitter.

I have a bit of a history with email trolling of scammers and eBay trolling of shady salesemen. It was only a matter of time before I moved on to Twitter.

I don’t just troll people willy-nilly, though. Not yet, anyways.

Instead I find those I deem worthy of a trolling treatment. Who are they? So far there were two types:

  1. The annoying spammers of wise or inspirational quotes.
  2. Companies, because down with the man and all that stuff.
  3. I made you think I was going to do the math joke here again, but then I didn’t.

Since I have recently unfollowed a lot of specifically these types of accounts, I didn’t have any to pick from in my Twitter stream. Instead, I had to actually go out and search for them. I have no life.

I’m not censoring any names, since all of these conversations are publicly available on Twitter. Here goes:

Nokia are amazed by their own product. Shocking.

Doing things yourself or doing yourself? Don’t answer that!

Potential cross-platform issues.

Rhyming for success.

It’s a legitimate question.

Dictionary to the rescue!

When you assume you make an ass of your marketing.

Insanity breeds inspiration.

Creating stuff with your mind, X-Men style. They did that, right?

Flawless logic.

I know who I am!

That’s all for now, but the annoying Twitter troll in me lives on. Who knows what the future brings?

***

There Is MoreFor other Twitter-related stuff, check out:

9 types of people I unfollow on Twitter

The 5 types of junk in my Twitter Direct Messages inbox

House of Coates: a cautionary tale

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eBay Troll: “Magic Slim Pills”

It’s my birthday today! *pause for the standing ovation and rain of confetti, candy and larger presents (who threw those?!) to die down*

So I’ll share a mini-conversation with an eBay peddler of “magic” pills as my birthday gift to you. I don’t know how birthdays work.

Enjoy the bite-sized nonsense while I go attend to my Facebook wall (those birthday wishes aren’t gonna “like” themselves).

This magic is sold here

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Hi Mr. Ming Gjing Dang,

I hope you can answer a few questions:

1) Can I expect to resemble the woman pictured on the box with the pills, after taking them?
2) If yes, how soon will this happen?

I thank you for your most honest and timely response,
Thank you!

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel  

hehe, the picture just a ad. you can not trust it completely. if you want a slim build I suggest you
go to gym and sport frequently.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

Oh, I see. Ha, sorry for the confusion!

Do you happen to know if “Gym And Sport” is also available here on eBay? I assume it’s OK to take both product simultaneously without side effects?

Finally, if I do gym and sport, will I be able to look like the girl on the picture, you think?

From: Mingjingdang
To: Daniel 

Of course you can do it.

From: Daniel
To:  Mingjingdang

That is outstanding! Now I understand the “magic” part of the description.

In your experience, at what stage does the gender transformation begin? Will I first develop breasts or lose my penis. I’m asking because if the breasts come first I’ll have a very “awkward-looking” stage for a while.

Thanks again!

eMail Troll: “Dick’s Millions”

On the same day that I published my correspondence with an eBay “healer” I have received a standard scam letter from a “banker” in Dubai. He offered me millions of dollars for pretending to be some dead dude’s next of kin. You know, the kind of stuff that happens to all of us on a daily basis.

I responded with my typical brand of nonsense and, surprisingly enough, the guy has exchanged a few emails with me. He did cut communication a bit too early for my liking, but for what it’s worth, below you find the exchange in its original form. I have taken the liberty of cutting off some of Mr. Zaheya’s emails, because they were a bit too official and long winded.

You are also welcome to just skip/skim through most of his emails because they’re standard scam gibberish. I’ve used green in the sections of Zaheya’s emails that help you understand my responses, the rest can be safely skipped. Enjoy:

(side note: what is it with scammers and the use of the term “modality”? I haven’t heard that term used for over a year, except for my last two exchanges with scammers.)

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar.
Manager Emirates NBD {national bank of Dubai} Khalediya
Branch. Moon tower, Zayed 1st street, Khalediya.
United Arab Emirate (U.A.E.)

I am pleased to get across to you for a very confidential and profitable business proposal. I got your contact while searching for a reliable person who would assist me to execute this life time business opportunity in my department. I deemed it fit to contact you to seek your assistance in this profitable project which requires trust and confidentiality.

An American/ Iraqi Foreign Oil Consultant /Contractor with the Chevron Petroleum Corporation Company , made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, Valued at US$10,000,000.00 (Ten Million Dollars) in my branch upon maturity. I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply.

After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chevron Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Richard Burson died with his wife Mrs. Lenor Burson in a plane crash on October 31, 1999, (an Egyptian Boeing 767 Flight 990) with other passengers on board. Find the website before for your perusal. [website links deleted]

The most astonishing of my discovery was that, all records bear no next of kin, meaning no member of Late Mr. Richard Burson family knows about the deposit, therefore no member of his family will ever come forward to claim the fund. to avoid the bank to transfer the stipulate fund in a dormant as unclaimed funds to the emirates treasury account, the above stated funds must be claimed immediately by somebody who would stand as the Next of Kin of the late Mr. Richard Burson as the beneficiary, because according to the financial laws of United Arab Emirates, at the expiration of {13 years} this money will be reverted to the ownership of the Government treasury account if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Furthermore, this revelation is only known to me because I was his personal account officer in our bank before I was transferred to this present office. Hence I seek your collaboration to act as next of kin/beneficiary to late Mr. Richard Burson to claim the funds and move them into useful investments, we shall split the cash between our selves upon the confirmation of the money into your deem fit bank account. I am ready to offer you 40% of the total fund and 60% for me.

Please note that by the virtue of my position in the bank, Ive worked out the perfect modality on how to claim the fund and I shall provide the relevant information and documents for the successful claim and transfer of the funds in the account that would be provided by you, I can not stand at the forefront of this transaction because I work with the bank, that is why I have come to you for assistance, be rest assured that this project involves 100% risk free. Upon the receipt of your acceptance mail, I shall then provide you with more details that will help you understand this transaction. I will like you to provide immediately your private phone number and fax numbers for easy communication.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my confidential email address:
[email address]

Regards,
Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
Emirates NBD
National bank of Dubai Khalediya branch.

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: From Mr. Zaheya E. Attar

Most dearest Mr. E Attar, Zaheya,

I am deeply sorry to hear about Mr. Richard Burson, and not only because Dick Burson is such an unfortunate name to have. His untimely demise was so badly timed! His death took me completely by surprise, especially seeing how I only had the chance to know him for the duration of a few sentences, before he was so cruelly taken from me.

Do you know any more details about his death? Did he die of the crash itself, or was he possessed by the spirits of Native Indians who carried his soul to safety prior to the impact, as is very often the case in these situations?

I generally find your below proposal acceptable, although I am most puzzled by the suggested split of 60/40. I think we can both agree that I would be taking a very high risk by attaching my name to the transaction as Dick’s next of kin. Therefore, I will settle for nothing less than 42% of the total fund.

Now, on to the practical steps. Shall I book my flight to Dubai on my own credit card, or will you sponsor this trip to enable a face-to-face discussion on further actions?

The modality of this should be very perfect, as you have astutely alluded to in your email. I will settle for nothing less than perfection in such a sensitive matter and will expect nothing less from you.

Looking forward to your response,
Daniel Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear Friend Daniel,

Thank you so much for the interest shown towards this transaction.

I feel the need to explain to you details first and procedure relating to these transaction by email , trust and confidential till the funds will disbursed to any trusted account provided by you and guarantee of my own share is my most concern, I dedicated myself to reply you these email because of the need for absolute secrecy in this transaction. And naturally since I cannot delegate anybody to reply such type of email, I had to do it personally because of its peculiarity I believe we can work together to achieve great success for onward remittance of the said funds, I want to begin by assuring you that we can consummate this transaction within 15 working days from the date of commencement. As the procedures relating to the transaction mentioned is not a complex one. And good enough it’s going to be a bank-to-bank transfer, therefore inherent risks are negated and its 100% risk free.

I will write a letter which would accompanied by your details in the form as i will state in my next email when I hear from you with your full details as i required, this you will forward to my bank’s Legal Adviser/Attorney. It will serve to introduce you to the bank, and of course trigger the processing of your transfer request. The bank will then carry out some verification procedures; example, they will demand for the deposit and death certificate of the deceased from you which is the procedure of long time deposit of investors according to Dubai financial rules and regulations, i already have the scan documents in my safe possession which will make every procedure smooth for us,

Every document that the attorney shall demand from you for verification of your claim, I shall provide. Therefore, after making the request through the Bank Attorney by completing and forwarding the form, he would naturally be expected to contact you via you email or phone.

Please ensure you utilize an email that only you have access to, and I will also need to stress the fact that the foregoing must be kept strictly between the two of us. Your email to the Attorney should also serve to request from the department the procedure (s) involved in claiming the funds entitled to you vis-à-vis the documents I shall make available to you to forward to him when they demands for such. I need to again stress the need for the two of us to work together to achieve success as true friends for the sake of successful end in these transaction,

I want you to assure me that you will only take the percentage that I have already put forward to you, and nothing more. Humans tend to always have a change of heart in issues relating to money. And since it is going to be your account the funds will be transferred to, I need to be able to trust you, and have a complete feel of confidence that my share will also accrue to me when we conclude this transaction. The nature of this transaction is the type that I cannot do alone without the help of an outsider. I am putting at stake my years of experience within the industry. This transaction is 100% risk free provided you follow my instruction.

And I want you to keep this transaction confidential regards to my status as a banker I don’t want anything that will spoil or tarnish my image as well as yours because I have a name here to protect. Please if you have any questions feel free to ask because through question and answer that is when you will understand the transaction very well.

Based on the above intention, I hereby propose the following conditions.

1.) You will provide a safe Bank account either in your country or any country of your choice where the money will be transferred into.

2.) You will give me a Guarantee to assure that my share will be transferred into an account (which I will later open in your country) after funds have been confirmed in your account.

3.) You must maintain absolute confidentiality during and after the transaction. If you accept the above conditions, reply immediately to enable us proceed and for further details.

I look forward hearing from you.

Best regards,

Mr. Zaheya E, Attar

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  RE: Update/Guidelines…58/42% IS ACCEPTABLE  BY ME.

Dear new BFF Zaheya,

I thank you for your most fastest response. Your commitment to the modality of this operational directive is obvious and reinforces my trust in you as a business partner.

I want to assure you that I will do my utmost to keep this matter confidential. As we both know, using our regular Yahoo! emails provides the best degree of confidentiality, since Yahoo! is run by a secret cartel of spies and all correspondence is appropriately encrypted on our behalf. I suggest we continue using Yahoo! as our primary communication channel until I arrive to Dubai. Agreed?

A practical update. To honour my commitment to you I have already done the following:

  1. Legally updated my middle name to “Burson”
  2. Performed a minor plastic surgery to make myself better resemble what I believe Dick looked like. Since you haven’t provided me with a photograph I had to go with my instincts. My eyebrows were made slightly bushier and my chin has acquired a distinct pear shape. I look like Borat. If you send me Dick Burson’s picture I’m sure I can disguise my identity even more successfully.
  3. Booked a ticket to Dubai. I am currently residing in Vilnus, Lithuania, so I will be flying with Austrian Airlines via Viena. I arrive to Dubai on flight OS839, Sunday the 25th of November at 21:50.

Will you provide accommodation in Dubai, or shall I reserve a discreet room in a hostel somewhere? If I do so, I strongly suggest not using my real name. I will go with something like “Queen Latifa”, to cover up both my true identity and gender. Please tell me if you find this acceptable.

I find every one of your three conditions 100% acceptable and would settle for nothing less.

Looking forward to meeting you and shaking your hand vigorously, like a true Burson would!

Your trusted accomplice,
Daniel Burson Nest

From: Mr. Zaheya E. Attar
To: Daniel Nest
Subject:  Prior to your arrival, you have to open a communication with Emirates NBD legal Department.

ASSALAM ALAIKUM WA RAHMUTULLAH WA BARAKATHU.

Dear Friend,

Indeed again thank you very much for your cooperation and understanding towards this transaction. all we need is a bank account that would be able to accommodate such magnitude, provided you are the sole signatory to the account. and the funds will be remitted directly to your provided bank account. Regards to your intended trip to the United Arab Emirates I would like to make it clear to your understanding, that I have not invited you here, and you have not even perform the required process for this inheritance claim, at the moment if you intend to come down here, good and fine, but you should have it in your mind that its your responsibilities to arrange for proper place of accommodation prior to your arrival, you would be warmly welcome at anytime here in UAE.

Note:You are expected to make contact with the Legal Consultant National Bank of Dubai (Emirates NBD) the official email (which i have provided below ) by writing a letter requesting them to commence processing your inheritance fund transaction for the purpose of onward transfer to your nominated account which you shall provide for them. I have taken out time to draft this letter which you would copy and send to them. The details you need to complete I have left out in blank. Please make sure you fill them out before sending the letter.

They may likely request of some documents which can only be accessed by the next of kin of the deceased owner of the funds you and I are trying to move out of the bank. Those documents I shall provide to you also in order to forward to them whenever they requests for such doccuments. The Legal consultant is expected to come to our bank and seek for clarification and clearance over the letter you send to the legal department . This is where I shall also participate actively. Been the Manager of the branch where the funds of the deceased customer is been kept, I shall authorize the clearance letter to them by confirming that you are truly the next of kin of the deceased customer and therefore the bank authorizes that the funds be transferred unto you.

Below are the contact details of the Legal Consultant of our bank and a draft of the letter you need to send over to (Emirates NBD) legal department after completing your details properly. Note: theres every need for you to visit your email more often this time, because you have to be more puntual as we addvance to te next stage of this venture.

Regards

Mr.Zaheya E,Attar

[deleted a long drafted letter with an “application form” requesting my bank account, name, SWIFT code, address, etc.]

From: Daniel Nest
To: Zaheya E. Attar
Subject:  50% / 50% and a gesture of trust!

AGLUK BATAR, JABBA ROGAROK! MAY YOUR FACE EXPLODE WITH A THOUSAND SUNS OF HAPPINESS!

Dear Zaheya,

I am saddened by the tone you have chosen to take in your last email.

I think we can both agree that mutilating my face, changing my middle name and the purchase of a rather expensive ticket to Dubai show a pretty high level of commitment to the success of our operation and the continued perpetuation of its progressively modal state.

Instead of praising my dedication you have shown dissatisfaction and ingratitude by revoking your prior invitation to Dubai. Moreover, you have refused to provide any details about Dick Burson, my now-third-cousin. I am beginning to have second thoughts and fifth feelings about your proposal.

However, I am still more than willing to proceed with our agreement, on the following conditions:

1) The split is now 50% / 50%
2) You send me a photo of Richard Burson, so I can prepare a more convincing performance.
3) You write “Sorry, Daniel, I was wrong to be mad at you” in your next email.

Please understand that I am not trying to back out of the arrangement, but to merely cement our future partnership by mutual disclosure of stated modulations.

I fully expect to honour your requests, which is why I will bring the filled out application form to our personal meeting at the end of November.

Your trusted confidant,
Daniel Burson Nest

PS: I am planning on booking a room at Burj Al Arab. Please tell me if that is within your budget or whether you prefer that I reserve a cheaper place.